Not to go to my parents' because dad's 'brother' is coming

[sintnabo]

I tried to keep this short but I have a tendency to waffle –

My dad has a brother who emigrated 30 years ago when I was a baby, they did not keep in touch and I had never met/known him or had a desire to do so.
He came back for a visit last year to go to his mother’s funeral (strange as he never came back to visit her or kept in contact with her while she was alive) and now my dad and his brother have rekindled their relationship, and his brother has come back again to visit.

I do not like this man, I have no strong reasons for that, but I don’t enjoy being around him and I have no desire to form a relationship with him, as far as I am concerned he is just a friend of my dad’s – I’m happy for my dad but this man is no one to me.

My children and I eat with my parents most Fridays. His brother has invited himself over for dinner and Friday in the earliest they can do it.

Would I be unreasonable to say we won’t be going this Friday?

If my dad was inviting a random friend around for dinner there is no way in hell I would go. And that’s basically all he is. I have some kind of social anxiety, nothing major, but most social events stress me out to some degree.

I’ll add that I have a month old baby and currently spend a lot of my time sitting with my boobs out while the baby feeds/sleeps on me- something which I feel comfortable doing in front of my parents but won’t in front of this guy. We usually spend several hours there on Fridays, longer the past few weeks as it’s the school holidays. So I'd be pacing trying to settle the baby in other ways, or we'd just spend as little time as possible there which would upset the kids.

I cannot relax in front of most people. I can’t sit on the couch with my baby and chat to my mum for hours as we usually would. It’ll be awkward, uncomfortable, and terribly boring.

I know it’s my dad’s brother and they have this new found relationship and the brother would like to spend time with his ‘family’ but why should I suddenly have to play happy families and pretend we are family when we are really, really not, just because HE has decided to return after all this time?
Hell if he invited one of his sisters around for dinner there’s no way I’d have any problems with saying we’re not coming as it’s well known that they are not nice (except one) and I wouldn’t be expected to come, even though I’ve seen them a handful of times in my life.

Would it be really bad to just say we’ll sit this one out?

Really it’s only my dad’s feelings I need to think about, and possibly my mum’s as she doesn’t like him either but my dad knows we don’t like him.. and I can't see why he'd be offended. We see him lots. Maybe he wants to show off the grandkids and I shouldn’t deny him that, but they met him once last year and… I’m going around in circles and I didn’t manage to keep this short after all.

If my dad was inviting a random friend around for dinner there is no way in hell I would go.

Why not? Im always happy to meet my everybody else's friends.

I think YABU. Meet the man, keep an open mind. Goon on your father that they managed to reconnect.

And now suddenly I'm supposed to act like I have an uncle?

I don't think anyone's expecting that - they're just expecting you to go, make small talk and be polite for your dad's sake. Lots of siblings lose touch and reconnect years later - I think it's nice that your dad has a relationship with his brother again, and it would be nice for you to support that relationship. You don't see him often, it's a one-off so I think it would mean a lot to your dad if you came and made the effort.

It's hard, if you feel very uncomfortable feeding your baby etc. and unable to relax the children will pick up on that and will behave worse, making you more stressed.

I have met people and something about them is off to me, 9/10 it turns out they are abusers in some form (domestic, sexual, peado whatever). Sometimes your gut just tells you. Obviously this might not be the case here.

And before people call me out, one of the gym instructors I had when I was younger always creeped me out and I refused to work with him, 4 years later he was convicted of sexual assault of a child and indecent images all of children he taught at the gym club. Sometimes we can just pick up on those things.

Part of your feeling could well be your anxiety to, just keep your self and children sane and let them spend time catching up reminiscing etc. things might get easier the more your DF & DM talk about your uncle.

But he is your uncle isn't he?

I'd go for a bit and give it another chance and if he's boring or you need to feed the baby, go in another room and/or leave early. Chances are this kind of thing may happen again if he's getting close to your dad again. You don't know the reasons why he left or didn't stay in touch with his mum.

