AIBU - to feel unsupported in my feminist beliefs in the playground

[Goldiloz]

I feel like this is the straw that broke the camels back.
I don't understand why mothers aren't supporting women's rights at primary school. Surely most sane people think that girls should be given the same opportunities as boys. We shouldn't pigeon hole 50% of the population just because they will grow up to have boobs and maybe pop out a kid or two. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle listening to some of the other mums in the playground.
It ranges from presents at birthday parties. The 'norm' seems to be buying girls creative/pink stuff unless they are a 'Tom boy' when they can get 'boy' stuff instead. And boys are only given sports and superhero stuff.
And party bags! Separate ones for boys and girls????
I just don't understand why women fail to see the issue with this and continue to justify it with generalised comments about 'most boys' and 'most girls'.
AIBU to expect more from modern women?

How can so many people be missing the point here??

Conveniently colour coded so all the toy kitchens are in the pink aisle and all the toy garages are in the blue aisle?

Hopefully we are (most of us) more aware, and thus doing a better job at dispelling such nonsense.
I know plenty of girls who play football. For local teams. And I don't care if they like pink or don't!!

OP - you need to make a strong case for your beliefs. If not, it will seem like shrill harping

I always peruse down both/all isles anyway. I don't really care what the label says.

After watching the recent programme about this on bbc2 recently I do find it a bit depressing, particularly as my DC go to what would be described as a liberal minded school with quite a few parents that work in creative industries. My DD who is only 6 comes out with some shocking ideas of what is girly play from her fellow girl peers and she's been told by quite a few boys that she is not clever or they're arrogant enough to deem their opinion of her work worthy of comment if they're her learning partner. She on the other hand, believes she is academically weak, she believes these boy's comments and the school don't appear to do much to dispel this idea. There is obsession amongst the girls with hand stands, cart wheels, dance routines and if you can't do these particularly well you're mocked - I tell my DD to join in fun stuff like tag and she tells me things like, ' can't it's boysey'. I mean since when is tag gendered. Recently, we've looked in to her playing a guitar and she wanted a girly one.

When you go into a toy shop, what do you do?
Personally I let my children lead. They run to the aisle they want to look at and I follow. If DS ran into the dolly aisle or the monster truck aisle, I wouldn't be remotely bothered.

My kids grew up wearing all sorts of colours, and playing with animal toys as that was our 'theme'.
We didn't find out sex at 20 weeks, I found out when they popped out! They had green bedrooms with animal wall stickers. The jumparoo, swing chair, cuddly toys etc were animal themed. They both had the same cosy cooper, the same push along motorbike, the same trike. My son naturally enjoys sports and DD enjoys colouring in.... the way I see it, I have an artistic child and a sporty child...

Would I be offended if someone bought my daughter a doll even though she never played with one? Nah. I've been bought some god awful gifts before and I've never decided that someone must be prejudice against me or trying to hold me back.... it's a gift!!

How can so many people be missing the point here??

It's a badly made point - I totally agree with the toy thing (although like a pp has said quite a few people are aware of it) but why turn it into a mum issue and why only school mums at the school gate? Grow up, sprout boobs and pop out children? Perhaps we need to reconsider the language we use around these topics?

I think the plastic is a waaaayyyy bigger problem, OP. The planet cannot sustain the amount of plastic we are producing. I don't care if it's pink but my heart sinks when it is a plastic toy that will likely break by the time we are home.

I just do a latex balloon (compostable) on string (compostable) with a piece of cake wrapped in compostable grease proof paper tied with the aforementioned string.

Me: One time DS accidentally got something from the girl's lucky dip at the school fete. Boy was he annoyed about it.

Amdrambamcamdam: Did you tell him to stop being such an entitled brat?

No, because my children are entitled to like what they like. I feel very strongly about that. I was bullied as a kid & felt deeply insecure that anything I liked couldn't possibly be "cool" enough. It was amazing when I realised as an adult that people are allowed to like what they like. They don't have to justify their preferences to anyone. I've been known to harangue DC if they try to tease each other about anything someone likes. Being bullied sucks because it destroys your self-confidence in everything & every choice you make (the bullying tone of this thread sucks, too).

I just realised I'm astounded that people talk so much about toy aisles in shops. I rarely go to toys shops or take my children there. Little kids in toy shops tantrum that they can't have everything. Middle-school kids take forever to make a decision. Older kids don't find value for money. At no age do they have enough money to spend loads there, but there is much better value for money online. I try to raise DC to be thoughtful & plan what they spend their money on, not to idly browse without focus.

"why turn it into a mum issue and why only school mums at the school gate?"
Is that really the most important point here?

Apart from anything else, it is overwhelmingly women who care for small children, pick them up from school, organise their parties, make the party bags, buy their toys.....

Unless it's different in the feminist utopias in which many of you seem to be living?

The most depressing thing about this thread is the Superior attitude of some of the so-called "feminists" posting. I can't understand how someone can belittle someone's intelligence because they hold a different opinion to them.

