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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask ex to pick up DD

118 replies

Wetwashing00 · 23/08/2017 20:55

I'll try not to drip feed, please bear with.
I'm due to move 15 miles away from our current home. Ex-p has always lived less than a mile from us and can easily walk to pick up our DD, even though he rarely does and regularly bullies me into picking/dropping her myself.
I haven't told him yet that we are moving and I'm just worrying over his reaction. I just don't want to be bullied into doing all the handing over as he will no doubt say it's my choice to move so far away and he will also imply that I'm doing it to make it harder for him. He doesn't drive, but there are buses/trains to the new house. I agree that it's not not going to be as easy for him to pick her up but am I really being unreasonable to ask that he collects her and I will pick her up? Trying to keep this fair for both of us.

OP posts:
ChevalierTialys · 23/08/2017 21:48

I know someone who does a 4 hour round trip every other weekend to pick up his son.

Hardly fair on the child is it? All those hours of travelling every other weekend.

Original poster
Wetwashing00 · 23/08/2017 21:48

Handsfull13
I was definitely thinking of offering to collect her for that exact reason.
He does that to me now and he's only a 15min walk away.
I have had to pack my little Ones dinner into a box to eat in the car because he has refused to drop her home.
He has a lot of control over when he wants to see her/ pick her up or drop her. If it doesn't tie into his life or if it's a tiny bit inconvenient then it's down to me to bring her home.
I guess I was hoping that if I only agreed to do half the travelling it would stop him from messing me about too much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wetwashing00 · 23/08/2017 21:51

ChevalierTialys
What would your suggestion be?
That all separated parents with children should only live within walking distance of each other?
Or since that travelling is so horrendous maybe they shouldn't see their other parent?

OP posts:
becotide · 23/08/2017 21:51

Ok, do that journey on the bus yourself - there and back - and with a small child.

that is what you are choosing to load onto someone else, instead of a 30 minute drive.

THEN think about if you are being FAIR. Not if you are being legally beyond prosecution - FAIR.

Allthewaves · 23/08/2017 21:55

If your moving then you should be doing the majority of the dropping off and picking up

Dutch1e · 23/08/2017 21:56

Typical MN. Wade through 2 pages of unthinking YABU before the actual responses begin.

If your ex has been reluctant to do pickups when he's a mere mile from his DD then it really doesn't matter where you live, does it? He'll continue to use this as a hammer to bash you with.

Tell him the same thing everyone else gets told around here - learn to drive and take responsibility for your children

kath6144 · 23/08/2017 21:58

Becotide - but she isnt a small child, she is 10?

At age 11 I was travelling on buses to go to school about 25 miles away, alone! This is a grown man travelling 15 to pick up his 10yr old.

Op, I dont think YABU. Stick to your guns.

innagazing · 23/08/2017 22:00

FFS it's only 15 miles! Loads of people travel more than that on a twice daily basis to get to work. Of course he can do it, so long as there's public transport.

The op is being very reasonable in collecting DD. It's a very fair and workable solution.

Original poster
Wetwashing00 · 23/08/2017 22:04

To the poster that asked... a bus ride can be between 1hr and 1hr 20 mins depending on bus number.
I would ride a 2 hour bus with a homeless perv sneezing on my neck of it meant I would get to see my child. But hey that just me.
Is 15 miles really so bad? Am I just being selfish because he's had it easy? And now he will actually have to move his arse for the sake of seeing his DD.
I appreciate the posters who have said I am not being unreasonable. But I am thinking of offering to do more than half the travelling since they are without a car at the moment.

So my second AIBU is.... am I being unreasonable to ask him to do half the travelling when they have a car again? Although it's not actually his car but his GF's? Is that cheeky? She does all the driving for him anyway....

OP posts:
Frouby · 23/08/2017 22:12

Op yanbu.

You are probably moving for reasons other than to spite your ex.

I moved 8 miles from ex for reasons to do with schools, quality of life, nicer house and area. Instead of him collecting and returning from my mums I asked that he meet her from a bus.

He hasn't seen her in 6 months. Because it was too much of a bind to be on time once a fortnight. I suspect your ex will find it too difficult too.

Original poster
Wetwashing00 · 23/08/2017 22:16

At the moment my DD goes to his from Friday-Sunday eve fortnightly.
She did go over during the week she didn't see him but he wouldn't walk her to school in the morning when his GF refused to drive them so I stopped that.

OP posts:
sweetbitter · 23/08/2017 22:16

I think it's way too simplistic to say you're moving so you must do the travelling.

