AIBU to ask ex to pick up DD

[Wetwashing00]

I'll try not to drip feed, please bear with.
I'm due to move 15 miles away from our current home. Ex-p has always lived less than a mile from us and can easily walk to pick up our DD, even though he rarely does and regularly bullies me into picking/dropping her myself.
I haven't told him yet that we are moving and I'm just worrying over his reaction. I just don't want to be bullied into doing all the handing over as he will no doubt say it's my choice to move so far away and he will also imply that I'm doing it to make it harder for him. He doesn't drive, but there are buses/trains to the new house. I agree that it's not not going to be as easy for him to pick her up but am I really being unreasonable to ask that he collects her and I will pick her up? Trying to keep this fair for both of us.

I used to do a two and half hour bus journey to a contact centre with my children so twatface could have contact with my children. It was exhausting and very miserable. We changed three buses for that nightmare journey as well.

I'd make it as happy as possible for my dc, take them for hot chocolate when we got there, get there early so we could walk around a bit have a picnic occasionally.

But the journey itself was a nightmare for the children & me.

Atenco

Where did/do you live?

I grew up in a rural area, with no car, the bus service used to be a bus to the nearest towns, every hour. Its was very easy. although it took 1.5 to get there.

When the bus service was nationalised the system became seriously messed up, one town has a bus only on a Wednesday, another town has two buses in the morning and one bus back in the evening. several towns are no longer accessible by direct bus and you have to go 1.5 hours in the other direction to get a bus that gets to the other town. The really interesting thing is that the bus that you get off is the only bus back.

So all this talk of buses depends entirely on your experience of them.

Yours good
Mine extremely poor.

Privatised not nationalised.

BoneyBackJefferson
Our current arrangement is not stuck to by my ex-p and he lives so close ATM. The arrangement would still be the same as it is now, just a little further to travel.
I still allow changes occasionally for social events that are for our DD sake.
I don't see why moving house is any different to that, if anything it is a more plausible reason for arrangement change.
Our mediator explained that some flexiablity should be shown on both sides, as arrangements will naturally occur as she grows up.
It's unrealistic to expect us to always live so close just so he can travel the bare minimum.

I agree it's not as bad, but bus journeys for over an hour are draining.

Does your ex not have any plans to learn to drive op?

Oh honestly, it's an 80 minute bus ride once a fortnight! It won't kill her, exhaust her or make her life miserable. Public transport is a fact of life for thousands of people - she'll cope just like everyone else does.

It's not like she'll be doing it daily or even weekly - it's once a week so she can spend some time with her dad! At 10, she can sit with her dad and they can talk and catch up. It's hardly the end of the world.

MN can be so dramatic sometimes.

I don't know if he plans to drive in the future, he is 32.

Sorry op not rtft.

In my opinion YANBU as he is her father he should be making an effort. If it was me I would walk for days if need be to see my children I don't understand this mentality of "oh you should do it all your mum".

If he moved away say 200 miles and was an absolute idiot and done nothing MN would tell you that he is trying his hardest being so far away and that you should do half the traveling.

I think you should make him do half the traveling if he really wants to see his daughter he will do it without a fuss if he doesn't then he obviously isn't bothered about seeing your DD so why would you facilitate something he isn't willing to do himself.

Op - take the house. It sound much better for you and the children, and you might not get an option to move elsewhere in the near future. It is unreasonable that you should have to stay living within a miles radius of your ex just so it makes his life easier.

I have two kids, two different fathers. 1st child I spent a fortune enabling contact, had to fly to location, stay with ex for the weekend etc. All paid by me as he never had any money. Went on for years and consistently let my son down. In the end I stopped all contact and he hasn't been in touch for 5 years.

2nd child, I make sure child is available for contact at agreed times, I don't do any of the running around. He collects and drops off. My way of thinking is that I have her 24 hours a day, 7 days a week (apart from the 10 hours he has her) - least he can do in raising his child is to do pick ups and drop offs. He never has to get up early in the morning, never gets woken in the night, doesn't deal with puke and all the rest of it, so why should I start running around for his benefit when he does the bare minimum anyways? Plus I got my fingers seriously burnt with first child - so my views are possibly swayed.

Him not having transport would sway me (although his gf's reluctance to pick up your dd would worry me) - I would do half the drop offs in your situation for now. That would be it. He needs to take some responsibilities for seeing his child.

BoneyBackJefferson I don't live in the UK anymore, but I honestly think this is the sort of thing the British, especially people who are against pollution and traffic congestion, should be campaigning about.

coast I get sick reading in a car but I can on a bus.

I don't think him not driving or never learning is an issue. I don't drive and don't feel like learning anytime soon. He should go to pick up his child though. Buses aren't great but they aren't the worst either.

You're choosing to move, your choice, you should do the drop off and pick up

YANBU for wanting to move home if it means a better future for your DCs.

Part of the hassle of splitting up is trying to manage the custody and access time and your EXP is going to have to suck it up. Why should you stop your DC's from having a better life just so his life can be made easier for access?

If he is committed to his child he will have to accept the new living arrangements. You make decisions that are best for you and your DC's NOT him. Any decent DF will understand this and put it FIRST before their own feelings.

Meet him halfway; be that sharing the travelling arrangements or literally meet him halfway so his travelling time and cost is kept as low as possible.

The fact he doesn't drive is NOT your problem; it's his.

Move you would be mad not too under the circumstances. Offer him either way- pick up or drop off and be flexible with times so that travel is allowed.

I have a controlling ex. He changes times, shifts, doesn't pay on the day maintenance is due. Drives me mad. I try my hardest to be amicable but sometimes you need to say no. It teaches them nothing if they see you acting like a doormat. He doesn't live in Siberia- it's completely reasonable.

jenny well yeah.. she is choosing to move, for the benefit of her children. Shouldn't they come before an ex? I mean, I know they share a child but surely he can travel a bit more (seeing as he doesn't even do so at the moment) to see his child that he must love, and as a father understand what putting your child first means.. right?

Atenco

but I honestly think this is the sort of thing the British,especially people who are against pollution and traffic congestion, should be campaigning about.

I agree, a better public transport system would improve things for everybody.

Unfortunately, I know from experience how hard it is to try and get this in anyone radar, especially as it will eventually boil down to money in vs money out.