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AIBU?

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Original poster

To contact sister even though mam wants nc *trigger warnings,abuse*

118 replies

ByeBrow · 26/08/2017 20:58

My sister is 15 and an amazing aunty to my .

We are half sisters , same dad . Her mam and her side of the family do everything they can to make sure I can't contact her . We're back in contact now after not speaking since Christmas and only because she's kept it secret that she's messaging me.

My heart breaks for her , she's been through so much and sexually abused from a very young age up until she was about 14. Last year police got involved and despite evidence, the case was dropped because she didn't feel able to talk about it as the family are telling her she's splitting everyone up and they don't believe her. I'm supposed to be nc with her because they don't like the fact I was helping her through this mess. They've even made her move schools as the last school were trying to help .

Now she feels able to go to the police , I'd say she was in a bit of a mental health crisis last year , falling out with her mam about it , suicidal , running away at very early hours of the morning in shorts during winter . Now police are not involved and social services have also dropped the case , she's seen him a few times and he contacts her to see what she's up to , he hasn't done anything appropriate but she feels like he's stalking her online so I've helped her make sure everything is as private as possible and he's blocked but he's still managed to find her in the local paper online and things about her representing the area in her hobbies ... he lives 26 miles away so very odd that he's searching all this and congratulating her.

I want to help her but I don't know how I can, I'm supposed to be nc and it's very stressful with me being heavily pregnant . Last time she went to the police , she was teased by her family and even beaten up by our teenage brother . Social services are useless , camhs wouldn't help . She has been self harming since primary school and before that doing what i would call self harm as a toddler . I'm worried now she's back in contact with him that her self harm is going to spiral out of control again , there's nothing to say he can't see her . She's had no counselling or support what so ever and to me it seems like she has ptsd.

I posted on aibu because I'm desperate to help her asap.

Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
ByeBrow · 26/08/2017 23:18

I'm not in contact with her side of the family or her mam , it's only her worried about losing the family relationships she has because she says it's not all bad

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 26/08/2017 23:24

ByeBrow

In that case do what you are doing, be there for her and keep supporting her.

Apologies for the misunderstanding.

Original poster
ByeBrow · 26/08/2017 23:28

Thank you. I wish there was more I could do for her . There isn't even a counselling service nearby that she could go to without parents having to be informed. cant imagine how angry our dad would be if he knew what was going on.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 26/08/2017 23:35

Do you what would be the legal position would be if she moved in with you at 16?

by that I mean would she need her parents permission to do so or could she just move in?

could she move in and get some sort of protection order?

again apologies I am stretching to find a possible solution

Booboobooboo84 · 26/08/2017 23:43

She can move out at 15 if she is with a responsible adult. The police wouldn't force her home at that age.

I would suggest nc until her family are prepared to support her properly

Mittens1969 · 26/08/2017 23:46

I'm very surprised that her parents need to be informed of her going to counselling, not if she goes to her GP surely.

Also, Rape Crisis has a helpline that she can call. It's manned by volunteers so the phone won't always be answered but someone will always call back.

Original poster
ByeBrow · 26/08/2017 23:50

Social services said she isn't allowed contact with him but now they're not invoked , that rule is ignored . She's won't even meet me in person in case her family find out , they were so vile about it last time . She stayed for about a month

OP posts:
Original poster
ByeBrow · 26/08/2017 23:55

She tried going to a self referral counselling and was told she need her mum even though it was one of those off the record things because she's under 16

OP posts:
Original poster
ByeBrow · 26/08/2017 23:57

Her previous school referred her to camhs and the gp after the school got in contact with them but was told that she wasn't bad enough. I don't know how bad they have to be but sitting on a railway bridge, saying she wants to kill herself and cutting herself multiple times in a day is not bad enough

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 27/08/2017 00:36

The situation will change once she makes a statement to the police, social services will be involved again and I can't imagine that there will be any requirement to involve her mum anymore. It will be very hard for her to do, but it won't be harder than what she's going through right now.

junebirthdaygirl · 27/08/2017 05:12

Sorry of l missed this bit but why doesnt youe dad jnow whats going on? Can you keep tellling her that at 16 she will be freer so at least she sees some hope up ahead. I thought social services had to do something. Whats the piint in us all reporting stuff if they do nothing?

