In wanting 50/50 share of DPs house? In his name only.

[Runningsheila]

I've lived with my boyfriend for 7 years now, at first paying him a contribution to his mortgage. Then we had a child together who has medical needs (now aged 5) so I haven't been able to work and might only have part time in the future.

We were supposed to get married... live the dream etc! But now splitting up.

But you've guessed it all went a bit wrong, with my boyfriend getting cold feet early on and we've never really recovered from his lack of commitment. Of course I wish we'd married before having the baby, the baby happened a bit quickly! I was naive as we were all set to marry but had to wait for his divorce... which took longer than expected and then life got crazy.

Now I feel very vulnerable. My boyfriend is a decent man, did the right thing and gave his ex wife a good settlement on divorce. However, he doesn't seem to be wanting to do the same with me. There isn't much equity in the house, as much went to his wife, however I do feel that I should have a 50/50 share on what is left as it is what has built up since I lived there. I feel more strongly as it might be much more unlikely now that I'll get a mortgage as I may be looking at part time care for years and years for our young son. BF will give me maintenance but what about - house and pensions?

But Lucy what if you had a child with a boyfriend and he stayed at home to care for them and when you split you lived in the mortgaged house and he in a council house with you paying minimum maintenance?

This. It's the fact that the law allows one person to walk away from the relationship free to build up his career and continue to add to his already secure financial future, while the other person will probably never be able to buy, never be completely financially independent and never be able to work full time again. Yet they had a child and a family together

bouls it's tough isn't it, I can't get childcare at all.

papfran exactly. I feel like I'm going into a black hole into the future.

Forget the idea that your bf is a decent man. He isn't prepared to reduce his hours, give you and his child proper financial support or arrange childcare so that you can go back to work. Suggesting that an irresponsible, inexperienced 20 year old (his DD) can look after a child with serious medical needs (because it would cost him nothing) means that he is an absolute scumbag.

We have a disabled child. We married because I wasn't willing to start a family or buy a house otherwise. I mean obviously we were in love, and we're still happy. But I was clear on the legal protections of marriage. Because I did law at university.

It should be taught in schools, the legal difference between marriage and unmarried cohabitation, and the consequent risks.

For the record, marriage can't protect you from the career hit of a disabled child. Even married, I'm still screwed for life financially if DH left - even with half his pension to date and half assets plus some spousal support. Because all the hit of DS's needs is taken by me as the SAHM. It's very much better but it's still not easy.

People have no clue what is required when a child has a pervasive and/or severe disability. Childcare is off the table, and who's left? A parent.

Running I reiterate that I think you should post on the legal section here. The law is complex, and changes so rapidly. You need advice from people who have a clearer idea of the current law than anyone here.

I'd also agree that he does not sound a friend to you. Try to protect and cover yourself as much as possible.

You "contributed" to the house for 18months max. Why should you get half?!

Especially if he has older children who would inherit it.

This thread should be a sticky and should automatically appear as the first post everytime someone starts a thread saying "I'm pregnant and don't want to go back to work and my boyfriend and I are disagreeing about how much housekeeping money he'll give me each week".

You "contributed" to the house for 18months max. Why should you get half?!

It's not half a house. It's half the equity in it - it was in negative equity when the relationship started.

OP has contributed full time care of their shared disabled child. Only a fool would regard that as a minor contribution. And his adult children are not his dependants - his disabled son may always be, and certainly is now.

If you can at all please get back earning...you sound young enough to build a career... its your pension, your ability to save and I'd hate to think you would use your 10k savings as you will need that as a baseline to build a deposit for your own home.

Why shouldn't he help with this? I would ask him to pay for whatever childcare he could afford it to help you get started again. He is a parent also. In the absence of legal rights could you appeal to his goodwill to give you some help to start again ?

It's the fact that the law allows one person to walk away from the relationship free to build up his career and continue to add to his already secure financial future,

The law can not protect people from themseleves l get that the op thought this would never happen. But having a child, giving up work etc was still a choice she made.

I am not having a go. But i dont think its the law that needs to protect people who dont get married. They need to protect themseleves.

I agree with posters that your views of what you should be entitled to is unrealistic. You've really contributed little to the house and as he only got half of the equity through his divorce (Did he buy her out?) There would little left you could claim to be your entitlement to the asset.

From his perspective he has already been stung once it is no surprise he wouldn't want to rush into marriage a 2nd time when your relationship has been rocky.

When you did pay towards the mortgage (so for 2 years maximum?) How did you do So? Did you make a bank transfer stating it was towards payment of the mortgage? This is what I did when I moved in my partners house so there was a record of my official contribution. Not that it would have meant absolute entitlement but would have helped after many years.

How old is your child now? Could you not get a school hours job or pay for before/after school care?

It is very hard with a disabled child but there are some options.

Sleep, there aer some lawyers on here already which is why we said the law differs depending on whether Scotland or England and secondly asking if when she did pay towards the mortgage did she pay it or eg just pay for food as possibly she might have got an equitable interest if she paid some of the mortgage particularly if they intended or agreed she would have a share (unlikely but worth a try) and someone further up mentioned seeing a solicitor - I think referring to Children Act possible rights to protect the child.

However the bottom line is never give up full time work no matter how easy that feels at the time.

I am not having a go. But i dont think its the law that needs to protect people who dont get married. They need to protect themseleves

Marriage isn't a unilateral thing though. If OP's DP stalled on the marriage thing, what can she realistically do? Life isn't as black and white as you make out.
The law may not protect the OP, but it DOES protect her DP though. He is able to walk away with minimal consequences. He keeps all the equity in the home, there is no mechanism to compel him to care for his own child, he doesn't have to give up his future financial security. I guess the question is- is it right that only one person should take the hit for a joint choice?

