Poorly man shuffle

[Moussemoose]

AIBU to want to throttle the love of my life?
He's been poorly with a D&V bug. I've tended his fevered brow. I've cleaned the toilet - many, many times, I've made nourishing food, I have not complained about the smell or the noises, I've been sympathetic.
I am now fed up.
He is up and about but he is 'shuffling' he makes little noises when he lifts anything (like the kettle), he has a pained expression on his face, his sense of humour disappeared down the toilet with other things, he keeps saying "I'm fine" in a passive aggressive whimper.

I've had no alone time in the bedroom, anything from cutting my toe nails to waxing is a spectator sport to add interest to his day.

I love him. He is ill. I want to put him in a box in the loft for the next 20 years.

I'm lying in bed listening to the noises he is making and I wonder if I should record it on my phone and use it as mitigation at my trial.

My husband (now) knows better... my 11yo DS makes up for it in Spades. He's recently worked out that the lovely ladies in the sick bay at school are happier to call me to pick him up than tolerate his (Oscar-Winning) sick man voice. He perks up and thinks he gets to play on the iPad when he gets home. He has been told that he will be returned to school if this happens again.

I have one on the couch right now! He had a sty coming in his eye yesterday, today the sickness has spread to his whole body. He just feels so weeeeeak. But he won't go back to bed. "just keep the noise down, I'll be fine here"
When I had 2 months of morning sickness he regularly felt sick too, most likely "coming down with something" I just said "Well I'm almost certain it's not what I have" If someone so much as mentions an illness, he'll have symptoms within 24 hours.

DP has only been allowed one medical complaint a day for about a year now because he got so bad.

He says I'm horrid because I have no tolerance for his "I'm going to die but I'm soldiering on" face.

He gets it from his dad!

Pathetic cough here. FFS if you need to cough, cough! Same with sniffing/vague wiping of nose, just blow the fucker.

Also is mine the only one who doesn't throw tissues away in case of some severe shortage? Leaves it on the table/edge of sofa. This makes me want to vom. I bought so many boxes of tissues to convince him this was NOT necessary but it still happens. Grrrr.

Yes you still have hayfever, yes we have antihistamines, why haven't you already taken them or do you actually want me to kill you?

Oh god this drives me insane.
DH groans like something from the walking dead. Ok I get it, you feel ill. Shut up.

dh does the wrong sort of coughing and nose blowing...

all effort and no results, so it's all just a hard forced cough from the back of his throat, or a big trumpetty nose blow..all vibration and no bogies

both of which would wake the entire house if I had not managed to train the children to sleep through absolutely anything ..I actually fear for their safety sometimes! I swear an earthquake would pass them all by!

So it's just me he wakes as he hacks and trumpets and shakes himself out of bed.
He does know that this is UNACCEPTABLE though so it's just the intro to the DyingSwan routine, cos then he will flollop off downstairs to suffer in silence and see if he survives the night alone. "I'll go downstairs, don't worry about meeeeee, I will manage on my own...."

He did moan to me once about the fact he had not had a SINGLE moment of sleep as he had been coughing so hard ALL NIGHT he could barely breath or lie down from the hacking and that his nose was so blocked he had not dared close his eyes for fear of dying from lack of breath....he did have the good grace to look a little ashamed when I said how odd that was as his SNORING had kept ME awake all night in spite of all the nudging and poking I had given him.

So that's why he migrates elsewhere so I have no actual evidence that he did sleep like a normal person the whole night, since the dog cannot grass him up.

Oh yes, all of the above, including the manky hoody and tracksuit bottoms of doom. The noise of the tracksuit bottoms swishy swashy-ing across the kitchen tiles is enough to fucking infuriate me. Let alone the sick voice, sick sighs and sick breathing.

When DS2 was newborn, and we also had 18mo DS1 (and older DD), he decided to bring some of his sick game to everyday life and call it "exhaustion". How I didn't actually murder him I don't know. He was not breastfeeding or doing the night wake ups. He was going to work, same as always, and then sleeping all lovely night on the sofa while I had the baby upstairs.

But he was exhausted. So tired. All the photos of him at the time (holding the babies) show him with this moon-faced, puppy-eyed, gaping mouth face to camera. I think the intended effect was a sort of "yes, I am at death's door, but I am struggling on. Here I am, using my last ounce of energy to hold my son", but he just looks like he's under the influence of some kind of opiate. I had to crop him out of all the photos.

Maisie, yes! And the "wow, the baby slept great last night!" No she fucking didn't, you just slept through it all. I've never known rage like the rage I feel when I'm feeding DD at 3am and he's curled up next to me in the duvet with this serene look of contentment on his face like a smug, sleepy bastard.

I hurt my foot a few weeks ago and texted him at work to say I'd had to strap on an inch thick layer of padding and take two diclofenac just to be comfortable enough to limp, the four DC were running feral, and that no dinner would be cooked. He replied with "bless you. Can you pick me up some Beechams at the shops, I think I have flu"

Oh Statue I get that! The 'I was tossing and turning all night' thing...well you must have been doing it in your sleep then, because I was awake ALL NIGHT with your snoring!

all vibration and no bogies

That's hilarious

Oh the poorly noise. How a hate the little 'uh' that goes with moving anything, including himself.
And the 'little bit' of dinner.

