Not to go to my parents' because dad's 'brother' is coming

[sintnabo]

I tried to keep this short but I have a tendency to waffle –

My dad has a brother who emigrated 30 years ago when I was a baby, they did not keep in touch and I had never met/known him or had a desire to do so.
He came back for a visit last year to go to his mother’s funeral (strange as he never came back to visit her or kept in contact with her while she was alive) and now my dad and his brother have rekindled their relationship, and his brother has come back again to visit.

I do not like this man, I have no strong reasons for that, but I don’t enjoy being around him and I have no desire to form a relationship with him, as far as I am concerned he is just a friend of my dad’s – I’m happy for my dad but this man is no one to me.

My children and I eat with my parents most Fridays. His brother has invited himself over for dinner and Friday in the earliest they can do it.

Would I be unreasonable to say we won’t be going this Friday?

If my dad was inviting a random friend around for dinner there is no way in hell I would go. And that’s basically all he is. I have some kind of social anxiety, nothing major, but most social events stress me out to some degree.

I’ll add that I have a month old baby and currently spend a lot of my time sitting with my boobs out while the baby feeds/sleeps on me- something which I feel comfortable doing in front of my parents but won’t in front of this guy. We usually spend several hours there on Fridays, longer the past few weeks as it’s the school holidays. So I'd be pacing trying to settle the baby in other ways, or we'd just spend as little time as possible there which would upset the kids.

I cannot relax in front of most people. I can’t sit on the couch with my baby and chat to my mum for hours as we usually would. It’ll be awkward, uncomfortable, and terribly boring.

I know it’s my dad’s brother and they have this new found relationship and the brother would like to spend time with his ‘family’ but why should I suddenly have to play happy families and pretend we are family when we are really, really not, just because HE has decided to return after all this time?
Hell if he invited one of his sisters around for dinner there’s no way I’d have any problems with saying we’re not coming as it’s well known that they are not nice (except one) and I wouldn’t be expected to come, even though I’ve seen them a handful of times in my life.

Would it be really bad to just say we’ll sit this one out?

Really it’s only my dad’s feelings I need to think about, and possibly my mum’s as she doesn’t like him either but my dad knows we don’t like him.. and I can't see why he'd be offended. We see him lots. Maybe he wants to show off the grandkids and I shouldn’t deny him that, but they met him once last year and… I’m going around in circles and I didn’t manage to keep this short after all.

I agree with PP you do seem to be making this all about you OP.

he is not really my uncle Er, yes he is...........

If you don't want to go then just say you're tired, no need for huge drama is there? Unless that was what you were hoping for?

I appreciate your dad and his brother haven't had much contact over the years but people get older, they remember their roots and often have feelings to go back to the place of their birth, rekindle old relationships, make good what wasn't good in the past. I think it's kind of something a lot of people put in place as they get older and can still do it, perhaps before it's too late.

I think you should put aside your feelis and spend this small amount of time with the guy. If it makes a couple of old(ish) men happy why wouldn't you?

OP do you perhaps mean .....

He is a Stranger to you... and you have no interest in adding to your family unit ? regardless of his DNA as such ...

is this what you mean .... ?

It's only a few hours! Can't you indulge your dad (and uncle) and support your mum (as she doesn't like him)? It sounds like they do things for you (like have you over for a meal once a week). You don't have to launch into a full on uncle-niece thing and see him more regularly, but once or twice a year can't do any harm, surely?

I think there are some harsh reponses from people unable to understand OP's point of view. To be fair, I think she's laid out more facts than necessary, which has distracted her audience.

To me it's simple. She enjoys visiting her parents for dinner. A stranger being there changes the experience to one that is fairly unpleasant and uncomfortable for her, so she doesn't want to go.

It's irrelevant whether it's in any way the strangers fault she doesn't enjoy him being there.

A social occasion is meant to be enjoyable, if she knows she's not going to enjoy it, she shouldn't go.

You don't have to see anyone you don't want to or give any excuses for not going. I would happily avoid a family member I didn't like.

Your stuff about him not being your dad's brother or your uncle is really weird though. Of course he is, what on earth are you in about??

@normasmuff

OP and her children aren't objects to be shown off to anyone, including her absent uncle.
She is uncomfortable, she doesn't like him and she doesn't want to go. THATS FINE.
Just because the guest in her fathers home is her fathers brother doesn't mean she's obligated to go nor like him!

If OP went and was rude, surly etc then she'd be in the wrong.

While I think your reaction to your uncle is unnecessary and over the top, I also think that it is one Friday night dinner of many, and if you don´t fancy it, then why not find something else to do on Friday evening so you can´t make it? Or if you think your father would be very disappointed if you can´t make it, then stop by briefly, say hello and go on your way.

I think it's fine not to want to breastfeed in front of him and just duck out this one time.

You obviously do have social anxiety issues, that or every member of the family that isn't your mum or dad (this brother, the sisters) are all awful, which is a possibility!

Either way, I wouldn't sweat it and I wouldn't go, but I wouldn't make a big thing of it, say you'd rather not feed in front of this person and perhaps you can catch up with them another time (as yet unspecified).

AAARG - did a big long post then lost it. So here is a quick summary;

• 30 years ago when he left it wasnt so easy to keep in touch
• the older generation (especially males) didn't really do that sort of thing (from experience with my and Dh's DPs)

• their DM died and they probably feel the need to reconnect with "blood" as they themselves age
• your DF would probably love to "show off" his lovely family
• the uncle may be all bravado simply because people like to show themselves in a good light
• suck it up for one night and if he is horrible/offensive etc you have every right to avoid him
• basically do it for your DF.

