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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask ex to pick up DD

118 replies

Wetwashing00 · 23/08/2017 20:55

I'll try not to drip feed, please bear with.
I'm due to move 15 miles away from our current home. Ex-p has always lived less than a mile from us and can easily walk to pick up our DD, even though he rarely does and regularly bullies me into picking/dropping her myself.
I haven't told him yet that we are moving and I'm just worrying over his reaction. I just don't want to be bullied into doing all the handing over as he will no doubt say it's my choice to move so far away and he will also imply that I'm doing it to make it harder for him. He doesn't drive, but there are buses/trains to the new house. I agree that it's not not going to be as easy for him to pick her up but am I really being unreasonable to ask that he collects her and I will pick her up? Trying to keep this fair for both of us.

OP posts:

MyOtherProfile · 23/08/2017 23:11

Op the new house sounds great. If definitely go for splitting transport. 15 miles on a bus is fine. They can use the time to chat and connect. Or else he could collect her from school every other Friday then drop her off on the Monday.

Original poster

Wetwashing00 · 23/08/2017 23:38

Thank you to everyone who responded.
This thread may all be for nothing, he may wish me well and gladly accept to do half the travelling. Or better still, inform me that he's learning to drive.

Chances are slim....now I've just gotta tell him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wetwashing00 · 23/08/2017 23:38

OP posts:

becotide · 23/08/2017 23:52

You know, we need a new topic called "Just Venting!" because it's evident that peoplewho are asking if they are being unreasonable are usually not open to the answer "yes, you are."

Original poster

Wetwashing00 · 24/08/2017 00:10

of course I'm open to all answers, just because I haven't sided with the posters who called me selfish and unreasonable. Doesn't mean I'm closed to it, the majority of responses have shown that I am being reasonable. I've suggested I would do half the travelling, even more whilst they don't have a car.
Yet even though I've mentioned in my posts that my ex-p barely does any pick up/drop offs whilst he lives so close, he is not selfish for refusing?

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 24/08/2017 00:21

you have to think about what is in dd's best interests and balance house you are in now with neww house. (this is probably your one chance) it is not as simple as choosing to move when you are renting. depends on what is available.

fuzzywuzzy · 24/08/2017 00:34

Could you offer to meet him half way and then do pick ups till they have their car replaced?

I'm only thinking of your DD, an hour and a half on the bus will be exhausting for her.

Original poster

Wetwashing00 · 24/08/2017 00:53

There isn't a location suitable for a half way meet. The road from his to the new house is pretty much a straight main road. I don't think a 1hr 20 min bus ride is that bad for a 10 year old. But an almost 1 hr car journey for a 3 yr old at dinner time will be bloody horrendous for him.
The way I see this is...my ex can travel alone, use the travel back to chat and catch up with our DD.
Realistically I will have to either force my toddler to eat too early because he will fall asleep in the car after being at nursery all day, or he will fall asleep on an empty stomach then wake up at bedtime wanting dinner.
I will only be causing issues in other areas of my home life if I take on all the travelling.

OP posts:

becotide · 24/08/2017 01:07

It's not your daughter's fault you had another baby.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 24/08/2017 01:25

I was waiting to get to the end before I posted, and just before I do, I see there's a new baby added into the mix.

Before I saw that, what I wanted to say was that (IMHO) the most important thing isn't the length of the bus journey, although that's what everyone's been focussed on; the most important thing is the relationship between your DD and your ex. FORGET that he's a crap partner. That's a given because he's your ex. What matters to your child is her relationship with her dad. And I think you should be doing all you can to encourage and support that. Sorry - I know that's not what you wanted to hear.

But now you've drip-fed into this the needs of your new child. How is this your DDs fault? She still deserves the relationship with her father.

Your posts are all about how rubbish he is or how it impacts on you. I'm sure he is rubbish. I get it's a pain for you.

But he's her dad.

Sorry... this isn't what you wanted posters to say. I do feel for you.

TalkinBoutNuthin · 24/08/2017 01:46

And its not the toddler's fault they have a big sister.... what's your point? Should the elder child always come first?!

TalkinBoutNuthin · 24/08/2017 01:47

They can put that new topic over next to cunts corner then.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 24/08/2017 01:57

And its not the toddler's fault they have a big sister.... what's your point? Should the elder child always come first?!

My point is that the children should always come first, which they don't in any of the OPs posts, except the drip feed one where she drops in that - actually - she had a toddler.

But this isn't older DD's fault, and why shouldn't she have contact with her dad just because her mum's got a new family?

TalkinBoutNuthin · 24/08/2017 02:15

The children should come first, but not to such levels that the parents are being martyrs. And the benefits of the move are not just for the mother, its for the DD as well.

