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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact sister even though mam wants nc *trigger warnings,abuse*

118 replies

ByeBrow · 26/08/2017 20:58

My sister is 15 and an amazing aunty to my .

We are half sisters , same dad . Her mam and her side of the family do everything they can to make sure I can't contact her . We're back in contact now after not speaking since Christmas and only because she's kept it secret that she's messaging me.

My heart breaks for her , she's been through so much and sexually abused from a very young age up until she was about 14. Last year police got involved and despite evidence, the case was dropped because she didn't feel able to talk about it as the family are telling her she's splitting everyone up and they don't believe her. I'm supposed to be nc with her because they don't like the fact I was helping her through this mess. They've even made her move schools as the last school were trying to help .

Now she feels able to go to the police , I'd say she was in a bit of a mental health crisis last year , falling out with her mam about it , suicidal , running away at very early hours of the morning in shorts during winter . Now police are not involved and social services have also dropped the case , she's seen him a few times and he contacts her to see what she's up to , he hasn't done anything appropriate but she feels like he's stalking her online so I've helped her make sure everything is as private as possible and he's blocked but he's still managed to find her in the local paper online and things about her representing the area in her hobbies ... he lives 26 miles away so very odd that he's searching all this and congratulating her.

I want to help her but I don't know how I can, I'm supposed to be nc and it's very stressful with me being heavily pregnant . Last time she went to the police , she was teased by her family and even beaten up by our teenage brother . Social services are useless , camhs wouldn't help . She has been self harming since primary school and before that doing what i would call self harm as a toddler . I'm worried now she's back in contact with him that her self harm is going to spiral out of control again , there's nothing to say he can't see her . She's had no counselling or support what so ever and to me it seems like she has ptsd.

I posted on aibu because I'm desperate to help her asap.

Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
ByeBrow · 27/08/2017 13:52

Rape crisis have given me links to some useful info online and asked if I could convince her to come or go to the gp, she wants help but she's too scared to get it .Sad

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 27/08/2017 14:05

you need to make these organisations listen.... she IS in danger of further abuse because he is still trying to contact her.. manipulating her of isolating her... he knows nothing will happen by contacting her because everyone has already let her down and called her a liar.. he has gotten away with this ...

I believe He is absolutely guilty.. why would a Man questioned by Police and accused of inappropriate contact .. with a child.. continue to contact the Child... because he believes himself untouchable now...
How did he get her new mobile number OP ? Flowers

Original poster
ByeBrow · 27/08/2017 14:22

I don't know . I assume family passed it on , he does everything and anything he can to contact her .

OP posts:
nomorebabiesyet · 27/08/2017 14:29

I didnt see on the thread but only skim read. Poor girl. Where is your dad? Can she stay with him or is he with her mum?

Original poster
ByeBrow · 27/08/2017 14:38

He passed away

OP posts:
OkPedro · 27/08/2017 14:42

byebrow Your sister is so lucky to have you fighting her corner.. I was abused as a child and felt so alone. If I had even one person who believed me.

nomorebabiesyet · 27/08/2017 14:45

Oh im sorry to hear that. You will just have continue supporting her x

nomorebabiesyet · 27/08/2017 14:45

Oh im sorry to hear that. You will just have continue supporting her x

Mittens1969 · 27/08/2017 15:15

@OkPedro, I'm so sorry, there are so many of us who have experienced abuse, it's great that we can support each other on here.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad, @ByeBrow. I'm glad you were able to contact Rape Crisis, your DS could start by calling their helpline, I remember it was something I found very helpful.

Original poster
ByeBrow · 27/08/2017 15:33

Thank you nomorebabiesyet, I'll do my best for her.
So sorry you had to go through something so terrible Pedro and Mittens . I'll encourage her to call the helpline . So young and she's been through hell and back . I feel so helpless and sorry that I couldn't of stopped it from happening years ago,she kept it secret for so long though she did say she gave the family a few hints before she was even old enough to understand it was wrong, I was completely unaware until some time last year . It's heartbreaking . I do worry about the impact it's had on her.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 27/08/2017 15:38

so Family KNOW.. what she accused him of.. and still passed her mobile number onto him.. ?!

Is this a wind up OP ?

Original poster
ByeBrow · 27/08/2017 15:48

It's really not a wind up . They'd rather protect him because he's married someone in her family and it would 'ruin their child's life' as if my sisters life isn't already ruined.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 27/08/2017 15:50

then you need to get he help and Fast OP.... please x

Mittens1969 · 27/08/2017 15:52

No it wouldn't be a wind up, that is typical of how families of abuse victims behave. They would rather not believe that the abuse has happened at all so they act like it can't be true.

Original poster
ByeBrow · 27/08/2017 15:56

What I'm struggling to understand is how he can admit to all those messages and still nothing be done about it . I don't know if it's because the case got transferred to the areas dsis lives in from the area the abuser lives in & because she was too afraid to say anything more . It doesn't make sense , they took her phone for so long , found evidence, he admitted and then nothing but a letter months later to say the case is closed and to collect the phOne.

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 27/08/2017 16:27

If you could persuade your DSis to go to Rape Crisis or call them, they do also provide an advocate service, that is someone who will support a victim through the whole process. They might be able to persuade her to make a statement to the police. Once she's stood up to him, it will really help her.

Original poster
ByeBrow · 27/08/2017 16:39

I'll try my best to go encourage her x she wanted to call the samaritans about how she feels, this is a huge step for her but she left it ringing for a while and got no answer , they were obviously busy but she felt nervous and gave up .

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 27/08/2017 16:50

Again they're manned by volunteers, so there won't always be someone available to answer. Hope she tries again, it's good that she was ready to talk.

Original poster
ByeBrow · 27/08/2017 17:28

She's given up . She go through twice but each time she said hello, heard a beep as if someone accidentally pressed a button and then heard the phone being put down . Before she was getting the automated message that their busy

OP posts:
Original poster
ByeBrow · 27/08/2017 17:37

She's home alone until late and wants to OD . I'm going to pick her up . Once she's with me and I know she's safe I'm going to ask her what she wants to do about it . He left her a voicemail from what is apparently his work number . I'm so glad I can be there for her in times like this but when I have the baby im not going to be able to drop everything and dash out .

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 27/08/2017 17:42

One little piece of advice that may help, I don't know.

You say her previous school were very helpful and supportive. Perhaps give them a ring. They will know where she has been moved to. They will not, of course, be able to tell you where it is, but they may be willing and able to fill the new school in on the whole situation. If you can get someone there (safeguarding lead) to do that, it could help her massively.

Maelstrop · 27/08/2017 17:45

You said your dad would go mad if he knew what was going on. Is he able to take her?

Original poster
ByeBrow · 27/08/2017 17:46

It was her old school that made me aware she was leaving , at the time they didn't even know where to . Eventually they found out because they had to transfer academic information and about all of this so the new school is aware of everything but offer no support .

OP posts:
Original poster
ByeBrow · 27/08/2017 17:46

Our dad passed away maelstrop

OP posts:
Original poster
ByeBrow · 27/08/2017 18:15

I'm with her now , first time I've seen her for a long time in person . I want to take her to hospital, she's self harmed, not too bad but she's very suicidal, lost a lot of weight too . Me even suggesting I take her to hospital has made her hysterical, doesn't want to upset her mam

OP posts: