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AIBU?

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Original poster

To request no kids on the wedding invites?

426 replies

Curlyhepburn · 24/08/2017 07:45

The wedding is a while off yet but just planning now and it occurred to me that I dont know how to go about it, we have 3 kids of our own between us, youngest will be 13 at the time and we are both clear on not wanting very young kids/babies.

I know this isnt always popular with families and I wondered if its reasonable to include a note of this in the info card to go out with the invites?
Am I being daft?

OP posts:
RaspberryOverload · 24/08/2017 14:00

If you don't want people to bring their children then it should be clearly on the invite IMO.

It is clearly stated, because the children aren't named on the invite and are therefore not invited.

I think we should all be specific, because there are regional/local variations, and we simply cannot assume that the above means the same thing everywhere.

I don't care what the correct thing is, hardly anyone in my town has any reason to read Debretts, so it's actually irrelevant what is correct. What is relevant is local custom, and our local custom is to put head of the family on the invitation to cover the whole family.

If people want to avoid and hassle or angst, be clear on the invite, or include a note, anything to make your wishes clear.

tentative3 · 24/08/2017 14:01

'If you have a limited number of times you can get babysitters for a full day event, I think I'd like to do something more than attend a wedding'

How insulting.

It's not insulting at all, weddings are just weddings. I don't have kids but do work shifts and have limited annual leave (more than half of which I cannot choose the dates) and work most Saturdays, when weddings tend to be. I'd use leave or call in whatever favours I needed for some weddings but for others if it happens to be a day I'm off I'd go, otherwise I'd politely decline - my annual leave is precious and I wouldn't use it for the wedding of someone I'm not close to, same as I can understand parents not calling in babysitting favours for some weddings.

LizzieMacQueen · 24/08/2017 14:06

As it's in Scotland and they are travelling I'd be inclined to have a child free ceremony and meal but follow with a ceilidh to which all are invited. Ceilidhs really liven up with the presence of a few toddlers.

If they are all family then chances are they could sort out a rota between them for the child care throughout the day - especially if there are self catering chalets available.

gayalulir · 24/08/2017 14:06

This reply has been deleted

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Nomoreboomandbust · 24/08/2017 14:08

Mmmm I wouldn't fall into the 'but what about breastfeeding mums' bollocks.. that can be anything up to 4 for some people.

Invites are for the names on the invites but for the terminally confused if you want no kids then state 'no children' on the invite but in a more polite way Grin

Nomoreboomandbust · 24/08/2017 14:09

Hello gay

Childfree weddings discuss

Nomoreboomandbust · 24/08/2017 14:12

Raspberry

Er who is head of your family then?

In mine it's a joint headship between me and dh.

I would assume the person writing the invite to my dh as 'head of the family' massively funny and equally ridiculous and old fashioned.

DancesWithOtters · 24/08/2017 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flowery · 24/08/2017 14:18

Seems a bit odd to compromise on the kind of wedding you want in order for your fiancé to be able to invite his family, only to the make a choice which will effectively mean that a lot of his family won't be able to come anyway? You say yourself a lot of them will be travelling and stay for a few days. Babysitting a lot harder to come by than for a local wedding.

Twitchingdog · 24/08/2017 14:23

If you are not inviting nieces and nephews there will trouble.

Cousin kids maybe a little trouble .
Friends kids well they will not come or just one of couple will come .

Coastalcommand · 24/08/2017 14:34

Invite whoever you like, but can we call them invitations rather than invites please?

CatsAreAssholes · 24/08/2017 14:40

If half of the posters here think you're supposed to only put the adults name and that means everyone is invited- andbhave done that themselves....

It's obviously not clear that not naming the child doesn't mean they're not invited. So stop being a Dick about it, etiquette is not universal. If you want something say something.

RaspberryOverload · 24/08/2017 14:58

Head of family, sometimes the bloke, sometimes people out the couple's names, but generally, children not on invitation but they were included.

It's changing, but very slowly. But the point I was making is that the so called correct way is not universal, so please be specific. It's not going to kill people to be clear.

NoseyJosey · 24/08/2017 14:59

I'm marking my place before I read through this with a glass later... 🍷

I'm recently married. I invited a friend who replied that only she could come, not her boyfriend. He wasn't invited for reasons I'm not going in to. She just assumed. Definitely put on the invites no children or people will assume or think they're the exception.