The inverted commas were to try to show that he is less than a brother,

No he isnt.

Love how you drip feed loads of reasons, that make you sound more reasonable.

Thread not going how you wanted?

Given that you have a very new baby you'd get away with making excuse on day not to go and save upsetting your dad. A bad night, windy baby etc. just say you can't face it.

Then when you've got a chance try snd thinking why you're so resistant to forming a relationship with your uncle.

There may be some back story about why he didn't keep in touch. Equally what effort did your Dad make. If they're trying to reconnect now then good for them.

Of course it will take time for you to bond with uoir uncle - are you open
to that?

"then me and my mum might as well just spend the evening here instead - we'd both prefer that!"

Why would your Mum prefer that??

I think your dad would be upset. And you do have an uncle, you may have an extremely strong dislike of him (which so far doesn't sound warranted) but he is your uncle even if you don't like him.

Saying this gently, OP, but is your nose a touch out of joint?

Have your parents been doting on you a little, with you being pregnant and now having a new baby, and you're a bit worried that this new person might take the shine off you and your baby?

You don't have to like the guy (he's a stranger to you, after all), but you can go and show off the grandchildren for your parents - who are undoubtedly proud of them and want your uncle to appreciate them in all their glory!

YANBU I understand where you're coming from with a similar situation with my family. I couldn't care less for my fathers brothers, I dislike them intensely and their 'happy family' bullshit isn't anything I want to be a part of.

Why are you making this all about you? Consider your dad and show some basic manners. Turn up as usual, leave the room to nurse or leave early but be nice to your uncle. Anything less reflects badly on you and will embarrass your father.

I think you need to address your issues and I hope that people aren't too hard on you in their replies on this thread. I say this because If my dad was inviting a random friend around for dinner there is no way in hell I would go is not really normal and the fact that the man in question is not a random friend but your dads brother just makes it even less so.

ChardonnaysPrettySister

If my dad was inviting a random friend around for dinner there is no way in hell I would go.

Why not? Im always happy to meet my everybody else's friends.

Because I feel uncomfortable around people I don't know very well and don't particularly enjoy social events.
I have a small family and a small group of close friends and have no real desire to meet new people, I know I'm weird! Ocasionally I might meet an interesting person but most I have little interest in getting to know someone in these circumstances.

I'm not as bad as I once was and will socialise for the sake of my children and it's more a case of feeling slightly awkward that terribly anxious but it'd still be an unpleasant evening for me at least, but I know it's not all about me!

But thanks for the replies, thought more might be understanding but now I know I'm BU.... I guess I'll go but only stay for a short while.

Going against the grain here, but you do have reasons not to want to go. He may be your uncle, but he is also a stranger; and since I would not feel comfortable breast-feeding in these circumstances (and I don't have anxiety) I can see why you would feel very uncomfortable doing so.

The problem as I see it is that you have never formed a relationship with this man, whereas your dad has a relationship with him that overcomes 30 years of non-contact (or contact at the level of Christmas cards?). There is a mismatch between how you perceive your uncle, and how your dad perceives his brother.

Unless your dad is spectacularly lacking in emotional intelligence, he will see this mismatch. His brother is a stranger to his daughter, and I assume your dad is aware of your anxiety.

Talk to your dad. Tell him that right now, while you are breastfeeding on demand, you just don't feel comfortable doing so in front of his brother, and so you will pass on coming over this Friday. He will no doubt point out he will always be a stranger if you don't meet him, but just keep pointing out that right now is not a good time for you to be doing so.

Just rereading your OP, I noticed something I hadn't on first reading (sorry!) - "Really it’s only my dad’s feelings I need to think about, and possibly my mum’s as she doesn’t like him either but my dad knows we don’t like him.. and I can't see why he'd be offended." Why soesn't your mum like him?

