Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU distancing myself from a life long friend?

108 replies

xShoppingQueenx · 30/08/2017 07:12

Bit of a long story but I have known my 'best friend' since primary school, we are both early 30s now and we share our friendship group with 4 other girls from primary school, so all our socialising involves seeing each other. I haven't always been in touch with the 4 other girls but always with my friend. We became less close about 4 yrs ago. We live 5mins away but never see each other individually anymore.

She's never been overly supportive. I don't feel like she's ever truly happy for me and would never tell her any good news first. After struggling for years to buy my first home (she already owned hers), the first thing she said was 'how much was it?' She's the type of person who is only happy if you're not doing well or struggling.

Anyway, fast forward and I'm about to give birth to my second child. She got pregnant with her 2nd a month after me but sadly miscarried at 8wks. Our other close friend was pregnant with her 3rd child and I was with my 2nd. It was obviously a very difficult time for her and I understand that completely. However, for the past 9months she has completely ignored my pregnancy. if we go out as a group I will come waddling in and she will just ignore me, she has never asked me how I am or do I know what I'm having, how many weeks etc? Absoluetly nothing in the whole duration. It's been like the elephant in the room. But she will be slyly looking at my bump out of the corner of her eyes. It has been quite unnerving. Each time our group has gone out socialising no one has been able to share my joy and talk about baby because it's obvious by her face that you just can't. She then started dropping out of things if I would be there, didm't come to my baby shower would be very blunt if I texted her, wouldn't like any rare FB posts I put on social media etc. However, she was completely different with our other pregnant friend, asking to see scan pictures, commenting how gorgeous all her bump pics were on fb and always keeping in touch. I felt hurt tbh, this was a friend who I was always happy for and we have known each other for decades.

Fast forward to yesterday. She texted me out of the blue and said 'Sorry I've not mentioned your pregnancy. When are you due? Hope you're well. I just didn't want to talk about your wonderful news or hear all the good things happening to you… but I've got some good news. I'm pregnant now.' She sent the scan and I obviously congratulated her and said how happy I was and I genuinely am. The thing is now she's non stop talking about her pregnancy in the group whatsapp with everyone- something I didn't feel I was allowed to do. The girls used to have to message me in private and she wants us all to meet up for dinner to share her joy. It's just hard hearing everyone talk about it in the group chat as I missed out on that.

On paper I know this sounds like I'm being selfish but I have been so hurt for the past 9months that I just can't 'switch on' and be normal. I've seen her true colours and she's not the type of person that I feel I want in my life. The fact that she was so lovely to our other pregnant friend makes it feel personal. I can't cut her off because she's in the same friendship group but is it wrong to not want to be as close as we were at school?

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 30/08/2017 07:55

your a whole group and all in contact, if you cause a problem then it effects the whole group.
Better to just tell her you were hurt, but now understand that with her being pregnant she feels she is in a better place, so you can all share your baby news. To be honest holding on to hurt take so much effort, and you have far nicer things in your near future to occupy your mind with.
In the words of FROZEN, let it go,

Original poster
xShoppingQueenx · 30/08/2017 07:57

Mummy2017- that's a great response.
Puts it all into perspective :)

OP posts:
wobblywonderwoman · 30/08/2017 07:57

No, I don't agree that you should go straight over it was a huge loss for her but why should op be 'delighted' for her after ignoring her good news.

I would certainly cut her out of my life

schoolgaterebel · 30/08/2017 07:58

I don't think you have fully appreciated how devastating a miscarriage can be. I think you are being a bit insensitive here.

You actions now could affect the whole group and leave you looking like the one in the wrong, I would tread carefully if I were you.

SunnyCoco · 30/08/2017 08:00

I agree with the PP that you are being insensitive to the devastation of miscarriage, as she was pregnant at the same time as you
Speaking from experi Bec it's unbearably difficult
Hope you can both draw a line

winefixeswhine · 30/08/2017 08:02

This is not a friend. She singled you out. Her message is outrageous. Ditch!

waitingforlifetostart · 30/08/2017 08:03

I would text her something like:

Like I said earlier, I'm thrilled about your happy news. I am however really hurt about how you have treated me and while I understand it was an awful time for you I just don't understand why you were absolutely fine with x's pregnancy and not me. It really hurt me and it's really put dampner on a time that should be really happy. I know you've been through so much but you seem to have taken it out on me which hurts a lot.

2littlemoos · 30/08/2017 08:04

I understand your hurt OP. I wonder if her issue with you predates your pregnancy, considering she is supportive of your other friend.

Tbh I think you should definitely talk to her about it. What's to lose?

AnUtterIdiot · 30/08/2017 08:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thethoughtfox · 30/08/2017 08:09

She has lost a baby and is constantly reminded by what she has lost when she sees you. Don't think of her looking at your bump 'slyly'; she is grieving and is stealing wistful glances that cause her pain.