Original poster
ByeBrow · 27/08/2017 06:05

She won't go to the police without me and even with me she's worried she's going to be let down again. In her family's eyes, if he's not charged with anything then 'she's lying,attention seeking & messed up'. Social services failed her massively, 5 social workers and then eventually they stopped seeing her after the child protection plan and child in need plan was dropped, now 11 months since she's seen a social worker and the whole case is now dropped.
Her mam completely ignores the fact that her daughter is suicidal,self harming and needs help and just lets her brother torment her about it. When she had social services and police checking on her safety , her mam would tell her she's ruined the family and everything is her fault. Her previous teachers went above and beyond their duty of care to help her , her mam didn't like that and moved her . Now she has no support at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
ByeBrow · 27/08/2017 06:06

June , exactly how I feel. They ask her if she's happy, what she wants to happen and then they do the complete opposite and convince her going back home to her mam is the best place , social services really let her down. Our dad passed away.

OP posts:
Photomummy16 · 27/08/2017 06:44

For really good advice quickly, you or she coukdnohone childline or the nspcc - you don't need to be a child to call them, they are very used to talking to adults on behalf of children especially about abuse and mental health.

Photomummy16 · 27/08/2017 06:44

Sorry typo - you or she could call childline or nspcc

Original poster
ByeBrow · 27/08/2017 06:59

Nspcc just pass it on to social services who do nothing and she's tried childline a few times and said it wasn't helpful

OP posts:
Photomummy16 · 27/08/2017 07:20

Oh I'm sorry @byebrow it must be such a worry

user1468175625 · 27/08/2017 07:40

Could you contact your niece's old school? They will almost certainly know her new school. You could just ask if her history/concerns were passed on and say you are very worried about her. They probably won't tell you anything but they might be able to get the new school to help her? Just a suggestion, I rarely post as I often don't feel I have much to add but I feel for you this is such a tricky situation. It must help your niece so much knowing you are there.

Albertschair · 27/08/2017 08:00

It sounds like she wants something that is impossible. Not unreasonable to want it. And it should be possible but it isn't.

She wants to be believed by her mum. Her mum doesn't believe her. Her mum has chosen to believe her daughter's abuser over her daughter. As pp have said, the fact that he still contacts her is somewhat damning - if a child ever (falsely) accused me of abuse there is no way I'd go out of my to 'congratulate' her of anything.

Unfortunately as long as mum doesn't believe her, her other wants are also impossible. She wants him to go away and for her to be protected without it all faking on her to do the effort. She loves her mum. She wants to live with her mum. Her mum doesn't believe her.

I know her mum hates you. Is there any way you can talk to her mum though?

Otherwuse just remain a constant offer of support.

I don't think she will leave home at 16. I'd she wanted to, she could leave now. She doesn't really want to. And I can understand that. She wants her mum to believe her.

user1468175625 · 27/08/2017 08:04

Sorry sister not niece. Will get some coffee...

Original poster
ByeBrow · 27/08/2017 08:19

Thank you all. It's such a difficult time for her and I really want to do more but but sure I can . I'm going to try talking to her about her mam. She wants to make everyone happy, not upset her mam when she's far from happy herself.

I'm sure the previous school did pass on information about it all. The new school are just not as good at the pastoral side I think. Completely ignores my sister when she's crying, she can't cope with loud noises,crowds of people and physical contact. The way her uniform is means she can't hide her self harm , she was so worried about what the teachers would say and how they wouldn't be supportive like her previous school about it but she only got asked what they were and then it was ignored, not even a call home to notify anyone .

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 27/08/2017 10:42

@ByeBrow, I've been thinking about your DSis's situation and her self-harming. She should be in the care of the Community Mental Health Team, and have a psychiatric nurse. She needs to be in hospital really, as she's very much a danger to herself.

You could contact the GP and tell them just how bad it is, as she may not have done so. They won't be able to tell you what she's told them, obviously, but they do need the whole picture.

I believe that's confidential and they won't have to include your mum. (Teenagers can have a termination without parents being involved so that should be possible!)

And why not call an organisation like Rape Crisis yourself, and ask advice as to how best to help? You can google for the location of survivors groups online and find ones near you. You can just go yourself if your DSis won't go, and ask for advice. They offer literature which you can give to your DSis as well.

Original poster
ByeBrow · 27/08/2017 11:56

When she had to be talked down a railway bridge the GP was aware , they say the best thing is to refer to camhs but 3 referrals later , nothing ! I'll call rape crisis, I think she needs specialist counselling from people that deal with sexual abuse .

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 27/08/2017 12:46

Yes I understand that, it's such a battle to get anything out of camhs, we're trying to get help for our DD1 (8). Well done for helping your DSis, the help is there, it's just so hard to access it. It's shocking, the way they haven't helped her.

Original poster
ByeBrow · 27/08/2017 13:27

Thank you . It's ridiculous, I don't know what ifs going to take for someone to realise she needs help, she's crying for help .

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