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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MN and assumptions...

136 replies

MrsOverTheRoad · 25/08/2017 13:39

There are so many, forgive me if I miss any..

"Can't you just dip into savings?"

"Haven't you got anyone you could ask to babysit?"

"Isn't there a friend you couldask to help out?"

"There must be something in the freezer!"

"Claim it on your household insurance"

"Book annual leave"

I know that some people lead quite narrow lives but the amount of assuming that goes on here is astounding,

Not everyone has someone to babysit for them...not someone they trust anyway."

For some people, insurance for the house or contents is an impossible dream.

And so on.

OP posts:
notsobeachready · 25/08/2017 15:10

OP yanbu

Suggesting obvious solutions is not helpful. As if the person will read that and go "oh how silly of me, of course I could get a baby sitter/dip into my massive savings pot/ have a look in the freezer".
Seeing further than the end of your nose springs to mind Hmm

Oblomov17 · 25/08/2017 15:13

The only one I really disagree with is the 'dip into your savings' one because obviously many people don't have savings.

Well, I still think babysitting can be sorted, for an occasional/annual night out.

You see some threads where people say things like: I haven't left my child / DH and I have never gone out on a date, for the last six years because I can't get any babysitters.

and I'm puzzled: you haven't managed this like for six years? Hmmis there no way round it? could you not of planned or done something?
Surely.

MorrisZapp · 25/08/2017 15:15

Statistically, what portion of UK society lives without things like a fridge, a store cupboard with some bits in it, and a microwave?

DixieNormas · 25/08/2017 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BackforGood · 25/08/2017 15:16

YABU - as you have then proved by your reply to Zeebo

I can't put it better than this poster on first page:

But generally people are trying to help, and tbh if any assumptions are being made, it's often on the part of the poster. E.g. a personal frustration of mine is people who complain that they can't go out because they have no family on tap to babysit. Well, welcome to the real world! We found our babysitters by advertising locally and then meeting potential sitters- you're not going to give birth and magically have a queue of people you know and trust waiting for you.

This ^ is a pet hate of mine too. We had no family who would sit for us, so we actively asked around and found teenagers who we trusted, and paid them.

So while I agree with you to a degree, I also think a lot of posters come on here with a whole set of assumptions about what they arent able to do, and it's actually quite helpful for them to see that they're only limiting themselves

Agreed

Lurkedforever1 · 25/08/2017 15:18

Yanbu but tbf it depends on the context. Telling someone how to explore their childcare options for a night out with a partner isn't unreasonable. Whereas telling a lone parent who is panicking because they are on a zero hour contract and have just been given a night shift to just ask family or pay someone makes you look a knob.

My favourite is when a single parent posts about a problem and posters immediately suggest they ask the child's father to help. As though the mother is so thick she hadn't realised her dc's father should be supporting them too, and she just needs to ask for maintenance and equal responsibility and he'll step up to the mark.

Assumptions about the benefit system and people on low incomes also royally fuck me off.

IDoDaChaCha · 25/08/2017 15:19

I call it 'solutioning' like a poorly thought out management policy. Yes, people are trying to be helpful but they are suggesting things that any rational person would have thought of first.

^^ this

Spikeyball · 25/08/2017 15:20

It can be impossible to find babysitters for children who have specialist needs. We have one person ( family member) so if it for a family occasion, we have no one.

Pengggwn · 25/08/2017 15:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OlennasWimple · 25/08/2017 15:22

Any OP that was sufficiently detailed to allow posters to know in advance whether any of these suggestions would be helpful would be so long that no-one would both reading it. I don't think it's rude, or presumptuous or naive to look to our own experiences and circumstances as a starting point for helpful suggestions.

OlennasWimple · 25/08/2017 15:24

Penggwn - there are many many of us who don't have family nearby to baby sit. We pay for baby sitters (either through agencies or by word of mouth or by advertising and sifting and interviewing potential baby sitters). Or we speak to the parents of our friends and pull in favours for sleep overs and play dates. Or we sit for them in exchange for them sitting for us. Or we join (or set up) a baby sitting circle.

PickAChew · 25/08/2017 15:25

13 years since the last joint night out for me and dh, oblomov. Tiny, frail, 77yo mil is convinced she could look after them but sometimes it takes all of my own substantially younger heft to intervene and stop an 11 stone teen and 7 stone tween, both with substantial neurodisabilities, from knocking lumps out of each other so I am hardly going to risk putting her in that position when ds2 alone can run rings around her while dh is distracted with fixing and cleaning her house because she can't manage it.

CoughLaughFart · 25/08/2017 15:25

Same as most people drive.

