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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In wanting 50/50 share of DPs house? In his name only.

160 replies

Runningsheila · 25/08/2017 16:40

I've lived with my boyfriend for 7 years now, at first paying him a contribution to his mortgage. Then we had a child together who has medical needs (now aged 5) so I haven't been able to work and might only have part time in the future.

We were supposed to get married... live the dream etc! But now splitting up.

But you've guessed it all went a bit wrong, with my boyfriend getting cold feet early on and we've never really recovered from his lack of commitment. Of course I wish we'd married before having the baby, the baby happened a bit quickly! I was naive as we were all set to marry but had to wait for his divorce... which took longer than expected and then life got crazy.

Now I feel very vulnerable. My boyfriend is a decent man, did the right thing and gave his ex wife a good settlement on divorce. However, he doesn't seem to be wanting to do the same with me. There isn't much equity in the house, as much went to his wife, however I do feel that I should have a 50/50 share on what is left as it is what has built up since I lived there. I feel more strongly as it might be much more unlikely now that I'll get a mortgage as I may be looking at part time care for years and years for our young son. BF will give me maintenance but what about - house and pensions?

OP posts:
BoysofMelody · 26/08/2017 19:26

Gold Digging ex tried that shit she lost.

And yet she wanted to divorce a charmer like you? Astounding.

John12342 · 26/08/2017 19:34

This reply has been deleted

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Papafran · 26/08/2017 19:37

Name: John12342
Age: 48
Lives: In his mum's basement
Hobbies: computer games, getting as close to interaction with women as he can, by trolling a forum and writing what he thinks are witty remarks

BoysofMelody · 26/08/2017 19:47

I didnt marry her. I am not stupid she was a fucktoy

In your own terms you were stupid as you allowed her to move in.

And I guess she was attracted to your charm, generous nature and wit?

I assume you're now in a mutually exclusive relationship with you right wrist?

bimbobaggins · 26/08/2017 19:48

You say you gave up work to look after your child so unsure how you have paid as much into the house as he has?
Legally you will have no rights unfortunately.

John12342 · 26/08/2017 19:49

This reply has been deleted

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MrsNoMates · 26/08/2017 19:56

This isn't directed at you OP but all those people out there who say "marriage is just a piece of paper." Well this is why marriage isn't "just a piece of paper!"

abilockhart · 26/08/2017 20:26

The absence of any statutory financial remedy for cohabitants in England and Wales is something that really needs to be addressed. We are completely out of kilter with other countries in this respect.

Nearly half of births in England and Wales are to couples who are not married. Is it really in the best interests of society that a welll-off man could simply evict the mother of his children and not owe her any financial redress and that she could end up on benefits and living in a council house instead? Not only is it incredibly unfair on the woman concerned, it is also absurd to expect the taxpayer to pick up the tabs for this very advantageous arrangement for the man concerned.

bimbobaggins · 26/08/2017 20:32

Exactly mrs, I was one of them myself!

MrsNoMates · 26/08/2017 20:44

I would have been one of them myself if I had said "marriage is just a piece of paper" when I split with my ex dh.

BoysofMelody · 26/08/2017 21:38

Nearly half of births in England and Wales are to couples who are not married. Is it really in the best interests of society that a welll-off man could simply evict the mother of his children and not owe her any financial redress and that she could end up on benefits and living in a council house instead? Not only is it incredibly unfair on the woman concerned, it is also absurd to expect the taxpayer to pick up the tabs for this very advantageous arrangement for the man concerned.

If people want the security of being married, get married. If people are daft enough to sleepwalk into the situation of having a child and being beholden to a man whom they have no financial claim over, despite the well publicised risks of doing so, then they've made an unfortunate choice.

abilockhart · 26/08/2017 22:03

BoysofMelody,

So you think it is perfectly acceptable for these men to shirk any responsibility and wash their hands of a situation they also created? Not only are their former partners getting a raw deal, the rest of society is poorly served as well as the state often has to step in to house and support the evicted partner.

It's ridiculous.

Papafran · 26/08/2017 22:09

If people want the security of being married, get married

If only life was so simple. You can't force another person to marry you. The only real choice you have is to stay or end the relationship. Not so easy if you are already pregnant and it was unplanned and you love the other person and hope that they will change their mind and want to marry you.

We are way behind all the other jurisdictions that offer at least some protection for women in the OP's situation (which is a dire one and incredibly unfair).

Gorgosparta · 26/08/2017 22:13

The ops pregnancy wasnt an accident.

For some unknown reason a dr told them it would take a while

I have pcos and was told the same. I still didnt start trying until i was married. Because that was my line. It took 18 months after that and i still dont regret it.

I dont believe for a second that most women end up in this situation because of accidental pregnancy. Some, not most.

