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Original poster

Who should have been allowed to use the shower first? DH or DD???

126 replies

LastChristmas100 · 23/08/2017 23:54

DH has been visiting family this evening (a 2 hour drive away) and picked up DD from work on the way home (she's 18 and finishes at 11pm) they both got in very tired. DD works in a supermarket doing shelves, DH has had a long drive home. He pays the bills, who should have got it first?

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 24/08/2017 09:47

DD said no

What? A parent makes the comment 'I'm having a shower when we get in' and the child says 'No'. Seriously. How bloody rude.

Eolian · 24/08/2017 09:49

FFS. I am very glad I don't live in a family where simple matters like showers need to be decided by rank, status and pay. How petty.

I'd expect the conversation to go more like this:
Dh/dd: "Do you want the shower first?"
Dd/dh: "Yeah, thanks". / "No it's ok - you go first".

Letting the dd go first isn't encouraging selfish or disrespectful behaviour towards her 'elders and betters', it's modelling kindness and cooperation within family relationships.

Responsible, kind behaviour isn't generally a result of fear, low status and 'not daring' to expect to be treated well. Kids learn pettiness, selfishness and entitlement from their parents.

sharksDen · 24/08/2017 10:00

whoever

HTH

Migraleve · 24/08/2017 10:01

And frankly, I'm with your DH, he said he was going to use the shower, it's his house.

Fucking hell.

I might be way off the mark but in our family the house is the house, the family home! We don't make the DC's feel like lesser people simply because we 'own' the house. What an absolutely awful attitude towards DC's. Do people start to drum it into them from a small age? 'It's my house, don't ever feel comfortable, you are only temporary' Hmm

WiganPierre · 24/08/2017 10:05

Your DH sounds very childish. Your DD had been at work; he should have waited for her. No big deal. My DH would always let our children go first.

liz70 · 24/08/2017 10:18

"Get in their first, have a big dump and play on your phone for 45 mins.
That'll teach them."

Best answer on this thread! Grin

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 24/08/2017 10:40

Letting the dd go first isn't encouraging selfish or disrespectful behaviour towards her 'elders and betters', it's modelling kindness and cooperation within family relationships.

Responsible, kind behaviour isn't generally a result of fear, low status and 'not daring' to expect to be treated well. Kids learn pettiness, selfishness and entitlement from their parents.

This!!!!!!!

I hate the attitude of "respecting elders"! Children should be treated with respect too!

BarbarianMum · 24/08/2017 10:45

If one of my ds's told their dad he couldn't have a shower after he'd just given them a lift, they'd be told to have a wash under the outside tap.

I somehow suspect if it was a teenage boy talking to his mum like this the responses would be very different.

FlandersRocks · 24/08/2017 10:45

DH said he was going to be having a shower when he gets in and DD said no because she always has one as soon as she gets in from work

She said no/told him he couldn't? Your dd is bu and in your dh's shoes I'd have showered first after that.

Hotheadwheresthecoldbath · 24/08/2017 10:48

Your DH,he did your dd a favour picking her up from work so she should return the favour by letting him have the first shower while she has a cup of tea.
Why are you involved,leave them to it.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 24/08/2017 10:53

The person who is usually quickest is our rule. However, if someone has been doing something and feels grubby, they get priority. This includes commuting on the tube, as we established after the Great Shower Arguement of 2015.

SapphireSeptember · 24/08/2017 11:05

Does your DD pay rent? Because if she does she'd also be contributing to the bills.

But anyway, she'd been at work and if she always has a shower when she gets in, she should get to go first. The 'I pay the bills' bit just makes your DH sound pathetic. He also chose to have kids.

BlurryFace · 24/08/2017 11:06

DD, shelf stacking is filthy work. After clocking out we would all be queuing for the toilets/canteen sinks to scrub our hands as we were black with grime from the elbows down.

Beebee7 · 24/08/2017 11:07

Toss a coin. Obvs. Grin

Couldn't have a shower in 2 minutes by the way. 5-7 minutes minimum, and that's without washing my hair.