Bumdishcloths · 30/08/2017 08:10

For heaven's sake certainly don't message her this as advised by @waitingforlifetostart

'It really hurt me and it's really put dampner on a time that should be really happy.'

You would essentially be saying your friend's miscarriage ruined your pregnancy.

ArgyMargy · 30/08/2017 08:10

Since you put this in AIBU, then yes YABU. Forgiveness is a wonderful thing and so rarely seen nowadays.

Neutrogena · 30/08/2017 08:19

Please have empathy and understanding. She lost a wanted baby.
That hurts a lot of people very deeply, and can cause irrational behaviour.

Contact her and mend the bridges.
Perish the thought how you (on any of use) would have behaved if we had lost babies.

mummmy2017 · 30/08/2017 08:19

Argy you sound like me.
I love the doctors quote... "First do no harm!"
To have a life long friendship means there will be times when your hurt, but sometimes you have to step back and forgive, rather than drive a sledgehammer through it and destroy.
Just think of all the fun you and all your friends are going to have in the near future with all the babies and no nasty vibes...
OMG the baby smell... so want to see and cuddle .. I adore babies, they make it all seem better some how.

waitingforlifetostart · 30/08/2017 08:20

Bumdish - That's not what it's saying. It's saying her treatment caused grief not her miscarriage. She treated her friends differently and blatantly made OP feel bad about her pregnancy but not other friends. Op can either sit back and accept that and probably accept the same trestment about other things in the future or can stand up for herself and nip it in the bud.

waitingforlifetostart · 30/08/2017 08:23

fwiw - I can't have children and I've never once made my friends feel bad because they're having children. Deep down I might feel awful to see pregnant bellies ans squishy newborns but I wouldn't dream of hurting friends with my feelings.

ChilliMary · 30/08/2017 08:24

The fact that she was so happy and interested in your other pregnant friend, whilst all but ignoring you, doesn't seem fair and this friendship seems quite conditional. I would rethink your relationship.

mummmy2017 · 30/08/2017 08:24

Waiting once the babies are here the hurt will heal, and next time anything happens I am sure the friend will be called on it.
This is a group of women,and they could all side with the friend and leave Shopping Queen as the bad guy out in the cold as it was the friend who has the sympathy vote, it's just not worth it this near to having a baby.

QuiteLikely5 · 30/08/2017 08:26

I would not bother mentioning you were hurt. I really don't think she has any ability to self reflect and therefore she will probably be deeply offended!

I would keep her at a distance! Expect nothing from her and you won't be disappointed

dollydimplenotsosimple · 30/08/2017 08:26

A difficult one.

A few years ago I had a friend text me while I was miscarrying my baby and tell me she was pregnant. I'd told my friends the day before that I was miscarrying and she thought that was the best thing to do. The friendship ended there and then for me.

It's up to you. Miscarriage is a funny old thing. You can't quite understand it if you've never had one and the emotions are haywire.

I'm no help at all because I can see it from both sodes

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 30/08/2017 08:26

I really don't get it. She was fine with your other pregnant friend. In her nonapology she doesn't say that it was hard for her to be around pregnant people, Just you.

So having a miscarriage gives her the right to be horrible to just you? Gives her the right to purposely ruin a special time just for you? And you're supposed to just suck it up? NO.

You were supportive. But there's only so much you could do, being pregnant. You couldn't magically turn off your pregnancy to suit her?

I would let it go like another pp said. There is no way she would understand what she's put you through. But I would distance myself from her and I would be very little involved in her pregnancy.

GrapesAreMyJam · 30/08/2017 08:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

schoolgaterebel · 30/08/2017 08:32

The fact that she was ok with your other pregnant friend made me think there is more to this than we can tell from your OP.

Perhaps a more competitive relationship with you, or something about the way you have handled her miscarriage or possibly the way in which you talk about your pregnancy?

I think there are wheats two sides to story and we are only hearing yours here.

schoolgaterebel · 30/08/2017 08:33

*always

pinkdelight · 30/08/2017 08:36

I agree with mummy. If you want the group friendship to continue, be the bigger person, but detach from her a little inside if you want to. mummy's message is good.

To me, this would have been different if it was your first pregnancy. Of course all baby's are special, but the way you talking about sharing joy, excitement, baby showers etc. is a bit out of keeping with my experience of non-PFBs. Nice that you like to celebrate stuff but not everything needs a cake. Maybe that's why she found you too much as opposed to the other friend. All the mums I've known have been busy running around after DC1 and not made a big deal of second pregnancy, which might have been easier for your friend to bear. Maybe not, but just a thought. Hope you can all move on and enjoy your lovely babies now.