MN and assumptions...

[MrsOverTheRoad]

There are so many, forgive me if I miss any..

"Can't you just dip into savings?"

"Haven't you got anyone you could ask to babysit?"

"Isn't there a friend you couldask to help out?"

"There must be something in the freezer!"

"Claim it on your household insurance"

"Book annual leave"

I know that some people lead quite narrow lives but the amount of assuming that goes on here is astounding,

Not everyone has someone to babysit for them...not someone they trust anyway."

For some people, insurance for the house or contents is an impossible dream.

And so on.

dragon not always. If you're on jsa you need Internet access to job search or your jsa is stopped. And in some areas that's cheaper than traveling to the library. It can also be a mental lifeline for isolated people. People can choose not to top up their payg on a tight month, you can't skip a months direct debit for insurance. And even with wifi, it probably isn't purchased so the poster can get on mumsnet. Kids need it for school, it's cheaper than buying books, music etc.

Granted you don't need an all singing and dancing broadband package if you can't afford insurance, but I doubt it's that straightforward for the majority.

Penggywn there often IS someone to mind any OP's child. But the OP doesn't want them to.
That's different. That's not the same thing.

Neither would I pegwwwyn. But it's not condescending to suggest that if they want a night out they may need to broaden their pool of Babysitters beyond their husband.

Re the freezer issue...a few posters have asked about it in relation to SPACE rather than contents.

When I mentioned the fact that not everyone has "stuff in the freezer" I meant that a large proportion of people buy food to eat that day or that week.

They don't have spare money to buy things for another time.

Exactly.

Someone says they can't get anyone to mind their kids.

"
aforementioned 'Well, you must have a friend or mums you do play dates with' "

Which is a totally viable option.

But the OP doesn't want that.

Do what does she want?

Eg

I have a problem / AIBU / no one to look after kids.

Overwhelming concensus of replies :

Here's numerous possible solutions
Yes YABU
Get someone to sit with them

Op : no no no YABU all of you.

I don't like your suggestion.......

All posters give up

The assumption that anywhere outside of London isn't multi culture there was a thread a few days ago about someone asking about a move to the north from the South apart from the fact "the north" is a very big place apparently you should only move if your white an European as we northerners are very ignorant and racist (the poster had clearly never been to bolton then) we also have crap schools as well apparently

"Go and have a cup of tea and some cake with the neighbours" is laughable given that some people live in inner city areas or on quite rough estates where the culture isn't inclusive of banging on the door of a stranger asking to share a slice of Battenberg.

But not everyone does. You are just as guilty of making assumptions about people as the posters you scorn. When you're responding you're basing advice on what you're told, and your own experiences. Not everyone lives on rough estates. Some do. Some people live in country cottages.

Poppy but the people who live on council estates aren't posting advice which suits THEIR lifestyle or environment when middle class people ask for advice are they?

Eg.

OP: Can anyone reccomend a good lawn mowing service?

Poster: Don't the council do it?

Or

OP: Which fridge should I choose? I need a new one by Friday so not much time!

Poster: Ask on Facebook or in your local council's white goods depot...they're cheap there!

It just doesn't happen does it?

Without fail, posters can't shop in big supermarkets because they're living rurally.

Again, lots of people live rurally. But as a proportion of the population, it's a very small amount. So if you say please help me economise and don't mention the rural living, you won't get appropriate advice.

There is also the mn assumption that anyone living in a poorer area is either inferior and 'rough' or some poor hard done to mumsnetter quivering in fear behind a barricaded door because of their rough neighbourhood.

Another one is the city dwellers assumptions that country life is all picturesque cottages and a great quality of life, when in reality there is a lot of rural deprivation.

And you are also making assumptions MrsOverTheRoad I live in a council house the council don't mow my lawn my garden is my responsibility the council only mow the communal garden at the flats and the general grassy verges.

Lurked yes...exactly. As though people who live in an ordinary, mainly working class area, can't have a degree or a decent education or intelligence.

2boys I was being flippant.

There also seems to be quite a lot of people who assume people can only claim tax credits if they are working and have no idea that child tax credits are something different to working tax credits which is fine but don't give advice about benefits if you have no idea what you are talking about.

Ok Mrs

I've seen a few similar threads crop up where the OP is worried that there won't be anyone other than their DP to look after DC1 when they go into hospital to have DC2. Invariably they have never considered asking a school friend's parents if DC1 can stay over, or have assumed that a neighbour would be annoyed if they knocked on their door at midnight in an emergency. I find it heartening how many MNers reassure the OP that they would be happy to help in similar circumstances, rather than jsut assume that when the OP says that they have "no one" they needn't bother to suggest neighbours or people they know through school

The babysitter question is a particularly vexed one, because what many posters pay is 'I don't have anyone to babysit'. That can cover, without being limited to:

• I can't afford to pay for babysitting atm
• My usual babysitter is out of the question this time for whatever reason
• I only want to leave my kids with family and they can't do it
• My kids have disabilities / conditions that mean it's hard to use childcare
• I've not yet used any babysitter so have nothing organised
• I live in a remote/rural area where no paid babysitters will work

Posters have no clue from the first statement which circumstances apply. So, not unreasonably, they ask questions. I haven't seen many of the replies Peng describes saying 'there must be someone..' What I do often see are quite snippy replies from OPs saying of course they're not using a paid babysitter as they only leave their DC with family, as if we should all have been able to mind-read that information, and as if using paid childcare is some freakish choice that is unreasonable even to suggest.

There are only a few of us that speak it. Oh, Neutrogena you card. I know you meant to write, "only a few of you".

Wicked, but I love it.

I never said you HAD to have / MUST have a school mum friend. I never said kids had to have play dates.

But if you don't want to ever leave your child, then most probably you have trust issues or anxiety.

But then I'm a party girl. Or I like going out with my friends and/or husband. I find lots of MN'ers totally over invested in their children and many are PFB.

I believe there's more to life than being just a mum. I don't mind leaving my children to go out with my friends, or out for meal with Dh.
I am a person in my own right. And I have a marriage to maintain/attend to/a lovely Dh I actually want to be with.

I work my socks off, as a mum.

But I could easily, and did, (and continue to!! Now they are much older,) leave ds1 or Ds2 (after I'd finished breastfeeding) at 8 months. Without a backward glance.

So, I guess we are very different!!

Oblamov I'd say that not all mothers who don't choose to leave their children with babysitters are anxious or "PFB".

It's all down to priorities. Some don't rate going out that highly. Others do. Some simply see no benefit in leaving their child with a stranger...or, as mentioned already, have nobody they know to babysit.

Peng I wouldn't leave an 8mo either, but as we're both saying, everyone has different takes on this. I think it's just a bit harsh to moan (not saying you were doing this, I mean the thread in general) at posters who ask questions about a situation like babysitting / childcare where the specifics can be so varied yet it rarely comes out in the first post. If people then politely say that the suggested idea doesn't work for them, fair enough.

One of the ones I hate is 'can't you just sell something?', yes well I guess I do have this Ming vase I don't need anymore just sitting here...

Oh and 'it's much cheaper to buy in bulk'. Great. I only have £10 but I'll spend all of it on one giant bag of rice shall I?