To be annoyed that they can't see we're happy

[SentientCushion]

So I've just come back from a family wedding, it was beautiful and the day was perfect for the couple. It was on a very posh estate as the grooms family is ludicrously wealthy and the brides family is also much much wealthier than us. I am very happy for them, they are nice people and I don't begrudge them anything.

However during the day I started to get really annoyed by the comments from some family members about our life choices, me and dh value quality of life over wealth and have decided that we are happy to live in a cheap part of the country and have jobs that we enjoy and aren't stressful so we can have a pretty low stress existence. We have a small but perfectly average house, and I love it.
I was brought up on a council estate and I never thought in a million years I'd be able to buy my own house, I feel so wealthy because I don't have to stress about bills and I can buy what I like in the supermarket. I am really content and I have no desire to get a better house or car or whatever I'm supposed to want.
I am confident in my life choices and I consider myself incredibly lucky to live the way we do.
But it became very clear that we are considered the 'poor relations', every conversation seemed to be about what everyone's job was, how their businesses were doing, how many employees they had etc.
One of my husbands uncles pointed to a man in the crowd and told him to 'not give up hope' because this man works in the same field as my husband and is now a millionaire.
I can't count the amount of conversations I had when I said what my business was where the person started giving me unsolicited and also wrong advice on how to grow it and make more money.
Whenever I said 'but I'm happy with my life and business' it fell on deaf ears.
It really wound me up and by the end of the night I was starting to feel quite upset because they obviously look down on us and I hadn't even realised! It also came out that they call us Spike and Daisy from the film Notting Hill behind our back as a cute pet name, which they thought we'd think was a compliment!!!

I can normally just brush things like this off but for some reason I came away feeling really bruised.

Ignore them. Life is too short so carry on enjoying it!

Unfortunately some people have their own very clear ideas of success and happiness - usually linked to wealth - and are baffled when people who don't tick those boxes claim to be happy themselves. It's like they've got blinkers on.

The fact is there may be things that society agrees are measures of 'success' - big house, good job etc - but there are many versions of happiness, and it varies person to person.

OP if you are happy and content with how your life has turned out, that's great! So many people spend their whole lives trying to find that. And I agree with you, true happiness comes from enjoying the simple things, and making the most of the best things in your life.

Try not to let these people bother you, after all you know you're happy and that's all that matters. You should instead pity them for not figuring it out for themselves.

I don't agree that you can only be made to feel bad if there's an element of truth in what's being said, that's just not true. Of course you can feel put out that someone feels sorry for you even if you don't feel sorry for yourself.

original
They didn't have the same start as me by a long stretch. I came from a council estate and had a really rough start in life, they all went to private school, the groom went to Eton and father is a lord.

I also don't agree that they have done 'better' and that's what's grinding on me. They haven't done better they have different values. I don't look down on them for making life choices that don't fit with my values (working as hedgfund managers etc), I just thought we all saw each other as equals.

Imo you choose your feelings. We all do. No one can force you to feel anything.

They do sound grim. They clearly are living a lifestyle where happiness is linked to material success - so bigger car, bigger house, fancier holiday etc.

You are probably quite challenging to them as you threaten their whole system - their lives are materially enjoyable but actually stressful as they have to keep earning the money to get the stuff to keep it going. And yet, here you are with none of the stuff, professing to be perfectly happy!

A truly nice person would be able to have a conversation with you about holidays even if they had gone skiing in Verbier and then to Mustique by private jet, and you had going camping on the Isle of Wight and managed to find shared experiences of holidays. Or asked about children and worries about school, regardless of the fact theirs were at Eton and yours were at the local comp.

I've met lots of people who can do this - the fact your relatives couldn't reflects badly on them, not you.

I don't think they can't see that you're happy. They probably don't give your happiness much thought. They were just trying to make conversation.
I can understand why you're upset at the disconnect between your self-image and their view of you but it sounds as though it's not the first time you've been in their company. Have you worked out why their attitude and conversation upset you this time but didn't bother you previously?

You actually can't choose your feelings otherwise no one would ever have awkward or uncomfortable feelings, I think it's very damaging to try and suppress negative feelings. I agree that we have a choice about how to respond to the feelings but not about whether to have them in the first place.

The OP and her DP have done amazingly well to buy a house and gain a degree of financial security without half killing themselves in the process (as some do with long hours, extreme commutes etc.) I've actually had to move countries to try to achieve what the OP has managed to do in the UK, so kudos to her! Our extended families sound similar: very rigid and judgemental, and threatened by anyone who lives differently. I should add that in my case it's not the whole family who think that way, but the nature of family meetups makes it hard to avoid the troublemakers, and of course it's always the judgemental bastards who make a beeline for me so they can have a go at me for being a single parent or home schooling or whatever it is they disapprove of. Now both of my younger siblings are married off, I'm enjoying the thought of no more family events whatsoever that I'm absolutely obliged to go to. I've blocked all the horrible ones on social media too, just for peace of mind. Obviously YANBU for being annoyed at the putdowns, but since those people aren't likely to change their attitude towards you, you might have to cut them out of your life in future, even if it means missing out on events that would otherwise be fun. Whatever you do, it's true that 'success is the best revenge', and you have achieved a more authentic success than the high stress, high debt version advocated by the consumer clones, so you win!

OP, you'd have to be made of stone not to feel a bit put out at the very least by that level of condescension. I remember many years ago going to a social event for ex-employees of the big professional firm I'd worked at for a few years. It was clearly meant as a networking event and a marketing opportunity for the firm. I had moved into a very different area from most people I knew from there and could provide no useful leads for my old colleagues. A few of them, once they found out what I was doing, couldn't move on fast enough. I was secure enough in myself not to have any doubts about the choices I'd made, as they worked for me. However, it was humiliating to be so obviously slighted in public, and also galling to realise that people I'd liked and thought of as friends had never really had the same regard for me.

