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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sacking off hen do - tell me IABU!!

130 replies

MummySnot · 24/08/2017 20:30

Started back at work full time this week after maternity leave with PFB, meaning I won't see her in the mornings and then only have a couple of hours together each evening before she goes to bed.

Quite good friend's hen do on Saturday, starting at 9am and finishing around 11pm so apart from breakfast won't see the baby all day.

Just found out I also have to work Monday and Tuesday evening for two weeks in a row (starting in a couple of weeks) as well as normal daytime hours, meaning that I'll put PFB to bed on the Sunday evening and not see her again until the Wednesday (she's a good sleeper so unlikely to wake during the night).
Am starting to really resent the idea of spending the whole of Saturday without the baby when I'm going to see so little of her in the coming weeks. WIBU to just do the morning/lunch part of the hen do and then sack it off and go home to see PFB?

OP posts:
Mummaofboys · 26/08/2017 21:48

Oh don't go if you want to! spend time with your child they are only little once and you need to inhale their childhood it goes so fast. Sod your friend do what you want. You sound like a lovely mum btw

MargaretCavendish · 26/08/2017 21:54

As you'll see from my post above yours, I share your frustration piglet! However, I am amused by the fact that the people who are in and on Mumsnet seem not to value a night out much...

nomorebabiesyet · 26/08/2017 22:18

Explain to her. If she is a good friend she would understand. Its a hen do. Not the wedding. Go for lunch and a bit after and then go home.

Slimthistime · 26/08/2017 22:18

Ive seen some crazy things on MN but a 14 hour hen do?!!! I can't believe you agreed in the first place,not because of the baby but because these people must be stopped!!!!

nomorebabiesyet · 26/08/2017 22:18

Oops i got lost in the thread haha

Headofthehive55 · 26/08/2017 22:27

Just go to part if it.
You won't enjoy it if you are clock watching.
You will hardly see your baby those weeks and she is much more important!

BabyAndBunny · 26/08/2017 22:35

I don't think your being unreasonable. Also I don't think it hugely matters how good a friend she is (hear me out please!)

I just mean that if you're not happy with it - good friend or no - just do what feels right for you and baby!

As awful as it may sound to some I've happily missed a wedding and an engagement party as I'd just rather be with the bubba at the moment - id rather go to things later on that I actually want to rather than force myself to go somewhere when I'd rather be somewhere else (might be a bit of a downer haha)

But just my opinion really - not being unreasonable just so what's right for you Grin

sunglassally · 26/08/2017 22:43

Well OP given that it is now nearly 11pm, the witching hour, did you go at 9am (ridiculous hour), stay the whole day, just do lunch, or leg it after lunch, do the evening bit or not go at all?

Do tell. But I doubt this is real, a 9am start for any Hens would be a disaster.

But what do I know. But there is no way I would be arriving at 9am for anyone or anything on a Saturday.

What is the story here>

Winenight · 26/08/2017 22:44

I don't think 14 hours for a hen do is unreasonable. An overnight stay at will be longer than that!

I went to the races for my hen do, followed by a meal in the evening. We met in the morning at mine to get a minibus to the racecourse, went to the races and then the minibus returned us to the restaurant. It probably lasted at least 12 hours by the time the last people left.

OP what did you do in the end?

WillowWeeping · 26/08/2017 22:45

I would rather have root canal work done than go to a 14 hour hen do

I just don't understand these sort of comments. Isn't there anything you'd like to do for a whole day? It seems singularly lacking in imagination to announce that all hen dos are awful.

sunglassally · 26/08/2017 22:49

Some people myself included find a gaggle of women to be very painful and loud and disruptive. But I am naice hey! Only joking, I love a bit of a laugh now and then, but do not like to be herded into an arranged gig. No way sorrrryyyy.

Back to base. What was the 9am start for anyway,did I miss that?

Never would do that for anyone on a Saturday morn, I don't care who they are, they won't miss me at all.

