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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To request no kids on the wedding invites?

426 replies

Curlyhepburn · 24/08/2017 07:45

The wedding is a while off yet but just planning now and it occurred to me that I dont know how to go about it, we have 3 kids of our own between us, youngest will be 13 at the time and we are both clear on not wanting very young kids/babies.

I know this isnt always popular with families and I wondered if its reasonable to include a note of this in the info card to go out with the invites?
Am I being daft?

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 24/08/2017 23:45

I dont get why some people think "no children" should still allow babies.
They are children, so surely it should be clear they arent invited either.
I dont get how not allowing the baby is "basically the same as uninviting the mother" because it really isn't.
Even very yoing babies can be left with their dad, grandparent etc. Even a bf baby can be tested if they will accept a bottle abd could be bottle fed expressed milk or formula if venue is too far away to pop back to feed or will be gone to long. Im not saying they SHOULD just that for most it could be an option. Having a young baby isnt an automatic exclusion so its silly to feel offended like its a personal disinvite.

If i ever marry my partner ill be insisting on adults only, but neither of us is in contact with much family so theres nobody but his brother who is younger than us and hes 16. Neither really have friends either so prob just be parents and siblings.

HiJenny35 · 24/08/2017 23:49

No sounds very sensible to add a note as you need to make it clear on the invitation that children aren't invited.
It's your day, totally your choice, however don't be funny if people say they won't come. I've been invited to two weddings this year both kid free, when I said I wasn't going because I don't leave the kids I got a load of shit back. Totally your choice but also totally others choice if they don't wish to attend without their kids.

blacksax · 24/08/2017 23:53

If some close friends/relatives have young children, then be prepared for them not to come (and possibly be rather aggrieved) since their usual family babysitters won't be able to sit for them - because they will be at your wedding.

It might be rather annoying for people who invited your children to their weddings, whereas now they have kids of their own and can't bring them to yours.

It will be difficult for them to find someone else to babysit, especially for those guests living some distance away from the venue, and who would need to be out for many hours/overnight.

It may also cause problems for families with both older and younger children where the eldest are old enough to come, but the younger ones aren't.

Hey-ho, your wedding, your call.

tigerfly · 25/08/2017 00:34

Personally I hate people that do this. A so called friend of mine did this and literally broke my daughter's heart. She was 13 at the time, she had even been promised the role of bridesmaid when she was 4, then wasn't even allowed to attend the wedding. I declined, we have very little contact now. My daughter is 15 and a half and is still injured by it.

ReanimatedSGB · 25/08/2017 00:45

It's fine to have a kid-free wedding. The sort of people who moan and whine about how wicked and selfish and modern you are because weddings should be about faaaaaamly are also the sort who let their kids scream and rampage all day and strop if anyone makes the tiniest suggestion that little Nibbo might need to be taken out of the room/a change of nappy/to be told not to pick its nose and then shove its fingers into the wedding cake...

I did recently email a mate who is getting married soon to ask if I could bring DS (the wedding is pretty informal, there was mention of kids being there but it had not been specified whether there were restrictions). I stated that I would not be at all offended if it wasn't acceptable - as it turns out, he will be welcome, which is good for both of us. But, first I asked, and then I made sure I didn't ask in such a way that would stress the hosts.

Aspiringcatlady · 25/08/2017 01:05

I went to a child free wedding a few years ago- best one I have been too! Make it clear on the invitations that it is child free and give people plenty of time to arrange childcare, although also be prepared some people will not be able to get childcare or want to leave their children. However, most parents are probably glad for a day/night off!

Rach5l · 25/08/2017 03:07

It's fine. Just don't do what bitch sil did & invite close kids, whip them up into an excited frenzy about it then decide it's a no kids wedding Angry
Twat. They won't mind they're only kids yeah right ok bitch thanks for that. Jesus she's an idiot

justanothernameagain · 25/08/2017 03:15

I dont get how not allowing the baby is "basically the same as uninviting the mother" because it really isn't.
Even very yoing babies can be left with their dad, grandparent etc

Have you had DC? If you have you need to accept that not everyone feels like you about it. I would have felt very distressed to be seperated from my babies when they were very young. I had a VERY strong instinct that I needed them to be close to me and that they felt the same. Not inviting my baby absolutely meant not inviting me.