By the way, Scotland has legislation to protect cohabitants. So does New Zealand, Australia and Canada. So basically most legal systems that are based on ours protects people in the OP's position. But we 'don't need' it?

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I think you need to work out a plan based on the fact he'll only be giving maintainence. There's so much misinformation about " commonlaw" wife and entitlement, but unfortunately you're rights are few ( if any) no matter what the circumstances. If you have some hard evidence of your contribution, you could run it by a free half hour consultation type solicitor who specialises in matrimonial law and see, but fighting legally will be a bottomless pit in terms of cost. It's an awful position to be in OP. Some folk view marriage as just a bit of paper but when legalities are needed, the protection it offers is invaluable.

If people don't want to marry, they shouldn't have the same protection as married people. Marriage is a big commitment and not everyone wants to make that commitment, which is why they just choose to live together instead.

I see it all the time on here and IRL. "He doesn't want to get married, but I love him/trust him so I decided to have a baby and give up work to "save money" but now he doesn't want to be with me anymore and I'm not on the mortgage as I don't work and he's kicked me out with nothing."

Cohabiting couples shouldn't have the same rights as married couples. If you want all that protection - don't have a child until you're married. Not engaged, but married so you're protected as much as possible.

No, marriage won't protect you against the expense of a disabled child, nor will it stop your relationship breaking down, but it will give you security and a place to raise your children! Cohabiting won't give you any of that.

If people don't want to marry, they shouldn't have the same protection as married people. Marriage is a big commitment and not everyone wants to make that commitment, which is why they just choose to live together instead

OK, well I think that a man who doesn't want to make the commitment of marriage but does want to make the commitment of having a disabled child who will need care for a very long time, should be compelled to provide for that child to a much greater extent than the current rules allow. That includes ensuring that the child's primary carer doesn't end up in a council house, dependent on the state. That means taking an equal role in the day to day care of the child, either by doing it himself or paying someone else to do it. It doesn't mean paying relatively low percentage of your already high income and then sitting back and watching your pension pot grow while the other parent faces a future of poverty.

Why shouldn't he help with this? I would ask him to pay for whatever childcare he could afford it to help you get started again.

OP has said there isn't suitable childcare locally Nicki, due to the nature of DS disability. His father has, however, refused to go part time to assist in childcare and allow OP to work, and his grand idea was for his older daughter, who isn't capable of looking after DS, to do childcare while OP works instead. Anything to protect his financial position.

I still on balance don't support a wholesale change in the law to treat cohabitation the same as marriage, simply because I think it's wrong that people who don't or won't marry but want the same legal rights would effectively be preventing others from having their preferred setup. This is a problem we stand some chance at fixing with better education, and I'd want to attempt that before fucking over people who want to be able to live together and keep finances separate.

I do think if this bloke had any fucking decency at all he'd be pulling his finger out of his arse. And there might be a case for some kind of middle ground provisions for cohabitants with dependent children.

In terms of education, this thread should be stickied on every subforum.

The law may not protect the OP, but it DOES protect her DP though.

Yes because they are his assets. His. In his name.

The Op is in a difficult position because of the choices SHE made. She chose to move for him. She chose to give up work (i get why), she chose to do all these things.

Yes he chose to do these things to. But he had a lot less risk. Suprisingly people who arent risking much dont worry abiut the consequences that much.

If you want the protection of marriage, get married. And dont make huge life changes that hinge on a person until you are married.

Not a chance sorry. Also if he had wanted to put you on the mortgage or deeds, he wouldn't have been able to anyway. It was taken out before he met you and it is his debt and his property. Plus, in the grand scheme of things 7 years is a drop in the ocean. I am sorry that you have found yourself in such a difficult position.

If you get decent maintenance and the chance to get back out to work, then that is a good thing. Best of luck.

I agree with everything that has been said. You might feel your entitled to a share of the house but in fact your entitled to nothing apart from child maintenance.

Not a chance sorry. Also if he had wanted to put you on the mortgage or deeds, he wouldn't have been able to anyway. It was taken out before he met you and it is his debt and his property.

Well that's not true at all, you can remortgage and add someone to the mortgage and also title deeds.

Op I'm afraid you're not entitled to anything except child support. You're in no worse a position than if you'd been renting so I would just view it that way and try to move on.

Some good advice here www.advicenow.org.uk and www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/survival-guide-living-together-and-breaking and to buy a house you generally need a deposit, survey, stamp duty, solicitors fees, mortgage fees, mortgage, land registry fee, other fees, so I am unsure how he would pay you money for an asset that he owns in his name, even though you have paid him some money, nothing is legally in your name.

Stay put. Don't go anywhere until he sells the house and there is a court order obliging you to leave. (be aware that there is nothing to stop him changing the locks while you are out though). Look into the possibilities of social housing, either where you live now or where your family live, but you will probably get nothing unless and until you are made homeless.

You aren't going to be able to afford a mortgage, it's going to be difficult for you to hold down a job as a single parent with a disabled child, and unless you get social housing you'll be struggling to rent privately and facing the costs of moving every 6 months. Don't make plans that rely on him paying maintenance, either. Do you have skills that might enable you to earn an income working freelance from home?
Look into getting Disability Living Allowance for your son if he needs more care and support than the average 5 year old.