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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to go to my parents' because dad's 'brother' is coming

103 replies

sintnabo · 29/08/2017 18:12

I tried to keep this short but I have a tendency to waffle –

My dad has a brother who emigrated 30 years ago when I was a baby, they did not keep in touch and I had never met/known him or had a desire to do so.
He came back for a visit last year to go to his mother’s funeral (strange as he never came back to visit her or kept in contact with her while she was alive) and now my dad and his brother have rekindled their relationship, and his brother has come back again to visit.

I do not like this man, I have no strong reasons for that, but I don’t enjoy being around him and I have no desire to form a relationship with him, as far as I am concerned he is just a friend of my dad’s – I’m happy for my dad but this man is no one to me.

My children and I eat with my parents most Fridays. His brother has invited himself over for dinner and Friday in the earliest they can do it.

Would I be unreasonable to say we won’t be going this Friday?

If my dad was inviting a random friend around for dinner there is no way in hell I would go. And that’s basically all he is. I have some kind of social anxiety, nothing major, but most social events stress me out to some degree.

I’ll add that I have a month old baby and currently spend a lot of my time sitting with my boobs out while the baby feeds/sleeps on me- something which I feel comfortable doing in front of my parents but won’t in front of this guy. We usually spend several hours there on Fridays, longer the past few weeks as it’s the school holidays. So I'd be pacing trying to settle the baby in other ways, or we'd just spend as little time as possible there which would upset the kids.

I cannot relax in front of most people. I can’t sit on the couch with my baby and chat to my mum for hours as we usually would. It’ll be awkward, uncomfortable, and terribly boring.

I know it’s my dad’s brother and they have this new found relationship and the brother would like to spend time with his ‘family’ but why should I suddenly have to play happy families and pretend we are family when we are really, really not, just because HE has decided to return after all this time?
Hell if he invited one of his sisters around for dinner there’s no way I’d have any problems with saying we’re not coming as it’s well known that they are not nice (except one) and I wouldn’t be expected to come, even though I’ve seen them a handful of times in my life.

Would it be really bad to just say we’ll sit this one out?

Really it’s only my dad’s feelings I need to think about, and possibly my mum’s as she doesn’t like him either but my dad knows we don’t like him.. and I can't see why he'd be offended. We see him lots. Maybe he wants to show off the grandkids and I shouldn’t deny him that, but they met him once last year and… I’m going around in circles and I didn’t manage to keep this short after all.

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 29/08/2017 19:42

Well, if I were you, I'd stop at home, why put yourself through it. Let your DF catch up with his brother, invite your DM over to yours, for a change.

Ttbb · 29/08/2017 19:51

The man walked out for 30 years, family doesn't do that. It's really nice that they are trying to become family again but he is not family currently and you don't have to treat him as if he is.

DillyDilly · 29/08/2017 19:52

I think you should skip the evening and spare your Uncle your presence - you come across as a petulant and boring person.

SparklyUnicornPoo · 29/08/2017 19:54

I can kind of see where you are coming from, a few of my dad's siblings have emigrated to various countries (hes one of 12) and I get Aunts and Uncles, cousins etc pop up occasionally. Some of them are great, some are really annoying and some are just a bit dull. But I know it means a lot to my Dad to be able to show his children and grandchildren off so I make myself go, because although he'd never say I had to go or try to guilt trip me in anyway, my brother always makes an excuse and Dad does the whole cheery not to worry thing and pretends not to mind but I caught him in the garden having a little secret cry about it once so it clearly does matter to him.

I'm sure your parents will be happy for you to use another room to feed baby, that also gives you an out if you need 5 minutes peace, it's one evening of your life, no one is asking you to suddenly make your uncle a huge part of your life.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/08/2017 20:00

I think if possible a bit of compromise may be in order.

I agree that you shouldn't have to spend an entire evening with someone you don't feel comfortable with for whatever reason, not even for your dad. And I wouldn't feel comfortable BFing in front of a virtual stranger, nor comfortable shutting myself away in a room leaving my other children out in the front room or shut away with me. Your baby is only a month old, you're still establishing your BFing pattern and comfort zone.

So, can you use this as an excuse to either avoid completely or time things so that you BF before you get to your parents then leave a bit before the baby would want her next feed? That would put you at your parents for maybe 90 minutes or so, enough time for a cuppa and a slice.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 29/08/2017 20:35

I'm shocked at the responses suggesting it's horrific to have to spend time with strangers - if nobody did this, we would have no friends ever! How the heck do we meet new people otherwise?

Beadieeye · 29/08/2017 20:48

He's a guest of your parents', not an intruder :/
Just suck it up and if it goes horrifically, then you have reason not to go again.
I understand you're breastfeeding so are not comfortable around other people atm, but you make it sound like that's just an added worry rather than the main one. I don't see the big deal, maybe if you go along and don't turn it into a huge headache for your dad, you might feel the same and wonder why you were ever reluctant.

Weebo · 29/08/2017 20:49

I'm awkward as arse and would probably dread going as well OP.

It sounds like it would make your dad happy for you guys to come so he can off his lovely family.