Also many BFing mums don't want to introduce a bottle for fear of nipple confusion. Especially if you'd struggled to BF can you understand people might not want to risk it?

Not inviting my baby absolutely meant not inviting me. If you don't understand that it says more about you than me IMO.

putdownyourphone · 25/08/2017 03:48

Yea, if I was breastfeeding and a close friend said no babes in arms I would be offended. I have known several babies who wouldn't take a bottle ever. Thankfully mine did and I did go an enjoy myself child free!

But all other kids - fine, just be explicit.

PinkPomeranian · 25/08/2017 03:49

You can't go wrong being as upfront as possible, as early as possible.

We've had a lot of confusion in the past with children being named on save the dates but not imvitations, not being named on anything but being invited, and no names on save the dates with a last-minute childcare panic when invitations came out (including being asked to book accommodation a year in advance and only being told kids weren't included when the invites came out a few weeks before the wedding).

I'm sure that anyone you'd want to invite to your wedding would want you to have the day your way. By the same token, I'm sure they would love to celebrate with you and giving your guests the full picture can only help them to get things organised with as little stress as possible.

McTufty · 25/08/2017 05:03

justanothernameagain

I totally understand a mother might very well not be able to attend if she has a young baby, but some mothers do. I was at a wedding a couple of weeks ago where someone had left their 7 week old - I wouldn't have left that young but some people do. Others do things like just coming for a short part of the wedding or booking a hotel room nearby with childcare and popping back to feed. So in your case, if your baby wasn't going you wouldn't go either, but in sending the invitation the B&G don't know that. As you say, not everyone feels the same about such things.

Not inviting your baby does not mean you weren't invited any more than if you had been invited but couldn't go for some other reason. Being invited and not being able to go is not the same as not being invited.

Casperroonie · 25/08/2017 06:50

😂😂😂😂😂. Although many of your friends may understand they will think it's a shame as they would want everyone that is dear to them to be at your wedding. Really doesn't have anything to do with "real" friends or not, just how they feel about leaving their children.

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/08/2017 06:52

Absolutely fine to say no kids tho some guests may not come if can't get childcare

MirandaWest · 25/08/2017 07:08

It's up to you who you invite and it's up to the people invited whether they choose to come or not.

For your DPs family with children who will be travelling for the wedding; what will they do with their DC? If they're going to be away for a week then their dc will have to be somewhere. Are you able to find out about childcare options for them?

squizita · 25/08/2017 08:27

Almost have you had kids? The fact you had to caveat people wouldn't want to do that and it would be an enormous hassle for a wedding ... bearing in mind the hassle it is when some women go back to work or have to go to hospital etc ... Yeah just do it for a wedding. It's disproportionate hassle. No babies WILL mean those with young ones will have to make a difficult choice.

You didn't mention bad sleepers (possibly because there's no glib solution or glib sounding but complicated solution). No mum and dad for some babies = screaming all night. Awful for all concerned especially the baby.

Thay doesn't mean OP can't do that, but she can't pretend it's all easy and any fall out will just be guests being silly.

LightDrizzle · 25/08/2017 08:33

Do it (child-free), but definitely don't cite any reason such as space. For the determined you have just given them the key to being an exception: Numbers? - "I know you were worried about numbers but Olivia [who is 4 and huge] will just sit on my lap and I've brought this giant bag of organic Olivia-friendly foods I'll badger your rushed-off-their -feet serving staff to warm and serve." Your premises aren't child friendly and there's open water? - "Don't worry, I won't take my eyes of her." You want everyone to be able to hear the ceremony and speeches and to drink and dance without worrying about children? "Oh Olivia loves a party! She's been to lots of adult events and is a big hit with the other guests, and don't worry, we'll keep her entertained during the speeches."

All reasonable parents will accept it, the tiny minority who don't are unfortunately the very ones that will think it is hilarious and instagram worthy to see their little character licking the icing on the uncut cake, running around the table, wandering up the aisle etc.