Slimthistime · 26/08/2017 23:05

Willow, I went to Vegas for my 40th but I don't think we had any days that were more than 9 hours without a break from being a group. Plus there's pool time which was quiet even if we were all together. 14 hours and that's not including any travel time.. That's a long day.

itsbetterthanabox · 26/08/2017 23:06

Not everyone gets pissed on hen dos. Mine wasn't a piss up.
People saying 14 hours is long well not really you could travel then have brunch, maybe shop, do an activity or go to a spa or something then dinner and coffee. Time goes quickly.

andherplayfulsheep · 26/08/2017 23:06

No matter how lovely the bride is, you will hurt her feelings if you bail now to do something you will be doing almost every night for the foreseeable. Go to the hen do and have a good time.

Just realised it is now Saturday...

Alexkate2468 · 26/08/2017 23:10

Please don't take the baby. I don't think your friend's idea of a hen party included a baby in any part whatsoever and it's really not appropriate. I agree with others who suggest going a bit later. Don't bail altogether though, a hen do is a big deal to the hen.

sunglassally · 26/08/2017 23:48

They should be all home in their beds by now.

Was to finish at 11pm,

Snoring already now....

WillowWeeping · 27/08/2017 00:37

slim I'm not saying it's not a long day and we have no idea whether there are breaks/downtime including.

I was making the point that it's enormously dismissive, not to mention lacking in imagination, to assume all hen does involve gaggles of drunk women being shepherded into full activities.

Hiking for the day followed by a pub dinner
Cooking lessons followed by a club
A sailing trip
A garden party
A camping trip
Afternoon tea and a musical
Museums and cocktails in various European cities.
A festival
A spa day

I've done all of the above on various hen dos: most were around the 14 hour mark. Some had 6 people, some 36. I can believe they're not all everybody's cup of tea but to dismiss all hen dos seems a bit weird.

WheresYouWheelieBin · 27/08/2017 01:50

9am-11pm is a huge day, particularly after a long week at work. There's no way I could manage that. Just go to the first part of the Hen's do and then when you get tired head home.

PinkPomeranian · 27/08/2017 05:23

Did you go?

FWIW I would have gone to the daytime celebrations and pulled out of the evening, but paid in full. Your friend is a grown up and can understand. Your baby might be feeling a bit confused and clingy, and it sounds as though you were wanting time with her too. It's not always possible to anticipate how you'll feel or how your baby will react in advance. As long as you paid your way I don't think missing the evening activities would have been a big deal.

Hope you had fun either way!

Casperroonie · 27/08/2017 06:56

That super long if you have family commitments. It may be just 1 occasion but your situation has changed. If lots of booze is involved it may not be good either as you don't be in for state to look after LO if you're drinking lots during the day. Perhaps just do a part of the day or just "show your face". Follow your heart, your baby will only be a baby once.

Original poster
MummySnot · 27/08/2017 07:54

Went to the whole thing in the end! It wasn't a boozy hen do; went to the countryside for a long walk and picnic, followed by spa and then evening restaurant.

I was preparing my getaway for the evening part but then baby went to sleep bang on 6 so I wouldn't have seen her anyway.

I missed her but it wasn't the end of the world! Thanks for all the advice Smile

OP posts:
Threenme · 27/08/2017 08:05

A long walk for a hen doo? I clearly live on a different planet to other people!!! Initially I thought you'd bu to ditch your friend op but now i see the festivities on off i don't think I'd have blamed youGrin enjoy today with your baby.

Headofthehive55 · 27/08/2017 15:56

I think a long walk and picnic sounds fab! Glad you enjoyed it.

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/08/2017 16:58

9am and a loooooooooooooooong walk - def not my cup of tea Wink but glad you went and enjoyed

assume all activities were discussed first

picnic, spa and meal thats more like it :)

enjoy today with dd

jlou2015 · 28/08/2017 20:28

Youre not being unreasonable good friend or not vecause when.yu.become.a parent.you channge and so do your priorities. I have had one date day (not night) with my partner without or son and he is 1.5 years old now and soon I will have another..I want him everywhere with me because I know I lose him to school soon. When you become a parent you.change I really am.not sociable like I was and maybe partly because friends stepped back but that only made me see who my real friends were. Do what feels right for you. Dont fancy it go out with her in the day alone and have a girly time she wonf hate you for it and if she does its best you know. xx