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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In wanting 50/50 share of DPs house? In his name only.

160 replies

Runningsheila · 25/08/2017 16:40

I've lived with my boyfriend for 7 years now, at first paying him a contribution to his mortgage. Then we had a child together who has medical needs (now aged 5) so I haven't been able to work and might only have part time in the future.

We were supposed to get married... live the dream etc! But now splitting up.

But you've guessed it all went a bit wrong, with my boyfriend getting cold feet early on and we've never really recovered from his lack of commitment. Of course I wish we'd married before having the baby, the baby happened a bit quickly! I was naive as we were all set to marry but had to wait for his divorce... which took longer than expected and then life got crazy.

Now I feel very vulnerable. My boyfriend is a decent man, did the right thing and gave his ex wife a good settlement on divorce. However, he doesn't seem to be wanting to do the same with me. There isn't much equity in the house, as much went to his wife, however I do feel that I should have a 50/50 share on what is left as it is what has built up since I lived there. I feel more strongly as it might be much more unlikely now that I'll get a mortgage as I may be looking at part time care for years and years for our young son. BF will give me maintenance but what about - house and pensions?

OP posts:
Gorgosparta · 25/08/2017 16:42

You can hope. But you are not legally entitled to half the house and pensions.

Even if you were married for 7 years you may not get part of his pension.

I am sorry this has happened.

expatinscotland · 25/08/2017 16:42

You need to seek legal advise. Your situation is complicated as you were never married and you have a child with special needs. It's always a mistake to jack in FT work if you have to rely financially on someone you are not married to, however. Sad, but true.

NaNaNaNaBatmum · 25/08/2017 16:43

I'm afraid and sorry to say that it doesn't work in our favour. The same thing happened with my EX, everything was in his name and he now owns a house, has luxury holidays and hardly sees his children.

I live in a council house, haven't been on holiday in 10 years and both my children have complex needs. The only thing I get from him is maintenance.

I hope it turns out better for you OP.

HoHoHoHo · 25/08/2017 16:43

I think that if he isn't prepared to share his assets with you he also needs to go part time to do 50% of the childcare. You are in a vulnerable position and are effectively providing him with free child care so he can build up his assets.

JulietNeverMetRomeo · 25/08/2017 16:44

Didn't want to read and run I'm no expert but unfortunately if you aren't married I don't believe you would be legally entitled to the house or his pension, no doubt he learnt this after his first divorce and was probably the reason he didn't marry you. Other posters might have more knowledge or experience of this and might be able to offer more advice. I think you should plan as though you won't get anything and see a solicitor.

5rivers7hills · 25/08/2017 16:45

Suggest you go back tim work ASAP and look for 50/50 residency. Probably your best hope of being financially sound.

Otherwise you're going to end up a full time career (poor)

SenatorBunghole · 25/08/2017 16:46

You're NBU to want it, but you're not necessarily going to be able to get it.

RonSwansonsMoustache · 25/08/2017 16:53

YANBU to want it, but I highly doubt you'll get it.

Unfortunately this is what happens when people rush in and have babies without getting married and sorting out legal protection for themselves and their children. Marriage is not "just a piece of paper" and it doesn't have to be a big expensive wedding either, which I think puts a lot of people off.

I've seen this happen so many times, and while others will come and say it's unfair and that you should get a share of his house etc. in my eyes if you want that protection, you need to get married, or at the very least go and sort out protection for your children's sakes.

Your boyfriend may be generous and offer you some money for a house or flat, but he's not obliged to give you anything other than maintenance.

Original poster
Runningsheila · 25/08/2017 16:58

Thanks, it is a bit dire... I had to give up full time work after our child was born because I couldn't go back to the hours. I did get some legal advice but I'm not sure how good it was, she just said that it was unlikely but I might be able to contest for a small share but it sounded complicated and costly.

My ex boyfriend is adamant that 'he'll look after us' but without anywhere to live this has not come about. He also said he'd move out while we separated but went to live with his brother which didn't last long and he's back again. Being a perfect boyfriend but no substantial plan of action.

He won't go part time - but suggested his older daughter could look after our child to give me time to work. However this is really awkward as she is in no way able to look after him effectively or safely - but he can't really see that. Our child needs someone mature and on the ball, and she has dropped out of college, and used to forget to check stair gates etc when I trailed leaving her for 20 mins. So I stopped.

Also, I moved to be where he lives, miles from my support systems. So my only way out is to move us a long way away which is obviously a bit crap all around. Feeling totally trapped to be honest!

OP posts:
StillDrivingMeBonkers · 25/08/2017 17:02

No way I would be giving 50% of anything I owned, away without good reason.

Original poster
Runningsheila · 25/08/2017 17:05

And yes I did really want to get married. I wanted protection for all of us and was totally naive to think that waiting for a few months was OK. It's a long story but we both agreed that we wanted kids and marriage before I moved in with him. We were told by a doctor that getting pregnant would take a long time for us too.

I had an offer of another job, a really good one, back where I'm from so we made a kind of 'make or break' decision on our relationship a year earlier than I would have liked (which would have meant divorce through and we were married before moving in together).

