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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - Nursery

331 replies

sk505 · 29/08/2017 18:36

My daughter is 16months and goes to nursery twice a week.
In our religion, girls' nappies are not changed by boys and girls must be dressed with dignity. nursery are aware of this.
Today, I went to fetch her and she was running around in just a nappy. No clothes at all. This was extremely upsetting as I know male members of staff walk through and around the nursery. I'm not making any personal comments or any judgements, but it is against our religion. It transpires that her clothes were all clean. Her spare clothes were available and she has been well behaved. No one knows why she was without clothes for over an hour.
AIBU to cause a storm over this,?

OP posts:
blacksax · 29/08/2017 21:26

I think I know which religion this might be.

Plus no religion is above discriminating against nursery staff this isn't about discrimination at all. It is about a parent's wish to preserve her child's modesty in accordance with her religion.

In any case, women and girls have the right to ask to be treated by a female doctor/nurse, so I can't see that this situation is all that much different, since it involves removing clothing.

Bumdishcloths · 29/08/2017 21:26

Fuck me rigid there are some right twats on this thread.

Respecting someone else's religious beliefs should not be this hard. Stop shitting all over the OP. As IF someone suggested that requesting her DD be covered up is fucking child abuse??! As IF someone suggested that OP shouldn't be accessing mainstream childcare arrangements with her requests??! What is WRONG with you people?

OP, YANBU - you have made your request, nursery were meant to comply, they didn't. Complain, complain, complain.

ItsNachoCheese · 29/08/2017 21:26

girlinthedirtyshirt totally agree with your post

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/08/2017 21:28

I am not sure why people are demanding to know the ops religion, it actually isn't relevant

It kinda does matter when someone wants us to be all outraged on their behalf about an organisation or company not allowing kids in their care to comply with essential religious requirements if those religious requirements are not actually real and are misrepresentations of entirely different things so not essential not religious and not requirements and actually just culture, that thing People throw around to excuse all sorts of practises and behaviour that are or can be damaging

RonSwansonsMoustache · 29/08/2017 21:28

OP I'm confused. I thought you moved to Cambridge in May but your daughter is at nursery in London now?

Interesting Hmm

Barbie222 · 29/08/2017 21:29

I think there have been some unpleasant posts but I don't think it's disrespectful to ask why OP thinks this rule is important and how she justifies the clear message about shame and childhood sexualisation that it gives. I don't believe this can be the first time OP has been asked why she has views that fall so far outside what the majority here think is fair and reasonable, so she presumably either has a justification in her mind, or she has no justification and therefore avoids answering the questions. Of course, she has no need to elaborate either way on a public forum, but we are all left to draw our own inferences if someone asks a question on Mumsnet but can't help anyone understand her position by explaining her faith and reasoning.

PoorYorick · 29/08/2017 21:30

On the one hand I feel I should respect people's religious beliefs, but on the other yours are batshit and offensive so I don't really care.

YellowFlower201 · 29/08/2017 21:31

I wouldn't be very happy about this. Ask them to report back to you in writing? Putting your religious requirements to one side, they should know why your daughter was dressed in a nappy for an hour in a 19c room without anyone knowing why and nobody doing something about it. Very poor show!
Remind them of your requirements and ask them what they will do to ensure this won't happen again. I'm sure ofsted wouldn't be impressed if they knew they are not following parents' wishes.

YouRat · 29/08/2017 21:34

What's this religion?
The main issue is leaving a child without clothes on a whole hour when all the other children were dressed. TBH I wouldn't have left the place till I had answers.

Mumof56 · 29/08/2017 21:36

Maybe the only available staff member to dress her was male?

Why would you send your daughter to a nursery where members of staff aren't allowed to care for her at your request?

We live in a country of equality. You can't discriminate based on sex.

ShellyBoobs · 29/08/2017 21:40
Hmm
NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/08/2017 21:43

Sounds like the Orthodox Jewish

My understanding is that Tzniut doesn't apply to very little kids like under around 6/7

Barbie222 · 29/08/2017 21:44

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gettinfedduppathis · 29/08/2017 21:49

What would be our reaction if, for example, the parents had told the nursery that they were bring their child up as a vegan and they found that the dc had been given cow's milk?

Many people think that veganism is unsuitable for small children and say the parents were being ridiculous imposing their beliefs on their child (and what if there was no vegan milk available on that occasion and the dc was thirsty?). It is their child and their choice, and they would have every right to complain to the nursery.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/08/2017 21:55

If she has 1:1 care yet was left "immodestly" dressed for an hour and your 1:1 worker doesn't know why, then what was she doing for that hour? Was it her lunch break? There's no logic to them not knowing.

I would suggest pulling her out and hiring an Au pair or similar who can follow your requests more specifically

trappedinsuburbia · 29/08/2017 21:59

I wouldn't be happy with this OP, I hope you get to the bottom of it.
I'm an atheist btw each to their own, I would respect your beliefs.

Miserylovescompany2 · 29/08/2017 22:01

I'm also thinking Orthodox Jew...

"Married Jewish women typically cover their hair as a sign that they are no longer single. Orthodox Jews train their girls from a very young age to dress modestly."

Pointeshoes · 29/08/2017 22:01

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Willow2017 · 29/08/2017 22:02

The fact that op has not said what religion it is makes people doubt there actually is such a religion which in turn makes it hard to sympathise

Of course if there were female staff around they should have either dressed the child or given op an explanation as to why her child had no clothes on.

But the ops posts are so evasive it's hard to actually believe staff would leave only one child running around in just a nappy when all the rest were in clothes. It doesn't make any sense at all. And even more unbelievable when there is supposed to be 1:1 staff ratio.

(What nursery can afford that?)

1DAD2KIDS · 29/08/2017 22:08

I personally don't agree with your religions stance on strict clothing rules for females in terms of their individual rights and the message it send to how women should be treated. I do believe in your parental rights. We as parents should have the right (within some boundaries) to make our own choices on how we raise our children. You should also be free to express your religious beliefs (of course within in some boundaries). Most defiantly in this instance you are perfectly right to ask that your religious values be respected for your child. I would personally have a good talk to them and ensure that they know and are happy to respect your wishes on this. If they cant or it is against their values (that would be perfectly valid too IMO) find somewhere that can.

mogulfield · 29/08/2017 22:09

I'm a practising Christian and believe ardently in my faith. So I do understand where you're coming from, from believing a faith and following its doctrine.

However Op, I think children should be children and covering up a girl that young for modesty is sad, as I'm also a feminist and it's 2017.

namechangedforthisreply · 29/08/2017 22:10

.

Phalenopsisgirl · 29/08/2017 22:16

Nothing intolerant about questioning the validity of a belief system that requires 16 month old children to be dressed 'modestly'. The fact modesty for a baby even factors into someone's thought process is for me, quite sickening.

blacksax · 29/08/2017 22:24

The tot will have no clue that it is about modesty and will not understand the concept for years anyway, so that argument is temporarily irrelevant.

This issue is about a parent's wishes regarding their child's care, which were not being followed by the nursery.

pp2017 · 29/08/2017 22:26

Holy shit I can't believe people are questioning the OPs religious beliefs and passing judgement on whether it's acceptable/old fashioned/masoginistic/ridiculous insert any other insulting adjective

No, it's not discriminatory to say a male CM can't change a female child's nappy as it would be not be treating the male CM in an "unfair" way, stop being so bloody ridiculously PC.... 🙄

OP - just politely remind them and explain how it upset you and as others have said maybe given them specific examples of acceptable clothing?

and ignore the narrow minded tw@ts on this thread, they're causing more of a storm in a bloody teacup than you are 😡