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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To request no kids on the wedding invites?

426 replies

Curlyhepburn · 24/08/2017 07:45

The wedding is a while off yet but just planning now and it occurred to me that I dont know how to go about it, we have 3 kids of our own between us, youngest will be 13 at the time and we are both clear on not wanting very young kids/babies.

I know this isnt always popular with families and I wondered if its reasonable to include a note of this in the info card to go out with the invites?
Am I being daft?

OP posts:
TickedOff · 24/08/2017 16:00

And it's been pretty obvious on the invite when kids aren't expected to attend, just mine & dp's name is on it, I've never felt the need to query this.

milliemolliemou · 24/08/2017 16:03

I think no children is a bit more of a thing nowadays

  1. Weddings are increasingly more about the B&G and their friends not family ceilidhs. Some venues charge ridiculous amounts for children's meals.
  2. So there's not so much the whole family celebrates with kids on the dance floor type thing (so free childcare) especially with families far flung.
  3. Unhappy and bored young children can be a pain. I remember a toddler with a noisy car interrupting a GF's vows (wasn't taken out) and babies screaming through another friends wedding - they were all taken out in series but one set the other off and so on. It's not new and if it's not something OP can tolerate she's right to say no.
  4. OP should be clear on invitations - regret no children under XX or whatever and make sure as PP have suggested that DH and PILS are briefed this means what it says.
  5. In OPs case it could mean with families billeted with other families they could book trustworthy childcare but with the venue 40 minutes away may not choose to do so. She and her DP will just have to accept some people won't travel.
Mittens1969 · 24/08/2017 16:05

I agree, Neutrogena, it's not about being a real friend. If you can't arrange childcare that's how it is. Some people seem to think everyone has grandparents on tap, which is not the case. And the trouble with weddings is that the people parents would normally ask will very likely be at the wedding themselves.

Or sometimes one partner will go and the other will look after the children. (This makes it harder for single parents of course.)

So it's not a measure of genuine friendship. But real friends will support you and not moan about it on mumsnet.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 24/08/2017 16:08

Nor me ticked!

I think some people do query or make the wrong assumption and bring their whole family along. I wouldn't risk it if I was adamant I didn't want children there.

Make it clear, make no exceptions and just accept the fact that some won't be able to come.

TickedOff · 24/08/2017 16:08

OTOH I've recently attended a wedding where kids were invited, smaller venue, not as many guests though and it was a fantastic day/night. Easy access for the kids outside, they had a fab time.

Mittens1969 · 24/08/2017 16:26

Agreed, CatsAreAssholes, I never realised that childfree weddings were such a thing, I went to a fair few in years gone by and none of them were child free.

It never occurred to DH and me to exclude children. There were about 20 small children so if we'd said no children quite a few friends we really wanted to come wouldn't have been able to, as they were coming from a long distance away. And we had a newborn as well.

In the event some arranged childcare and only brought their younger child, some local friends arranged childcare for the reception.

But it would have been impossible to exclude them so I'm glad we didn't.

But with weddings costing so much I can understand it if it would cost too much. And a lot of venues that people choose these days are not appropriate for children either.

Tumbleweed101 · 24/08/2017 16:38

You aren't being unreasonable although it might be a shame for those who'd otherwise be there but can't get childcare.

I missed my aunts wedding because of this as all my usual babysitters were also at the wedding! I wasn't able to afford to pay for childcare as I would have had to be away overnight.

grandOlejukeofYork · 24/08/2017 17:01

Weddings are increasingly more about the B&G and their friends not family ceilidhs

Well since most people aren't scottish or Irish, few people ever had family ceilidhs. And it was always pretty common to have child free or very limited child weddings, it's nothing new.

Land0r · 24/08/2017 17:16

For all those saying that babies may scream and ruin the ceremony.

We had a small child-free wedding 20 years ago - purely because none of our friends had children at the time and there were no young children in the family. My cousins were there but they were 12 and 14, so not little. However, we had a screaming baby during the ceremony - we had no idea who this was as we knew none of our guests had a baby! One of our friends who'd been sitting in the same pew told us we'd had a couple present - with their screaming baby - who had inadvertently turned up to the wrong wedding! Very similar, but not identical place names (ours a tiny village, theirs a large town!) but 70 odd miles apart. For some reason known only unto them, they decided not to leave, even when they realised they were at the wrong wedding! We didn't ever get to speak to them, or even see them, as I guess they high-tailed it out of there as soon as the ceremony ended. Running VERY late for the wedding they were supposed to be at!

So... even when invited guests don't bring a baby, uninvited ones might!