Snuppeline · 26/08/2017 22:17

I'm really sorry for your position. Not to be insensitive but since you are the one, effectively, homeless, without work etc why not leave the child with him? Get yourself back on your feet with full time work, a place to live etc. Then make a plan regarding shared childcare, with child either living with you or with the father as a primary place of residence. I understand there are medical issues here which may make you feel unable to do this but in light of the debate so far on this thread of - broadly - men not seeing any change whether they have a child (do not change hours to look after child) or leave a relationship with shared children (do not step up to look after them appropriately).

Even if you wouldn't consider this in seriousness why not say to him that this is what you intend to do, the only option open to you since you have nowhere to live or a job? He may in an instant see that his life would not be unchanged by making the decision to leave the relationship and may be more inclined to be constructive.

[flowers|

BoysofMelody · 26/08/2017 22:26

So you think it is perfectly acceptable for these men to shirk any responsibility and wash their hands of a situation they also created?

They are obliged to support their children, (as we all know shamefully many men don't, but that's another story and is equally true of fathers who were married to the mother) but to say they can walk away and wash their hands isn't accurate. In my opinion, I don't think the law should be there to prevent people from making regrettable choices.

RonSwansonsMoustache · 27/08/2017 06:21

So you think it is perfectly acceptable for these men to shirk any responsibility and wash their hands of a situation they also created?

Who said that?! They're obliged to support their child not their ex girlfriend! So many people get pregnant in the hopes that it will fix their relationship and make their boyfriends marry them, or happily plan pregnancies without thinking of the consequences.

Women have more to lose - they're the ones who get pregnant and need time off work so they're the ones who need to be smart and make sure they're protected in case it doesn't work out.

stargazer2030 · 27/08/2017 07:48

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread so someone may have suguested this already. You need to claim Disability Living Allowance ASAP for your child and if it's awarded you will be able to claim carers aĺlowance and income support. Even if you are still in the same household you should still be able to get it if you are living separately.
This would mean you are entitled to housing benefit so you can apply for rental properties.
Details of how to claim are on the gov.UK. UK website. Try to get help filling the form in though as you really need to word things correctly (try the CAB or the DWP have a vulnerable persons visiting team who will visit you at home to fill it in). Good luck.

Whinesalot · 27/08/2017 09:09

Unfortunately you are going to have to rely on his goodwill op. Don't try to say anything that benefits you personally. Base all your arguments about your disabled child's well-being. If he loves him enough then that will work best. If he doesn't then he's a tosser.

abilockhart · 27/08/2017 10:37

They are obliged to support their children, (as we all know shamefully many men don't, but that's another story and is equally true of fathers who were married to the mother) but to say they can walk away and wash their hands isn't accurate. In my opinion, I don't think the law should be there to prevent people from making regrettable choices.

It can also be argued that any well-off man who marries makes a potentially regrettable choice. If he marries, he is obliged to support his former wife if he walks away.

Not marry and he is not required to support the family unit, he only has to pay to support his child. He can evict his partner and if his partner ends up homeless and without an income, he is not required to support her. The state steps in to provide housing and benefits for the former partner even if he is a millionaire.

Is it any wonder so many men choose not to marry?

Flopjustwantscoffee · 27/08/2017 10:56

I obviously don't know the full details, but can I say how shitty it is that apparently he considers it impossible for him to reduce his hours in order to care for his own child, but is perfectly willing to volunteer his daughter, who at 20 presumably is planning her own career, education etc (not that there would be anything wrong with her looking after your daughter in itself, just that it is something he won't do himself but thinks she should do) I think it says something about his very deep attitudes towards women...

nornironlady · 27/08/2017 11:05

Hi sorry for your situation OP. Don't take this as gospel but with savings of £6k+ you may not be able to claim benefits. It may be an idea to consider using £5k on getting yourself into private rental as you can still claim housing benefit towards ongoing rent. You are also likely entitled to DLA and carers allowance for your child's condition. I think this also means you can have home adaptions paid for if necessary. You could source social housing but check your savings amount won't affect what you can claim. Good luck

SenatorBunghole · 27/08/2017 11:10

She can claim income based benefits with savings of more than 6k, they'll just be reduced on a sliding scale. Until you have 16k when you don't get income based benefits (doesn't include tax credits).

TeachesOfPeaches · 27/08/2017 11:27

Hi OP, I'm a single parent and work full time and still rely on housing benefit to pay the rent on a tiny one bedroom flat in London. My ex pays the minimum maintenance while I pay £225 per week childcare.

You need a strong support network around you so would advise you go back to where your friends and family are. Your life may be you as a full time carer living on benefits. Your ex pays maintenance for his other children so you won't get much.

My ex earns around £45k and I get £65 per week.

Andrewofgg · 27/08/2017 12:35

The absence of any statutory financial remedy for cohabitants in England and Wales is something that really needs to be addressed.

You will never hear me say a word in support of NRPs who don't meet their obligations to their children - although nothing can stop them having further children which reduces the amount due, and some of them will genuinely be ill or lose their jobs, and it's JTB.

But it's all wrong to pretend people have taken on the commitment of marriage to each other when they haven't.