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AIBU?

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Original poster

To contact sister even though mam wants nc *trigger warnings,abuse*

118 replies

ByeBrow · 26/08/2017 20:58

My sister is 15 and an amazing aunty to my .

We are half sisters , same dad . Her mam and her side of the family do everything they can to make sure I can't contact her . We're back in contact now after not speaking since Christmas and only because she's kept it secret that she's messaging me.

My heart breaks for her , she's been through so much and sexually abused from a very young age up until she was about 14. Last year police got involved and despite evidence, the case was dropped because she didn't feel able to talk about it as the family are telling her she's splitting everyone up and they don't believe her. I'm supposed to be nc with her because they don't like the fact I was helping her through this mess. They've even made her move schools as the last school were trying to help .

Now she feels able to go to the police , I'd say she was in a bit of a mental health crisis last year , falling out with her mam about it , suicidal , running away at very early hours of the morning in shorts during winter . Now police are not involved and social services have also dropped the case , she's seen him a few times and he contacts her to see what she's up to , he hasn't done anything appropriate but she feels like he's stalking her online so I've helped her make sure everything is as private as possible and he's blocked but he's still managed to find her in the local paper online and things about her representing the area in her hobbies ... he lives 26 miles away so very odd that he's searching all this and congratulating her.

I want to help her but I don't know how I can, I'm supposed to be nc and it's very stressful with me being heavily pregnant . Last time she went to the police , she was teased by her family and even beaten up by our teenage brother . Social services are useless , camhs wouldn't help . She has been self harming since primary school and before that doing what i would call self harm as a toddler . I'm worried now she's back in contact with him that her self harm is going to spiral out of control again , there's nothing to say he can't see her . She's had no counselling or support what so ever and to me it seems like she has ptsd.

I posted on aibu because I'm desperate to help her asap.

Thank you x

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 27/08/2017 18:37

She does needs to go to hospital, she really does. I'm afraid it sounds as if she'll need to be sectioned as she really is a danger to herself. It will be horrible for her, but it might be the only way to help her. I'm so sorry it's come to this.

Notevilstepmother · 27/08/2017 18:40

Please persuade her to go to hospital if you can or at least ring 111 who may be able to get hold of someone to help her. Xxx

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/08/2017 18:50

I suspect that the hospital will contact your sister's mum, but you have to do what you feel is best for her well being.

Do you know what her new school is? or can you find out?

If you know it ring them and report the situation you can be named or anonymous, but (English) schools have a safe guarding duty and must report and investigate.

Your sister is in an abusive relationship and unfortunately this means that she may/will not be able to get herself free.

theancientmarinader · 27/08/2017 18:51

OK. Take her to the hospital, or find a walk-in mental health clinic and take her there.
I had to do the same for a 16yo. She was unhappy about it for a week or so, but it was the only way to get her into decent counselling and support. After a week or so she thanked me and admitted it was what she needed - someone else to step in and take charge when she was unable to move forward and was very vulnerable.
At present you are the adult and you are responsible for safeguarding the child.
It is unfortunate that her mother is unable to do this, but such is life. Some kids get dealt a shit hand in parents.

Original poster
ByeBrow · 27/08/2017 18:55

111 have suggested I take her to a&e and call her mam but I can't force her . I'm pregnant as well so I'm not going to even try and physically make her .

I don't know what school she goes to , she won't tell me because the family told her not to tell me. I've tried finding it from paper articles shes in and online . Tried seeing if I could spot anything laying about her room that's school related but I can't . She's never posted a photo in the new uniform either .

OP posts:
Original poster
ByeBrow · 27/08/2017 19:37

I've taken her for a walk . Can't get her to go to the hospital and her mam will be home in an hour . I feel so helpless. To me she's just as bad as she was when she had to be talked down , if not worse . When I get a moment and she's not listening, I'll call 111 again and explain that i can't get to to go and her mam is against her getting help.

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Original poster
ByeBrow · 27/08/2017 19:48

We're exploring the idea of her going to the gp herself , she thinks she can do it if she goes with a friend , doesn't want me there . At under 16 would the gp tell her mam about it , she wants to talk about self harm and how she's feeling . Can she get treatment without her mam? x thanks

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theancientmarinader · 27/08/2017 20:02

Afaik that depends on whether they think contacting the parent will be detrimental to the dd. Health professionals are able to exercise an element of judgement in that regard but the dd would have to be clear that she didn't want her mum to know.
This would also probably necessitate the gp contacting social services.
Hopefully a gp will be along soon and can answer.
When is she 16?

Original poster
ByeBrow · 27/08/2017 20:21

In November

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 28/08/2017 01:17

I do think that the GP would have to obtain her consent in order to consult her mum. I mean, they can't tell parents about contraception or terminations so why would they be able to tell her mum without your DSis's consent? Unless of course your DSis did give her consent, she is very attached to your mum?