Mittens1969 · 24/08/2017 17:43

@LoniceraJaponica, yes, Neutrogena tends to make extreme statements which make me wonder if she really believes them IRL.

All you can say is, if at all possible they will be at the wedding. Or, if it's a couple, one of them will be there.

WombatStewForTea · 24/08/2017 18:18

I think it's fine. People will either make arrangements for child care or not come.

Bottom of my cousins invite said 'while we love to watch children run and play, this is an adults only kind of day'.
Personally I'd put something on the invite just to make it totally obvious

PoppyPopcorn · 24/08/2017 18:49

Bottom of my cousins invite said 'while we love to watch children run and play, this is an adults only kind of day

Bloody AWFUL. Not the sentiment, the shitey rhyme. Bet they had an equally shite poem about "presence not presents" or asking for guests to fund their honeymoon.

hooochycoo · 24/08/2017 19:01

Dukeofyork- Most people on mumsnet? Most people in the U.K.? Most people in the world?

Just interchange the word ceilidh for party !

WombatStewForTea · 24/08/2017 19:02

Poppy actually they didn't!
Not to my preference but made it obvious enough that nobody can claim to not understand

dontbesillyhenry · 24/08/2017 19:22

Ahh this old chestnut. People are so aggressive about other people's wishes I dont get it.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 24/08/2017 19:47

Apart from the one wedding I mentioned in a previous post (which DH went to and I stayed home with DCs), every other wedding I've ever been invited to included children.

The first wedding I can remember attending was when I was four - it was my mum's cousin's wedding and my brother was just a few months old and I can vividly remember 'dancing' (being carried around the dance floor) with the bridegroom to 'Tie a Yellow Ribbon'.

I had a big traditional Catholic Church wedding and remember the fun and laughter provided by the children who came. Especially my three year old cousin saying "Mummy, BuggerOff looks pretty in that dress" during a quiet bit (all recorded for posterity and for embarrassing said cousin who is now nearly 30).

Sequence · 24/08/2017 19:47

What are "babes in arms" anyway? Does it mean up to about 3 as long as they can sit on someone's lap? Or a tiny baby who can't sit up on their own? I think it's less ambiguous to put "babies under X months".

SalamiSandwich · 24/08/2017 19:49

Babes in arms means babies who don't take up a space or need feeding, unlike a 3 year old.

BellsaRinging · 24/08/2017 19:55

i think it's helpful to make it clear from the off that no children are invited. My friend and her husband put a card in with all the invitations (so it didn't look 'targeted' iyswim) explaining that a lot of their friends had young children and that they therefore weren't able to invite them all because of space constraints and had decided to have no children.
I think it's fine to have no children but do think that if you don't make it clear from the start then it can cause problems (because some people regardless of the etiquette will assume their children are invited unles specifically told not)
Have a great day!

Gilly12345 · 24/08/2017 20:14

It is your choice to make and I would be crystal clear at your earliest opportunity, I have teenagers myself but I do think a lot of people are 'love me love my children' , we had a very small wedding and had 3 children there which was lovely but any more does get difficult, my two daughters are students and have a weekend job as waitresses at a castle wedding venue, some of the stories they tell me about tipsy/drunk parents and unsupervised children make me cringe!

Whatsername17 · 24/08/2017 20:20

If you don't want to specifically say 'no Kids then name the invitees on the invite and include a card in which they choose either the meat or veggie option for the meal.
Mr John Smith carnivore () herbivore ()
^^ This type of thing. It makes it clear that the children aren't invited. I would always opt for a babysitter when invited to a wedding. My girls would be bored rigid.

dontbesillyhenry · 24/08/2017 20:24

Buggeroff that's nice but many people have weddings with no kids and have a fab time/fab memories

ILiveForNachos · 24/08/2017 20:27

We wanted to book a small venue that was special to us. Having children would have added 45 to the guest list! We spoke to close friends to check they could make it work and then said on invites it was adult only. We also messaged all our friends of very young babies to say they were absolutely welcome before they received their invite especially as most were still breastfeeding too. I guess having a small wedding means we knew all our guests well enough to have these conversations before hand but put it on the invite to make sure anyway!

ashleighbean · 24/08/2017 20:28

We got invited to a wedding our daughter wasnt it was my husbands friend and 4hrs from where we live she was only 2 at the time so he went and I stayed home with our daughter

expatinscotland · 24/08/2017 20:28

Just don't ask for money as a gift or for people to fund your honeymoon, new house, etc. And yy to not phrasing a childfree wedding as an opportunity. And accept that some people won't be able to or will chose not to come if it's childfree, particularly if travel is involved.

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