Rise above it. You are worth more than them, with their inability to measure worth in another human being except by their bank balance.

I agree with you and was just going to jump in with that: they have not "done better" at all. You aren't aiming for the same thing; their priorities are money and wealth and yours are not. It's annoying that they're trying to "help" and "advise" but you just have to let it go. Materialistic people or people who are used to having pots of money tend not to be able to even conceive of life without. Good for you that you've made a life for yourselves that you're perfectly content with; I imagine very few people can say that and really that's all that matters in life.

PS It's not Daisy in Notting Hill, it's Honey.

I think it upset me this time because it was the first time they were all together in the same place so it felt relentless.
I also felt a bit sad that my fil kept comparing what I had to the house we were in. We had a circular conversation that just got worse the more he drank where he'd say 'oh god wouldn't you give your right arm to live here and not in your house' and I would say 'no I like my house and though this house is lovely I obviously wouldn't give my right arm as I'm not willing to do any of the work that would mean I could have it' And then he'd say 'yeah but I mean look how lovely it is, it's so beautiful, wouldn't you want to live here?' And I'd say 'well actually I really like my house I've done it up just how I like it and it's near all my friends and my work and it's my home' and he'd say 'well yes but it's nothing like this is it? God wouldn't you want to live here?'

Why do the others have to be unhappy, stressed, consumer clones? Why aren't they entitled to choose their lifestyle just as the OP is entitled to choose her's?
It's that competitive -oh they're jealous - oh they're immoral - that helps feed into people being unhappy imo If your happiness relies upon re-framing other's lives so they are morally bankrupt then your happiness is built on a shoddy foundation.

FIL sounds like an obscenely rude cock-juggling thundercunt. Silly little man.

Gwen I've said all the way through I don't think they are unhappy and I don't judge them for their values.

I totally understand where you are coming from OP. The annoying thing is people you thought were your friends are looking down on you and pitying you for no valid reasons. They probably also think you are at that wedding salivating over what they have and being really jealous when truth be told you don't give a shit and are just happy for them. However now you know they don't see you as equals as money trumps everything for them- they see you as "other" and just can't understand your life choices. You feel sad because you now know these people aren't real friends.

A happy person doesn't rip into someone else's choices Gwen. Do OP's family feel 100% secure in their lifestyles I wonder?

That's exactly it penelopeg

I can understand you questioning yourself OP. For me it's a bit like when you see things on social media. Often I really don't want their lives, I'm happy with mine but I end up questioning myself about what I "should" be doing.

Also my DB had a high-powered, well-paid job which he hated and then changed to a more altruistic style thing which he loves but barely pays the mortgage. My parents still don't understand this, even though he did it over 10 years ago. They think he should have stuck it out for 10-15 years to get enough money to shore himself up, despite the fact that if he had done this he probably would have had a breakdown. Also my DF staying in the City for 40+years gave him depression and alcoholism, but it's still the right thing to do

They didn't have the same start as me by a long stretch. I came from a council estate and had a really rough start in life, they all went to private school, the groom went to Eton and father is a lord.
Even more reason for you not to care what they think of you. If they have never experienced your life, any opinion they might have about it is null and void.

I also don't agree that they have done 'better' and that's what's grinding on me. They haven't done better they have different values. I don't look down on them for making life choices that don't fit with my values (working as hedgfund managers etc), I just thought we all saw each other as equals
Rarely do people who come from wealth see those without money as their equals. That's a fact of life and it shouldn't come as any surprise. You say they don't fit with your values, suggesting you think there is something inherently awful about choosing to be a hedge-fund manager, which actually makes it seem like you think you are better than them.

They are from a different world, they don't understand yours, you don't understand theirs. You think they are sitting feeling bad about some woman at the wedding who kept saying she was really happy with her life despite the fact she hadn't as much money as them? I doubt it, because they really are confident that their life choices and where they are.

You are correct, it is damaging to suppress negative feelings. But it is entirely possible to choose whether to have those negative feelings in the first place. In this instance it would be to actually be truly comfortable with your life choices. It sounds like you absolutely should be incredibly proud of yourself for what you have achieved. But having friends who have done the same thing, and knowing them very well, they do have a tiny chip on their shoulder about where they came from and can be quite defensive when challenged.

I know how you feel OP, we have experienced exactly the same.
For us it's also the fact that some other people can't see we are happy the way we are. Or, they think their way is something to aspire to for everyone.
Life work balance and doing something you enjoy is far better than lots of money gained from a stressful job that may see you in your coffin at 60+.
It sounds like you have your life the way you want it, you aren't complacent at your happiness and sound lovely.
Hopefully you won't all be together again for a long time

But I wasn't sitting at a wedding telling people I was happy even though I didn't have as much money as them. If I'd just been sitting there ranting on about how I was happy and didn't need any more money then obviously one would assume I was protesting too much.
What was happening was that people were coming over and within two minutes would ask what I was up to and then start telling me how to make more money before I'd even finished my sentence. Saying there was 'still hope' for us as though we had given up on life.
My values ARE different to theirs but just because I don't choose to live my life that way doesn't mean I automatically think it's wrong, I wouldn't choose to be a hedge fund manager but I don't believe all hedge fund managers are evil nor do I think it defines who someone is.
But I wasn't going around telling people how to work less and chill out more.

Maybe they were actually hinting that you should work harder? I am assuming that you haven't made plans and provision for paying for your healthcare, educating your future children, paying for care when you get old etc? A lot of the people at the wedding would have been paying an indecent amount in tax and probably don't like that you are mooching.

We have a perfectly average income thank you. I don't claim benefits, and pay into a private pension. But thanks for your concern.