In your shoes, I would call around for an hour and say hello. You don't need to look far for an excuse to skedaddle quickly as you have a newborn. :o

Gemini69 · 29/08/2017 20:55

Yep, you worded it so much better, thanks.
I know he's technically my uncle, but it just feels like because of this we're supposed to pretend to have a relationship, whereas if it was just a random guy, I wouldn't be expected to socialise with him.

Then Yes OP... I absolutely understand where you are coming from...
to all intents and purposes this Uncle.. is a complete Stranger..
Blush

These things take time.. they do not happen overnight.. take everything at your own pace .. try not to let anyone rush you OP Flowers

NotIdiotProof · 29/08/2017 20:57

Yabu and weird. And this is coming from a pretty extreme introvert.

OrangeJulius · 29/08/2017 20:58

I don't think YABU, if you don't want to go I think it's not a big deal. However, I'm not sure why you posted on AIBU, because really you say the only important opinion is your dad's. Find out if he wants you to be there, and then you can decide if you want to go to make him happy.

Weebo · 29/08/2017 20:59

Also, you don't sound boring to me. Some people are introverted, shy and can find certain people challenging.

Petulance would be demanding they disinvite the guy. She has simply said she is uncomfortable here and is asking what she should do.

Benedikte2 · 29/08/2017 21:11

OP go with your instinct and put off Friday's dinner. Your need to feed your wee baby is enough reason surely your DF will understand that? If you find him " creepy" then that's a reason not to have your children spend time with him. No-one who has not met this gentleman can say your feelings are unreasonable. According to my DNA test I have a genetic relationship with several thousand random bod around the world and the known number grows weekly, but it would be absurd to suggest I ought to foster a personal relationship with them on account of DNA only.
Enjoy time with your DM while DF and his brother are away.
Good luck

Nuttynoo · 29/08/2017 21:15

You sound petty and weird and like a mouthpiece for someone else (your mum perhaps?). It's all the weirder for you never having met him. You're a grown adult, grow a vagina and go meet your uncle. Stop using social anxiety/being an introvert as an excuse.

PidgeonSpray · 29/08/2017 22:27

Maybe your "uncle" stayed away because your grandma wasn't a nice person? (by the sounds of it)

I would go along to the meal for your dad's sake. It will be embarrassing for him if his kids CBA to go and meet his long lost brother.

I'm sure you'll find a private room to feed the baby if you feel uncomfortable in front of strangers

BananaInPyjama · 30/08/2017 05:13

sometimes the death of a relative puts relationships into perspective. We have had a few losses in our family in the last few years and some people have decided life is too short to bother with uncle whoever and others have realised life is way too short to let a bit of bad blood continue to wreck relationships.

Perhaps when your uncle lost his mother , it was a huge jolt and he realises his brother (your dad) is more precious than he ever considered.
Maybe that's why he wants to 'play at being a brother'...because he realises he has wasted far too much time?

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 30/08/2017 05:27

I am hearing a screeching, clanging PND alarm right now.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 30/08/2017 09:01

You've got your reasons for not wanting to go. You probably do need to work on your social anxiety, but that's another issue. As a compromise, how about letting your parents know in the morning you'll just 'pop in to say hello', but won't stay long as 'you've been up all night with the baby'. That way you don't upset your Dad by seeming to avoid his brother as you are setting up an expectation of a flying visit, will keep your Mum company for part of the evening (as she doesn't like him either) and you can make a quick get away with no drama. No one's upset, no one's offended and you just make a brief appearance to be polite. Ok, you have to put yourself out for say an hour, but you can manage that for your Dad's sake surely?

JayneAusten · 30/08/2017 11:24

I am hearing a screeching, clanging PND alarm right now.

Diagnosing mental health conditions in strangers on the internet based on very small amounts of information makes you look like an arrogant, ignorant idiot.

supermoon100 · 30/08/2017 11:41

Jayne isn't that what mumsnet is for?! That and name calling!

Op, if the brother had a heart attack on the plane on the way home and died, are you sure you wouldn't feel any remorse for your actions?

propertingz · 30/08/2017 13:10

@supermoon100 I don't think emotional blackmail with a fictional heart attack is going to make OP care about someone she barely knows.

If one of my uncles with whom I had zero relationship and disliked, had a heart attack I wouldn't care at all, apart from about the impact on my parent.

frenchcheeses · 30/08/2017 13:40

OP I think you sound very self-centred and perhaps even loopy. It's not all about you.

EC22 · 30/08/2017 13:45

You're being weird and rude. It's one evening ffs.

2rebecca · 30/08/2017 14:36

If you don't want to go don't go. Yes your dad might be a bit upset but you can use the breast feeding as an excuse. This is why i think getting in to routine visiting patterns with people can be a problem as then not going can look odd. If your mum isn't keen on him either she may appreciate your company.
I don't think it's rude not going. Rude would be saying you'd go and then not going. You don't have to socialise with relatives if you don't want to.
Deciding not to attend something because you find out someone you don't like is going is fairly normal.

Gemini69 · 30/08/2017 15:15

the comments attacking and questioning the mental health of the OP for not wanting to spend time with an Uncle she has only just met are inappropriate..