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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to feel unsupported in my feminist beliefs in the playground

459 replies

Goldiloz · 28/08/2017 21:46

I feel like this is the straw that broke the camels back.
I don't understand why mothers aren't supporting women's rights at primary school. Surely most sane people think that girls should be given the same opportunities as boys. We shouldn't pigeon hole 50% of the population just because they will grow up to have boobs and maybe pop out a kid or two. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle listening to some of the other mums in the playground.
It ranges from presents at birthday parties. The 'norm' seems to be buying girls creative/pink stuff unless they are a 'Tom boy' when they can get 'boy' stuff instead. And boys are only given sports and superhero stuff.
And party bags! Separate ones for boys and girls????
I just don't understand why women fail to see the issue with this and continue to justify it with generalised comments about 'most boys' and 'most girls'.
AIBU to expect more from modern women?

OP posts:
strawberrisc · 30/08/2017 10:44

What an odd interpretation. I have a lovely circle of female friends but PTA mums are like Mean Girls.

BertrandRussell · 30/08/2017 11:09

So "playground mums" are a different species?

IDoDaChaCha · 30/08/2017 11:17

BertrandRussell ha, completely agree.

Headofthehive55 · 30/08/2017 11:29

bertrand it's how it comes across - it's pressure to like traditionally boys things at the expense of traditionally girls things.

We possibly live out the gender neutral thing.
So I'm quite surprised when I see things like that BBC program. I am astounded that people think girls are not as good at maths?

bambambini · 30/08/2017 11:40

Don't know why girls here are do obsessed with make up. Any time i see a teenage school group from europe - the girls all look so fresh faced and generally make up free!

BertrandRussell · 30/08/2017 12:03

"bertrand it's how it comes across - it's pressure to like traditionally boys things at the expense of traditionally girls things"
Only if people don't read posts properly!

And yes- loads of people- including loads who should know better- think boys are intrinsically better at maths than girls.

JaceLancs · 30/08/2017 12:21

I don't think many people realise how much worse these issues are getting.
I was a child of the 60s and 70s, most of our toys were primary colours eg Lego and sticklebricks. I played with cars and trains and meccano, but also liked my dolls. DB loved dressing up his action man, but also played with my dolls house, which was a nightmare of 70s brown, orange and purple. One of our favourite games was emptying all the furniture into a Tonka truck - pretending they were moving house and then rearranging it.
Bicycles were more generic colours, my first one was red and yellow, then next one was blue.
I had DC in the 90s, slightly more pink and blue but still possible to avoid. My DC loved role play, shops kitchens etc, think little tykes, all in primary colours. DD and DS both liked games consoles and PC games as they got older and were quite arty.
I think it is as much about selling more products as anything else these days, but sad it has had such negative knock on effects.
I watched the programme 'No more boys and girls' and was really saddened by many of their earlier comments

Morphene · 30/08/2017 12:37

bertrand Actually I do think we need to force girls to play with cars no and then....just so they have the chance to discover if they enjoy it or not. I mean you can't develop an interest in something you are never exposed to.

Threenme · 30/08/2017 13:44

Morphene my kids have had access to 'boys' and 'girl' toys from birth. We haven't influenced them, they've still gone down what you'd call the sterotypical route some kids just do.

Headofthehive55 · 30/08/2017 14:02

IT wasn't just the posts I was referring to. bert just generally.
Really? Loads of people think boys are better at maths? That's what I was surprised at. I'm surprised that thought is prevalent now in 2017. It seems more so!

I think it's how you present it or think about it. My DS doesn't like writing much. I don't see that as a boy attribute, he just can't be bothered.

I wonder if it's because people have smaller families so attribute differences to sex rather than personality.

If anyone else tells me "I have one of each" I shall scream. You don't. You have lots of genes and can't possibly have all the combinations.

Arealhumanbeing · 30/08/2017 14:05

Yeah, its like I said. Much more complicated than encouraging them to play with a range of toys.

