To support my sisters decision of adoption

[sophiade2]

My 18 year old little sister has recently found out she was pregnant, the father wants no involvement. She says she was on the pill so it was not expected at all. She said she took a test after a missed period and assumed she was 6-7 weeks pregnant. She went to the hospital after slight bleeding and a scan determined she was in fact 21 weeks pregnant and told her the sex (a girl) she said if she was earlier along she would have had an abortion but feels unable to at this stage.

She is due to start uni in September to study nursing, obviously this will have a major impact on her studies. She confided in me and told me she is not ready for a child, not just financially but most importantly, emotionally. She says she doesn't want a child yet and can not visualise her having one. She says she never envisioned having a child in these circumstances and does not feel this is what she wants or that she's ready. She says she feels it is kinder to give the baby to a family who can really support it and want a child.

I told her if she did not want to raise the baby I would raise the baby, she refused and said it would be too hard for her which I accepted and understood. she then told my mother who offered the same thing, she also offered to ensure my sister was financially secure (pay her rent, buy what the baby needs etc) if she kept the baby. She explained to my mum that it wasn't just the financial implications but the fact she does not want a child. My mum started calling her selfish and wicked, saying how can she give away her own child and that she needs to sacrifice her life for this child now. My mum has threatened legal action to enable her to adopt the child herself, she has said if my sister goes through with this then she will be cut out of the family and no one will ever talk to her again.

I understand her and how hard this is for her I just want to do what's best. Aibu for supporting my sister and not my mum?

My sil (who didn't want to have her daughter adopted but was court ordered to, as she was a single parent with extreme MH issues) initially asked us if we could be legal guardians for the baby, but we declined after much thought, as cafcass said she would only be allowed to see her twice a month. It would have been so difficult for her, knowing that her child was being brought up just down the road and not having anything to do with her upbringing. I think your sister is being incredibly sensible, sometimes it's easier for all, including the adopted child, not to have limited contact. Let her talk it through with impartial professionals and come to her final decision, but let her know you support whatever decision she makes. You sound like a lovely sister and she's dealing with a life changing decision. X

I can understand DM being upset at the thought of losing contact with her granddaughter. It doesn't sound as though relationship between DSis and DM will survive this as they're diametrically opposed on a deep emotional level. It sounds like a really sad situation. The welfare of the baby should be paramount above all else. The fact OP you and DM both offered to raise the baby yourselves shows you both love DSis a lot; I have close family (DF is amongst them) who wouldn't sign up to be legal guardians in the event of my death which prevented me as a single person from having IVF. People assume family will just step in, but it's not always the case. It is DSis decision as it's her baby.

You are a marvellous sister, and well done for supporting your sister in what she feels is right for her. That's the best thing you can possibly do and it should make a huge difference to her at a very difficult time.

I think that's a really brave decision if that's what your sister truly wants to do. But it is a massive decision to make. I expect she'll have a lot more time before it has to be final.

As many others have said your being very supportive of the poor girl.

If she does want to give the child up for adoption I know of three couples who have adopted and there're excellent loving parents, and the effect a child has had on their life's has been simply profound:)

Of course you aren't. I can also see how distressing it must be for your mum too though and don't think it's fair for others to judge her. Can't imagine what you all must be going through.

I don't think it's fair to call the mother "toxic". She hasn't covered herself in glory, granted, but you can understand her strength of feeling.

I know if I wanted to put a child up for adoption, I'd face a huge opposition from my family.

roz

Until you posted I hadn't considered that point. OP roz does make a good point about the strength of your mother's feelings towards her grandchild. She has behaved appallingly but she will feel it too.

I am so afraid you ds is making a huge mistake . The psychological fallout from this could stay with her for the rest of her life. There is nothing you can do OP. It is her decision She can defer her training place for nursing if she wants to give herself some more time they will understand these things happen all the time. I so ope this works out well for everyone , this is one of those posts that worry you because you just feel this is so wrong yet nothing can be done to stop her. You see in years to come she may blame you and your mum for not stopping her ....

I can honestly see both sides here, your mother doesn't want her granddaughter given away when she will do everything in her power to help, she's offered financial support and to even raise the child and I don't think you can offer more then that. The thought of my daughter giving away a child when she's older after Iv offered to do anything literally makes me feel sick, I think this is a really sensitive subject and shouldn't be posted in aibu we're some posters can be overly harsh

I think its great that you are supportive of your sister but it might be an idea to encourage her to seek some professional counselling too. What she is going through is absolutely massive and will have lifelong implications for a lot of people.

You are being a lovely sister, she will need support now and once the adoption is completed.

