In wanting 50/50 share of DPs house? In his name only.

[Runningsheila]

I've lived with my boyfriend for 7 years now, at first paying him a contribution to his mortgage. Then we had a child together who has medical needs (now aged 5) so I haven't been able to work and might only have part time in the future.

We were supposed to get married... live the dream etc! But now splitting up.

But you've guessed it all went a bit wrong, with my boyfriend getting cold feet early on and we've never really recovered from his lack of commitment. Of course I wish we'd married before having the baby, the baby happened a bit quickly! I was naive as we were all set to marry but had to wait for his divorce... which took longer than expected and then life got crazy.

Now I feel very vulnerable. My boyfriend is a decent man, did the right thing and gave his ex wife a good settlement on divorce. However, he doesn't seem to be wanting to do the same with me. There isn't much equity in the house, as much went to his wife, however I do feel that I should have a 50/50 share on what is left as it is what has built up since I lived there. I feel more strongly as it might be much more unlikely now that I'll get a mortgage as I may be looking at part time care for years and years for our young son. BF will give me maintenance but what about - house and pensions?

I have heard of recent cases where you can get some money if you can prove you have paid towards the mortgage and repairs etc.

One woman had a builder boyfriend who did substantial work to her home for free and then she dumped him. He took her to court and won.

In OP's case though I think it's unlikely she has made much of a financial contribution because she hasn't been working for a number of years.

Thanks all I am starting to be able to form some sort of a plan at least. I think I need to -

• assume that I will have to provide my own deposit and only have maintenance from DP
• pensions or mortgage are probably not possible. It scares me as my our child has a Life long disability and still renting at 65 with no pension and still caring for him is really scary.
• but I should focus on the short term, I'll have no specialised childcare however there must be something that I can do. I've tried several working from home in the evenings but the money was tiny.
• Ask DP to work part - time so we can both bring up the child. It's really hard work. Unfortunately he is still adamant about his daughter - who is dying to do it as she's given up college and doens't work - she wants to avoid progressing her own life I think - a bad idea all round but all DP can see is 'helping his daughter and son bond'.

What I think I will do more is be very plain with my Ex about any hardship. I have always been a pretty self reliant however all changes when you've a child with a disability. I'm determined to try and not sink with it all and will move near friends and family - they are all working so can't give daytime care but even moral support would go a long way.

There are Childminders and nannies that will
Care for disabled children.
Plus many special schools take children from the age of 2 ( or have places in mainstream nursery places with additional support).

Have you looked into these?

Thanks, I've been in a lot of contact with the LA. It's a bit of a long complicated story but I too thought that there would be childminders/preschool/specialist care and I could rant at this for hours but I've been shocked at how little there is. He's seen at least 4 NHS specialists for assessments who have been unable to complete their assessments because he needs to be handled right. I had a home support with a teaching qualification, like a well qualified childminder, for a few weeks, who was really nice and a great background but she ended up unable to care for him safely and I had to intervene. Nightmare! I spent most of my time educating her and in the end, it wasn't worth it.

He's been on a waiting list for a specialist unit which I'm hopeful will provide some kind of education, although this starts off an hour or so a day and builds up to 4 hours a day for the first couple of years. My child has extreme behaviour in the wrong setting and I know of at least a couple of other parents with similar children who have had to take them out and home school them as the stress of even a specialist unit was too much. I'm hoping that with the right start my child will be able to cope, however the consultant at his main diagnosis said that he would regress very quickly and recommended we delay any schooling for a couple of years, as he was doing well with me.

I would love to have him cared for by others too though, I think it would be healthy all around. But only the right sort as otherwise all I'm doing is untangling problems I've not created. Been there!

It took a few years for social services to put together a care package that actually works. It is £600 for overnight respite and £28 plus expenses an hour for childcare paid for by social service but would never be enough for a conventional job. He is at a special school but as he becomes anxious it is better for all for him to be removed. Or the anxiety reaches a level that it takes weeks to compose him again. I have had many a comment on how I can go back to work and how others manage it, I just sigh as I know they mean well. Luckily I can pick up freelance recruitment work and my DP is supportive but the professional career dream is over.

It takes time but you will find someone.

My daughter has very complex needs and behaviours ( including major meltdowns involving self-harming) and I have had to really search for carers ( place ads, use agencies, use council approved carers/Sen Childminder's) but I've managed it and have been able to work for the past 15 years.

It has become even harder to find carers since she hit the teenage years but I've managed it ( somehow!).

Speak to your local family info services, family support worker linked to social care and also some agencies ( in the earlier years I used special needs nannies who were ofsted registered so I could use family tax credit).

Also the professionals and LA to to seek out the correct educational provision for him.
They need to provide both you and him the support needed to allow him to access education and you the break you need ( either for work or respite).

Thanks again everyone. Your posts above give me hope and strength. Although it's also comforting Bouls that you know that I'm not making artificial barriers. I feel like I've had to fend off comments like 'But you'll get a job' when I say I'm worried about pensions. It's just not that easy.

I've reflected about my financial position too. It is unequal and unfair. I don't want the government to take up the slack of my Ex. I did choose to trust rather than wait and get married. And I did choose my Ex. On the face of it he seemed very decent. He was generous to his Ex Wife and we took on his daughter full time too for some years. I don't think any legislation can make people do the right thing but it does set a mark down that as a society what we value.

You are being unreasonable to expect 50/50. From sounds of it you have not contributed 50/50 to this house. Aim for a lower demand.

Op even if he offered you half. Around 15k.

That still not enough to not need benefits forever. If you want to fight him for it, do it. But you are not going to get any pension or any maintaince above child maintence. And will still need benefits at some point.