YABU

You are trying to ruin your dads happiness. Your post makes you sound spoilt & jealous. All the HE and 'family and your surprise he woukd go to his mother's funeral

I would have thought your dad would want to show you and your children off to his brother

I don't get the big deal. So you miss one of your weekly visits to your parents. So what?

They will all cope I am sure.

Don't go. The man is boring and drone on about himself. You need to breastfeed.

Apologise to your dad, lie if you need to or just say sorry you need to give this week a miss and you really look forward to seeing them both next week.

The world will keep turning .

If you don't want to go then don't go. However, you do sound very resentful...as though your dad's brother is getting in the way...and that's a bit sad. Your parents see you all the time. They see your dad's brother once a year. No-one is asking you to play happy families, just to join in on a civilised meal. You never know, you might find out that your dad's brother is a nice guy afterall.

Get the treatment you need for your social anxiety too because this is a small thing to be so stressed about and things like this tend to mushroom.

I sort of understand where you are coming from actually, OP. In the past few years, I've had unexpected relatives sprung on me twice and it is disconcerting.
The first was a "new" cousin of MrZippy's (his uncle had a fling abroad, during WW2). This cousin approached us very gently and she and her daughter, SIL etc turned out to be some of the most lovely people I've ever met. I like them enormously and I was glad to be able to give the keepsake I found which belonged to MrZ's uncle, as well as some family photos.
Then there was my "new" older brother. I've only spoken to him on the phone and on the internet, but something about him is just "off". Partly it's that he wants me to slip into the role of his younger sister and that seems wrong to me because we have no history together, but it's also because I just don't like him. Every conversation is about him (and how he has done everything better/faster/cheaper/before it was fashionable) and he is exactly the sort of person I'd normally avoid.
I am a very poor judge of character generally, but I have learnt to pay attention to that initial "creepy" feeling, because I have always been sorry when I haven't. It's perfectly possible to avoid meeting someone without causing offence (children all have nasty vomiting bug, car broken down, there are loads of excuses). You don't need to come out and say that you think your uncle is creepy!

No she isn't she is just not bothered about him, which she is more than entitled to be, being that he hasn't given a shiny shit about anyone the whole other life.

Stay at home OP, and invite your mum over to give your dad time to catch up with him.

Good compromise OP.

I think, if what you've written is an accurate summary, that your emotional reaction is very disproportionate. Go, make small talk, smile nicely.

Ha I get not liking uncles and aunts - my parents both had difficult relationships with their siblings. I never met one of dads brother's.

But, my dad died 25 years ago so on the handful of family occasions when we got to play happy families - I went along with it mainly funerals and weddings and a few duty visits with mum to her sisters. There are huge reasons why mums family were dysfunctional but I went along when she wanted/ needed me too. Only 2 of her 4 siblings remain. Only one of dads family are still alive now. It did me no harm to go and see them/ talk to them while they still lived, and I don't regret doing it.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I don't think 'blood is thicker than water' or any of that shite.

This man is a stranger. He took ZERO interest in knowing you as a child. He doesn't deserve the title of 'uncle' even if that is technically his relationship.

I wouldn't go and hang out with a strange man when I had a one month old baby and the need to whack my boobs out all night. No way. And I'd be LESS inclined to do that if that random stranger had hurt people that were my family and whom I loved dearly.

I can totally see why your dad is grateful for the relationship he's now having with his brother as the separation must have made him very sad. Here's my suggestion - this is a visit from Australia so I'm guessing that quite soon he will have buggered off again and will be gone for a good long time. I suggest that instead of going round on Friday night you say that baby has been unsettled and that you're only going to pop in for an hour. Go in, see him, be polite like you would be to any of your dad's friends and give your dad the opportunity to show off the grandchildren and - to be frank - to make sure those boxes are ticked for your dad as neither he nor his brother are getting any younger. Then go home before baby needs to feed and consider your duty (to your dad, you owe the other guy nothing) done. It will probably please your dad, won't hurt you and will just cover the bases.