People move further apart for all sorts of reasonable reasons after separating, I know very few separated couples who both stayed in the exact same place they lived in as a couple. Often it's not affordable, or they have to move for work, or there's a new partner/spouse to take into account. Uprooting to somewhere hours away is obviously not good, but to the next town along? That's just life.

It's not like OP is moving across the country, it's 15 miles for god's sake. I think her ex should do some of the drop offs / pick ups on public transport but the problem is it sounds like he won't. Because he won't do it at the moment when you both live in close proximity...

ChevalierTialys · 23/08/2017 22:21

Half is not unreasonable once they have a car.

FYI when my DP's ex moved far away from us and insisted that if we wanted to see DSD we had to do ALL the travelling, bar nothing, we took her to court and got 50/50 residence to give DSD quality time with both her parents. The judge ordered ex to do half the travelling as well. Every other weekend, with hours of travelling every time, is not quality time and is not enough to build a normal family relationship with the child.

Original poster
Wetwashing00 · 23/08/2017 22:29

If I did all the drop offs there would be occasions I wouldn't be able to stick to our agreed times due to work. She would miss out on a Friday night for example, which then cuts short their time together. I have been expected to pick up the pieces for years and help along his contact through his various excuses.

OP posts:
faithinthesound · 23/08/2017 22:33

At my last job, I took two buses to get to work. It took an hour or so both ways. But I did it, every time, because life isn't always convenient and sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Ultimately, being able to pay my rent was worth the inconvenience of having to get two buses and take an hour to travel.

If he really wants to see his daughter he'll come to the same conclusion I did: that sometimes, you have to do what you have to do. OP isn't even making him do it both ways, like I had to. And my situation was just my job. This is his child.

TalkinBoutNuthin · 23/08/2017 22:36

You're not really moving through choice though, are you? You said it's the only house offered to you, so I'm assuming it's Housing Association?

If that's the case, YANBU. You are doing the best you can with the limited resources you have. He should do the same.

Original poster
Wetwashing00 · 23/08/2017 22:37

ChevalierTialys
So I'm only selfish and unreasonable because there's a bus involved? You're really not a fan of public transport are you?
Sounds like a very privileged life.... to always drive around via car. What the hell did we ever do without them?

OP posts:
ShutTheFridgeUp · 23/08/2017 22:42

Hardly fair on the child is it? All those hours of travelling every other weekend

Would you suggest that he just doesn't bother then? It's been that way for almost 13 years and neither have complained yet.

Original poster
Wetwashing00 · 23/08/2017 22:43

Mutual exchange with a housing association yes, and the only offer I have had in years. It's a newer build with the right to buy, nicer schools and a nice distance away from toxic people.

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 23/08/2017 22:44

I don't know why you're even bothering bending over backwards for him?

He's already decided that he's happy with reduced contact so he doesn't have to make the effort to take her to school the next day.
He's also decided that he will have contact only when others enable it for him Hmm

I'd just move and leave him to decide on how/when/where he will sort contact for his dd.

I take it you don't have anything court ordered?

You can't expect his gf to commit to driving him for anything dc related - she could be gone tomorrow and he'll use that as an excuse as to why he can't make his own arrangements.

TalkinBoutNuthin · 23/08/2017 22:48

Go, take the place. It sounds like a really good chance for you.

Deal with your ex when you have to.

BoneyBackJefferson · 23/08/2017 22:54

wetwashing

as you brought it up would you subject your child to a

2 hour bus ride with a homeless perv sneezing on my neck

Tumbleweed101 · 23/08/2017 22:57

If there is easy transport in place then it isn't unreasonable to expect him to do the journey if you are at work or otherwise unable to make the journey. You could always offer - as a favour - when you are free to do it.

If the other parent is willing to make the effort then it is fine to help out when you can. It isn't unreasonable to move if you will have a better quality of life with the move and your ex should appreciate that.

I do think both parents should do all they can to keep a good relationship going for the children though, so it will be in your child's best interests to stay in contact as much as possible (unless there are issues we've not been made aware of such as neglect or abuse).

Original poster
Wetwashing00 · 23/08/2017 23:00

Yes I would, I would sit next to/in front of homeless sneezing perv.
Me and DD would then offer them a tissue give them a few quid and ignore the rest (or report rude behaviour)

OP posts:
Original poster
Wetwashing00 · 23/08/2017 23:04

There is a long old history to our past relationship. It would require a new thread.
There's no court order in place, I pushed for mediation but he never turns up. In the end I gave in and resumed contact again for my daughters sake, she missed him loads. And although his behaviour is not acceptable it is not legally a crime so I felt I had no other options.
I put up with aggressive, bullying and controlling behaviour, limit contact between myself and him as much as possible. So my DD can see her father

OP posts:
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