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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed that they can't see we're happy

133 replies

SentientCushion · 28/08/2017 13:13

So I've just come back from a family wedding, it was beautiful and the day was perfect for the couple. It was on a very posh estate as the grooms family is ludicrously wealthy and the brides family is also much much wealthier than us. I am very happy for them, they are nice people and I don't begrudge them anything.

However during the day I started to get really annoyed by the comments from some family members about our life choices, me and dh value quality of life over wealth and have decided that we are happy to live in a cheap part of the country and have jobs that we enjoy and aren't stressful so we can have a pretty low stress existence. We have a small but perfectly average house, and I love it.
I was brought up on a council estate and I never thought in a million years I'd be able to buy my own house, I feel so wealthy because I don't have to stress about bills and I can buy what I like in the supermarket. I am really content and I have no desire to get a better house or car or whatever I'm supposed to want.
I am confident in my life choices and I consider myself incredibly lucky to live the way we do.
But it became very clear that we are considered the 'poor relations', every conversation seemed to be about what everyone's job was, how their businesses were doing, how many employees they had etc.
One of my husbands uncles pointed to a man in the crowd and told him to 'not give up hope' because this man works in the same field as my husband and is now a millionaire.
I can't count the amount of conversations I had when I said what my business was where the person started giving me unsolicited and also wrong advice on how to grow it and make more money.
Whenever I said 'but I'm happy with my life and business' it fell on deaf ears.
It really wound me up and by the end of the night I was starting to feel quite upset because they obviously look down on us and I hadn't even realised! It also came out that they call us Spike and Daisy from the film Notting Hill behind our back as a cute pet name, which they thought we'd think was a compliment!!!

I can normally just brush things like this off but for some reason I came away feeling really bruised.

OP posts:

Helloyouitsme · 28/08/2017 17:10

Are you sure it wasn't just making inane conversation? At weddings when the wine is free flowing, people just look for any point of reference eg in your case your business and sales etc. In that conversation about how beautiful the house was, maybe you bit more than was necessary.

I have a rich uncle who likes a bit of banter at weddings and he likes to wind me up, calling me a champagne socialist and we just laugh it off and he enjoys it even more if I give as good as I get.

ForagingForFaerieGold · 28/08/2017 17:15

A lot of the people at the wedding would have been paying an indecent amount in tax and probably don't like that you are mooching.
LMAO at this! Since when, in this country under the Tories, do the filthy rich pay "an indecent amount in taxes" ?
Or even a decent amount? Please!
Not trying to detail, just couldn't let that one pass. As you were

ForagingForFaerieGold · 28/08/2017 17:16

Derail*

Original poster

SentientCushion · 28/08/2017 17:22

Look I can do banter and I'm pretty good at inane small talk, this wasn't that.

I actually think that they've all been being polite because I was new into the family but now I've been married in they're letting their real feelings come out and I'm a bit thrown as I hadn't realised and thought they'd really liked me.

OP posts:

QueSera · 28/08/2017 18:05

OP i wouldnt give it a second thought. Do you and dh share their world view? No. So it's logical that you'll differ on how best to live your lives. Am i wrong?
My dh and i were pretty unconventional - placed money lower on the priority list - at a few points quit our jobs to go travelling... oh my god the backlash we got! It was unreal!! We always planned well and ensured we had financial buffers /savings, and we always work. Still no idea what everyone's problem was, though we have our theories

Penelopeg · 28/08/2017 20:19

It's interesting OP as people on this thread have demonstrated your point. Many simply cannot believe that you are content with your earnings and lifestyle and will attempt to twist what you are saying into meaning that deep down you are jealous and unhappy. These posters are obviously like your friends and goes to show some people just don't understand a non materialistic mentality.

Notknownatthisaddress · 28/08/2017 21:09

@Penelopeg

This ^ Agree 100%.

I am with @SentientCushion. I have met a number of people over the years, and know someone right now like this, who cannot fathom at ALL why someone would not want a massive 5 bed detached executive home, work all the hours God sends, climb to the top of the ladder at work, have a new car every year, and travel to every corner of the globe,.

If you are someone who rents your home, has an old banger car, is happy to have day trips to Barmouth, and work for minimum pay in an unskilled job, they think you are some kind of failure in life. Even if you are as happy as a pig in shit.

Yet many people I know who live the lifestyle I mentioned are constantly in debt, and stabbing everyone in the back to get to the top of the ladder in their business, and they are permanently stressed.

Some people do equate a big house with success, and cannot BELIEVE people are happy with very little.

I have to say that it's bullshit that 'you are in control of your feelings.' This 'people can only make you feel inferior with your consent' philosophy is utter bollocks. Anyone who says they have never been affected by something someone has said to them at least ONCE in their life, is lying.

And yeah, even if you are not bothered about something, it can still hurt if people make digs.

The people the OP were on about sound like twats.

Nordicwannabe · 28/08/2017 21:59

This comes from being status-blind. I've had it too (based on job titles rather than wealth) and always find it quite strange and a bit disconcerting!

Fwiw, the discussion about how many hours you work - which you found offensive - is exactly the kind of thing I'd say to a friend/relative if I thought they didn't have it quite right. I'm absolutely not materialistic or status driven. I value my friends according to the person they are, not what they have, and I wouldn't in any way be judging or looking down on them. I'm just aware that I see the world a certain way, and that this information might help them. I'd be a pretty poor friend if I just let them get on with something sub-optimal without even mentioning it

So I reckon: don't worry about it, but do think about whether any of the suggestions might actually improve your life. Why not?

