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AIBU?

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Original poster

To contact sister even though mam wants nc *trigger warnings,abuse*

118 replies

ByeBrow · 26/08/2017 20:58

My sister is 15 and an amazing aunty to my .

We are half sisters , same dad . Her mam and her side of the family do everything they can to make sure I can't contact her . We're back in contact now after not speaking since Christmas and only because she's kept it secret that she's messaging me.

My heart breaks for her , she's been through so much and sexually abused from a very young age up until she was about 14. Last year police got involved and despite evidence, the case was dropped because she didn't feel able to talk about it as the family are telling her she's splitting everyone up and they don't believe her. I'm supposed to be nc with her because they don't like the fact I was helping her through this mess. They've even made her move schools as the last school were trying to help .

Now she feels able to go to the police , I'd say she was in a bit of a mental health crisis last year , falling out with her mam about it , suicidal , running away at very early hours of the morning in shorts during winter . Now police are not involved and social services have also dropped the case , she's seen him a few times and he contacts her to see what she's up to , he hasn't done anything appropriate but she feels like he's stalking her online so I've helped her make sure everything is as private as possible and he's blocked but he's still managed to find her in the local paper online and things about her representing the area in her hobbies ... he lives 26 miles away so very odd that he's searching all this and congratulating her.

I want to help her but I don't know how I can, I'm supposed to be nc and it's very stressful with me being heavily pregnant . Last time she went to the police , she was teased by her family and even beaten up by our teenage brother . Social services are useless , camhs wouldn't help . She has been self harming since primary school and before that doing what i would call self harm as a toddler . I'm worried now she's back in contact with him that her self harm is going to spiral out of control again , there's nothing to say he can't see her . She's had no counselling or support what so ever and to me it seems like she has ptsd.

I posted on aibu because I'm desperate to help her asap.

Thank you x

OP posts:
Booboobooboo84 · 26/08/2017 21:03

What would she like you to do for her? That's the key thing. Anything has to be motivated by her.

Your a grown woman tell anyone who tells you to be nc with a child to fuck right off

Original poster
ByeBrow · 26/08/2017 21:07

She wants me to help her make sure her abuser has no way of seeing or contacting her & stalking her online

OP posts:
Original poster
ByeBrow · 26/08/2017 21:16

Anyone ? Sad

OP posts:
Domino20 · 26/08/2017 21:20

Can she live with you?

Bluelonerose · 26/08/2017 21:21

Can she not go to her doctor to get help through there? They can be a massive support

RebelRogue · 26/08/2017 21:22

How is he contacting her now?
The thing is ,it would be really hard,as he would still have access to paper articles at least. Is he family or a friend of the family? Is her direct family still in contact with him? They could also provide phone numbers,info etc.

And sorry to say,as long as she lives in that environment she is still not safe. She is still suffering abuse from her family.

flumpybear · 26/08/2017 21:26

What a dreadful situation - you must help this poor child - can she live with you? Can you not call SS, the police and her school for much help as you can get ?!

Booboobooboo84 · 26/08/2017 21:27

How is he contacting her now?

Who is she living with?

Maelstrop · 26/08/2017 21:29

I think she needs to go to the police. She needs to make a clear statement, give as much detail as she can and possibly either get rid of her social media or change her name on it, changing her gender online would also help. For a 15 year old, that's a big ask, but she effectively needs to be on lockdown/hidden from him. Is it a family friend/relative? Would her mam at least help her block him?

Could she live with you? Poor girl. :(

Original poster
ByeBrow · 26/08/2017 21:29

He's got a new number and started contacting her . She also sees him at famil parties and holidays , she's promised he won't be there or sometimes he's not and then turns up unannounced.

I've tried having her live with me . Her mam came to drop her some clothes and then dragged her out . Social services couldn't care less . She then returned the next day with police , we had a meeting with social service . I don't know what her mam said to her when she got the chance the speak to her alOne but she went back . Day to day she has a close relationship with her mam when this stuff isn't brought up .

OP posts:
Booboobooboo84 · 26/08/2017 21:32

Ok she needs to block him with the new number. She also needs to walk out of any room he is in.

She's 15 ask if she wants to live with you. If she does contact the police and arrange to collect her with them present.

Original poster
ByeBrow · 26/08/2017 21:34

He's married into the family , I've contacted social services again but been told she's not at risk as nothing is happening. Police want to hear it from her but she feels unable to go without me . I don't even know what school she's been moved to , she won't tell me . She's too scared to say because she doesn't want me to contact the school like I did last time because her family will tell her off for contacting me and do everything they can to stop it .

