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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really annoyed with DD'a friend and her parents

142 replies

neverundersold · 28/08/2017 06:48

DD was a passenger in a RTA this weekend, she sustained a minor head injury and is pretty shocked. The other passengers sustained bruising and shock also. The driver of the car was protected by the airbag and is physically unscathed. Thankfully no other vehicle was involved but the force of the crash has rendered the car a right off. DD has told OH and I that her friend who was driving had been driving recklessly all evening and showing off, at the time of the accident she was whistling out of her window at some boys and lost control of the car.. Since the crash DD has been in pain and remembering more details, she has become increasingly agitated and upset and is now pretty resentful towards her friend who is claiming that she can't remember what happened. The other passengers have also remembered the drivers recklessness and are also becoming resentful. One of the other girls parents has been ringing the drivers parents to discuss the incident and check her DD is ok but they are not taking her calls (driver has said they are deliberately not taking the calls) . DD is now really annoyed and disappointed that her friend is claiming no memory of the accident and feels she should at least admit what she did, added to this the friend posted pictures of herself on social media less than 24 hours later enjoying a night out with some other friends. OH and I are trying to support our child by letting her talk and tending her physical injuries bu every bone in my body wants to go round to drivers house and confront them AIBU ?

OP posts:

OrangeJulius · 28/08/2017 09:11

I can't believe people are assuming your DD was egging your friend on. I once found myself in a car full of teens with a driver who was driving WAY over the speedlimit. We kept telling him to stop speeding, he wouldn't, he was busy showing off. Anyway it ended with one of my friends breaking down into tears and screaming at him to stop the car before he took us seriously. As a teen it can be hard to stand up to your friends that forcefully.

Athrawes · 28/08/2017 09:12

Tell kids that if they actually want to get out, don't just say "stop, I want to get out", say "stop, I think I am going to be sick". Tends to make the driver actually stop.

You will get some money, but of more value to your DD is the lesson learnt.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/08/2017 09:12

You've tried to contact them to no avail. I'd now take your dd to make a new statement about the event and get her injuries checked out. The driver is clearly not taking any responsibility for her actions if she was out having fun within 24 hours of the event. That's disgusting. She could have seriously injured people.

GreenTulips · 28/08/2017 09:13

Also entitled doesnt mean you need to make a claim or should make a claim.

Actually the insurance companies earn millions every year - you are claiming against the company not the friend. You should make a claim.

Unfortunately the youth don't always react like adults, the friend will know her friends survived, she's probably in shock herself and doesn't know what to say or do about it so has gone into hiding.

Keep off social media and thank your lucky stars your daughter is going to be ok.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/08/2017 09:15

As per Orange. I have been in the car with brothers friends showing off. Driving extremely dangerously, carving out a middle lane on a single carriage way and doing well over the 60 limit (same place is now 40 with hatched lines). The other friend drove us round and round a car park doing handbrake turns in a 2cv, vehicles known to flip. I was frightened to death. I didn't go in the car with them again. Both my brother and one of his friends wrote their cars off in the same night drunk driving. I wasn't with them.

I certainly didn't egg any of them on.

Aurao · 28/08/2017 09:16

If the Driver had no injuries then there is no chance she has no memories of what happened, unless she's previously got a traumatic mental health diagnosis or similar.

With regards to suing, honestly if your DD is OK, I wouldn't even think about it - think about how lucky you are that she is OK and don't drag this process on for many months, and years possibly, for all involved. I'm saying this as someone that had a major head injury and is still affected by it years later - money wouldn't have changed anything, but not dealing with the stress of court cases and solicitors has removed one lot of stress immediately.

You also need to agree with your daughter to tell the driver to stop and get out of a car at the next safe place and call you if this ever happens again.

GreenTulips · 28/08/2017 09:21

It won't be a court case - til Ben be form plus medical notes and photos

The police report states they weee in the car as will witness statements

Cherrytart6 · 28/08/2017 09:25

Go report her driving to the police. Tell them she remembers exactly what happened but was stunned when initially asked on scene.

Also get her injuries looked at by the GP

Then go through a solicitor.

The parents clearly have no care for the passengers. Just like the driver. It's important they don't get away with being so reckless and selfish.

For me it would be very different if her parents had been very tentative, bollocked their DD, the girl had apologised and chosen to improve her driving.

talonofthehawks · 28/08/2017 09:25

If your DD was so concerned she should have got out herself or called you for help.

Aurao · 28/08/2017 09:26

There will be a court case if it's dangerous driving.

Gorgosparta · 28/08/2017 09:26

Actually the insurance companies earn millions every year - you are claiming against the company not the friend. You should make a claim.

I didnt say she would be claiming from the friend. Although it will impact the friend.

Bit no one has to make a claim.

The op or her dd is not obliged to. Thats my point. Plenty or posters has said the op needs or should make a claim. The op doesnt need to, or feel she should have to.

Thats her choice.

As an aside, its entirely possible that the ops dd and her friends didnt all lose their memory. Its possible they panicked because tgey were all messing about to kept their gobs shut.

insancerre · 28/08/2017 09:26

How do you know they haven't done any of that cherry tart?

ButtHiccup · 28/08/2017 09:26

My D's although now 21 is a new driver and has more or less been forced by his employer to give a lift to and from work to 2 other young employees and says he finds the chatter of others in the car very distracting.

Cherrytart6 · 28/08/2017 09:27

Yes the driver is 100% responsible. The parents are clearly backing her. Your DD should have got out and needs to learn to assert herself.

Cherrytart6 · 28/08/2017 09:29

Insan how do you know if they have?

Cherrytart6 · 28/08/2017 09:31

Butt. Then the driver needs to ask them to talk very very quietly or get out and use other transport

Aeroflotgirl · 28/08/2017 09:32

My goodness op dd is 17, she might be too afraid to tell her friends she wants to get out, I know at 17/18 I would, I would not want to upset my friends, now at 40, I woukd have no problem being assertive. I remember at 18, being in my ex boyfriends car, with his mate. Him driving recklessly music blearing, feeling too afraid to say anything. One we got to our destination, I refused a lift back with them, and took the bus back.

dumbledore345 · 28/08/2017 09:36

Good that no-one was seriously injured.

Good that your DD has learned a lesson.

Police may take follow up statements.

This is why many countries ban teen drivers from driving other teens until they have been driving for three years.

PaganGoddessBrigid · 28/08/2017 09:36

Tell your daughter that claiming amnaesia is a sure sign that the driver feels ashamed and responsible.

I really wouldn't dream of suing a friend of my daughter's in these circumstances. Your daughter is upset but ok, and you don't know that the driver isn't twenty times more upset. Not taking calls from adults who want to 'grill' her does not mean that she's cavalier about what happened.

If my DD had been the driver I wouldn't allow adults to take a swipe at her after she'd been in an accident. Do you assume the driver learnt nothing and would drive like that in the future?

pinkdelight · 28/08/2017 09:36

She doesn't have to have been actively egging her on. Just being there contributes to the crowd that the idiot driver was performing for, and I'm not too convinced about the DD telling her to calm down. It's a far cry from the other poster who screamed at their driver to stop. Saying calm down a couple of times versus a whole evening of enjoying car-based larks comes under the category of actions speak louder than words. Again, am absolutely not excusing the reckless driver or apportioning equal blame to DD. Just saying the lines are more blurred and probably her recollection when 'stunned' after the accident may be closer to the truth than now she's had time to regret and resent and had to explain her involvement to her parents.

Corcory · 28/08/2017 09:36

If your DD is in more pain and distressed I would take her to your Dr. as an emergency. She may have concussion or another head trauma. I would then contact the friend or her parents and ask for there insurance details. Their insurance should be paying out compensation for the passengers.

Billben · 28/08/2017 09:38

This. Their friendship is finished. Just draw a line under it. There is no way on earth would I not take this further (and I don't mean claiming, but that's up to you). Even if the parents were told by the insurance company not to discuss things with anybody, they can still answer their phone and just say so. Nothing gets me going more than people ignoring me. That's just plain rude.

Original poster

neverundersold · 28/08/2017 09:39

Hi everyone you have certainly given me plenty to think about and I thank you for that. There will be no claim made by us, I cant see how it would help. We did ask DD if she and the others had been pratting about in the car, she said there was music on but no one was egging the driver on. DD is a quiet, cautious type and as a new driver herself if fully aware of the responsibility the driver has on the roads. That's the bit that hurts I think, that her friend took risks with them in the car. She is also now reluctant to drive her own car, hoping these feelings diminish as time passes. Definately one we will chalk up to experience. I will keep out of it and just try to help her deal with her feelings. Driver was insured on parents insurance so I'm sure there will be consequences for her and her family.

OP posts:

Rachie1973 · 28/08/2017 09:39

I wouldn't answer the phone either knowing I was likely to get an earful about my daughters driving.

It may be morally right to speak to you, but they're not acting in any illegal manner. The legal obligations have been fulfilled and they're not obliged to listen to other parents viewpoints.

Sirzy · 28/08/2017 09:40

I would encourage her to get out in the car with you or someone else she trusts as soon as her aches allow her to. Would be a shame to let it knock her driving confidence

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