Feminism doesn't need to be sexist.

Just relax, you're a long time dead.

I don't have super strong opinions either way, but I just wanted to say if it hasn't been said already, the thing FemMom posted with the punch a nazi picture, is an alt-right hoax trying to get antifa to look bad (I mean, I don't think they really need help to look bad) www.bbc.com/news/blogs-trending-41036631

Haven't RTwholeFT but why is it just the playground mums you are cross with - don't the dads have any responsibility for the way their children are brought up?

If you are just making the assumption that it's the mums job to do the school run (maybe because dad is off doing some important job) you are perpetuating the stereotypes - and pigeonholing 50% of the population

I never do the school run - because I am at work, DH does it every day, because he works PT to fit in around the kids. Therefore he knows the other kids better than me, and will buy party presents when DS's are invited to parties!

The thing is, I would not force my child to like a certain toy because of my feelings, to buy them what they like. I was born in the late 70's and grew up in the 80's, my parents must have been quite radical. I hated girls things, wanted my hair cut short like the boys, preferred those military type shirts to girls dresses and dressed like a boy (my parents supported), I loved the boys toys, and had a few girls bits that were bought for me. The thing is, I felt like a girl, but liked those things. My parents eye rolled and just bought what made me happy. That is the key.

I know that they would have loved me to be a girly girl, and moaned that I was like a boy, all messy and untidy, but nevertheless, they let me have the things I liked.

Back in the 1980s, girls things were not really pink, they were quite bold colours, of that era, and I don't remember girls clothes being very pink, browns, greens, yellow, blue, not really pink.

My son who is 5, wanted a dolly and a pram, so I got him it, I never conditioned for him to like them, he just asked me for one. In the same way, my 10 year old dd, loves blue, and likes boys things. I get her boys shorts, as I hate the shortie short girls ones, the boys shorts look more comfy.

Because I have a boy and a girl in the house, we have a big mix of toys that they play with.

Please can posters read all my comments before criticising the use of playground mums. I have said three times now that it was a selection of mums in my experience that I was originally talking about.
Everyone has a responsibility to society. Dads and mums alike. So before you criticise me for being a sexist feminist read the actual posts.

Oh god. Your that mum

Wow, this thread is a shocker.
I actually think the OP's example of gendered party bags is a good one not a small inconsequential one. It is the small, seemingly inconsequential things that contribute to the broader issues such as the gender pay gap.
They are the implicit messages that model behaviour and reinforce societal expectations, of course they are important.
To say children are naturally gendered towards certain toys/ behaviour displays a lack of critical thinking on this issue.

Oh, me Feminazi? Do fuck off

And not me

I just want to add my voice to the minority here and say, OP, YANBU.

Yes, as others have said, it is depressing so many people unthinkingly collude in their children's oppression by stereotype. I suppose for some, it's simply that they're cognitively challenged themselves; but for many, it must be just pure ignorance rather than lack of understanding. (Read Cordelia Fine, yes, as others have suggested, if you do sometimes read books and still believe in 'pink'.)

I do have a smidgen of optimism to offer. We (self and partner - yes, get fathers involved too) battled consciously against such stereotyping when our children were growing, many years ago; it seems to have worked. Yes, sadly, the stereotypes appear even more entrenched than they were forty years ago; but it does still seem you can beat them in individual instances - our dgc seem to be surviving well as non-stereotypical individuals, not least because of their mothers' status as women whose roles themselves deny sex stereotypes for adults.

I don't deny the importance of class action, but, meanwhile, difficult though it be while we await the success of reason and good sense, ' Il faut cultiver notre jardin '; we can make a difference as individuals, if only for those we love most. (And, perhaps, just possibly, as exemplars for one or two others; our children, I'm proud to claim, quite obviously lead successful, fulfilled lives as non-sex-stereotypical people, so their example may engage even with the ignorant and hard-of-thinking mothers and fathers at the school gate and elsewhere. Room for hope, anyway!)

Colour coding toys is important though, it's an insidious creep of gender stereotyping that really pisses me off. Yes, young children who have not been too exposed (yet) to peer pressure and societal norms and expectations will gravitate towards whichever toys they like regardless of colour. But as they get older, around 5 or 6, I guarantee that the vast majority will dismiss a toy if it's the wrong gender colour even if their parents have tried their hardest to insist that it doesn't matter. The Hoovers and kitchens will be pink, and what society says is 'masculine' will be blue. For this reason I am always drawn to toys and clothes that have gender neutral colours - including a hoover that was yellow/ red/ green (for my ds when he was a toddler). However my ds is now almost 7 and already has very entrenched views about what is for 'girls' and what is for 'boys'. This came from his peers and others in society, most definitely not from us. We now face an uphill battle over the coming years to try to undo this learning. The colour of toys is actually a fairly critical example of how this kind of crap is all around us all the time.