Not to go to my parents' because dad's 'brother' is coming

[sintnabo]

I tried to keep this short but I have a tendency to waffle –

My dad has a brother who emigrated 30 years ago when I was a baby, they did not keep in touch and I had never met/known him or had a desire to do so.
He came back for a visit last year to go to his mother’s funeral (strange as he never came back to visit her or kept in contact with her while she was alive) and now my dad and his brother have rekindled their relationship, and his brother has come back again to visit.

I do not like this man, I have no strong reasons for that, but I don’t enjoy being around him and I have no desire to form a relationship with him, as far as I am concerned he is just a friend of my dad’s – I’m happy for my dad but this man is no one to me.

My children and I eat with my parents most Fridays. His brother has invited himself over for dinner and Friday in the earliest they can do it.

Would I be unreasonable to say we won’t be going this Friday?

If my dad was inviting a random friend around for dinner there is no way in hell I would go. And that’s basically all he is. I have some kind of social anxiety, nothing major, but most social events stress me out to some degree.

I’ll add that I have a month old baby and currently spend a lot of my time sitting with my boobs out while the baby feeds/sleeps on me- something which I feel comfortable doing in front of my parents but won’t in front of this guy. We usually spend several hours there on Fridays, longer the past few weeks as it’s the school holidays. So I'd be pacing trying to settle the baby in other ways, or we'd just spend as little time as possible there which would upset the kids.

I cannot relax in front of most people. I can’t sit on the couch with my baby and chat to my mum for hours as we usually would. It’ll be awkward, uncomfortable, and terribly boring.

I know it’s my dad’s brother and they have this new found relationship and the brother would like to spend time with his ‘family’ but why should I suddenly have to play happy families and pretend we are family when we are really, really not, just because HE has decided to return after all this time?
Hell if he invited one of his sisters around for dinner there’s no way I’d have any problems with saying we’re not coming as it’s well known that they are not nice (except one) and I wouldn’t be expected to come, even though I’ve seen them a handful of times in my life.

Would it be really bad to just say we’ll sit this one out?

Really it’s only my dad’s feelings I need to think about, and possibly my mum’s as she doesn’t like him either but my dad knows we don’t like him.. and I can't see why he'd be offended. We see him lots. Maybe he wants to show off the grandkids and I shouldn’t deny him that, but they met him once last year and… I’m going around in circles and I didn’t manage to keep this short after all.

Why do you dislike him so much? You seem to have very strong feelings about this that must come from somewhere?

YABU

Its up to you.

But honestly find it very odd you dislike him for no reason.

He is your dads brother. Not his 'brother'. Your dad has a history that predates the 30 years not contact. They grew up together.

My fil wasnt that close to his brother. When he died he was very upset. Everyone fil shared his childhood with (his only brother and parents) had died. No one to reminise about their early years, their parents etc.

As i said its up to you. But really dont get why you wouldnt go or the angst about it.

Got to be more of a backstory here

Unless you know he is unsavoury why would you not acknowledge he is actually family?
You sound a bit jealous your df is giving his attention to another. . .
No reason you and your dm can't chat I'm another room is there??

Gosh that's a lot of drama from someone who doesn't even know the guy.

Probably best you do keep away tbh.

It's your uncle. Him and your dad share a lifetime of history and your dad may be very happy that they have reconnected after many years apart.

What a drama! Don't go if you really object to your uncle and don't mind hurting your dad's feelings. Or, just go and, you know, make friendly noises for a few hours.

Agree with worral.. You sound like hardwork.

It's not all about you. Your dad can have whomever he wants in his house and if you don't like it, you can stay away.

Do you usually get so upset when your dad sees a friend? I mean, I get that this guy is nothing to you but he is a big deal to your dad. Go or don't go, but why all the sneering?

Not jealous at all, I'm happy to sit this one out. I just don't see why I need to be there and play happy families? The only thing I am concerned about is if it would upset my dad, don't really think it would but I apparently am clueless.