Nordicwannabe · 28/08/2017 22:01

always find it quite strange and a bit disconcerting - to discover that someone who I consider an equal doesn't see me the same way.

Original poster

SentientCushion · 28/08/2017 22:14

That's my point though, why do you assume I'm doing something sub optimal just because I work less hours? Why would you assume that the person you are speaking to at a wedding needs unsolicited business
consulting in a field that you have never ever worked in.

I have worked really hard to get the balance right in my business and if I work more hours the quality of what I do actually goes down.

I would never tell someone I'd just met at a party how to run their business or do their job just without any provocation, even if they worked in the same field as me.

I live my life assuming that everyone had it sorted and if people need my advise they'll ask.

OP posts:

Original poster

SentientCushion · 28/08/2017 22:19

Reading it back I realise you said a friend/relative and I maybe haven't really explained who these people are to me. They are not my family or friends who I would be fine getting advise from, as they know my situation and would be coming from an informed place. They are my husbands family who know literally nothing about my business and are just assuming things.

OP posts:

Albinohedgehogs · 28/08/2017 22:21

OP, I am you!!
Just enjoy your simple life and leave them to it they're being awful.
They are uncomfortable with the FACT that happiness is actually a state of mind and they can see how peaceful you are.

clairewilliams999 · 28/08/2017 22:30

If you're secure with your choices and lives why do these comments bother you.

Voyager1 · 28/08/2017 22:30

Totally get you OP. It's so irksome and actually upsetting when other people assume you are not happy when you are. You feel looked down on, and nobody likes that.
I can't offer advice, but I can identify, I feel just the same way as a single woman in her 30s. I am completely happy as a singleton but people won't stop giving me dating tips and 'reassuring' me that 'the one' is round the corner. Most irritating.
YADNBU

Tilapia · 28/08/2017 22:38

I'm with you, OP. I earn less than I could (given my qualifications etc), but I'm happy because I have a good work-life balance, spend lots of time with my kids and don't want anything more than I already have .

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2017 22:42

I think it's faIrly obvious this has upset uou a lot. I don't think it means they don't like you, from what you've posted so far I think that's a bit if s stretch, and I'm surprised you say they aren't your family or friends they are your husbands family, I kinda viewed my husbands family as part of mine on marriage but maybe we all differ.

How does your husband feel? What's he saying about it? It is his family in your own words.

Original poster

SentientCushion · 28/08/2017 22:56

To be 100% truthful I think this might be the crux of the matter. My husband has minimal to do with his extended family because he just doesn't feel their values meld with his.

He's not very sociable and has a form of cutting people off because they don't live up to his very high standards. In contrast I am very sociable and usually can get on with anyone so when I met his family and they were nice to me I just took it at face value.

My husband is being very patient and is just sitting at the side shaking his head and saying he told me so.

OP posts:

Nomorechickens · 28/08/2017 23:06

In my experience a lot of people from a privileged background have little contact with 'ordinary' people and can't really believe that their lives are OK. DD had a privately educated boyfriend once, his friends literally couldn't believe that DD had been to a state school - because she is well presented, confident, well spoken, knowledgeable, cultured (not sure where she gets it from!)

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2017 23:21

Well,I'd say the apple doesn't fall,far from the tree.

Maybe your husband is more extreme than his family in that he cuts people off if they don't meet his standards whereas his family seem more open. But he doesn't share their values and clearly they don't share his.

There is nothing wrong with either set of values. Be it work to,have certain things or work to have only what you need. Simply in this instance neither side understands the other, and maybe your husband goes further as he doesn't accept. I dunno but I think I'd try to put it behind me and accept that the lot of them, your husband included, are tarred with the same brush when it comes to the,way they treat people'.

Original poster

SentientCushion · 28/08/2017 23:44

My husband has never shut off his extended family, he just keeps them at arms length as he's sick of the way they treat him.
When I'm talking about cutting people off I'm more talking about acquaintances he has a 'fool me once' attitude whereas I tend to just make excuses for people.

OP posts:

Beadieeye · 28/08/2017 23:49

Did no one ever tell them it's classless and tacky to talk about money?
It sounds utterly dull and boring. They are clearly lacking in so many things to just be blabbering on about material things constantly. Count your blessings OP and don't give them a second thought. They sound awful

hellokitsy · 28/08/2017 23:52

My uncle is like this. He's made so much money and thinks everyone should want the same things in life.
Unfortunately he's a grumpy old man and his wife is so unhappy in the marriage.
Try to have confidence in the path you've chosen! You sound like you have a lovely life!

swimlyn · 29/08/2017 00:11

I'd be a pretty poor friend if I just let them get on with something sub-optimal without even mentioning it…

IPMSL

Nordicwannabe · 29/08/2017 10:12

Ah op, I think I misunderstood the comment on number of hours. I thought you meant that they were suggesting that you were working too many hours for the return you got.

I had a relative who ran a business, but earned significantly less than NMW because she put so many hours in and didn't count her time as a cost. I think that's normal when you start a business, but you should have a plan for how that will improve long term, and if that's genuinely not possible then you should question the viability of the business.

If they're just commenting that you could do more hours and earn more, that's just rude and none of their business.

NeverTwerkNaked · 29/08/2017 10:34

Sympathies Op. I've mixed with people like that and find them tedious. Like you, I don't place value on wealth / material stuff. And I feel I have succeeded because I have a balance in life that I am happy with.

But some people pin their self-worth on their relative wealth, and cannot comprehend a different world view

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