Whinesalot · 24/08/2017 11:11

Dh because he had a longer drive, picked her up and bagsied it first. Also I'd be peeved that I was "allowed" it

MedSchoolRat · 24/08/2017 11:21

The person who takes a shower fastest goes first.
Unlikely to be the teenager, so...

dinahmorris · 24/08/2017 11:27

Whoever has been working should get the first shower. People who have had a nice day socialising with family should wait. (For the record I consider being a SAHP to be work.) People who offer lifts get a cuppa made for them when they get in. People who say 'I pay the bills' to get extra privileges in a family home at twats.

GabsAlot · 24/08/2017 12:56

my dh pays all th bills does that mean he gets first choic of shower tv food?

no i dont think so

i drove to devon lat week much longer than 2 hours i was tired yes but int feel the need for an immediate shower

BabychamSocialist · 24/08/2017 13:01

In my experience, men shower quicker than women do. No idea why, but based on my sons and partner, it's true. My brothers always showered quicker than my sisters as well.

mirime · 24/08/2017 13:12

I've worked in retail, even if it had been a 12 hour shift and nearly midnight when I got home I'd have a shower. Just felt manky otherwise, and I worked in a clothes shop.

If it was me I'd have let the DD have a shower first while I had a cup of tea.

abigamarone · 24/08/2017 13:36

I suspect I must be a crap mum because I use the 'my house, my sofa' argument to move someone sat in my favourite spot. Although sitting next to them tends to have the same outcome.

There are two things that come to mind from reading this thread :

  1. I don't think driving for two hours is stress free. I'd take a shift stacking shelves over driving a 4-hour round trip any day.
  2. This idea that a decent parent must ALWAYS put their child first, whatever their age.

Does your daughter take the post-work pick-up for granted?

melj1213 · 24/08/2017 15:36

I don't think driving for two hours is stress free. I'd take a shift stacking shelves over driving a 4-hour round trip any day.

Have you been a shelf stacker? Because it's hard work and it leaves you tired, grubby/dirty and feeling like you need a good scrub. Once, I was working in a far part of our warehouse and when I showered that night, when I washed my hair the water ran grey from all the dust and dirt. Also I would assume the DDs shift was at least as long as, if not longer than the drive time (without the sitting and socialising in between) .... in my supermarket the shortest shop floor shifts are 4 hours but most are between 6-8 hours.

Driving is tiring but in no way does it make you dirty ... and depending on the area you live 2 hrs could be stressful or it could be a pretty straightforward trip - I live in the Lakes and a 2hr trip could easily be a leisure drive through the country, we are a 45 minute drive from even the closest motorway, and it was his choice to make that trip.

When it comes to showering, I would give priority to the person who needed the shower - ie the one who needed to shower to wash off the dirt/grime from their day ... in this case the DDs need was greater than her dad's who just wanted a shower to wind down and refresh after his trip.

I somehow suspect if it was a teenage boy talking to his mum like this the responses would be very different.

Not if the situation was the same - I would still say the person who gets priority is the one who needs it more, and in this case it's the child.

Then again anyone who resorts to petty arguments such as "My house, my rules" and "I pay the bills so I get first dibs" does sound more like the child here so ...

Cailleach666 · 24/08/2017 16:15

I use the 'my house, my sofa'

Is it not also the home of the child though?

Children are not economically independent- and they have no choice over that.
Why should they be treated like lesser family members.

abigamarone
If you were a SAHM and not earning while your OH paid the mortgage does that mean he gets first choice over you?

DodgyGround · 24/08/2017 16:23

From your posts, op, it reads as though your DH verbalised his intention to shower first, and your dd followed up with her intention afterwards.

First come first served.

But I don't think much of a parent who can't hang on for 10 minutes for someone who has just worked all day, especially if he knows it's always her routine to shower as soon as she gets in the door. Seems quite a selfish act, and I'm wondering why he'd take that route?

QuackPorridgeBacon · 25/08/2017 12:46

What are these ten minute showers about lol I take at least 20. Then again it's also me time.

If the dad mentioned going for a shower first then he should be first. You can't voice afterwards and then expect to go first. Saying that if the dad hasn't been at work then he could just let her freshen up after work first but he doesn't have to. If she mentioned going first then he should wait.