Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To support my sisters decision of adoption

124 replies

sophiade2 · 25/08/2017 20:02

My 18 year old little sister has recently found out she was pregnant, the father wants no involvement. She says she was on the pill so it was not expected at all. She said she took a test after a missed period and assumed she was 6-7 weeks pregnant. She went to the hospital after slight bleeding and a scan determined she was in fact 21 weeks pregnant and told her the sex (a girl) she said if she was earlier along she would have had an abortion but feels unable to at this stage.

She is due to start uni in September to study nursing, obviously this will have a major impact on her studies. She confided in me and told me she is not ready for a child, not just financially but most importantly, emotionally. She says she doesn't want a child yet and can not visualise her having one. She says she never envisioned having a child in these circumstances and does not feel this is what she wants or that she's ready. She says she feels it is kinder to give the baby to a family who can really support it and want a child.

I told her if she did not want to raise the baby I would raise the baby, she refused and said it would be too hard for her which I accepted and understood. she then told my mother who offered the same thing, she also offered to ensure my sister was financially secure (pay her rent, buy what the baby needs etc) if she kept the baby. She explained to my mum that it wasn't just the financial implications but the fact she does not want a child. My mum started calling her selfish and wicked, saying how can she give away her own child and that she needs to sacrifice her life for this child now. My mum has threatened legal action to enable her to adopt the child herself, she has said if my sister goes through with this then she will be cut out of the family and no one will ever talk to her again.

I understand her and how hard this is for her I just want to do what's best. Aibu for supporting my sister and not my mum?

OP posts:
JustHappy3 · 25/08/2017 20:05

No you are wonderful for supporting your sister. She may change her mind and she may not.
Come over to the adoption board though - it's much gentler than here.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 25/08/2017 20:07

A difficult one. I know of two 16 year olds who gave birth during their GCSEs. Both had amazing family support. Both children are now 7, one mum is on her masters, the other went to uni later and is about to complete her batchelors. But they couldn't have done it without the right support.

It sounds like your sister would get the support to enable the family to keep the baby and raise it, but if she's adamant she doesn't want a child, then yes you are right to support her in her choice.

My mum has threatened legal action to enable her to adopt the child herself - I'm afraid your mother is on a hiding to nowhere with this one. The birth mothers wishes would be paramount.

Whatsername17 · 25/08/2017 20:08

Support your sister. Your mum is being very selfish. She may well change her mind, but she might not and will need support and help in any case.

NellieUnkles · 25/08/2017 20:09

I second the adoption board. I have no personal experience of this, but it is my impression and check this on the adoption board that social services will try to place the child with a family member before putting her up for adoption by unrelated people, if there's someone suitable. I don't know whether the mother needs to consent to this, or whether they will also routinely consider the family of a father who has explicitly he doesn't want to be involved.

NellieUnkles · 25/08/2017 20:10

Explicitly SAID.

mounyaandyiolanda · 25/08/2017 20:10

YANBU.

A very sensitive subject and it's a decision that your sister will need to be sure of as she'll need to live with it for the rest of her life. As long as you're there for her and continue to be there then she'll always have someone to confide in.

I hope she's ok. Such a massive decision.

FlakeBook · 25/08/2017 20:12

Yes, I don't know the exact facts but a grandparent could contest an adoption...whether it would be successful without the mother's consent I don't know.

Purplemac · 25/08/2017 20:14

With a relinquished baby, if your sister says she does not want the baby to go with family, then the baby will not go to family. Your mum cannot force it.

You are doing the right thing by supporting your sister. If she is sensible enough to acknowledge that she is not ready to raise a child, then she shouldn't. Her baby will be loved, it will not be in the care system for long either (will probably go to Foster to Adopt parents too). It will be loved. No need to sacrifice her own life.

I say this as someone who cannot have children and who is adopting. The majority of relinquished babies come from situations exactly like this too.

BarbarianMum · 25/08/2017 20:52

YANBU to support her in doing what she thinks is right for her. This may ultimately mean her deciding to keep the baby, or equally relinquishing it for adoption.

outofmydepth45 · 25/08/2017 21:04

At 21 weeks I would suggest she needs support and time to make what ever decision she wants and to know she can change her mind up to a point.

