AIBU distancing myself from a life long friend?

[xShoppingQueenx]

Bit of a long story but I have known my 'best friend' since primary school, we are both early 30s now and we share our friendship group with 4 other girls from primary school, so all our socialising involves seeing each other. I haven't always been in touch with the 4 other girls but always with my friend. We became less close about 4 yrs ago. We live 5mins away but never see each other individually anymore.

She's never been overly supportive. I don't feel like she's ever truly happy for me and would never tell her any good news first. After struggling for years to buy my first home (she already owned hers), the first thing she said was 'how much was it?' She's the type of person who is only happy if you're not doing well or struggling.

Anyway, fast forward and I'm about to give birth to my second child. She got pregnant with her 2nd a month after me but sadly miscarried at 8wks. Our other close friend was pregnant with her 3rd child and I was with my 2nd. It was obviously a very difficult time for her and I understand that completely. However, for the past 9months she has completely ignored my pregnancy. if we go out as a group I will come waddling in and she will just ignore me, she has never asked me how I am or do I know what I'm having, how many weeks etc? Absoluetly nothing in the whole duration. It's been like the elephant in the room. But she will be slyly looking at my bump out of the corner of her eyes. It has been quite unnerving. Each time our group has gone out socialising no one has been able to share my joy and talk about baby because it's obvious by her face that you just can't. She then started dropping out of things if I would be there, didm't come to my baby shower would be very blunt if I texted her, wouldn't like any rare FB posts I put on social media etc. However, she was completely different with our other pregnant friend, asking to see scan pictures, commenting how gorgeous all her bump pics were on fb and always keeping in touch. I felt hurt tbh, this was a friend who I was always happy for and we have known each other for decades.

Fast forward to yesterday. She texted me out of the blue and said 'Sorry I've not mentioned your pregnancy. When are you due? Hope you're well. I just didn't want to talk about your wonderful news or hear all the good things happening to you… but I've got some good news. I'm pregnant now.' She sent the scan and I obviously congratulated her and said how happy I was and I genuinely am. The thing is now she's non stop talking about her pregnancy in the group whatsapp with everyone- something I didn't feel I was allowed to do. The girls used to have to message me in private and she wants us all to meet up for dinner to share her joy. It's just hard hearing everyone talk about it in the group chat as I missed out on that.

On paper I know this sounds like I'm being selfish but I have been so hurt for the past 9months that I just can't 'switch on' and be normal. I've seen her true colours and she's not the type of person that I feel I want in my life. The fact that she was so lovely to our other pregnant friend makes it feel personal. I can't cut her off because she's in the same friendship group but is it wrong to not want to be as close as we were at school?

Thank you for all the replies, it is good to see different POV, especially as I don't want to bring the other women into it as it's not fair and I would not want to cause friction.

She has had issues with me personally for about 4yrs (since I changed career started doing well for myself) and yes, the other girls have noticed completely how she has been with me- it's been blatantly obvious. I do take into account her unbelievable hurt but it has been very hurtful being completely ignored and then having her fawn over our other friend. She didn't come and visit DD for about 3months when she was born and never buys her presents, although I still do the same for her DD. It is obvious that there are deep rooted issues for her and this has just brought it to the forefront. I will definitely talk to her but after her baby as i would not want to bring ay stress on for her and emotions are high anyway during pregnancy.

Pinkdelight- my first pregnancy wasn't plain sailing and so I didn't celebrate anything as I just wanted DD here safely. This was my first baby shower, really enjoying pregnancy. Maybe that's why I'm also affected by her behaviour.

If it wasn't for the fact there was another pregnant friend I'd be advocating a softly approach. Having had three lost pregnancies I know full well the agony of it.

That said I still could put that aside and be happy for friends who were pregnant. They weren't going out of their way to hurt me. It was just shitty circumstances at the time. Yes, sometimes I'd go home and weep after being with lots of bumps but that's what I needed to do: it was emotionally draining being happy for everyone else (& I genuinely was) at the same time as being worried/grieving for myself and my MC.

As far as I can see this friend's behaviour singles you out over others which is a bit weird.

Go for the coffee and explain how the ignoring of you and only acknowledging one friend's pregnancy felt hurtful to you and that you hope you can move forward and on from what has gone on in the past. See what reaction you get. I'd possibly just step back a little from her, if she gets shirty with you as there's clearly some other issues at play, which you aren't aware of.

