To support my sisters decision of adoption

[sophiade2]

My 18 year old little sister has recently found out she was pregnant, the father wants no involvement. She says she was on the pill so it was not expected at all. She said she took a test after a missed period and assumed she was 6-7 weeks pregnant. She went to the hospital after slight bleeding and a scan determined she was in fact 21 weeks pregnant and told her the sex (a girl) she said if she was earlier along she would have had an abortion but feels unable to at this stage.

She is due to start uni in September to study nursing, obviously this will have a major impact on her studies. She confided in me and told me she is not ready for a child, not just financially but most importantly, emotionally. She says she doesn't want a child yet and can not visualise her having one. She says she never envisioned having a child in these circumstances and does not feel this is what she wants or that she's ready. She says she feels it is kinder to give the baby to a family who can really support it and want a child.

I told her if she did not want to raise the baby I would raise the baby, she refused and said it would be too hard for her which I accepted and understood. she then told my mother who offered the same thing, she also offered to ensure my sister was financially secure (pay her rent, buy what the baby needs etc) if she kept the baby. She explained to my mum that it wasn't just the financial implications but the fact she does not want a child. My mum started calling her selfish and wicked, saying how can she give away her own child and that she needs to sacrifice her life for this child now. My mum has threatened legal action to enable her to adopt the child herself, she has said if my sister goes through with this then she will be cut out of the family and no one will ever talk to her again.

I understand her and how hard this is for her I just want to do what's best. Aibu for supporting my sister and not my mum?

I'm worried for your sister, should she go ahead with the adoption. She may feel exceptionally differently in a few short years, but the decision is irreversible.

A life of intermittent heartache and regret is a real possibility for her.

While I wouldn't support your mum's bullying words (though I understand where they are coming from) I think the best way to support your sister is to urge her to think about what she'll want and need for her whole long life, as much as what she wants now.

Good luck to you all x

sophiade2 you sound very sensible and kind and you are 100% right to support your sister.

I've read all your posts and as many of the others as I can. I've got a birth daughter and adopted son and understand a bit about relinquishment because I know a couple of people who adopted relinquished babies.

I think it is fair to say that social services will be most interested in the baby's needs, that there is never an automatic right to adopt a child so anyone who wishes to adopt this child would need to satisfy social services. If your sister knows or thinks her mum (your mum) to not be a fit parent she will need to tell social services.

The law does seem very confusing on relinquished babies. With children who are removed family are looked into first, with relinquished babies I am not sure it is quite so simple.

I think it is very important for your sister to really think this one through. I have little doubt that a healthy new baby will have very little problems in terms of being adopted and may well have a fabulous and happy life. Yes, they will need to come to terms with being relinquished and this can be very hard for some children.

Your sister, however, may deeply regret her decision when she is older. She will lose control of this in the sense that she may never see her child again. At the moment, this is presumably what she wants, but that may change.

It may be useful for her to work out why she wants the baby adopted out of the family. How genuinely feasible you or your mother's 'offers' to adopt are. (I am saying 'offers' because until you are assessed you would not know if you could offer it).

From the sound of it you or your mum could bring the baby up as your own and your sister would have a relationship with the baby as a 'niece' or 'sister'. Although you would need to be totally honest about the biological relationships for the sake of the child. Or potentially your mum could facilitate your sister bringing up the baby herself.

One of my relatives had a baby at 18, her parents helped a lot and all ended well.

Giving away a child is not a selfless kind act to some unknown family who will treasure it. Please do not encourage your sister to think about the people who may adopt her child and see this act as some sort of benevolence.

Your sister must 100% do what is right for her, IMHO. If she decides she does feel emotionally, mentally and physically ready to parent the child she must not think of giving her up because she may have a better life elsewhere. We just don't know how well her life may turn out, if her birth mum can cope, well, with help, this may well be best for the baby, IMHO.

However, if she honestly feels unable to parent the child, then she should be looking at other options. However, I would say this is a last resort.

Whether your mother is kind or not as a person generally, I do not know.

What she has said is harsh and wrong, putting pressure on her daughter. However, she may not just be thinking of herself, she may not just be thinking of her granddaughter. She may be thinking of her daughter and realizing what a monumental thing this is.

If your sister does choose adoption and it ends up being outside the family, please do encourage your sister to go for the most open form of adoption she can, at least letterbox contact with the adopters. Again this will not be something she can ultimately 'control' but if she is willing to write to the adopters and have limited contact this may make things easier in the long run.

Just be there for her. Encourage an openness if possible. You are doing your best, I am glad she has you. In terms of your mum, be kind to her too, try and stop it being Mum verses your sister. Both women are probably very scared but ultimately your sister has the right to choose to relinquish.

notaclooo "I have a friend who had a child adopted when she was a teenager. She genuinely believed it was the right thing at the time but the decision has really haunted her. Her birth son is now 18 and she is desperate for him to come forward to meet her. She doesn't want to instigate anything herself in case it is disruptive for him but she always says that she feels a part of her is 'missing.'"