Hopefully your mum will quickly realise hee error it sounds like she's trying to control the situation which she can't.

newtlover · 25/08/2017 21:10

you can tell your sister that I knew 2 young women who did this, neither regretted it, one went on to later have a family and the other didn't
your mother absolutely needs to butt out, your sister is showing much more emotional maturity, self knowledge and selflessness than your mother, I wish her well.

AdalindSchade · 25/08/2017 21:14

Actually, the family can certainly apply to have care of the baby rather than have her be placed for adoption. The judge will decide what is best for the baby. That may well not be a grandmother who sounds toxic but that could be you if you want.

user1468353179 · 25/08/2017 21:20

My BIL fosters his niece because his brother and wife are both special needs and couldn't care for her. They have the fun and pleasure of seeing her, but not the hard work. Could your sister not accept sthis? Also, many years ago, my cousin got pregnant at the age of 16 and my aunt brought the baby up as her own.

youhavetobekidding · 25/08/2017 21:25

many years ago, my cousin got pregnant at the age of 16 and my aunt brought the baby up as her own. This used to be quite common, but I think it's less common nowadays

I'd suggest your sister speaks to a social worker, or an adoption agency eg Barnardos for impartial advice, information and support

IAmBreakmasterCylinder · 25/08/2017 21:25

I think your sister sounds very sensible. She will really appreciate your support, especially if your Mum is giving her a hard time.

It's really difficult for all concerned but your Sister and her baby are priority.

I'm glad she's got you, you sound like a wonderful Sister Flowers

TimeafterTimeafterTime · 25/08/2017 21:28

I can perfectly understand how your mother feels. This is her granddaughter!

This is too sensitive a subject for AIBU. I suggest you report your post and ask for it to be moved to the adoption board.

Siwdmae · 25/08/2017 21:29

I don't think your mum has a choice here, surely she won't be simply given the baby if your sis wants it adopted? I would support your sister in whatever she chooses to do.

NancyJoan · 25/08/2017 21:30

She needs your support, OP, whatever she decides to do.

Crumbs1 · 25/08/2017 21:33

Y neice was adopted by my SIL at 6 weeks. She is a delight and a very happy adult now.She stayed in contact through annual exchanged letters but has no real inin her birth mother who now has her own family.
Your sister needs space and unconditional support around her decision.

Notreallyarsed · 25/08/2017 21:36

I think adoption is an extremely courageous decision, and supporting your sister is a wonderful (and the right) thing to do. I'm adopted, and I owe my BM more thanks than I could ever show. She made the bravest, most selfless decision and I have the life I have because of her courage.
Please continue to support your sister, you sound like a fab sister and she's lucky to have you in her corner. She's doing a very special thing.

AdalindSchade · 25/08/2017 21:37

Relinquishing a baby for adoption isn't as simple as it sounds.
It's not as simple as 'birth mother's wishes are paramount' although they are considered. The local authority would be involved and refer to cafcass who would oversee the adoption. However, the local authority also has to agree the adoption at a panel meeting and if there is a likelihood of legal challenge this would have to be explored before the adoption took place.
It's quite likely that as the local authority were made aware that other family members wanted to take the baby they would probably have a legal planning meeting and may apply to court for a judge to make the decision.

namechanger2735 · 25/08/2017 21:39

I know nothing about the system and can't offer any advice but just wanted to say you are not unreasonable to support your sister. She's very lucky to have you!

Haffdonga · 25/08/2017 21:40

Some misinformation on this thread. Your sister wont necessarily get any final say in whether or not other family members can care for her child if she goes for adoption. Social services will want to decide what's best for the child not what the mother wants. Very often they will feel that care with extended family is a better long term setting for a child than adoption. If your mum steps up she will be assessed and could well be approved to care for her grandchild whether your sister likes it or not.

Likewise they will want to discuss with the father and his family whether they might be in a position to care for this child. Adoption to non relatives is seen as a less good option when family can offer a good home.

AdalindSchade · 25/08/2017 21:42

That's a point. The father's family may put themselves forward.

HiJenny35 · 25/08/2017 21:46

An amazing thing for your sister to do, what an amazing gift to give a family who are unable to have a child. Totally support her and in fact go further than that and tell your mum how selfish she is being by being so horrid to your sister.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread