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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In wanting 50/50 share of DPs house? In his name only.

160 replies

Runningsheila · 25/08/2017 16:40

I've lived with my boyfriend for 7 years now, at first paying him a contribution to his mortgage. Then we had a child together who has medical needs (now aged 5) so I haven't been able to work and might only have part time in the future.

We were supposed to get married... live the dream etc! But now splitting up.

But you've guessed it all went a bit wrong, with my boyfriend getting cold feet early on and we've never really recovered from his lack of commitment. Of course I wish we'd married before having the baby, the baby happened a bit quickly! I was naive as we were all set to marry but had to wait for his divorce... which took longer than expected and then life got crazy.

Now I feel very vulnerable. My boyfriend is a decent man, did the right thing and gave his ex wife a good settlement on divorce. However, he doesn't seem to be wanting to do the same with me. There isn't much equity in the house, as much went to his wife, however I do feel that I should have a 50/50 share on what is left as it is what has built up since I lived there. I feel more strongly as it might be much more unlikely now that I'll get a mortgage as I may be looking at part time care for years and years for our young son. BF will give me maintenance but what about - house and pensions?

OP posts:
Original poster
Runningsheila · 25/08/2017 17:25

Thanks all. All this advice helps, even just to clarify that my options are limited.

I gave up work because a) I was better at dealing with our child (I hope that doesn't sound horrible, I don't want to give lots away but I have a lot of expertise in this area) and b) he earns way more than me and is supporting a couple of older children too.

At the time I was just grateful at being supported as otherwise our child would have had to wait for services that I could provide and it has helped our child massively.

I have spent the last 3 years trying to make it work. Really putting the effort in. Dragged him to counselling the works. It did help. But in the end he ended things without discussion so there's little I can do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Runningsheila · 25/08/2017 17:27

Nanny if he has worked for 20 years to pay for the house - then of course I wouldn't be after that money. He was in negative equity soon after I met him as he did give his wife half. So to me we were starting as equal partners - both contributing the house. If I wasn't there he'd have to pay for childcare.

OP posts:
Boulshired · 25/08/2017 17:28

If there is none to little equity there is nothing to share, how will you pay the mortgage if he does leave? It is so difficult with a child who needs extra care.

Original poster
Runningsheila · 25/08/2017 17:30

Others are right...

There isn't much money in the house at the moment, but it would have been enough to pay for a few months rent and deposit and got me started.

However, apart from asking for a deposit there isn't much legally I can do except start again.

I think I need to move back to where I can get a little support from friends etc, and just tough out the first months and year or so until I can get our child into stable schooling and me onto earning again. Hopefully get us out of any benefits with time.

OP posts:
RonSwansonsMoustache · 25/08/2017 17:31

Sadly, I don't think you'll get anywhere unless you go down the route of claiming benefits. He could kick you out tomorrow if he wanted - it's his house, not yours. You're not entitled to any of his property, so I would honestly start planning on what you're going to do next.

You can't rely on him letting you stay there forever. He's not going to want to live with his ex-girlfriend forever, so you need to have a plan in action. Can you get an evening/weekend job and build up some savings and so you have an income? Or can you move in with your mum for a while (again, this could give you a chance to save).

Unfortunately, in your position (unmarried, not working and with a disabled child) you're probably not going to get anywhere without relying on benefits, at least in the short term.

Original poster
Runningsheila · 25/08/2017 17:33

I know boul -hence him coming back as he can't afford the mortgage and rent for himself. I really appreciate everyone posting on here. Hope I'm not being too weak but it made me feel a bit emotional just having strangers who are bothered to respond. I've been feeling pretty low with it all as I gave up a lot and assumed a lot. I feel I've been a bit stupid.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 25/08/2017 17:34

What is social housing like in your area? Could you use your impending homelessness to apply? You might get priority if you have a child with additional needs and it would give you a secure home in your name.

Original poster
Runningsheila · 25/08/2017 17:35

stitch it's pretty bad in this area, the social housing. :-(

I can't believe that a few years ago I had a reasonable, professional job, my own pension and independence. And now it's totally changed.

OP posts:
DailyMailReadersAreThick · 25/08/2017 17:36

Does he actually want you to leave the house? It sounds like the sensible thing is for you to become roommates. It'll become a problem when one of you meets someone else, but one thing at a time...

Ttbb · 25/08/2017 17:39

Contrary to what people are saying you do have an entitlement in equity but you would have to see a lawyer to work out what it is.

RonSwansonsMoustache · 25/08/2017 17:41

Thing is - seeing a lawyer costs money and there's no guarantee you'd get anywhere at the end of it. I think it's very difficult to prove you've been paying towards the mortgage and not just rent/living costs to the extent that you get your money back.

lifeinthecountry · 25/08/2017 17:50

Honestly it sounds like 50% of not much, even if he agreed. The best bet may be to go back to where you have some support, as you suggest, then apply for social housing there. At least you'll be able to see a way forward then rather than feeling trapped, as now.

I was in a very similar situation about 25 yrs ago (except 3 children, one only a few weeks old, but no medical needs) - my ex agreed to give me several thousand in exchange for moving out, signing a form saying I had no interest in his house and signing away my interest in our previously shared business. Maybe you could negotiate something like that with him, if he's keen to get things moving, he'll probably agree?

You also need to prepare yourself that he might be more awkward about paying maintenance than he says now.

Original poster
Runningsheila · 25/08/2017 17:57

The house was in negative equity when I moved in. And now it's accumulated about 30-50,000 I estimate in equity. To me 15,000 would have paid rent for a year so that I could get on my feet. My savings are 10,000 so perhaps I'm best just using that, but having a conversation first to say that a solid amount of money would really help. I'll have to get established.