Thank god for firesuit because that's exactly what I took from it too.

Op, don't go. Don't make up an excuse, tell your parents how you feel- this man may be family to your dad and you're happy they've reconnected, but he's not a part of your life and you don't plan on changing that.
It doesn't have to sound terrible, just factual. The man is a stranger to you, despite him being your fathers brother. You didn't know him growing up, you've no pre existing relationship. You don't feel comfortable. See you Saturday or Sunday instead if you're free mum and dad!

YANBU not to want to sit breastfeeding your baby in front of virtual stranger - and the alternative is to banish yourself to another room.

Give your parents you apologies, but say that you wouldn't want to intrude on his time with his brother.

You are not being unreasonable. Just make an excuse for why you can't go. Having a tiny baby sounds like a good one.

Life is too short to spend with people that you don't care for (even if you can't put your finger on why). If he sticks around, he may in time grow on you, but no reason why you should go this time. Just make an excuse so as not to hurt your father's feelings/create any drama.

Are you an only child?

Sounds to me like you're insecure and jealous that your dad has an emotional bond with someone else very close to him.
You don't like it that YOU are not the centre of attention. By making this all about you and breaking a routine, you bring the attention back to yourself.

You're trying to use the past to justify your position - immature and ignorant.
Have you even bothered asking your dad about what happened in the past?
For all you know your dad could have been secretly in communication with his brother - obviously knew how to contact him.

So what if you don't know him - i'm sure you've met and spoken to plenty of people whom you 'never met before'?

I'm surprised that you can't even make this small effort so your dad can enjoy this moment.

There seems to be a very unhealthy dynamic if you and your mother's reaction to your Dad's delight at rediscovering his brother is to tell him how much you dislike him and to try and cause tension around meetings. It's interesting you're unpleasant about the rest of his family too, it seems to indicate a bit of a level of control.

You do realise that when he went to Australia the only methods of contact would have been airmail and the occasional very poor quality incredibly expensive phone call (if you were lucky, some people didn't even have access 30 years ago). It was a lot easier to lose touch.

Trust your instincts. If you don't want to go then don't.

I'm not sure some of the harsh responses on here are helpful to you.

Sounds like her mother has been drip-feeding OP poison about her dad's side of the family......

I don't think you are insecure and jealous as someone else suggested. I think that for whatever reason you are not comfortable with your dad's brother. You don't want to spend time in his company.

Trust your gut. Don't go to your parents' home this week.

You say your mother doesn't like him either - there may be something about him that makes women feel uncomfortable - perhaps he is over-familiar, or patronising, or just (as you describe him) "creepy".

I wouldn't spend time with anyone I felt like this about - it will be worse if you go and can't disguise your dislike.

Have a family night in with your children instead.

So, how many times have you actually met him? If he just came back for a visit last year, is it just the once? You don't have to be all lovey-dovey with him, but I think it's unfair not to give him a chance. So what if the evening is boring?

Gemini69

OP do you perhaps mean .....

He is a Stranger to you... and you have no interest in adding to your family unit ? regardless of his DNA as such ...

is this what you mean .... ?

Yep, you worded it so much better, thanks.
I know he's technically my uncle, but it just feels like because of this we're supposed to pretend to have a relationship, whereas if it was just a random guy, I wouldn't be expected to socialise with him.

Maybe my wording is off because I had an uncle who wasn't technically my uncle but he was to me? Whereas this guy is a relative but nothing to me.

I think my only concern here if how much it'd upset my dad, if at all, hence the thread. He knows I don't like him so thought maybe he won't care if we're not there but assumes we will be.

To those who asked why my mum doesn't like him - she knew him before he left and basically just thinks he is smug, arrogant and full of himself. Again, no real reason, but she's never liked him. Again she's happy for them to spend time together but doesn't want to have to spend time with him too. He and my dad are spending loads of time together while he's here, including a trip they're taking together, which she's fine about, as it's perfect as they get to do their thing without us feeling we need to participate.

YANBU. You have a month-old baby, so be kind to yourself. If you really, seriously do not wish to spend time with anyone, you should not have to.

Sounds to me like you're insecure and jealous that your dad has an emotional bond with someone else very close to him.
You don't like it that YOU are not the centre of attention. By making this all about you and breaking a routine, you bring the attention back to yourself.

You're trying to use the past to justify your position - immature and ignorant.
Have you even bothered asking your dad about what happened in the past?
For all you know your dad could have been secretly in communication with his brother - obviously knew how to contact him.

Nope, I really do not like being the centre of attention.
Nothing really happened. His brother was in trouble a lot, he left with a woman he met, they were never close, they didn't keep in touch. The brother kept in touch with one of their sisters.

About my mum poisoning me against my dad's family - She did not.
I was never close to his family. He has one sister who is nice, the rest are/were nasty, stuck up or just absent. I witnessed his mum being awful to my mum on a number of occasions, she did some nasty things to me too, we just saw his family less and less as I grew up.

Of course you should go. He's only visiting. It's not like he's a permanent fixture and it's not alot to ask. I've got various extended family that I'm not too keen on but I still attend family events, breastfeeding or not, I think it would be churlish not to.

To suggest that someone is insecure and jealous on the basis of a couple of messages is a bit of a stretch and not exactly a message which is going to be helpful to the OP.

It may be intuition, it may be post natal something, it may be just a funny week. Don't go if you don't want to and don't let anyone make you feel bad for it.

I met him once at the funeral, and once when he came over for dinner after he extended his stay after the funeral.