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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really annoyed with DD'a friend and her parents

142 replies

neverundersold · 28/08/2017 06:48

DD was a passenger in a RTA this weekend, she sustained a minor head injury and is pretty shocked. The other passengers sustained bruising and shock also. The driver of the car was protected by the airbag and is physically unscathed. Thankfully no other vehicle was involved but the force of the crash has rendered the car a right off. DD has told OH and I that her friend who was driving had been driving recklessly all evening and showing off, at the time of the accident she was whistling out of her window at some boys and lost control of the car.. Since the crash DD has been in pain and remembering more details, she has become increasingly agitated and upset and is now pretty resentful towards her friend who is claiming that she can't remember what happened. The other passengers have also remembered the drivers recklessness and are also becoming resentful. One of the other girls parents has been ringing the drivers parents to discuss the incident and check her DD is ok but they are not taking her calls (driver has said they are deliberately not taking the calls) . DD is now really annoyed and disappointed that her friend is claiming no memory of the accident and feels she should at least admit what she did, added to this the friend posted pictures of herself on social media less than 24 hours later enjoying a night out with some other friends. OH and I are trying to support our child by letting her talk and tending her physical injuries bu every bone in my body wants to go round to drivers house and confront them AIBU ?

OP posts:
QuinionsRainbow · 29/08/2017 18:31

Driver was insured on parents insurance so I'm sure there will be consequences for her and her family.

So, presumably, it was the parents car that was involved/written off.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/08/2017 18:31

caragie she is 17, mabey petrified and nervous, mabey not wanting to offend and upset. You put yourself in a 17 year olds shoes!!!!

AlmostAJillSandwich · 29/08/2017 18:32

Police attended but didnt take breath test of my dad or other driver. When asked the officer said they dont bother when theres no major injuries, tbh i think theyre too overstretched to have resources to take on criminal cases when insurance etc can sort it where nobody is left critical.

HeebieJeebies456 · 29/08/2017 18:35

DD has told OH and I that her friend who was driving had been driving recklessly all evening and showing off

So your dd and the other passengers were happy to condone reckless driving - until they crashed? Hmm
Were they all even wearing their seat belts?

I'd say they got off pretty lightly and were bloody lucky they didn't end up seriously hurt or dead.
I think the passengers should also take responsibility for encouraging and condoning the reckless driving.

Rodhullstvaerial · 29/08/2017 18:39

The Police reaction is really shocking

How many years were you a collision investigator for?

Cubtrouble · 29/08/2017 18:52

Please please sue the girl, I really welcome the raise in my premium each year.

Primaryteach87 · 29/08/2017 18:53

I think you are overreacting a bit. It's probably been a wake up call for the driver (social media really isn't the best indicator of her state of mind). I also seriously doubt your daughter was as innocent as she makes out. Most likely it was silliness all round and thankfully no-one has been seriously hurt. Teen girls have a tendency to find someone to blame in order to create drama......I would calmly talk to my daughter about her options if she feels unsafe in the future and tell she had a luck escape...then move on.

brotherphil · 29/08/2017 18:53

She could have got out. And called you.

From a moving car? She could have asked to get out, but unless the driver lets her, it's not happening.

Demanding to get out is also a very confrontational thing - not good if DD isn't good at confrontation, and also unlikely to get the desired effect.

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/08/2017 18:56

OP

Keep an open mind about claiming soft tissue injuries can tale a couple of days to show and can cause problems in later life.

Whether or not your DD was egging the driver on is for insurance purposes immaterial. The driver is legally responsible for her own actions and some of the actions of those within the car.

Also having a claim made against her may make the driver reconsider how they drive.

And if it means that we have one less dangerous driver on the road the better it will be for all of us.

minoandolphin · 29/08/2017 19:03

What on earth is wrong with people, blaming a passenger for the actions of the driver?

OPs Dd and the other passengers DID tell the driver they weren't happy with her behaviour, and as such she was (as far as they were concerned) taking them home. She was the one who then made the snap decision to go elsewhere.

You cannot MAKE somebody drive safely. Nor can you exit a moving vehicle. As far as I know, if a car is speeding, the person liable is the person driving NOT the person in the passenger seat. There's a reason for that. You can't make a person drive like a twat; if they get into an accident, it's then their fault.

YANBU OP. If you want to go down the legal route you could always ask a solicitor what your chances are. If not, Dd should absolutely cut this very dangerous person out of her life.

Migraleve · 29/08/2017 19:06

She decided to remian in the car. So holds more responsibility than the parents. Hmm the only person responsible here is the DRIVER ffs. Talk about victim blaming Angry

JayneAusten · 29/08/2017 19:09

A claim would help by pushing insurance premiums up for the driver, making it more likely that she would be cautious in the future (or discourage her parents from letting her drive for a while, if they're funding her).

