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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To support my sisters decision of adoption

124 replies

sophiade2 · 25/08/2017 20:02

My 18 year old little sister has recently found out she was pregnant, the father wants no involvement. She says she was on the pill so it was not expected at all. She said she took a test after a missed period and assumed she was 6-7 weeks pregnant. She went to the hospital after slight bleeding and a scan determined she was in fact 21 weeks pregnant and told her the sex (a girl) she said if she was earlier along she would have had an abortion but feels unable to at this stage.

She is due to start uni in September to study nursing, obviously this will have a major impact on her studies. She confided in me and told me she is not ready for a child, not just financially but most importantly, emotionally. She says she doesn't want a child yet and can not visualise her having one. She says she never envisioned having a child in these circumstances and does not feel this is what she wants or that she's ready. She says she feels it is kinder to give the baby to a family who can really support it and want a child.

I told her if she did not want to raise the baby I would raise the baby, she refused and said it would be too hard for her which I accepted and understood. she then told my mother who offered the same thing, she also offered to ensure my sister was financially secure (pay her rent, buy what the baby needs etc) if she kept the baby. She explained to my mum that it wasn't just the financial implications but the fact she does not want a child. My mum started calling her selfish and wicked, saying how can she give away her own child and that she needs to sacrifice her life for this child now. My mum has threatened legal action to enable her to adopt the child herself, she has said if my sister goes through with this then she will be cut out of the family and no one will ever talk to her again.

I understand her and how hard this is for her I just want to do what's best. Aibu for supporting my sister and not my mum?

OP posts:
Mulch · 26/08/2017 10:20

I think your very kind to support your sister. I can't imagine it was an easy decision but one which she feels is in the best interests of the baby. Not easy to accept but going through courts will make a bad situation even worse

IDoDaChaCha · 26/08/2017 10:21

Notreallyarsed I agree. Adoptive children are as safe as non adoptive. In this situation OP has a proven family without a history of abuse. Not so with the adoptive side as it's an unknown quantity. In this situation it would be safer for the child to stay within its biological family, from an abuse point of view. Unfortunately many children are not safe. Just because we find the idea of child abuse uncomfortable doesn't mean we can ignore the huge number of children who have been/are being abused. I come from an abusive situation: DM was physically (hitting), mentally (bullying) and emotionally abusive towards me. My family knew and did nothing. I have friends who have suffered horrendous sexual abuse at the hands of family and other people who you should be able to trust (sports coaches etc). Sadly the abuse of children is a problem and very much exists. I did not say a child put up for adoption would definitely be abused. But there is a possibility. And I find it naive when people insist it couldn't happen.

Notreallyarsed · 26/08/2017 10:25

I'm sorry you had such a terrible ordeal IDoDaChaCha, it must have been awful for you. Unfortunately there are no guarantees that any child will be safe, no matter the situation. Whether adopted or not.

IDoDaChaCha · 26/08/2017 10:36

Notreallyarsed we are singing from the same hymn sheet. I count myself very lucky nothing more serious happened to me as I found out as an adult DM had stabbed DF in the stomach when they were married, cut his arms, battered his arms (so nobody could see e.g. not his face) and smashed a glass ashtray over his head. So much worse could have happened. I am also very lucky to have not been through sexual abuse I can't imagine how terrible that is for people who have. Both DM and DF were sexually abused as children. The more we talk about abuse the better it is for children and the worse it is for abusers who thrive in conditions of denial and shame.

Notreallyarsed · 26/08/2017 10:38

I absolutely agree IDoDaChaCha, it should be talked about, it should be something which is confronted head on, and it is something people shouldn't be afraid of bringing to the attention of agencies/professionals who can help.

IDoDaChaCha · 26/08/2017 11:15

Notreallyarsed absolutely. Which is why I pointed out that although delivered insensitively the pp who mentioned abuse is right, it could happen. We don't live in Narnia, real life can be tragic.

Notreallyarsed · 26/08/2017 11:52

I think in the context of putting someone off adoption it's a bit questionable, but I do agree that there are no guarantees and the sooner the abuse of children becomes something openly discussed/prevented/confronted the better!

IDoDaChaCha · 26/08/2017 13:00

Notreallyarsed when making a decision as big as whether to give up a baby for adoption it's best to be aware of everything. I'm sure the OP's sister is intelligent enough to take all the information and make an informed decision. Denying that abuse can occur in adoptive families isn't sensible. Pp may have not worded it eloquently but that doesn't make it any less possible.

JayneAusten · 26/08/2017 15:45

if she decides to give her baby's up for adoption, it is selfless and mature...with giving a baby to a family who can't have their own children

Some very naive people on this thread. There is nothing 'selfless' about giving away a baby because you don't want it to mess up the way you'd thought your life would go. It's entirely selfish. This view helps to build up an idea that birth mums who relinquish babies are martyrs and are treated as such. They're really not.

OP you can offer your sister emotional support without helping her to build up a false picture of decision she's about to make as anything but filled with pain.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 26/08/2017 16:11

I think the baby has to come first. I would think the baby has better chances being raised in a loving birth family than being adopted. No way would I want to trust a child of mine to the care system.

I would think it would be a better outcome for your sister too. I would imagine the number of people who look at their toddler and wish they had had them adopted are vanishingly rare compared to the number of people who look at a random toddler and wish they had kept their own.