Actually this one really irritates me. Maybe most people drive in 'naice little village on the outskirts of...', but try doing it if you live anywhere near central London! I personally have nowhere to park a car and worked (until recently) somewhere very central with almost zero parking available - a car would be an expensive luxury.

A woman recently posted about being upset she couldn't attend her aunt's child free wedding. When people suggested she could potentially get a babysitter for just a few hours, she explained the venue was remote and everyone was being shuttled there by minibus. At least ten people piped up 'Why don't you just drive yourself?' Not a moment's thought that maybe a single, hard-up mum who was posting about the difficulty of getting to a remote location might not have a car.

Neutrogena · 25/08/2017 15:26

You'll know now that there is very little common sense on MN.
There are only a few of us that speak it.

MorrisZapp · 25/08/2017 15:28

Ok, what are the common sense answers then?

BackforGood · 25/08/2017 15:30

You'll know now that there is very little common sense on MN.
There are only a few of us that speak it.

Indeed Grin

LineysRun · 25/08/2017 15:31

Often it's the way it's expressed.

'Can't you just ...'

'Well I would do x, y, z ...'

'So what happened when you explained that that doesn't work for you? ...'

It sounds so bloody condescending.

BackforGood · 25/08/2017 15:34

Seriously though, of course people post from their own life experiences. It is only natural.

Often, that is what a poster is asking for - an idea that hasn't occurred to them. No-one replying can know what has / hasn't been dismissed from the OP's thought process, until they make the suggestions and they are dismissed.
No-one can put themthelves in the position of the OP entirely, as they have no idea who the OP is, and what their circumstances are. Posters are taking time to say .... "Well, this is what we / our friends / our family / my colleagues / whoever.... did / does", and, if enough people post, then one of the solutions might strike a chord with the OP.

Some OPs don't really want an answer though - they just want everyone to sympathise with them, or to affirm that whatever they have decided is OK.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/08/2017 15:36

There are only a few of us that speak it. Oh, Neutrogena you card. I know you meant to write, "only a few of you".

And I have had babysitters I've advertised for and teenagers. DD has had two car accidents, both when her two babysitters rear-ended other cars. I'm a tiny bit nervous about strangers babysitting now. Teenagers (and most people) can't pick DD up from school. She has some SEN so most people frankly don't want to look after her.

Any MNers free for a week at the end of this month? I pay really well.

Babbitywabbit · 25/08/2017 15:36

Exactly olennas.
If you can afford an evening out, you just have to factor in the cost of a babysitter. And even more frustrating is those people who know that but aren't prepared to leave their children with anyone other than a close relative doing it for free. Don't complain if you're not prepared to accept perfectly reasonable solutions. (Disclaimer- I'm not talking about children with significant SEN here)

Ultimately individuals not only have their own assumptions, but also their own levels of what they find acceptable. Another Example is when posters say 'I can't work because childcare would cost every penny I earn.' Well, you can actually, and many of us have done, but if you're not prepared to even countenance it then there's no point posting about it really.

PollyFlint · 25/08/2017 15:39

These are very normal things that most people have

Aaaaaaand that's the problematic assumption right there. For lots of people these things aren't normal and plenty of people don't have them. To assume that what you and your social circle have is by default 'normal' is the issue.

I also think that sometimes people who might to consider that the solution they are offering is sufficiently obvious that the OP would clearly have considered it already and has a good reason for having ruled it out. If someone's childcare dilemma could easily be fixed by 'getting a friend to help out', for example, they would clearly have done that already and wouldn't be posting on Mumsnet about it.

ShatnersWig · 25/08/2017 15:41

Cough But factually that is correct. Most people do drive. Even a lot of people who don't own a car because they live in London can drive but choose not to. So, again, unless you put in your OP "I live in London and don't have a car...." perfectly reasonable assumption.

As others have said, if people do a good OP, they rarely get "unhelpful answers".

Neutrogena Based on a lot of your previous posts on other threads, your posting is one of the most ironic I've seen for a while.

Borodin · 25/08/2017 15:45

Oblomov17

But MOST people ... have a few bits if food, that you could muster into a meal, if you really really had to. And most people could get a babysitter if they really really tried.

You really have no idea, do you. This is astonishing.

This reminds me of a friend of mine who insisted that homelessness is "not a problem" in England. Not a problem for him, maybe.

MrsJayy · 25/08/2017 15:46

I actually Lold when I read go to a sikh temple for food properly HA'd people while being well intentioned have not the foggiest what having no food or money can be like i have also read can you take in ironing or do a bit of babysitting to earn money posters do assume you can bake bread and blackberry jam to feed your family

Pengggwn · 25/08/2017 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.