Have been feeling like I'm living as room mates for a year now, and I just can't seem to move on emotionally like this. Probably because I didn't want it to end. Plus I have a constant thing in the back of my mind that this isn't my home. Even painting the downstairs and putting up pictures this summer - just felt a bit crap. It's not mine.

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 25/08/2017 18:07

So you've got 10 grand in savings, you've been enjoying the financial benefits of living with a partner paying cheaper rent and you still think he owes you?

Having a child with someone doesn't entitle you the fathers worldly goods Hmm

You were complicit in all decisions made so you are personally responsible and not a 'victim' like you're making out to be.

Use some of the money you've saved for your deposit and rent.
You don't need to pay upfront for a year as you'll be entitled to benefits and your rent will be covered Hmm

annielouise · 25/08/2017 18:19

I don't mean to nitpick but you say I had to give up full time work after our child was born and then I paid into this house as much as he has for 7 years.

Which is it? If you gave up work 5 years ago how could you have paid into the house as much has he has over the past 7 years?

Regardless, he's a shit for leaving you in this boat though.

Can you go home live with your parents, even if overcrowded, and apply for social housing there? Tell them he made you homeless. You should get priority surely for the child's medical needs. In the meantime also look for work and houses there and tell him you need X amount to get a deposit to put together with your savings. If he knows it's a finite amount and that it's a good plan he might stump up.

annielouise · 25/08/2017 18:22

You might also get priority for a new build through a Housing Association if you're working - part mortgage/part rent. Don't know what the medical needs are but new builds are built so that they can be transformed for disabilities. Not sure if that's all but I've known of some.

LucieLucie · 25/08/2017 18:33

Sorry to say but if you have £10,000 savings in the bank you will probably not be entitled to benefits.

I'd focus on getting yourself back on the career ladder and letting him take the burden of paying for childcare.

Andrewofgg · 25/08/2017 18:34

You might, after an expensive legal dog fight, get some of the equity in the house, but you will get not one penny of his pension. There is a mechanism for creating a right to a share of the pension and it's called marriage.

Papafran · 25/08/2017 18:46

This is why we need reform of cohabitation law.

Nannyred it's interesting that you think it's OK for a man to take advantage of the free childcare for his son with complex needs, which in turn has hugely compromised the earning potential of his child's mother. But he's a 'poor bloke', right? He will walk away from the relationship relatively unscathed, financially. The OP will probably never regain her earning potential and will continue to be a carer for her son, potentially living on benefits. Fair?

I would not recommend anyone becoming a SAHM out of choice (or because DH's earnings are high, so can afford to- i know sometimes it is the only option), married or unmarried. It is a myth that you will be financially secure on divorce- courts rarely make long term maintenance orders these days and it is very common for divorced women to face serious financial hardship. If you insist on doing it, your DH should be paying into a private pension fund on your behalf, as well as putting money aside in a separate bank account. If you are not married, it's the equivalent of playing russian roulette. The majority of cohabiting relationships break down and nearly half of marriages do.

Papafran · 25/08/2017 18:48

You were complicit in all decisions made so you are personally responsible and not a 'victim' like you're making out to be

Mmmmhmmm, except two people made the decisions, but only one is taking the full hit for it. It's always the woman who is expected to give up work and fuck herself financially.

KanielOutis · 25/08/2017 18:59

It's another story about how an unmarried mother is up the creek on separation. Marriage is not just a piece of paper, as too many discover as they split.

AdalindSchade · 25/08/2017 19:00

ok as far as I see it you have 3 options;

Apply to your local housing department as a homeless applicant. Get your xp to evict you and you will probably get placed in temporary accommodation which will (either immediately or after a wait) be a flat or house suitable for your needs.

Go and stay with family while you look for a job and save some more money.

Or, the most likely option, use your savings to pay 6 months up front rent in a private rental that is around the local housing allowance rate. That will bring your savings below the threshold, enable you to persuade a landlord to take you on, and you will get the rent back in housing benefit.

Do you get DLA for your son? If so, you will get a higher rate of child tax credit and combined with maintenance you will probably be financially absolutely fine.

SenatorBunghole · 25/08/2017 19:26

So with the half he gives you and the half he gave to his ex wife the poor bloke works for sweet fuck all.

But of course, it's absolutely fine for OP to end up with sweet fuck all after doing 100% of the childcare for their disabled child. It's only people who WORK who are entitled to not be left with nowt.

LucieLucie, with 10k savings OP could receive some income based benefits, if she has no other income. Income based benefits are withdrawn on a sliding scale with savings of between 6 and 16k. Still potentially worth OP doing, because eg Income Support is a passporting benefit. So even if you're not getting much from it, still entitles the person to free prescriptions, dental treatment etc.

Contrary to what people are saying you do have an entitlement in equity but you would have to see a lawyer to work out what it is.

The problem is that the sums don't sound like it'd be worth it. It is possible sometimes to establish that a person in OPs position has acquired a right to a share, but it's enforcing it that's the bugger, if he won't play ball.

AdalindSchade · 25/08/2017 19:31

Paying a lawyer to somehow find a way to eek £15k out of him just to pay a year's rent up front is a pointless waste of time, money and goodwill.
He's better off keeping his money in the house where it will accrue more equity thereby benefitting their child eventually.
If the op spent £1000s on rent and still had too much in savings to claim housing benefit it would be money lost forever. If she spends £6k of her savings on 6 months rent she can claim that back from housing benefit and the xp still has the equity.

Willyoujustbequiet · 25/08/2017 20:33

Terrible misogyny by some posters who claim the OP shouldn't be entitled to anything.

BUT FOR the fact that she was a full time carer to his disabled child he wouldn't have been in the position to accumulate this equity.

Shocking that a few posters can't understand this.