It's easy in hindsight to think I shouldn't have carried on with our plans without a ring on my finger - I honestly never thought he would get cold feet or leave me so little security.

A lesson to us all!

OP posts:
Familylawsolicitor · 25/08/2017 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Runningsheila · 25/08/2017 17:08

Still I guess I feel that I have contributed to our family home - that though on paper he is on the deeds I am not a lodger. I paid into this house as much as he has for 7 years.

If it was him staying at home looking after our child and me paying the mortgage - would it then be 100% mine instead?

I'm not really interested in car or his savings. Just not to left in the crap.

OP posts:
RonSwansonsMoustache · 25/08/2017 17:11

Unfortunately break-ups often show people's true colours. People can talk about providing for you until the cows come home, but marriage is really the only way to guarantee that, sadly.

Have you asked him where he expects you and his child to live, and pay for that home, given that you no longer work (in order to care for HIS medically ill child). He's not willing to go part-time, but is he willing to at least give you a deposit for a flat so you can move out and perhaps look into claiming benefits etc?

Original poster
Runningsheila · 25/08/2017 17:11

Thanks familylaw He did say a couple of times that he would have put my name on jointly but that he was advised by a solicitor that as it was a big mortgage (not much equity at the moment) it was unlikely the mortgage company would put my name on. That's what he said.

And then when asked again he just evades the question and says that he'll give me maintenance and also says his daughter can look after our child if I need time to work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Runningsheila · 25/08/2017 17:15

Ron He says that I could stay with my mother or that I could use my savings (small amount) for a deposit. I'm hanging on to my savings for my dear life as I have nothing else, however if I have to use them I will.

He also says that I can stay on in the house and he won't kick me out - but he has 'tried' to leave twice and says he can't afford rent elsewhere so only stayed places temporarily and came back.

I'm tired. I did try to look for places to rent myself. However when I talked to them they wouldn't take me on as I had no income and I have no idea about benefits but would really like not to have to rely on these if I can help it.

OP posts:
Gorgosparta · 25/08/2017 17:17

If it was him staying at home looking after our child and me paying the mortgage - would it then be 100% mine instead?

I'm not really interested in car or his savings. Just not to left in the crap.

It depends on whose name is on it. If yiu could prove only you paid it, you would have a claim. But one that would be very costly to pursue.

You say you dont want his savings, but have asked about pensions. Which is essentially the same.

I know no one thinks this will happen to them at the time and it seems unfair.

BeyondThePage · 25/08/2017 17:17

if there is not much equity in the house - 50% of not a lot is .... not a lot.

(if the house were to suddenly be in negative equity would you take 50% of that? With Brexit coming up, who knows what the future may bring.)

Lucysky2017 · 25/08/2017 17:18

So he is an ex and are you still living together? If you are in Scotland the law is different from England but assuming not Scotland then it is pretty much correct above. It sounds as if there is no much equity in the house anyway so not getting a share of that or the massive mortgage liabilities on it might be a blessing in disguise. I don't know why you not him gave up work when the child came! How did you decide that? I would not have given up full time work.

Gorgosparta · 25/08/2017 17:19

Op the only way you wont have to rely 9n benefits is if you get well paid full time work. That doesnt sound likely i yiur circumstances.

Even if married, unless hevis a very higher earner or has loads of assests you would probably nees to work

Viviennemary · 25/08/2017 17:19

How much equity is in the house. Perhaps it's not enough to fight over. But your partner doesn't sound committed to a long term relationship with his dithering about getting married and promises that come to nothing. Do you want to stay with him and try and make it work or do you want to leave. I think that's what you need to decide. If you can't decide then stay a bit longer and see how things go.

expatinscotland · 25/08/2017 17:20

Stay where you are. He can move into another room and see how he likes carrying on like that. He's thoroughly done a number on you.

AdalindSchade · 25/08/2017 17:23

You need to look into benefits pronto. I can't imagine how you think you will manage without them if your xp has barely any equity and you can't work full time.

Your best bet is to get him to pay 6 months rent up front then get your claims for housing benefit, tax credits and income support in. Assume you have DLA for your son?

Allthebestnamesareused · 25/08/2017 17:23

Legally you're entitled to nothing. The contribution to the mortgage will be looked upon as your rent.

If you had paid for improvements such as an extension you might be entitled to a share buy you haven't.

You are not entitled to anything from him other than child maintenance.

Sorry to be blunt but that is the legal position and if he doesn't want to pay anything in addition to that he won't have to.

It amazes me how many people leave themselves in such a vulnerable position. Has he agreed a child maintenance amount or are you going to have to pursue him through CMS? Have you checked what he'd have to pay using their calculator?

NannyRed · 25/08/2017 17:25

7 years together, not his wife and you want half?
So with the half he gives you and the half he gave to his ex wife the poor bloke works for sweet fuck all.
What makes you think you should be entitled to half his house after 7 years? I'm not kidding when I say I have make up older than your " relationship "