Sometimes we outgrow old friendships. Sadly our lives go in differing directions. You may just have to wait and see if this is one of them.

seems like it started before the babies.
I would have said different but for the fact she was able to act toally different to your other pregnant friend.that tells me she treat u or sees you in a way as someone she might be jealous or compete with or just a not equally nice in friendship terms. especially when you mention how she gets in touch only to tell announce to your her successes more or less.
so I would have said poor woman was in grieving mode.but again what about other friend then
so your absolutely reasonable for being upset.but try not to be hun.if this is a friend then you don't need her.and perhaps didn't before? but now your having to decide to release that because of her unkindness it seems a bit harder to let go where as before it just naturally was a parting for you both in contact etc.
it doesn't seem a helpful friendship and I would imagine this wouldhave happened be it over boys.jobs.futures.parties for example it just hurts more over something you obviously want and have every rught to be joyful over.
go to your others now.seek them out and try move past it and enjoy this time.staying still in this anger or sadness will continue to stop any joy that could be had right now.xx

Copperbeach33 That's a pretty horrible response to be honest. The OP has not been self-centred at all, nor lacking empathy. and has been there for her friend during her troubles. Did you miss that bit or ignore it on purpose? If you think this is as black and white as to have 'an injured party', I would say the OP has some right to claim that.

So the other women in the group are aware of this. I'm not impressed with them tbh. They could have made more effort to compensate.

I would stop buying presents for this woman's DD if she doesn't buy for yours. She clearly sees it as a relationship where you 'owe' her more than she does you, and I would, without being unpleasant to her, try and step back from that.

I think the most healthy way forward for you is to try to accept (forgive, maybe?) the way your friend treated you because harbouring anger and resentment will ultimately just be bad for you

But that doesn't mean everything is brushed under the carpet and you're back to being best buddies. There is something about the dynamic that allows her to feel you are (as someone else said) her personal punchbag. She thinks it's acceptable to lash out at you in a way she wouldn't with others. To ignore your pregnancy, to sideline you, to overtly favour the others and make you feel shit- let's call it what it is: bullying.

Her miscarriage was awful for her, but that doesn't 'allow' her to bully someone else.
Unfortunately some people just aren't very good at friendship- it all becomes competitive, or they're very inconsistent and will only be supportive while their life is going better than yours

TBH the distance is already there between you- she's created that. I think you were right to congratulate her on her pregnancy and I think you should continue to keep things smooth in the group
Friendship but I wouldn't trust her any more and I think you just need to accept that any closeness has long gone

I note that you and your friend are both having second but other friend is having a third - did you two have your first around the same time too? I can imagine for her that you represent where she 'should' be much more. I've had three miscarriages and have had times where I just can't bear to be around bumps and new babies at all. I do also find some pregnant women much harder than others, either because they're particularly obsessed with the bump and reluctant to talk about anything else or - and I know this one isn't their fault and so is unfair - because they remind me more of my situation in some way. I wonder if one or both of those apply to you in her head. I also wonder whether she found you unsupportive after the miscarriage - did the other friend do more there? Has other friend maybe had a miscarriage themselves?

To be honest it sounds like there have been problems in the friendship for a long time. If you want to distance yourself from her you obviously can, you don't need anyone's permission. It's quite unusual for an adult to still have a really close friendship with someone from primary school - have you just grown too far apart?

Are most of the posters replying on here missing the point that she was still all over the other pregnant friend?

This is about singling you out OP, for some reason.

To ignore your pregnancy, to sideline you, to overtly favour the others and make you feel shit- let's call it what it is: bullying.

I think this is pretty strong. From the OP the friend didn't come to events with OP, including her baby shower - that's not sidelining her, it's sidelining herself because she, for whatever reason, found it too tough.

I really strongly feel like there's another side to this one. Something about the OP is just so unsympathetic. 'takes sly glances at my bump' - can you really not imagine what lies behind that? That suggests you've never even tried to see it from her perspective. Not allowed to talk about her pregnancy, yet somehow does have a baby shower (for a second pregnancy!). I really think the friend would have a different story to tell.

This started long before your pregnancy. As you said yourself, she can't seem to be happy for you when things are going well. I suspect (but obviously don't know) that she always saw herself as doing better than you. She had a mortgage, a better job etc, and you didn't, and she liked this. Over the last four years this dynamic has obviously changed, and her feelings exacerbated by her unfortunate loss and your pregnancy.

I wouldn't fall out with her, and I definitely wouldn't tell her you're hurt (simply because her miscarriage will have hurt much more than her ignoring your pregnancy so it'll just appear petty), but I would be more weary of her. Stop the presents etc, as she doesn't do it for you. Continue to be friendly etc, but just keep your distance when not with mutual friends.

babbitywabbit thankyo for putting into words what I never would be able to hehe.

Sorry, OP, but I'm with copperbeech and mimiholls. And with Lisasimpsonsbff on the tone of your OP.

Miscarriage is devastating, as I know from multiple experiences, and for a friend to hold the difficulty of dealing with incredibly strong emotions against you as some kind of slight to her pregnancy - to the state you have lost and desperately want to be in - is incredibly upsetting.

You are just as into comparison as her in your comparison of her behaviour towards you to that towards her other friend. Her relationship with that friend is not your concern. There may have been parallels she perceived between your and her experience that were not present in the other friend's situation. Perhaps the other friend was very kind and supportive to her. Perhaps being interested in the other friend's pregnancy was all she felt she could muster up.