I agree to decide your criteria before. Some people won't attend without their children. Not always to be arses. I don't live near my family, so if all dh family are at a wedding with us, there is no childcare. It's sometimes just how it goes. Make sure you're happy to sacrifice these people.

Personally I'm enough of a bitch that I could live with different rules for different people. If your sister and distant cousin absolutely has to bring the kids, tell sister yes and cousin no if necessary.

Dint forget that often things will go wrong or someone will be ridiculous on the day and you won't give a shit because you're so happy. It's all about perspective.

RidingMyBike · 24/08/2017 15:04

Just make it clear beforehand and don't be offended if people can't come. We have no childcare available (grandparents dead or not physically able to babysit) so we simply wouldn't be able to attend a child-free wedding.

We allowed children at ours - 15 under-fives were there and it was brilliant. We were so immersed in the ceremony I wasn't aware of anything happening noise wise from the congregation and it was a church wedding so longer than a civil ceremony. I did a little activity pack for each of the toddlers and pre-schoolers with stuff from Poundland, mostly colouring. The parents loved it. So did the kids ;-)

stalkingfred · 24/08/2017 15:15

That's fine, your wedding. I've been to weddings that say no children and some that don't specify but to be honest, unless my children's names are on the invite i assume they're not invited.

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying it on the invite, i would view it purely as information the same way I would a dress code.

newbian · 24/08/2017 15:16

In both DH and my culture weddings are for everyone including children and an invitation is assumed to be for a household not just the named individuals. So don't think anyone who doesn't "get" that only adults are invited is an idiot. The concept of a child free wedding honestly never crossed my mind. We had kids as young as babies, my 5 year old cousins had a dance off, it was wonderful.

OP hope you have the wedding of your dreams but BE CLEAR about what you want on the invitation. I would be one of those fools trying to bring my kids along if it was t explicit Confused

CatsAreAssholes · 24/08/2017 15:26

Do people think that every person does an etiquette class before getting married? Hmm

SalamiSandwich · 24/08/2017 15:28

We had a child free wedding but still allowed friends to bring their 6 week old (who didn't make a peep). As I'd rather my friends actually came to my wedding than stay at home because I wouldn't let them bring their newborn. Not all babies scream.

McTufty · 24/08/2017 15:30

Not all babies scream

True, but some do and you won't know until it's too late if the babies you invite will wail, and if so if their parents will be considerate.

2014newme · 24/08/2017 15:30

Well yes all babies do scream but it's good thus one didn't during the service

meltingmarshmallows · 24/08/2017 15:36

I don't think it has to be a huge issue at all, it's your day and it should be exactly as you want it.

But I agree with PP, there are tons of reasons someone might interpret the invitation differently. Culture, other weddings they've been to, how they did it etc.

It doesn't make people 'idiots'. Not everyone is as clued up on this kind of thing. I'd state clearly that you're not able to host children under X age. Straight forward and gives people plenty of time.

LucyLugosi · 24/08/2017 15:46

I invited children to my wedding (divorced now but that's by the by) and none of the parents brought them because they were excited for a party 😅

I'm getting married again in the next few years, and won't be inviting children. Can't imagine any of my friends being annoyed!

Decaffstilltastesweird · 24/08/2017 15:52

Definitely make it completely clear beforehand. Otherwise, you'll have a few children turn up I imagine. Then you won't have the wedding you wanted, all the people who rightly assumed their dcs were not invited will be peeved thay they've had to go to the trouble of arranging a babysitter etc, but half the guests have brought their dc along anyway.

Fwiw, I'm with tentative. Some weddings I will move hell and high water to attend. Others just aren't all that important to me. I wish them well and a lovely day, but don't think I'm obligated to attend. I probably turn down about a third, or maybe more, of the wedding invites I receive. Nobody has disowned me yet!

TickedOff · 24/08/2017 15:58

Wouldn't bother me, in fact, dp and I went to a wedding last year, stayed overnight, no kids invited. Absolute bliss.

We do however have pretty easy babysitting options available to us so it's never really an issue trying to get a day/night away. Might be more troublesome for others though. On the rare occasion we've struggled only one of us has attended, this has usually been on an evening do.

It's your wedding, your day. Most people will be fine with it.