Mamahanji · 26/08/2017 16:17

What a wonderful sister you are! Your mother is being selfish in a very very difficult time for your sister. Your sister is doing something amazing and giving the gift of a baby to someone. She is also doing something very very hard and having a sister like you there with unwavering support will surely help

Queenofthedrivensnow · 26/08/2017 20:27

Your mother is nuts. She won't get the baby through the courts either. I hope you and your sister are ok. I think she is very brace

Italiangreyhound · 26/08/2017 21:18

dumbledore345 "Unless there are huge problems with the extended family, it will always be in the child's best interests to be brought up by their biological family. If there are options either with you, perhaps your DM and/or the father's family the child will grow up happier and more stable than they will be if they are placed for adoption with strangers."

Very interested in this view, can you point to research on this, please?

Italiangreyhound · 26/08/2017 21:41

How are you feeling OP.

Hope all is well.

There are some fascinating stories on here if you look through the threads. A couple of stories of women who wanted to have their child adopted and changed their minds.

dumbledore345 · 28/08/2017 09:05

@Italiangreyhound

www.psychiatrictimes.com/articles/adoption-and-mental-illness

This is one example. There are others. Look also at studies on people adopted in UK up until the 1970s. These were usually healthy infants placed for adoption as a result of social pressure rather than neglect/abuse. Much greater incidence of mental health problems, depression etc than among the general population.

Millions of years of evolution have gone into children being cared for by biological parents/kinship groups. How many parents of non adopted children would think their children would have been as well off or better off being placed with strangers at birth?

I am talking here about children being placed for reasons of social pressure/lifestyle choice not about children who have suffered neglect and abuse by the bilogical parents - though I think those children would also grow up more stable if they could be cared for safely within the kinship group.

dumbledore345 · 28/08/2017 09:10

This is a more detailed description of the same study

jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/379446

SandyBeachandtheDeckchairs · 28/08/2017 09:37

This thread has haunted me for the last few days. Your sister is in an impossible position OP, and will have to live with her decision for life. As PP have said, it is not possible for the baby to just disappear and for your sister's life to go on as normal, so the only option she has is IMHO is to do the least damaging thing for her and the baby longterm. I'm sure it's not quite what you will want to hear, but I think being brought up by your mother or within your family is the best bet, for all of the reasons Dumbledore states and just for the baby to know that although their biological mum couldn't be the textbook mum of story books, s/he was loved by their family and everyone pitched in.
Thankfully I am not a judge in the family courts or a social worker, so you can completely ignore me, but that would be my opinion. Sorry your sister is going through this it's an awful decision to make.

SandyBeachandtheDeckchairs · 28/08/2017 09:55

I guess what I'm trying to say, is what decision will your sis, her child and your family regret the least in 18 years time.

Owlettecatboy · 28/08/2017 10:04

You are a wonderful sister op. Flowers

I'm sorry if I've missed it, but all things considered is there a reason she can't terminate? I know full well what's involved at this stage(I've lost 2 babies at a similar gestation) it will be horrible for her, but in the circumstances it might be best for her? Sorry if I've been insensitive but I just feel so sorry for your poor sister and the pressure your mum is putting on her is just so sad .

Italiangreyhound · 29/08/2017 00:21

dumbledore I think that there are certainly issues with children not being brought up by their birth parents, and not within their social context etc.

However the study mentions ADHD and as far as I know ADHD tends to run in families and, in most cases, it's thought the genes you inherit from your parents are a significant factor in developing the condition. So this is not something that comes via adoption but via genes and would be the same regardless of living in an adopted or birth family.

Likewise, again, depression is mentioned and "A British research team recently isolated a gene that appears to be prevalent in multiple family members with depression. The chromosome 3p25-26 was found in more than 800 families with recurrent depression. Scientists believe that as many as 40 percent of those with depression can trace it to a genetic link. Environmental and other factors make up the other 60 percent.

www.healthline.com/health/depression/genetic#overview1

So some factors will not be about experiences. I am not meaning to down play the significance of experiences, as I think they can be vastly important.

I am actually very much in favour of children staying with birth parents, if they can cope and want to, and with wider family where this is in the child's best interests.

PinkMoony · 07/09/2017 23:35

ADHD is also hard to distinguish from attachment disorder though, which is very common in adopted children

Osirus · 07/09/2017 23:58

I hope she changes her mind. She will regret it. At her age, she really has no idea.

Giving up a baby is not brave or selfless. She's not doing it for the baby, just for her own wants. That baby exists now, and she should take responsibility.

If and when she has more children, she will realise what an awful mistake this is.

TheFirstMrsDV · 08/09/2017 07:20

My Threads I am On has not been working so its frustrating that I didn't get a chance to respond this this infuriating interpretation of my posts earlier.

I'm not sure why people have this perception that those who relinquish children are treated as self-sacrificing and noble and have their wishes granted?
Wtf?

When a child has been neglected/abused to such and extent that they are finally removed by the state OR a mother has failed spectacularly to keep so many of her children safe over the years that she has got to the point that her newborn has been removed...

are you really suggesting that the role of the state in adoption is the same as when a healthy, cared for baby is relinquished by a mother making a considered decision?

Nonsense.

This has nothing to do with thinking families relinquishing babies are 'noble'. Ludicrous comment.

Even when a child is removed the wishes of the mother ARE taken into consideration when it comes to placing with relatives.
If they threaten to kick up enough fuss and cause enough trouble SS may well decided not to recommend the placement to the courts and they prospective carers would have to prove that they are able to manage this conflict well enough to prevent further harm being done to the child.

If that wasn't the case the process would be a whole lot simpler for kinship carers and I can tell you from experience that is certainly isn't simple.

Hope that helps to clear up any further chance of grossly misrepresenting my views on the subject.

clippityclock · 08/09/2017 07:59

Very difficult situation. I would like to say though that there are plenty of student nurses with young families studying nursing so she will still be able to do this, especially with help from her family.

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