I am sure your friend knows but a letter can be left on his records so that if he does choose to find her, he can.

Unfortunately. I believe some children who have been adopted do not start looking as soon as they turn 18, they seem to wait until later in life, some things may prompt them such as having a child themselves or losing a parent etc. That's what I have heard.

Personally, I hope (adult) children will look for birth parents but children may worry that they will be met with rejection.

There is a charity called After adoption, they may be able to help.

www.afteradoption.org.uk/

I don't have a clue how adoption works in the UK, but if your sister is certain that she doesn't want the child adopted by a relative, can she refuse to give SS the details of any family members so as to ensure the baby goes to another family?

I'm guessing SS would have access to records of Sister's relatives, but if she refuse to release the information herself, surely that would impress on SS that she really wants the baby to go to another family?

@Ttbb Does your sister not realise that the baby could end up going to a family of pedos or religious fanatics? Did you mean to be so offensive?

Perhaps my views are coloured by the fact that my sister is adopted. She traced her birth parents later but will freely tell you that our parents are Mum and Dad, her birth parents are no more than that.
And when she traced them her birth mother was not particularly interested. The one she built a really good relationship with was her birth father's mother.

Surely your starting point should be the best interests of the child.

Unless there are huge problems with the extended family, it will always be in the child's best interests to be brought up by their biological family. If there are options either with you, perhaps your DM and/or the father's family the child will grow up happier and more stable than they will be if they are placed for adoption with strangers.

Your sister must have been so shocked. As is your mum I'm sure.

Keep being their for her x

The days of people raising their grandchildren and telling everyone they are their child are long gone. If the grandmother or aunt raises this baby they will make sure the baby has a clear life story narrative and share it in an age appropriate way.
There may be some contact for the birth mum and the baby but only if the birth mum wishes.
The impact on the relationship between the birth mum and the family member who wants to take the child is often the reason why these arrangements don't go ahead. But plenty of grandparents choose their grandchild over their own child if it's a choice between that or adoption out of the family.

Interestingly a birth mum can't be compelled by the courts to share the name of the birth father but that probably only applies if she's never told anybody. If they were in a relationship then there is a precedent for family life and he would probably have to be told about the adoption

id keep trying to discuss.i can imagine this is all so raw.and to be further along than she though might also bring rushed feeling and decisions.gien the time might she have changed her mind and wanted or been able to keep the baby?its lots more feeling of pressure I imagine to make a decision
whatever though you are being amazing for supporting her.please keep on doing so.
don't judge your mum too harshly.im sure for her too this is huuuuge shock and she will be scared and confued too.rightly or wrongly she will be acting on that flight or fight mode too.
its going to be hard but youll need to maybe be a mediator here.
but let your sis know first and foremost someone in her corner.i cant imagine how alone and scared she feels bless her.
and I'm sure her thoughts will be back and forth loads from now.so allow this and let her know she can voice anything she is feeling.
this is a big job for you too hun so make sure your ok.
but your being wonderful to be there.she will need help hearing all sides of the arugments I'm sure.be honest but be kind I guess.
such a huge decision I'm so sorry for you all.
id love for her to have it and be happy how life has now gone.but if she cant this will hurt and be hard too.just be there is all you can doxx

@Ttbb Does your sister not realise that the baby could end up going to a family of pedos or religious fanatics?

I am actually astounded at your utter fucking stupidity. Jesus wept

OP you sound incredibly supportive of your sister which is wonderful because if she sticks with this decision, it's hard, very hard BUT if she is sure about it (and she certainly sounds like she has her head screwed on) then I know of three people who relinquished their babies at birth, out of the three, two had their baby adopted by family and one from an outside family.

One of them that had their baby adopted by family (she was v young and felt v talked into it-not the adoption but the family member adopting) and it's hard. She still stands by the adoption but does wish that the child went to a family outside hers as it is just incredibly hard for her to see them and watch them grow up but can't be a part of their life at all, she's distanced herself from her family which is very hard but it's the only way she felt she could deal with seeing him all the time.

The other two are both very happy with their choices

I think it's really important here to keep in mind your mother's pain and suffering too. It's wonderful you are being so supportive of your sister - but have you also had an honest chat with her where you ask her to look at what would happen if she regrets her decision?

It must be agonising for your mum - I cannot imagine the pain of my own daughter giving away a child I was happy to look after and support as part of the family. I think it would destroy me - so it really is awful to see so many people here attack the mother.

ONe wise poster said - your sister wants to 'not' have a baby - but the baby will be there - will be real, whatever she decides.

I think you should ask your sister to really consider allowing family to support her/ look after the baby - not push her to decide that, just make sure she thinks it through.

is there a chance you could all get counselling together?

I had two close friends who had babies adopted because of family pressure to do so. Both regretted it, one especially so and had an awful time each year on the child's birth date. Another handed the baby over (her decision, planned all along) but a week later changed her mind and brought her daughter up. A girl I had taught got pregnant in her first year of uni. Kept the baby, completed her degree, went on to marry a lovely man and had further children. As a teenager myself a girl in my class had her baby brought up by her mother.

On the other side I have family and friends who've adopted, the most recent a relinquished baby. This scenario is the least problematic in terms of adjustments and having a happy and successful adoption. My ex colleague and her husband are amazing parents and their ds is a happy, well adjusted, little boy.

Your sister is still in shock, she wasn't planning to get pregnant and then finds out she's half way through. She will need some time to get her head around it. From the experience I've had with friends and family, and what I now know about the impact of adoption from both sides, I would still say that being brought up within a loving birth family is the best long term option for everyone - with full acknowledgement of who the birth mother is. Yes, your sister will find it hard - but not knowing where the baby is, or how it is really getting on, totally haunted one of my friends. If she could have gone back and changed things she certainly would have.

Does your sister not realise that the baby could end up going to a family of pedos or religious fanatics?

This may have been worded insensitively but it is true. There is always a chance a child could end up in an abusive situation. We can't be so naive as to think it could never happen. People with paedophilic tendencies do their utmost to be near children, in any capacity. If paedophilia is rife in the care system it also stands to reason it can happen in adoptive parent situations as well. Just because the vast majority of adoptive parents will be absolutely fine it doesn't mean there aren't people out there trying to manipulate the system to their own agenda.

Relinquishing a child for adoption is not some happy ever after fairytale.

I have adopted two children and they carry a great deal of sadness inside them. Their biggest fear is that their birth mother gave them away (she didn't, they were removed) because they weren't "good enough" to be kept and loved and nurtured by her.

Courts will put the child's best interests above the birth mother.

Right now your sister doesn't want you or your mum to raise her daughter. Presumably because she would be faced by the child she relinquished and feel guilt or shame, or have to answer difficult questions.

As a PP stated, children do better if raised in their extended family. Your sister is not making a selfless gift of a child to a childless loving couple, she's wanting her child to be disadvantaged to protect herself from the guilt of giving her away. She wants to put some distance between herself and her "mistake", which is understandable, it's human nature, but there's a real child involved here.

Adoption is not benign, it's really tough for children to grow up knowing that they are adopted.

I really hope she changes her mind. I had a baby one year into my student nurse training in 1983, I was only 21 and quite immature for my age.
I could not give my baby up when he came, I kept him went down a year at nursing college as it was then. It was hard but we managed ok, he is 25 now and my absolute best friend.
My friend who was also pregnant at the same time had hers adopted and has regretted it for the rest of her life, her daughter never contacted her.
I have had a wonderfil career in the NHS spanning 35 years and I'm so happy I kept my son, I didn't have any more children.
So you miss out on night clubbing and partying, big deal. I'd sooner have my baby. They soon make you grow up.

He's 35 now not 25!

@IDoDaChaCha do you have any idea about the vetting and matching process for adoption in this country? Hint: very unlikely that those wishing to abuse a child would make it through the process. Not helpful to speculate in this way!

I think this discussion is not helpful as people keep muddling adoption where a child is relinquished and where it is decided by courts that the mother cannot keep the child. It seems obvious that kinship adoption might work best where a woman wants to but is unable to raise a child (eg drugs/alcohol)- then there can potentially still be contact and the child does not risk feeling 'rejected' by birth mother, and the life story can be clear and open. Where a child is relinquished, at birth, the child cangrow up knowing that they WERE loved by the birth mother, who made a decison in the child's best interests.

Thanks Italian - yes she has written a letter making it very clear that she would love to meet him.

italian that last message was from me - for some reason NC keeps failing on this thread

Adoption is not benign, it's really tough for children to grow up knowing that they are adopted

That isn't true in every case, it's different for everyone. I know people who struggled massively with it (usually the ones who found out later). I've always known, my brother has always known, and we never struggled with it. Because we were loved. The only time it's been an issue is when my brother's bastard of a bio dad tried to contact him the week our mum came home to die. That was traumatic. But being adopted wasn't.

Sounds like your sister has thought about it carefully and you are right to support her. Would she consider an open adoption so your mum could see the baby?

she's wanting her child to be disadvantaged to protect herself from the guilt of giving her away

I'll be sure to tell my adopted cousin that she was disadvantaged by being raised by two loving, stable (adopted) parents rather than the bio mother who still didn't have her life together 22 years after relinquishing her baby/my cousin (when cousin met her bio mum). The bio mother definitely had/has her faults, but she can admit that the one thing she did do right was placing her baby for adoption so she'd have a better start in life than bio mum could ever give her.

reetgood it may not be the adoptive family but someone close to them. You can't discount that it's possible. If abuse were impossible it wouldn't go on.

IDoDaChaCha by that reckoning, no child is safe. When a child is born, unless there are concerns, not everyone in their life is vetted. It's no more likely than in a non adoptive household.