Mine has a frequent re occurring back problem and will often be walking around like the bloody tin man, moving his whole body rather than turn his head or shoulders.
He makes a thing of not making a thing of it but won't see a dr, in fact he's not even registered with a GP. It drives me fucking mad!

Dh is very proud of his regular bowels. 7:30 precisely every morning. You can set you watch by his morning bathroom trip. However, on holiday this year, he got constipated for the first time in all of his 50 years in the planet. Good grief, you would have thought he was dying. He commandeered the bathroom for over an hour, occasionally popping out to update me and the DC on the progress of his stuck poo. Eventually, after a lot of moaning and huffing and puffing, we all heard the telltale splash and enormous sigh of relief that signalled his torment was over. He emerged from the bathroom and announced that he now knew how I felt when I gave birth. I nearly pushed him off the balcony.

Can we add the slippers of Extreme Discomfort? These don't fit properly so along with sussuration of dressing gown of doom you have the slop slop of slippers.

And what's with the Call of Relief? when you're woken by DP at 2am because he's had a pee? It had me and DCs up one night because we thought he was dying.

On the other hand he's quite brilliant if I'm not feeling well, so almost all is forgiven and the patio remains unprepared.

You are my people.

I actually feel murderous when DH is ill, he's that pathetic. He went through a phase last year of being 'ill' as soon as we came back from a visit to PILs, as if hitting the M1 rendered him useless. He would then mope all Sunday, wittering about how ill he was. There would be talk of visits to the GP. But lo and behold, come Monday morning he'd be fine for work. So the last time, I bundled him in the car and took him to the supermarket, on a route with lots of speed bumps, which I took at speed. He's been fine since then.

Also, having had DC2 by crash EMCS under GA, he then spent the night moaning about having to sleep in a chair. His head! His neck! His back! The woes! He was asked to stay by the midwives as I was in no fit state to care for poor DC and was stuck in a high dependency bed due to complications. His moaning got him no sympathy from anyone.

Mine is so like this! He has everything going, especially when the Dses or I have something, he definitely catches it He is at the doctors so much I joke he should have his own parking space there. They never find anything- except when they mentioned TB in relation to a cough & he got all excited & told everybody, even starting off a speech he gave with 'Well, I'm not dead yet, but...' --Don't think I hadn't thought about it, DH'

And don't get me started on when he had a vasectomy & took to his bed for 48 hours after, I didn't get that long after any of my c-sections!

This thread is hilarious. My friend's DP is a bit like this, there seems to be a new ailment every time I see them. Last time I saw them he'd taken to sniffing one of those decongestant nasal sprays every five minutes. I asked if he was alright and was treated to a ten minute graphic description of his dreadful nasal congestion (aka a blocked nose) and his worry that if it didn't clear soon he'd need to see the GP and be referred for further investigation. All this was said in a mournful tone and with the odd knowing smile which seemed to suggest he was resigned to some terrible outcome.

I bumped into my friend at the shops a few days later and asked how he was doing. Apparently the blocked nose nasal congestion was somewhat improved but he'd woken up that day with a terribly strained wrist (I so badly wanted to ask how he'd acquired said injury) and my friend had been dispatched to the pharmacy for tubigrip and ibuprofen gel. I swear our local pharmacy will go out of business if ever they leave the area.

Oh this had reminded me of the visit to the GP because of blood in his urine.

We had been eating a lot of beetroot.

@Moussemoose

TBF, D&V viruses are much worse for men. FACT.

Yes, its strange how a slight head cold can affect their feet

I would put him out of his misery

Today, on getting into our car that had been parked in the sun for an hour or two..

DH: I think I'm running a temperature. i suddenly feel so sweaty. puff puff pant
Me: Turn the air con on.
DH: I've suddenly got so hot. I think I'm coming down with something bad. Oh no, what's wrong with me? Pulling at his clothes as if he's being strangled
Me: You've just got into a hot car. It's hot here .
DH: Gasp No I'm feeling really terrible. Gasp

You will all be delighted and relieved to know I'm sure, that DH made a miraculous full recovery within 3 minutes of the air con being turned on and has not mentioned his sudden mystery illness again since-.

I can relate to so many of these posts. The poor-me face and voice has the opposite effect on me than it's supposed to. Then we have the really exaggerated coughing as if he is dying from consumption.

My dh does not do this at all. If anything, he soldiers on uncomplainingly to the extent I forget he is poorly. The flipside is I don't get much sympathy for my ailments. We are tough in our house.

Mine has actual health issues. mostly self-inflicted. He has osteoarthritis - it's quite serious, he has regular cortisone injections to keep him moving.

But then doesn't bloody move. He interprets the 'don't overdo the exercise' as 'you must never ever exercise again'. With the result that he is getting increasingly unfit and stiff.

I have no more fucks to give.