To be honest I think you need to work on your anxiety which seems to root cause of this issue.

Difficult one. I think yanbu, as a new mum, to be concerned about having to feed baby in front of a relative 'stranger'.

However, sometimes we have to suck it up when it comes to keeping loved ones happy. Your dad is obviously happy to be reunited with his brother and wants you to be a part of it.

Could you 'pop in' for a cuppa rather than stay for dinner?

What is it you don't like about him? That he didn't make an effort to keep in touch? Or do you have an instinct that something about him isn't right?

Yep.
You are clueless if you think your behaviour is reasonable.
HTH.

As I said I am happy for my dad, I get that he is his brother and they have a history and it's nice that they're in contact again. I don't mind him going over there at all, I'd just rather not at the same time. I see my parents loads I am more than happy to skip this Friday.

To the comment about me sitting with my mum in another room - then me and my mum might as well just spend the evening here instead - we'd both prefer that!

I don't know if you're being unreasonable, rarely I take an instant dislike to someone but there is always something at some point that proves that I was right to dislike them even though I had no reason to.

You are being both unreasonable and ridiculous.

And why put 'brother'?! He is his brother. No need for the inverted commas.

What do you mean play happy families?

Your dad doesnt expect you to pretend yoy have known him your whole life

I don't understand all your angst over this either. You seem very bitter about the fact that your uncle didn't stay in touch after he emigrated, except he must have stayed in touch with someone or else he wouldn't have known about his Mum in order to come back for the funeral.

Families lose touch for lots of reasons, especially 30 years ago when it was harder to stay in touch than it is now, I think you need to forget about the lack of contact as your Dad has managed to.

Why don't you just go for the meal and then go home again, make an excuse about needing to get up early or someone delivering something so you need to be home.

It's rare to like everyone in your family but that's no reason not to make an effort to get on with them all.

Of course it would upset your Dad!

OK, you have social anxiety, and your approach may we'll be rooted in this. It is perfectly normal for your Dad to want to re-unite with his brother (brother, not friend...), and to involve you. You don't want to because of your difficulties, not because the situation is unreasonable.

Can you go for a much shorter time than usual? Just go to ear, rather than hanging out for ages?

Do you have a diagnosis for your anxiety, and are you getting treatment for it?
If not, bear in mind that things are only going to get harder as your DC grow up and want to mix with other people, who may be less tolerant of what they might percieve as whining, sulking and attention-seeking from you.

I think you're being a bit odd. He's your dad's brother and your uncle - surely you're grown up enough to go around and make polite small-talk for a few hours? You don't have to be his best mate, but the poor bloke hasn't done anything wrong and yet seems to be hated by both you and your mother

My dad wasn't in touch with his siblings or parents for years (abusive childhood), yet when his mum passed, him and his sister got back in touch and they speak everyday now. I never had a relationship with my grandparents or my aunt growing up, but I absolutely don't begrudge my dad that relationship - it's his sister! And if she came over for dinner on a day I was due to visit, I would go, be polite and make my dad happy by having his family all together for once. Opting out wouldn't even be a consideration, tbh.

The inverted commas were to try to show that he is less than a brother, if not only in the way that he is not really my uncle. But I can see that that seems a little petty.

Anecdoche

am i right in thinking this is more about your anxiety with a bit of judging him for not bothering with his mum and other family than it is about not liking him? after all, you dont need to like someone in order to be civil to them and see them as part of a larger group.

Yes, I think it's bad that he didn't bother to keep in touch with his mother for so long but then suddenly came back for the funeral. And now suddenly I'm supposed to act like I have an uncle?
But yes my main issue will be spending the evening being uncomfortable.

Most of my reasons for not liking him are just petty, I guess. He's creepy, full of himself, and very boring, drones on about himself and how great he is. He's not done anything to me I just don't want to spend time with him. (There's some other stuff but non of it affects me) But as I said, if it was any of most other people I'd probably feel the same, but because he's technically family I'm supposed to go?