Some parents won't be able to attend or won't choose to, which is fine, but in my experience, the fellow guests who have had the most issue with it and are the most vocal, often aren't actually the friends or family who have no childcare or who never leave their children; they are parents who see a wedding as a fantastic opportunity to show off their uniquely entrancing offspring, all dressed up too, to what they deludedly assume is a rapt and grateful intoxicatingly large audience. They often cite the presumed disappointment of others that little Olivia won't be there. Or what a shame it is because Beth will be flying in from New York and she's never met Olivia as she left before she was born etc.

That is why you need absolute clarity and no excuses for your decision. It's never the nephew you adore that gets sneaked in, it's always some cousin or friend's toddler or small child you've barely met who is brought with a stinking cold and a bag full of noisy toys.

Summerlovin24 · 25/08/2017 08:47

It's fine.if that is their choice although I feel kids make a wedding. It is a family occasion. We were invited without kids. The bride was a bit funny when I couldn't come due to childcare - that's the danger if u say no kids. I would have gone alone if it was near but it was 3 hr drive away. She suggested we get a local babysitting service yo watch kids in hotel room while we were at a wedding. No way id leave them with strangers in a hotel room. Boisterous boy so would be bored and a complete stranger

IAmNotAWitch · 25/08/2017 09:19

Just put 'no children' on the invite.

I have been on the other end of this. Received invite addressed just DH and I. Made childcare arrangements. On discussing upcoming wedding with bride she mentioned how much she was looking forward to seeing the kids...

Be clear, also my vast preference is for you to either ask for money or give me directions to a gift registry.

Make it easy for your guests, all of this 'etiquette' stuff is confusing. Just tell people what you want from them.

AvoidingCallenetics · 25/08/2017 09:19

Your real friends will sort out childcare.
Your fake friends will make a big deal out of it and make it all about them and their children.

I'm only halfway through the thread, but what a crock of shit. There are many reasons why people might not want/be unable to leave their children.

I would be very wary of excluding your/dh's nephews/neices if you have them. This would very likely cause bad feeling. The thing with child free weddings is that you are saying to people that their children are not so important to you that you want to change the vibe of your wedding and include them. That's totally fine and friends amd distant cousins should understand that lots of kids totally changes the whole feel of the wedding, but your siblings are likely to be hurt that you don't consider their children as important enough to invite.

Ferrisday · 25/08/2017 09:35

Some people just don't understand that people can't sort childcare

Decaffstilltastesweird · 25/08/2017 09:38

I can't understand why anyone would rather have their young dc at a wedding. I hate trying to manage weddings with a toddler to keep sane entertained.

That doesn't mean I enjoy the opportunity to leave her behind though.

DH and I tend to take turns going on our own, depending on who is closer to the couple. It works for us.

Weddings where we know the couple equally well, we will find childcare for. That's not a "lovely opportunity to leave the kids with the babysitter" though. It's a big inconvenience, but one which we don't mind dealing with for people we really care about, (the bride and groom).

BlondeB83 · 25/08/2017 09:42

I don't get the aggression towards the honeymoon request thing. If you register for gifts you get told you're grabby, if you ask for cash you're told you're grabby, if you say nothing you get loads of people asking what to get you or buying unwanted gifts. You can't win!

expatinscotland · 25/08/2017 09:44

I agree, Decaff. Framing a wedding as an opportunity to enjoys yourselves is just crass. It implies your kids are an inconvenience. I'm not a fan of weddings myself, I find them tedious in the extreme, but silly poems about it being so much a better party for being childfree put me off as much as touting for money from guests.

Just put 'no children' or one of the other direct statements in the invitation.

expatinscotland · 25/08/2017 09:45

Because if you have everything you need you don't need people's money, Blonde. You tell people 'NO gifts' and be firm about that.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 25/08/2017 09:51

Your wedding your choice but possibly expect issues from "unexpected" quarters. One of my cousins did similar. Those of us affected were fine. We just declined (in our case as everyone we could leave our Toddler with for a weekend was either going to the wedding or out of the country) as did some other cousins, others who lived closer found childcare.

My Grandmother however saw it as a personal affront and essentially bullied my cousin into changing his mind. She is still "off" with the bride a good year later (and the bride can't stand her). The whole thing was hugely uncomfortable for all concerned.