The dad can catch a bus, or he can learn to drive. Its not up to the OP to eternally do everything to facilitate a relationship with a crap father.

A happy mother, a nice home and stable environment are also things that a child needs.

Original poster

Wetwashing00 · 24/08/2017 02:22

I haven't drip fed the fact that my DD has a younger sibling.so although it's not my daughters fault I had another baby, it's also not her fault that her father can't be bothered to learn to drive. I have mentioned in previous posts that she shares a room and would be benefiting from having her own room in the new house.
I'm not at all focused on our past relationship or the fact that he was a shit partner, so the only reason it's not what I want to hear is because I haven't focused It around that at all.
I said that I would be working during some of our agreed handover times and that it would mean DD would miss out on a Friday night, which I don't want.
Just because he is her dad does not mean I have to stork her about for him. He has a job, money and 2 legs with his own brain.
He is more than capable of picking up his child at least some of the time is he not?
Why does the fact that I have another child change anything?
He has another child too.
Should pick ups/drop offs not be 50/50 between separated parents regardless of other factors? Because it is the business of breaking up with someone you have a child with. It has to be done one way or the other to ensure contact

OP posts:

Atenco · 24/08/2017 05:08

OP, it seems that the answers here depend on the luck of the draw and unfortunately you have got the weirdos who believe you should stay in shit unsuitable accommodation to suit your ex.

Personally I think what you are proposing is very reasonable.

tillytown · 24/08/2017 06:08

Yabu, if you are moving 15 miles away, then its 30 miles traveling, on a Friday evening, in rush hour, on a bus. Sounds like hell.

MyOtherProfile · 24/08/2017 06:24

Yabu, if you are moving 15 miles away, then its 30 miles traveling, on a Friday evening, in rush hour, on a bus. Sounds like hell.
Better to stay put and keep 10 yr old sharing with 3 yr old just so her dad can refuse to collect her and mum still has to drop her off? The 30 miles travelling is misleading. The child would only do 15 miles one day and 15 miles 2 days later. That's only bad if you live in a tiny village and never leave it. Lots of people commute that far or further every day and plenty of kids go that far to school.

Brittbugs80 · 24/08/2017 07:20

I moved 12 miles away and was ordered by the court that I had to drop and collect ds at an agreed half way point that ex could get to on public transport.

But then ex wasn't allowed to know where we live so he couldn't come to our area.

If your moving your child away, then you need to be able to get her to a reasonable point of collection for him. The relationship you two had is a totally different relationship between him and your child and you shouldn't be putting strain or forcing him out on your choices.

If he chooses not to meet you half way for drop off and collections which is fair, the. Of course that's his own doing but don't purposely refuse to take her.

Original poster

Wetwashing00 · 24/08/2017 07:34

How am I putting strain on or forcing him out?
because it means he has to get on a bus? I must be another kind of evil by choosing to move to a bigger house in a nicer area and forcing a bus ride gap between them.

OP posts:

Allthebestnamesareused · 24/08/2017 07:45

When we moved 2 hours away because of dh's job we did all the collections/pickups so 4 hour round trips on Friday and Sunday eow for 10 years.

RadioGaGoo · 24/08/2017 08:00

swingofthings · 24/08/2017 08:07

Been there moved 25 mns away which meant children being able to go to a good secondary school rather than the one on remedial measures that they would have had to go to otherwise. Not the reason for the move but one large benefit.

Ex made it very clear that as it was my choice to move I would have to bring them and pick them up EVERY weekend as theycwas the arrangement even though he drove and despite the fact he wasn't paying any maintenance!

When they got a bit older and were able to take the train I paid the fare there and back every weekend.

I reminded myself that I didn't do any of it for him bit for them. As it stands now DD has a busy live so only goes when she can and DS is refusing to go at all. It is their choice now though.

Willyoujustbequiet · 24/08/2017 08:33

Some posters really need to give their heads a wobble

Yanbu OP. It's 15 miles for crying out loud. Any decent parent wouldn't blink at at. Most people commute far further twice a day. It's an entirely reasonable distance to expect to travel and why can't he learn to drive?

The misogyny that implies the OP should restrict her life and opportunities to enable her ex to live within walking distance is quite frankly ridiculous.

MyOtherProfile · 24/08/2017 09:10

Apparently you can never, ever move when co parenting. If you are planning on moving to a nicer area, closer to a good school or a bigger house for more space, or closer to a good job to provide a better life for DC, you are just being selfish hmm
This. Unless of course you are the non resident parent then you can move where you like and the resident parent will still have to do the taxi service.

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