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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MN and assumptions...

136 replies

MrsOverTheRoad · 25/08/2017 13:39

There are so many, forgive me if I miss any..

"Can't you just dip into savings?"

"Haven't you got anyone you could ask to babysit?"

"Isn't there a friend you couldask to help out?"

"There must be something in the freezer!"

"Claim it on your household insurance"

"Book annual leave"

I know that some people lead quite narrow lives but the amount of assuming that goes on here is astounding,

Not everyone has someone to babysit for them...not someone they trust anyway."

For some people, insurance for the house or contents is an impossible dream.

And so on.

OP posts:
Squirmy65ghyg · 25/08/2017 13:42

YAN BU.

BIWI · 25/08/2017 13:42

You are being very mean and definitely YABU.

When people say these things they are trying to help

And they do it on the basis of the information a poster has given them.

YouTheCat · 25/08/2017 13:44

Yes but BIWI you get people saying 'can't you dip into savings' on threads where people are asking how to make £50 stretch for a month's food.

Some people just have no idea.

Original poster
MrsOverTheRoad · 25/08/2017 13:45

BIWIJeepers! If you think that's mean how do you manage generally on MN? Grin

OP posts:
Babbitywabbit · 25/08/2017 13:48

I think some of the things like 'dip into savings' are making assumptions.

But generally people are trying to help, and tbh if any assumptions are being made, it's often on the part of the poster. E.g. a personal frustration of mine is people who complain that they can't go out because they have no family on tap to babysit. Well, welcome to the real world! We found our babysitters by advertising locally and then meeting potential sitters- you're not going to give birth and magically have a queue of people you know and trust waiting for you.

So while I agree with you to a degree, I also think a lot of posters come on here with a whole set of assumptions about what they arent able to do, and it's actually quite helpful for them to see that they're only limiting themselves

Tilapia · 25/08/2017 13:54

Actually, the thing I find really interesting about MN is the opportunity to see other people's world view, especially when it is very different from mine. I think that as a rule most of us hang out with people who are fairly similar to us irl - but on MN you get the opportunity to see things from a different perspective.

OP, try to see it as one of the enriching things about posting on MN Wink

Viviennemary · 25/08/2017 13:56

YABU. People are only trying to suggest things that might be helpful. If somebody had a DH on £100k a year and said he didn't do chores. I'd suggest they get a cleaner. But if it was a hard up person that would be different.

ShatnersWig · 25/08/2017 13:57

YABU

I find it hard to believe people who can afford a mortgage can't also afford the home insurance to go with it, OP. Besides, with most mortgages, you can't have the latter without the former. And if you can afford to buy iPads and contract iPhones you can afford contents insurance. I don't mean that to sound snobbish - I have neither of those things - but often I see tales on MN of people who've dropped their iPad or iPhone and can't afford a new screen where it's been cracked. If you can afford £30+ per month on a phone, you could afford to have a cheaper phone and have insurance. My contents insurance is £11 per month.

PacificDogwod · 25/08/2017 14:00

IME most people make assumptions based on their own experience/own lives.
It is quite difficult to understand that one's own experience is not somebody else's and that my 'normal' is not normal to many other people.

It took me well in to my 30s and working with people with all sorts of problems to even begin to recognise my own privilege.
And I was not born with a sliver spoon in my mouth.

PacificDogwod · 25/08/2017 14:01

Sorry, forgot, YANBU as per my above post, and YABU in that in most cases it is not ill-will but ignorance and lack of ability to put oneself in to somebody else's shoes.

TheLegendOfBeans · 25/08/2017 14:02

I might get flaaaaaaaaaaaamed for this but I do feel that there's a bit of a middle class - middle England even - tilt to a big portion of advice that gets thrown about.

As well as the "can't you dip into savings" silly comments there are often some daft comments relating to folk complaining of being totally isolated. That's where the assumption that we are all within 40mins' drive of a major city tends to get thrown about.

BUT as BIWI says, even though so many comments are misguided they are usually made with the best of intentions.

PacificDogwod · 25/08/2017 14:03

Shatners, yes, but you are assuming organisational and prioritisation skills that many people have had role models for and have never learnt.

Sequence · 25/08/2017 14:14

YANBU. Another one is "I understand hardship because I have to pay the butler, MOT the luxury car, buy some diamonds, decorate the 8th bedroom go on on a long-haul holiday this month, "scrimp" to afford school by taking taxis when a chauffeur is what you were used to, and only go to the spa 4 not 5 times a week! No, you probably don't actually "have" do those things.

Titanz · 25/08/2017 14:16

It's been like this for the 5+ years I've been on here. Never changes

Original poster
MrsOverTheRoad · 25/08/2017 14:16

Shatners but I never mentioned people with mortgages.

OP posts:
zeeboo · 25/08/2017 14:17

With the "dip into savings" comment you are bang on because I, and most of my friends don't have savings. None of us earn enough to save that on top of paying the mortgage.
On most of the others YABU. I'm sick of posts from people who say they never get a break but then refuse to allow anyone to look after their child. Take a cup of tea and a cake to your neighbours, join a society or church, meet people and build a support network. It isn't hard!!
And the same with annual leave. If you work you will have some. How are other posters supposed to know if you've already booked it or not? I've seen people who have used leave for a holiday, non essential but then whine that they have no leave to collect their children from school or care for them on an inset day, i.e. Essential.

Original poster
MrsOverTheRoad · 25/08/2017 14:20

Zeebo....sorry but your comments are JUST as naieve as the ones I've highlighted.

"Go and have a cup of tea and some cake with the neighbours" is laughable given that some people live in inner city areas or on quite rough estates where the culture isn't inclusive of banging on the door of a stranger asking to share a slice of Battenberg.

And not everyone wants a part in religion.

OP posts:
SerfTerf · 25/08/2017 14:21

Don't forget blackberrying and dahl Grin

SerfTerf · 25/08/2017 14:21

Oh, and Sikh temples Smile

GahBuggerit · 25/08/2017 14:23

Most of those are just questions though, not assumptions, so yabu

PacificDogwod · 25/08/2017 14:24

Oh, yes, Sikh temples - the nearest one to me is 20 mi away in another town. It is a good thing I don't need to rely on it for sustenance.

And apologies for my previous post - it is barely coherent. I knew what I meant in my head.... Blush

treaclesoda · 25/08/2017 14:30

I do understand about people trying to help, in the absence of other information.

But I also agree with the OP about the assumptions. The assumption that everyone lives in a multicultural area is a big one. And that everyone has access to public transport. And that everyone's employers are willing to let people take annual leave for reasons like childcare emergencies. Lots of things really.

treaclesoda · 25/08/2017 14:32

I don't think I've ever seen a Sikh temple. Or a mosque for that matter. Which ties in with my previous comment about some parts of the UK being very different to multicultural urban areas.

headinhands · 25/08/2017 14:33

You get this is real life too. When I was on benefits and a single mum someone said 'you haven't got enough storage room, I know a carpenter who could knock you up some lovely deep shelves from reclaimed sleepers for those alcoves.' Ffs I didn't even have the money for the water rates!

Papafran · 25/08/2017 14:36

Yeah, dip into savings is a good one.

It's not really an assumption as such, but it annoys me as well when people seem so averse to going out of their way to do someone a favour. Especially things like picking up or dropping off kids or giving a lift. It's all 'Just say that doesn't work for you'. But at the same time, people are expected to have neighbours and friends who will instantly volunteer to look after DC.