It is odd that your mum doesn't want her to have help when she had to be talked down from jumping from a railway bridge. That just makes no sense, she must be worried about what your DSis will say?

Original poster
ByeBrow · 28/08/2017 08:21

Yes I think she's worried that dsis is going to bring up the whole reason why to professionals again. It's going to come out eventually, dsis' mam just cares more about keeping the family together.
With GCSEs coming up I really want dsis to go the gp before school starts because it's had an impact on her school life as well.

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Mittens1969 · 28/08/2017 11:27

That's very misguided, as this man poses a risk to others in the family.

Yes it's an important year for your DSis, but for the moment it will be the last thing on her mind. And it really isn't difficult to catch up later, I did and got 2 degrees. She has her whole life ahead of her and she can get through this.

pringlecat · 28/08/2017 11:56

Is it possible to explore the route of her living with you again? I appreciate you're heavily pregnant and this isn't ideal, but it sounds like her not living with you is not going to make you worry any less. She doesn't seem to be in a safe supportive environment and you seem able to offer something better (you don't say how much space you have, but living in your lounge is surely better than in a bedroom in her mam's house).

I think you know that your family obligations are to this girl who everyone else has let down, so to hell if anyone gets upset with you taking her in. Having acknowledged that, you need to get her to understand that this is her best option (as it means she doesn't have to live in fear of running into her abuser) and you will support her in repairing whatever family relationships can be repaired once you get through this difficult transition period. It's temporary.

If you can't have the conversation about moving her to your place with her directly, is it a conversation you can have with a social worker? The way things have escalated, I think you're beyond trying to keep things in the family and not involve outside agencies. Keeping her away from a man who is making her feel suicidal and placing her with the only family member she trusts and who has a direct blood link would seem to be a no-brainer. I can't see anyone disconnected from the situation not backing that.

I'm sure your dad would be so proud of you, fighting his other DD's corner when he's unable to. Well done, you. The world is a nicer place for having you in it.

Original poster
ByeBrow · 28/08/2017 12:27

Thank you so much x she's my sister,it wouldn't be right for me to sit there and let this happen to her.
I will explore her living with me again,the sofa is not ideal but like I said to her the last time she stayed with me, if it means I have to up and move so she can stay with me long term then I will but it's going to have to be after the baby and when I'm back to work.

It's just getting her to stay with me. She's terrified,her family were horrible about it last time.

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Booboobooboo84 · 28/08/2017 13:55

This is a bit off field but where does he work. If I was you I would be ringing his work and advising his boss that he is misusing company facilities to harass an underage girl and that the police have been involved previously

bullyingadvice2017 · 28/08/2017 14:34

Is she willing to leave when she turns 16? You could make a plan to speak with the school, and get her out all in a day once 16. It's not that long away and if she feels included in plans maybe she will trust you?

Original poster
ByeBrow · 28/08/2017 14:51

Yeah she says she wants to leave asap on her 16th birthday because then she's even old enough to get her own place so she thinks her mam wouldn't care so much as she'd be with me and not alone.

from what dsis has heard from the family,he's already got the sack for something

OP posts:
Original poster
ByeBrow · 28/08/2017 14:53

So I'm not sure if he has found a new job and used his work mobile or just lied and got another sim to harras dsis

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Original poster
ByeBrow · 28/08/2017 19:15

Ffs, he's at it again . He won't leave dsis alone , if I report to the police anonymously then dsis would know it was me.

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Original poster
ByeBrow · 28/08/2017 19:29

He's using his child to get to dsis , so wrong . I'm in bits , can't imagine what dsis is like right now

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Original poster
ByeBrow · 28/08/2017 20:08

Anyone ?

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Booboobooboo84 · 28/08/2017 20:37

I'm not sure what more advice we can give OP your ds needs to move this forward with your support. Can she talk to the police about getting a non mol order

Original poster
ByeBrow · 28/08/2017 20:44

Thank you, you're right . You've all been so helpful and offered a lot of advice. It's hard getting support for her without her mam. She's promised she'll book an ring the gp up tomorrow.
The mix of pregnancy hormones and this isn't the best thing. Haven't got anyone in person to ask for advice for dsis x she's not in a good place with the self harming after today. Sad

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Booboobooboo84 · 28/08/2017 20:57

Can you go to the gps with her. It is confidential as long as she passes the gillick test for competence, so as long as she shows the intelligence basically to be able to make decisions for herself

Original poster
ByeBrow · 28/08/2017 21:11

She's scared that her mam will find out if I go with her , she panicked when I picked her up the other day . Her family are really not nice about it .

What's a gillick test? Is it just questions? Would she just have to call up and book an appointment the same way an adult does ?

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