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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU - Nursery

331 replies

sk505 · 29/08/2017 18:36

My daughter is 16months and goes to nursery twice a week.
In our religion, girls' nappies are not changed by boys and girls must be dressed with dignity. nursery are aware of this.
Today, I went to fetch her and she was running around in just a nappy. No clothes at all. This was extremely upsetting as I know male members of staff walk through and around the nursery. I'm not making any personal comments or any judgements, but it is against our religion. It transpires that her clothes were all clean. Her spare clothes were available and she has been well behaved. No one knows why she was without clothes for over an hour.
AIBU to cause a storm over this,?

OP posts:
NotIdiotProof · 30/08/2017 09:59

Second i wonder if the response would be the same if child was a boy.

Yes, I would have responded exactly the same if OP posted saying her religion demanded "modesty" from a male baby.

supermoon100 · 30/08/2017 10:01

It does seem a bit sad to impose such rules on such a young child whatever your beliefs

HerRoyalFattyness · 30/08/2017 10:07

it's more than a bit sad. It's ridiculous.
I'm a not very good catholic.
I believe in something (not the bollocks in the Bible) more. It's difficult to explain, but let's just say I believe in god. What god is I don't know, just that it's something more than us.

I would never impose those beliefs on my DC. They are my beliefs.
Their dad wanted them christened. I refused.
What they Believe is their choice. It's not for us to put that on them.

ChocolateRicecake · 30/08/2017 10:26

I can't believe the level of vitriol coming from some posters.

The thread wasn't started to debate religion, but the lack of trust in a nursery which has agreed something yet failed to follow through without an explanation.

SnickersWasAHorse · 30/08/2017 10:40

I treat all religions with the same level of suspicion but as a vegetarian I know that I would be very pissed off if I walked into nursery to find my child chewing on a sausage. I know that a lot of people on here don't agree with raising a child as a vegetarian but that is as much someones choice and their right to dictate that about their child as a religion.

JassyRadlett · 30/08/2017 10:46

The thread wasn't started to debate religion, but the lack of trust in a nursery which has agreed something yet failed to follow through without an explanation.

Turns out people are awesome at multitasking.

NotIdiotProof · 30/08/2017 10:47

I make some choices for my son.

Before he is able to pick out what he wants to wear in the morning, I choose his clothes. Once he is able to choose what he wants to wear, I let him decide as long as it's appropriate for the situation - eg he can't wear his gruffalo costume to school in 30c heat.

I choose what he eats because I make all the meals for the family. Once he is old enough to choose his own food and cook it for himself, he'll be more than welcome to do that. Beyond that, as long as nursery aren't force feeding him coca cola and he gets some nutrients I really don't care what he eats.

I make certain choices for him to keep him safe, so he can't choose not to hold my hand when we cross the road, and he can't choose not to be in his car seat when we're driving, and he can't choose to lean really far out of the window.

Beyond that sort of thing, I really don't see what right we have to force our own choices on our children, particularly this sort of thing where it can end up doing serious detriment.

I don't agree with forcing vegetarianism on a child either FWIW (lifelong veggie here!), but being a veggie is not going to harm them which is the essential point here.

demirose87 · 30/08/2017 10:54

Haven't read through the whole thread so apologies if I've missed anything significant. I used to be a nursery nurse and looked after a little girl who was Hindu. Her parents had expressed their wishes that she was always covered, so she was always wearing tights or trousers and never had her legs on show. This was always respected and it really was not difficult. I think there has been lack of communication somewhere between OP and nursery and they need to be informed of parents wishes again. We can all say we don't agree with something to do with someone's religion but it is obviously important to them.

Gromance02 · 30/08/2017 10:56

Wow...I didn't realise babies could decide what religion they were! Oh, sorry, my mistake, the parents have decided what religion someone else is going to be.

MNHQ
SophieLMumsnet · 30/08/2017 11:14

Thanks for reporting, everyone. We can't see that the OP isn't genuine, so if anyone's got any doubts at all, please do report to us rather than troll-hunting on the thread.

Thanks again Flowers

ChocolateRicecake · 30/08/2017 11:33

Turns out people are awesome at multitasking

Jassy I actually agree entirely with the view you've previously expressed, but there are a lot of people starting off with 'what religion are you?/you are mistreating your child' and completely ignoring the nursery issue.

pp2017 · 30/08/2017 13:12

This thread is driving me insane!!!

NOWHERE has the OP said she intends to force her child to follow her beliefs for the rest of her life, or make her live any way that would be harmful to her - she may well allow said child to make her own decisions WHEN SHE IS OLD ENOUGH!!

But at the moment the child isn't old enough to make such choices so OP has simply asked her nursery to keep the child modestly covered - not wrapped in sodding tin foil and ten layers of hand woven wool for crying out loud!!

No one on this thread knows anything about the rest of the OPs life choices and beliefs yet so many assumptions are being made and conclusions jumped to - if I were OP I'd be feeling very hurt, oppressed and quite frankly, bullied by grown women who should know frickin better 😡😡😡😡

DoReMeFaBlaBla · 30/08/2017 13:14

oh give over pp. Do you really not see the irony in banging on about the OP being oppressed?!

PeaFaceMcgee · 30/08/2017 14:01

Of course one or more workers at the nursery know exactly why she was in just a nappy - they just don't want to tell you yet.

If you don't think they can follow your wishes then end your contract.

pp2017 · 30/08/2017 14:58

🙄🙄🙄

That was exactly my point.....

#doublestandards

pinkblink · 30/08/2017 15:16

How on earth does a 1:1 ratio nursery cover all its overheads and not go out of business??

Redglitter · 30/08/2017 15:26

I can't even understand the point of this thread. OK says in first post should she kick up a storm about it then says management are investigating. So it's being dealt with by management. Great

As for being outed if you said what religion you were what rubbish. How on earth is confirming or stating your religion identifiable Hmm

I better not mention I'm protestant Church of Scotland or everyone will know who I am

CoteDAzur · 30/08/2017 16:10

"she may well allow said child to make her own decisions WHEN SHE IS OLD ENOUGH!!"

And until then, she can't ever swim in the sea or go to a pool party with her friends?

How old is old enough? 18?

Poor child Sad

CoteDAzur · 30/08/2017 16:12

Will she learn to swim, OP? Or do you plan to wait until she is 18 for her first lesson?

Fruitcorner123 · 30/08/2017 16:14

Every thread on mumsnet that I have ever seen which mentions religion ends up like this. With person after person making rude comments about anyone with any faith saying all religions are stupid/they're all the same etc. I dont actually believe there are many people on here who understamd the ins and outs of every religion. Can you not see that you are judging billions of people around the world because they have a different view of the world to you?

As a pp said we know nothing about the OPs life choices for her child apart from this one thing. The things she asked for havent been respected by the nursery who said they would respect it. If I was paying for a one to one nursery place I would expect someone on the staff to be accountable for my child at all times.

Also comparing it to veganism is wrong. Requiring a child to wear clothes is not going to affect their physical health(it was air conditioned) a restrictive diet may.

DesignedForLife · 30/08/2017 16:43

OP - it's clear your wishes haven't been met, and in a 1:1 situation this is really quite surprising. Most 18 month olds can't undress themselves so if I were you I'd want an explanation of what happened and why no one got her dressed. I don't adhere to the same religious rules but I'd be surprised if I went to collect my child from nursery and they didn't have clothes on. Water play messy play can easily be done in old clothes or a rash suit if that's the issue.

BottleBeach · 30/08/2017 17:04

Setting the religion/modesty issue aside, you have paid for 1:1 childcare, so YANBU to be upset that your agreement with the nursery has been broken, and also that they could not give a clear explanation about this.

However, I don't understand the point of a nursery with a 1:1 ratio. Sounds like it must be pretty crowded. Perhaps that's why they can't explain what happened; too many cooks? If you can afford 1:1, why not just have a nanny?

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 30/08/2017 17:40

Poor little girl.

I don't know how anyone can argue that teaching a 16-month-old her torso and legs are shameful isn't harming that child.

Fruitcorner123 · 30/08/2017 18:06

teaching a 16-month-old her torso and legs are shameful

where has the OP said that?

I don't agree with her religious view but her view is that its about the little girl's dignity. If you had an elderly mother with dementia ( so unable to speak for herself) in a retirement home and wanted her torso and legs covered around male members of staff and wanted female members of staff to provide any intimate care it wouldn't be becuse her torso and legs were shameful. It would be to protect her dignity. This situation is completely different for most of us because it s a baby but it isn't different to the OP.

mumoffour1716154 · 30/08/2017 18:14

Is this post for real??
Muslim here - and have never heard of modesty issues for babies!!! Does it matter who changes the nappy? Will the same rule apply for herself in any A&E care needs??