I have seen the person this kind of thing produces in the name of Kenya from Real Housewives of atlanta, your sister is in the right, your mom is a horrible person.

i really feel for your poor sister, she is being put in to a situation which must be hard enough for her without your mum putting alot more pressure on her. your sister needs to do whats right for her, what if she kept the baby then realised that she couldnt do it after everyone bonded with the baby and it made it more difficult. i am not saying this would happen but there are people out there who had a baby and kept it for it to be abused etc due to the fact they blamed the baby for them not having a life! (i know it does happen) someone i know have care of there nephew ( blood related nephew) had him from 6 weeks old and his mum took drugs and drink when pregnant, father in and out of jail, the wee boy is loved to bits from new family and now the 'mother' had another baby for it to be taken away from her at 3 years old. anyway my point is there are alot worse things in the world and if your sister is not ready then be there for her in every way you can, as time goes on she may change her mind, this might just be a shock for her and maybe needs time, if your sister decides she doesnt want to keep the baby it will go to a loving family who probably cant have children of there own who will love the baby. just make sure your sister understands there is no rush to make a decision and if she does go ahead and not keep the baby she may not be able to change her mind later so she needs to be sure what she wants, all the best to your family

no your mum is not horrible , she is just desperate for your ds to avoid doing something that she will possibly regret for the rest of her life

She says she doesn't want a child yet and can not visualise her having one

Well the thing is, she has one. There's no point in indulging this kind of 'I don't want a child' talk because regardless of whether she keeps and raises her daughter or gives her up for adoption, she HAS a child. And very likely one day will have to speak to that child face to face and explain the decisions she is taking now, and in the meantime quite probably live with a lifelong emotional toll. Adopted children don't just disappear off into the ether to be forgotten. It sounds to me really as if she is just in shock and wants to find a way for this to go away, and I think given some time and the realisation that one way or another this is never going away, she might find she feels differently. Try to get your mother not to burn her bridges in the meantime!

Also, as others have said, if she chooses to give up her parental rights she doesn't get a say in who raises her daughter. Kinship care is very well regarded by social services and will probably be their first choice for the baby, before adoption, and your sister does not get any say in that whatsoever.

My sympathies to you. We've been through this with two sisters.
One got pregnant while in university and had the baby adopted. The other sister was older and working when she became pregnant. She was going to have the baby adopted but didn't. As time has gone on, it's been really hard on the first sister wondering where her baby was and what it's life had been like. Thankfully, her child sought to make contact last year and we have all met with the now grownup young person. It was a bittersweet moment when we met-here was someone who was part of our family just as much as the other grandchildren but who had grown up apart from us.
My sister is really happy to have her child back in her life now, but regrets all the years she has missed.
All you can do is be supportive. Tell her that, whatever she decides, you'll be there for her, but be prepared for your own sadness if she does go ahead with adoption; just don't let on to her. I couldn't believe how sad I was to hold my sister's baby and then have to say goodbye.
I know you're finding your mother's attitude unacceptable. However, she is probably aware of what a sad thing adoption can be for the family of the mother of the baby to be adopted. It's a horrible time for you all, and I don't envy you, having been through it myself. Try not to let it destroy your family, though.

For now where does your sister live? Can she come and stay with you? Can you attend her midwife appointments with her? Her midwife would be the best person to start the discussion of adoption with.

You should absolutely support your sister but don't be too harsh on your mum, this is her grandchild. My parents had me very young. I lived with my dad's much older brother and his wife and at the weekend with my grandparents until I was 6. My parents would come see me when they could, holidays etc, and once they got their lives together and finished uni, I went to live with them. I get along very well with all of my family, I never resented my parents and I had a happy childhood. So things can work out very well if there is willingness and family support. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. And whether she wants it or not, she will have a baby and she will be a mum and it's something she's going to have to deal with (as unfair as it might be as clearly her boyfriend doesn't have to go through all of this).

Also, as others have said, if she chooses to give up her parental rights she doesn't get a say in who raises her daughter. Kinship care is very well regarded by social services and will probably be their first choice for the baby, before adoption, and your sister does not get any say in that whatsoever.

Is this true? I know people that are convinced the birth mother thwarted their attempts to adopt a relation's baby.

If a baby or child is removed by SS from the birth mother efforts are made to place the child with a blood relative. This is absolutely not the case when a mother makes the decision to put her baby up for adoption, efforts will be made to place the baby with a suitable family who have been approved for adoption and are waiting for a baby.
Your mother will not be given the opportunity to adopt her granddaughter and will have no rights whatsoever.

It is different when a baby is relinquished rather than removed. But the adoption panel will not approve an adoptive placement if they believe family members may make a legal challenge and instead they may apply to court for a judge to make the decision.
Birth mothers are listened to and their wishes followed where possible but it could happen that the court determine that the grandmother or aunt could be assessed to have the baby.

suesspiciousminds.com/2016/03/03/an-answer-on-relinquished-babies-and-re-b-s/ This might help to explain the way relinquished babies are considered by the courts

@AdalindSchade why would it be considered better for a baby to go to a pregnant woman's close family member? Surely if a woman has made the difficult decision to give up a baby, it should go to someone who is waiting for their own child? If the woman relinquishing the baby wanted her mother to raise it, then surely she would just make her own arrangements.

I would be very surprised if a child relinquished by birth mother (and whose birth father/s family were not involved) was placed with grandparents against her wishes.
Surely SS's role is very different in these cases?

SS have a legal duty to place with family if appropriate when a child is removed. There are often reasons why this is not permitted and grand parent adoption is rare. SGOs are much more common. But relatives often have to really fight to get residency of removed children.

I would think that the mother's wish for the child to be adopted outside the family would be taken into serious consideration. GM in this case would have to fund any court case herself wouldn't she?

I have huge sympathy for the GM (but do not condone her threats). The idea of a grandchild being adopted out is horrible.

But the birth mother's wishes are most important. Hard as that is.