OP posts:
DeadGood · 26/08/2017 21:35

God this sounds so difficult. Well done for staying in contact, that will be so important to her.
Do everything you can to ensure that she can always reach you when needed. Do you have an old handset you could give her (phone) with a SIM for emergencies, maybe. Make sure she has your email addresses written down in case she has to close down old accounts.
And perhaps you could revisit the idea of her living with you.

RebelRogue · 26/08/2017 21:36

It will be tricky to keep her "hidden" of the family offer him access to her.

One thing would be making new accounts with fake name,profile pic ,really high security settings and not tell/add any family on it.

But that's just treating a symptom and not the cause. That kid needs help.

Booboobooboo84 · 26/08/2017 21:38

Well with all the best will in the world she needs to make a decision as scary as that is for her.

What have her family said about him continuing to contact her? Can't they see that it is creepy as fuck given the history. Because either she's a child he's abused and he's not stopping harassing her or she's a child who lied about him abusing her and he's not stopped contact. If she was lying why would you contact someone who made up such heinous lies. I fully believe her btw just because of how he's acting now.

Original poster
ByeBrow · 26/08/2017 21:41

She has dirty messages he's sent and a voice note of him coming into her room at night , with this voice, he was even interviewed but only admitted to the messages and still the case was dropped because she couldn't say anything .

OP posts:
Original poster
ByeBrow · 26/08/2017 21:46

Her family care more about keeping everyone together than a traumatised child. There's been times she gets very suicidal but her mam doesn't care , tells her to hurry up and do it if she really means it

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 26/08/2017 21:57

That's so awful, and it's why so many people don't go through with making a statement about what they've been through. It's great that she has you, but you need support as well as you're in a very difficult situation.

The police are very good these days at handling cases of sexual abuse, much better than they used to be. She really needs to go through with it now, she will get support from specially trained officers in special 'rape suites', which are a lot less intimidating than an interview room. She can be put in touch with Victim Support as well, and I found Rape Crisis very helpful too.

You can go with her when she makes her statement but you won't be able to go into the interview room.

It's a scary process but it's something that she really should go through with. And you really need some support yourself. Flowers

Original poster
ByeBrow · 26/08/2017 22:02

She feels let down because of how it went the first time she went to the police . The detective on the case then stopped answering . We later found out she left and the case was then transferred to another police force and then closed .

I'm more worried about her getting support than me, she needs it . She's got such low self esteem and it's changed her in many ways . A small thing reminds her of him and she's in a state . It happens every time she's been made to see him and the family say she's being dramatic. She has an endless list of numbers he's called her from that have been blocked.

OP posts:
Original poster
ByeBrow · 26/08/2017 22:14

If anyone has any advice on how I can help her with the mental side of it then I'd really appreciate it because she's struggling 👎🏼

OP posts:
Original poster
ByeBrow · 26/08/2017 22:23

And if anyone knows what the process is with the police , will make her feel a bit more reassured

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 26/08/2017 22:38

Rape Crisis is excellent and I recommend them as a source of support, definitely. You pay as donation only so it's only what you can afford. You can also access support through your GP, but there can be a waiting list.

Re the police, they come round for an initial interview, they do this quickly after you make a complaint. They arrange to take a full statement, either written or via video link. They then investigate your claim and they ask to see your medical records; you have to give your consent to this, they also want to speak to anyone you've been to see for therapy. They do prefer for you to wait until after the case is finished, because it needs to be fresh in the memory.

When they're ready they make an arrest, probably quite quickly in your case as they know who you're telling them did it. They will then release him on bail pending further enquiries and when their investigations are complete they hand it over to the CPS, who make the decision to prosecute.

It can be a long process and she will need lots of support. As I said, Victim Support can be helpful but do encourage your sister to contact Rape Crisis, they're great. They can also point you in the direction of survivors' groups.

You can PM me if you want to chat further. Flowers

Booboobooboo84 · 26/08/2017 22:57

The way for her to survive isto go nc with him and if by extension that means her family then so be it

Original poster
ByeBrow · 26/08/2017 23:08

Thank you mittens , that was really helpful . boo , it's hard for her to go nc as she's still only 15, she's desperate to move out at 16 though.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 26/08/2017 23:09

In all honesty, I am not sure that you can fully help her and still have a good relationship/be in contact with the family.

She will need someone there as and she needs them and this cannot be done if you are hiding the relationship.

It is not a nice question but are you prepared to put your relationship with your family on the line for your sister?
As she needs a protector, as the rest of her family don't seem to be prepared to do it.

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