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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sacking off hen do - tell me IABU!!

130 replies

MummySnot · 24/08/2017 20:30

Started back at work full time this week after maternity leave with PFB, meaning I won't see her in the mornings and then only have a couple of hours together each evening before she goes to bed.

Quite good friend's hen do on Saturday, starting at 9am and finishing around 11pm so apart from breakfast won't see the baby all day.

Just found out I also have to work Monday and Tuesday evening for two weeks in a row (starting in a couple of weeks) as well as normal daytime hours, meaning that I'll put PFB to bed on the Sunday evening and not see her again until the Wednesday (she's a good sleeper so unlikely to wake during the night).
Am starting to really resent the idea of spending the whole of Saturday without the baby when I'm going to see so little of her in the coming weeks. WIBU to just do the morning/lunch part of the hen do and then sack it off and go home to see PFB?

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 24/08/2017 21:39

Go. You are putting extra work ahead of your friend if you don't and that's crap. It's not really about your dd, it's that once you've done the extra work you only see your dd if you pike on the hens.

McTufty · 24/08/2017 21:39

OP I had several close friends whose hens I spent a fucking fortune on and made a massive effort for not be able to come for my hen because they had gone on to have babies. I was disappointed but I totally understood they have to put their kids first.

I am sure your friend will understand if you feel you can't go but she will also be disappointed and feel a bit let down that it's last minute, and that's a really unfortunate way to make your friend feel especially if she isn't a bridezilla! I would go along but leave after dinner if you feel you can, your friend will appreciate it and I'm certain longterm you'll be glad you did.

fruitbrewhaha · 24/08/2017 21:41

Really I think you are being silly.
The hen do will be fun (presumably). You'll regret sacking it off for ANOTHER day hanging out with your child. There will be many many days of looking after your DD but not many days out with a bunch of girlfriends. Get out and enjoy yourself.

Original poster
MummySnot · 24/08/2017 21:42

The PFB thing is a reflection on my state of mind, like she is soooooo precious and perfect that mumsy can't be without her for a second!

OP posts:
Original poster
MummySnot · 24/08/2017 21:43

I'll be driving so no chance of being hungover on Sunday!

OP posts:
SunnyCoco · 24/08/2017 21:44

Hi Op
I am one of those people who everyone says is so relaxed and understanding and lovely etc and therefore they seem to think it's fine to bail on me, as I always say "oh gosh no problem at all!" Etc.
But lately I've realised that actually yes it does hurt my feelings, it does upset me. So please don't use her kindness against her. This is an important day for her x

scrabbler3 · 24/08/2017 21:47

If you're sure the bride won't mind, join them later on.

AmysTiara · 24/08/2017 21:49

I do get how you feel but it's a one off and I'm sure the bride to be will be glad to see you.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 24/08/2017 21:54

If I'm being perfectly level headed about it - your child won't miss you if it's being cared for attentively by someone else for one day. ( unless there is some reason why you can't be apart). How you feel about being away from your child is another matter and one that only you can address.
If there are no medical or behavioural reasons why you can't leave your child then crack on and have at it!

Pigface1 · 24/08/2017 21:57

YABU. You accepted the invitation. She's your friend. It's her hen do. It's one day - she hasn't asked you to fly to Ibiza for a week. Please don't take the baby. You'll see the baby all day Sunday. And I get that she's lovely and you love her but her entire childhood won't slip away between 9am and 11pm.

If nothing's actually had to be booked and paid for then perhaps you could work round - if the bride is a really understanding person could you perhaps suggest you attend 12-6 or 5-11 or whatever?

And anyone saying 9am-11pm for a hen do is ridiculous is living in the 70s. That's tame and considerate these days. I've got to give up an entire bloody weekend for one in a couple of weeks and the hen isn't even my friend (she's my friend's sister).

Kabex · 24/08/2017 22:02

Be with your baby. She is only that small for such a short time. Your friend will forgive you when she has a child

StealthPolarBear · 24/08/2017 22:04

She really won't graduate and get her first job on that day!

Bearbehind · 24/08/2017 22:05

she is soooooo precious and perfect that mumsy can't be without her for a second

Try saying that out loud to the hen and her other friends and see if it sounds at all cringeworthy.

A random night out can be missed.

You shouldn't cop out of the hen do of a very nice friend when you've promised to go unless it's a completely unavoidable problem.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 24/08/2017 22:06

It wouldn't have worried me if someone had dropped out of my hen do at short notice. Then again I think they are the work of the devil and only agreed to go for a meal one evening because my friends wanted to do it!

In your situation I'd explain and go for part of it.

(Then again I wouldn't have agreed to go in the first place no matter how close friends we were!)

Liiinoo · 24/08/2017 22:06

Go to the party. You are not just a mum and an employee. You are a friend too and that matters. And I say that as someone whose children are flying the nest and I miss them desperately and am very grateful I still have friendships that I kept alive during the PFB/PSB years so I am not totally isolated now.

notanotherNC · 24/08/2017 22:12

Do you think your baby will be ok without for that long? Mine would have been really upset not to see me for that long, but all babies are different. You are the mum so you need to do what you think is best.

lorelairoryemily · 24/08/2017 22:12

Don't bail on her, 2 people did that to me and I ended up having to pay €200 to cover them.

StickThatInYourPipe · 24/08/2017 22:15

It's for reason B that you should honour your commitment and go. Your taking advantage of her good nature tbh. Especially if you would go if you thought she would have a go.

So sick of nice people being taken the loss out of just because they won't say anything about it. Don't let her down at this last stage, you have had ages to explain to her that you can't go.

StickThatInYourPipe · 24/08/2017 22:17

Sorry loads of spelling mistakes in that! I have a crack in my screen :(

Papafran · 24/08/2017 22:18

like she is soooooo precious and perfect that mumsy can't be without her for a second!

Errrrrrrr.......

Rachel0Greep · 24/08/2017 22:26

.

Benedikte2 · 24/08/2017 22:41

I'd go for morning and afternoon and then go home. I really think you will be overdoing it, seeing as you have only recently returned to work. Some folk have limitless energy it appears but others, myself included, do not. Besides work you no doubt have a week's housework etc etc to do as well as your DC to care for. If you cannot face telling your friend outright tell her you are feeling unwell. I image there are plenty of others attending the do and you describe her as a "quite good friend" so not a best friend and you aren't a member of the wedding party. It's unlikely your quite good friend will be devastated by your absence foe part of the proceedings. It's just bad timing and that's life.
Good luck

McTufty · 24/08/2017 22:48

like she is soooooo precious and perfect that mumsy can't be without her for a second!

I assume this was light hearted and tongue in cheek in fairness to OP!!

your friend will forgive you when she has a child

Sorry but I think that's an awful thing to say.

AreWeThereYet000 · 24/08/2017 22:48

Hmm I know where you are coming from, I had booked and paid to go on my best friends overnight hen do 9am Saturday to 1pm Sunday then found out I was pregnant - baby was 5 weeks old when the hen took place... didn't want to leave my daughter at all, but I went and I bloody loved it! Didn't mean I missed my daughter any less but I felt great to be me. Daughter was fine and with her dad and i have all the time in the world with her. 2 weeks of 2 night shifts really isn't a large chunk of her life in the grand scheme of things - again totally get how you feel but put it this way, it's only the same as when they start school in a way, drop them off in a morning, give them tea and a few hours after school and off to bed and repeat. I think this will be good for you to realise that you will both be fine not attached 24/7 x

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 24/08/2017 22:50

Your friend will forgive you when she has a child

Completely unnecessary thing to say.

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