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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask ex to pick up DD

118 replies

Wetwashing00 · 23/08/2017 20:55

I'll try not to drip feed, please bear with.
I'm due to move 15 miles away from our current home. Ex-p has always lived less than a mile from us and can easily walk to pick up our DD, even though he rarely does and regularly bullies me into picking/dropping her myself.
I haven't told him yet that we are moving and I'm just worrying over his reaction. I just don't want to be bullied into doing all the handing over as he will no doubt say it's my choice to move so far away and he will also imply that I'm doing it to make it harder for him. He doesn't drive, but there are buses/trains to the new house. I agree that it's not not going to be as easy for him to pick her up but am I really being unreasonable to ask that he collects her and I will pick her up? Trying to keep this fair for both of us.

OP posts:
HeartStrings · 23/08/2017 21:02

To be honest if he drove it would be different but considering he doesn't and would have to take public transport I'd say maybe you should make the effort as you're choosing to move further away and it's not fair on him.
Having said that if he doesn't make the effort now when he's living closer then he's going to make even less of an effort after you move.
I get that you have your reasons for moving so far away so I guess it depends on how much he wants to see his DC

RainbowPastel · 23/08/2017 21:06

You are the one choosing to move away so you should do the majority of the picking up and dropping off.

lunar1 · 23/08/2017 21:10

15 miles on public transport is not going to be fun for anyone, especially your child. You are moving, you should do the lions share of the transport and costs incurred.

Original poster
Wetwashing00 · 23/08/2017 21:10

His GF drives him about for everything but they are currently without a car, although I don't think this is permanent.I will end up doing it forever if I don't put my foot down as it will only ever be me or his GF otherwise. I know that she's not happy about doing it on his behalf and they have had rows about it. But I don't see why getting on a bus is really that much big of a deal, it's to see his child.

OP posts:
ChevalierTialys · 23/08/2017 21:11

You're moving 15 miles away, knowing that will result in DD spending loads of time on public transport in order to see her Dad and you're wondering if its unreasonable to make him do all the travelling.....?

Think we need more information, because from what you've said it just sounds like you're massively selfish and YABU.

caffeinestream · 23/08/2017 21:12

I think as you chose to move, you should do half the travelling.

caffeinestream · 23/08/2017 21:12

*more than half, sorry.

Mama234 · 23/08/2017 21:14

I think if you move away you do the traveling.

Original poster
Wetwashing00 · 23/08/2017 21:14

If pp would read my op I did say I would pick her up if he could collect her. So that being half of the travelling. Of course I would expect to do at least half

OP posts:
Mrscropley · 23/08/2017 21:15

How old is dd?

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 23/08/2017 21:15

If you drive and it's 15 miles then unless you're ill I'd do the pickup and drop off. You're moving and he doesn't drive, even if it does set a precedent it's not such a hardship really.

Muddlingalongalone · 23/08/2017 21:16

For me if you are "choosing" to move then you should be doing the travelling especially if you drive and ExH doesn't but it also depends on why you're moving.
How old is your dd? Will she be able to travel on public transport soon?

Original poster
Wetwashing00 · 23/08/2017 21:17

The only other info I can give is that on certain handing over times I will already be in work so I'd be unable to drop her over until the next day. Which would then mean he misses out on one evening with her, he will probably kick off about that too

OP posts:
SisterhoodisPowerful · 23/08/2017 21:18

On MN, any woman who moves even 10 feet is labelled selfish. A man moves 250 miles away, refuses to pay maintenance and is an asshole is still classed as a necessary parent. Despite doing nothing. 🙄

You're allowed to move. And moving away from a bully is a good plan. He steps up and does half.

BoneyBackJefferson · 23/08/2017 21:19

You move, you should do the travelling.

The only other option that I can see would be that (if the school is in the same place as he lives), he gets her from school/club on Friday and drops her off at school/club Monday and possibly the same overnight in the week.

Original poster
Wetwashing00 · 23/08/2017 21:19

she is 10, not old enough to travel alone. It's the only property that has been offered to me and my DD will benefit from her own room. She currently shares with a younger sibling which causes problems between them

OP posts:
RainbowPastel · 23/08/2017 21:23

I think you should do at least 2/3 of the travelling.

Gimmeallthecoffee · 23/08/2017 21:23

In all honesty I think your being a little selfish and your ex will have every right to be annoyed and upset over this. Public transport is pretty grim at the best of times, particularly in winter or when it's raining. There's then also the cost and also the fact that buses/trains aren't always reliable.

ShutTheFridgeUp · 23/08/2017 21:28

I know someone who does a 4 hour round trip every other weekend to pick up his son.
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, especially as you are offering to do a pick up.

Handsfull13 · 23/08/2017 21:33

As harsh as it may sound, if he isn't willing to do the journey to see his child then is he worth having around in their life.
He can bitch as much as he want but if he want to see DC that much then he will do it.
Definitely offer to pick up not drop off or he will turn it around and refuse to drop off once he has DC forcing your hand

chitofftheshovel · 23/08/2017 21:33

Presumably you are moving to a place with good public transport links?

scrabbler3 · 23/08/2017 21:35

10? In a year's time she will be able to get a bus on her own. Meanwhile, for the sake of harmony, do as much as you can to make it easy on everyone (including you - you don't want to argue with her dad if it's avoidable I guess, life's too short).

caffeinestream · 23/08/2017 21:38

I think most decent parents would be willing to travel 10 miles to see their child - it's hardly the other end of the country! I think you've been reasonable in agreeing to do 50% and actually, re-reading your posts, your ex needs to step up. You only live a mile away from him at the moment and he already moans having to come and collect her? Pathetic.

If he doesn't drive, he needs to find another way of getting there. Plenty of parents don't drive and they manage just fine - they walk, get taxis, get the bus/train, cycle, etc. If he wants to see his child, he'll do any of those things to get there. Or learn to drive.

A grown man who moans about walking a mile to see their kids sounds a bit ridiculous, to be honest.

FloweryTeapot · 23/08/2017 21:42

But I don't see why getting on a bus is really that much big of a deal

Getting a bus the 12 miles from my home to the shop where I volunteer takes an hour. Fortunately it's only 10 minutes walk to my local train station - the train takes 17 mins. If I had to take the bus I wouldn't go. How long is the bus journey in hrs and mins?

luckylucky24 · 23/08/2017 21:44

I think it depends how often he sees her. If he is expected to get a bus 3 times a week to see her then that could be unfair but once a week I don't think is asking a lot. 15 miles is what 40 mins?

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