If, as you say, you have been feeling uneasy with her for a while, the loss of her attention is no great loss (certainly lesser than hers). Distance yourself, but (as they say on here) own your decision and don't use her behaviour as the sole reason so you can feel like the 100% good guy.

Good luck with the birth.

I can understand her point but can also understand yours. Yes she was probably hurting but I would be very offended that she only wanted to talk as soon as she was pregnant again. I had a friend very similar to this and I didn't completely cut her out of my life but I don't go out of my way. E.g. I don't text her first and pretty much only see her at group events or parties etc. at first I was sad I lost the friendship but now I feel better for it.

I don't think it's too strong at all to call it bullying. Her behaviour is what ive sadly seen among a number of female friendship groups over my teaching years. Bullying doesn't have to be overt name calling - often the most hurtful stuff is the sidelining, the very calculated being overly nice to other people in the group while trying to make the target of the bullying feel hurt and
Often bewildered about what they've done 'wrong.'

I agree with fhe poster who said if this wasn't pregnancy it would be something else... resentment about your job, your income, your relationship.

Shit happens in everyone's life, and surely the test of a real friend is someone who is genuinely happy for you through the good stuff and there to support you through the bad. The OP has tried to do that for her friend but it's become a one way street. It's the other woman's loss ultimately. Unfortunately some people do carry those nasty bullying traits into adulthood- they just can't seem to get the hang of friendship without competitiveness and bitching.

Not a friend in the slightest.....if she had been the same with both pregnant ladies I would say ,cut her some slack....as she was able to nice to yr pregnant friend,but not you,suggests a nastiness towards you that you don't need...I don't understand why the pregnant friend didn't draw you in to the conversation when she was gushing over her pregnancy,why didn't someone in the group include you in those moments,why did they all go along with it???? ..time to find some proper friends ,leave these women with their petty games to each other...x

Shit happens in everyone's life, and surely the test of a real friend is someone who is genuinely happy for you through the good stuff and there to support you through the bad. The OP has tried to do that for her friend but it's become a one way street.

Have you ever had a miscarriage? I've felt envious of other things before - jobs, etc. - but nothing else was the punch to the gut that seeing a friend's pregnancy after miscarriage was. It felt visceral. I've never previously thought of myself as a jealous person and I was shocked and very upset at what I felt.

I also don't actually see that much evidence that the OP did try particularly hard to be supportive, and her attitude now (which seems to be that not getting to witter on about your pregnancy on WhatsApp is a loss equivalent to a miscarriage) certainly doesn't suggest she was the most sympathetic ear.

This is a difficult one on account of the group dynamic. It will be hard to ditch her completely because of her friendship with the others. Do they make a fuss of her?

I think she sounds nasty. It wasn't about the miscarriage, it was about you. For some reason she targeted you. She's pretty much admitted that in the text she sent.

Fortunately the others have noticed her behaviour. However, it will be difficult to distance yourself completely without the whole group doing the same.

lisa- yes, many people experience horrific losses and that visceral feeling is very powerful. But this isn't about feelings, it's about how the woman acted on them.

Op,once baby is here join as many groups as you can,go to toddler / baby sessions.and these women will be a distant memory.

Bullying behaviour from your "friend". Don't waste your time talking to her and given your friendship dynamic just distance yourself and stop the one way traffic of texts/gifts etc as part of that.

It's not like her behaviour was only attributed to her miscarriage, that could perhaps be understood and forgiven.

However, she has form for this kind of thing. She sounds like a total bitch. I would distance yourself from her because she only wants to play nice when things are good in her life. That's not how friendships work.

Why did she choose you and not your other friend to be so odd with? How come she gushed over her and ignored you?

I thought your original question was a bit odd - "but is it wrong to not want to be as close as we were at school?"
Because the answer is so obvious - No. You are not a schoolgirl. You don't need to be the same person you were at 15. You are entitled to have friendships that support the adult you.

I don't think it actually matters why your friend has been unkind, but just that in a time of stress she chose to take her own problems out on you. That in itself is sufficient reason to withdraw from her and focus on other friendships.
And given that you don't intend to cut her off entirely anyway I don't think you need to expend more naval gazing time on it.

I'm not unsympathetic, I've been in a very similar position. But don't waste your time asking why, invest in the people that make you happy.

Similar situation with a friend who had been trying for two years unsuccessfully, I hadn't told anyone we were trying, we had two miscarriages (we didn't tell anyone that either) she found out she needed ivf to conceive, so when I was 12wks I phoned her (so she could easily make an excuse and go, digest the news in her own time) and she was off with me, she remained off with me until she fell pregnant, it tainted our friendship, she's my DH best friends little sister, so very much in our group of friends. Time will pass and you'll find it easy to be friendly when you have group get togethers, but the damage is done and unlikely you'll be able to get back to the real closeness you once felt.