The most recent documentary was really good (no more boys and girls?) and Micheal Mosley did an interesting one too. It showed in detail how even small babies receive largely unconscious signals from the adults around them, even the difference in how brand new baby boys are handled in comparison to girls.

There's a lot of information out there if you want to see it. If you really want to understand this incredibly important issue, you can.

In my work I already see the next generation of women. Talked over in meetings, don't want to speak in public, making themselves small, dying to blend in to the background.

Headofthehive55 · 30/08/2017 14:05

morohene I agree with the sentiment if showing or exposing people to different toys.

WorkingBling · 30/08/2017 14:09

even the difference in how brand new baby boys are handled in comparison to girls.
This. Very interesting and true. Dh commented to me once, after DD started crawling and generally being more active, that at first, he found himself resisting playing the kind of rough and tumble games at the same level of intensity with her he used to play with DS. Once he realised, he stopped being hesitant and just went for it. But I thought it was interesting that he had somehow internalised the thought that she was more fragile.

[Of course, watching them now you'd have no idea he ever held back. The rugby tackling and leaping around is as hardcore as anything he ever did with DS!]

BertrandRussell · 30/08/2017 14:40

When I was young it was perfectly normal, if you rang a hospital to enquire about a friend having a baby to be told it was either a big bouncing boy or a seeet little girl.

BertrandRussell · 30/08/2017 14:41

And there are a lot of gender reveal threads on hereat the moment-with people saying they want to know so they can start shopping......

NotWeavingButDarning · 30/08/2017 14:56

OP YADNBU

Aeroflotgirl · 30/08/2017 15:00

I cannot stand the gender reveal thing, ughgh. You have every right to know the sex of your baby, but to have a party and a cake about it, no no no.

grannytomine · 30/08/2017 15:12

I wonder if it's because people have smaller families so attribute differences to sex rather than personality. I've wondered about that, I come from a Catholic family and grew up round lots of families with 10 or 12 kids and no one seemed to get quite so fixated on differences. You just got on with it. We were a smaller than average family due to my mother's health and she did spend more time worrying about how we were dressed, toys not so much.

Morphene · 30/08/2017 15:28

yep...simply giving access to different toys isn't enough when your children are also being exposed to billions of quids worth of advertising telling them what girls and boys should be interested in.

It's a parents job to provide the opposite story to the media machine, just as you would provide the opposite message to any 'smoking makes you cool' vibe your kids might pick up at school.

My 6 yo DD has picked up plenty of stereotype crap for me to counter and she doesn't go to school or watch adverts on TV...so god knows how anyone can think their child's choices of interests are their own if they do go to school and watch adverts on TV.

grannytomine · 30/08/2017 15:31

My DD was home educated for 4 years and started school just before her 9th birthday. She found the "rules" really difficult as she had no clue, when we got together with other HE families the boys and girls played the same things. The thing that confused her most was when she was told she couldn't talk to a boy because he was "going out" with another girl. "Going out" didn't actually involve going anywhere so I sympathised with her confusion.

Cagliostro · 30/08/2017 15:36

I always just asked what the kids liked and chose based on that. Parties are much smaller now they're older and close friends only so generally no need to even ask as the kids know what their friends like

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 30/08/2017 15:44

Sorry OP but you don't get to dictate other people's beliefs or values, nor how they manifest

BorisTrumpsHair · 30/08/2017 15:47

YANBU - my interaction with parents via our primary school shows 80-90% of parents are supremely ignorant when it comes to sexism/equality etc.

Its extremely depressing.

BertrandRussell · 30/08/2017 15:49

"Sorry OP but you don't get to dictate other people's beliefs or values, nor how they manifest"

So are there people who actively encourage sexual stereotyping? Who think it's a good idea that girls and boys play with different toys?

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 30/08/2017 16:03

Of course there are Bertrand. And that's their prerogative.