Effic · 29/08/2017 19:13

Although I can completely understand you wanting to confront parents/driver/whoever as your daughter was in a crash and I'm sure the "what ifs" etc are now kicking in and the need to blame is strong.

But please try to have some empathy here. Many, many teenagers make some pretty spectacularly poor decisions at some stage. Mostly, thank goodness, the consequences aren't so dire but surely if this is a long standing friendship rather than attributing blame and ceasing friendships, some empathy is needed here and the 'grown ups' need to support all the girls involved in working out what went wrong and discussing how to ensure if the same suitation occurred again, different decisions would be made. If it is the case that the driver is really so reckless, thoughtless and awful as to have crashed her car, injured her friends and doesn't care - then ok, kill the friendship and that's that but really if that's what she's like then why is this a long standing friendship?
The driver is most likely terrified and it's not unheard of for teenagers when feeling out of there depth and scared to try to brazen it out. Maybe that's what's happening? Maybe she can't /hasn't processed it yet? Give her and her family time.
Teenagers make mistakes and I would like to think that as a group, myself and the other parents and my child's friends would come together and try to support each other if this or something similar ever happened.

happypoobum · 29/08/2017 19:13

I agree with PP - This is not the parents responsibility and if the driver is linked to their insurance/it's their car, their insurance company has likely told them not to talk to anyone in case liability is admitted.

I would simply claim personal injury on their insurance and make sure DD knows to insist she is allowed to exit a car if she ever finds herself with a dangerous driver again.

Alexcor · 29/08/2017 19:14

I would update police on injury. Also visit doctor and take photo of bruises. If you do claim you will need evidence. If you don't claim fair enough but drivers parents can't sweep it under the carpet. At least all alive and walking!

Maireadplastic · 29/08/2017 19:18

Of course you feel protective of your daughter OP.

Everyone will have learnt something from this episode the hard way. That's life.

Maireadplastic · 29/08/2017 19:18

Of course you feel protective of your daughter OP.

Everyone will have learnt something from this episode the hard way. That's life.

HeebieJeebies456 · 29/08/2017 19:25

Victim blaming?!

Expecting people to take some personal responsibility is NOT victim blaming!
OP's DD HAD ALL EVENING to exit the car/call her mum/etc - she chose not to.

Therefore, she IS responsible for condoning reckless driving.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 29/08/2017 19:26

If she was driving badly/erratically 'all evening' why didn't DD and the others get out?

THIS

I wouldn't get in a car with someone I didn't feel secure with.

thewrinklefairy · 29/08/2017 19:37

If she is 17, she is responsible for her actions and the consequences of them - as is her friend. Speaking to the friend's parents belittles those involved - let your daughter decide for herself whether her friend was being reckless or just momentarily stupid (which we are all guilty of if we are honest). 17 year olds are old enough to make their own decisions, mistakes, live alone, get married - and really don't need their parents to speak for them (of course advise them but empower her to deal with her own challenges herself).
Oh and please tell her not to waste really valuable NHS time being assessed just to document it for a claim - doctors are busy enough dealing with serious illness and don't need to pat people with self limiting injury on the head and tell them what they already know - access physio through the insurance if she feels she needs it. No wonder no one can get an appointment with a GP, if this is the attitude of the general public.

Mummaofboys · 29/08/2017 19:43

Can you not just be pleased and blessed that your child is not seriously hurt?

Abbylee · 29/08/2017 20:08

Insurance companies expect to pay out in this instance. Speak to your agent for better guidance. Make very sure that dd goes to Dr to be checked. My dd was in 2 accidents in 2 weeks. Hit by texting drivers while at a full stop. She was concussed both times and sustained vestibular damage (eyes/ears). Even if your dd looks fine, she may not be. Our insurer insisted that we go directly to hospital. Dd is also not the same personality. Irritable, headaches, ptsd if in car. You deserve compensation if nothing else. Do not wait.

Mysteriouscurle · 29/08/2017 20:15

The driver is the one responsible for crashing the car. To suggest otherwise IS victim blaming

Mumma - driver might kill someone next time.

hks · 29/08/2017 20:21

Her parents might be telling her to act as if she remembers nothing about the accident so the Insurance will pay out for the car that was written off

Hope your daughter is ok it may take some time to recover from teh shock of what she witnessed happening and the thought of what could have ...i was a back seat passenger when a car i was traveling to work in skidded on black ice near a lake ...

pam290358 · 29/08/2017 21:12

I think it would be a waste of time to confront the parents or for your daughter to try to talk to her friend. Given that the police and ambulance service have been involved because there were injuries to passengers, the drivers' insurance company will have advised everyone not to comment in any way - they will be anticipating some sort of legal action from the injured parties. I would contact your home insurance to see if you have legal cover or contact a no win no fee lawyer, and sue for the injuries received. I would tend to agree that the driver is unlikely to have been the only one at fault if all were in high spirits and at the very least, blame has to be shared by the passengers if they knew that the driver was not taking her responsibilities seriously enough.

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