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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask ex to pick up DD

118 replies

Wetwashing00 · 23/08/2017 20:55

I'll try not to drip feed, please bear with.
I'm due to move 15 miles away from our current home. Ex-p has always lived less than a mile from us and can easily walk to pick up our DD, even though he rarely does and regularly bullies me into picking/dropping her myself.
I haven't told him yet that we are moving and I'm just worrying over his reaction. I just don't want to be bullied into doing all the handing over as he will no doubt say it's my choice to move so far away and he will also imply that I'm doing it to make it harder for him. He doesn't drive, but there are buses/trains to the new house. I agree that it's not not going to be as easy for him to pick her up but am I really being unreasonable to ask that he collects her and I will pick her up? Trying to keep this fair for both of us.

OP posts:
Frouby · 24/08/2017 09:26

Ah OP. Ignore the 'mummy martyrs'. Unless he takes you to court you don't have to do anything. Tell him your address. Tell him she is available on whatever days she is. It's up to him to either take you to court or collect her himself.

I bet in the course of her lifetime you do an awful lot more travelling around to make sure she is in the right place at the right time. School runs alone must add up to more than an hour and 20 minutes twice a month.

My ex was furious I moved 8 miles away. He didn't contribute financially and had absolutely no say on where I lived. And because of my toddler ds I asked ex to meet dd from the bus rather than collect from my mums. As I posted up thread it was too much hassle and as a result he now hasnt seen dd for 6 months. She is ok with it surprisingly and seems relieved to not have to see him eow.

aibuhellno · 24/08/2017 12:38

i think he needs to collect her himself, if your child lives with you then you will already do the running around for clubs and parties, sick days etc he needs to make the effort if he wants to be in her life

becotide · 24/08/2017 13:30

Yes, I get it, he's crap, it's not fair.

But that's not your daughter's fault. It's not her choice tohave a dad who doesn't drive or a mum that wants to move 15 miles away from him.

It impacts mainly on her though, so as her parent, you should focus on reducing that impact, by driving her to her dad's rather than making her take the bus. It's not about your ex and what he should do, it's about your daughter and what she deserves.

Justdontknow4321 · 24/08/2017 14:14

Do you reallly think he will get the bus though ? Or will he refuse... if he's refused to walk 10-15minutes then I bet he will not be willing to get on a bus for 2-3 hours (there and back) so simply contact won't happen which will force your hand of doing both journeys if as you said before you daughter enjoys spending time round there, will miss him and your feel bad.
I kind of think 50:50 is far but he also doesn't drive so it is more of a pain since your moving further away.
And no I don't think the gf should do any journeys, it's not her child and she has no responsibility to maintain contact between them, as it's not even his car. I think yabu if you expect his partner to do drop off/pick ups and considering they have already had words over it I wouldn't bet on her doing many journeys.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 24/08/2017 20:17

Maybe you should ask him first and see what he says. Then respond accordingly.

I don't see why he can't do the bus journey. I agree it is long but they will both cope and can chat on the journey and maybe stop and get something to eat after.

Just talk to him. Keep telling yourself this is not for him it's for your child. In a few years she can do the journey herself if she chooses to.

Take the house as it will be better for your children. Don't mind what others are saying as they don't have to live your life. You do, so make the choices that are right for you.

Original poster
Wetwashing00 · 24/08/2017 20:35

I have weighed the pros/cons and this travelling is the only issue i have with moving. I appreciate everyone's replies and I suppose it is difficult to understand my reasons for wanting him to do a bit of the travelling without knowing our whole 15yr history. I will tell him we are moving and see how it goes.

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 24/08/2017 21:15

I have always had a really good relationship with my ex-husband, and he drives. But if I were to move 15 miles away, I would accept that it would make a difference to how he could be involved. Or maybe it is because we have an ok relationship. I have always recognised that my Son's dad is a decent person, so I would be very happy to change the arrangements for him seeing his son to accommodate my change in location. I'd feel very differently if he were a shit. But I wouldn't make distance a tool for an end.

Original poster
Wetwashing00 · 24/08/2017 21:48

I get that,
I am in no way moving just to make things harder for him. The move is beneficial for my whole family. I can't make him do the right thing for his child and nor can I constantly do all the running around on his behalf neglecting my other mother/wife/colleague duties.

OP posts:
katronfon · 24/08/2017 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

katronfon · 24/08/2017 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoneyBackJefferson · 24/08/2017 22:15

katronfon

the OP herself states that its 1hr to 1hr 20 minutes.
so between 2 and 2hr 40 minutes.

Not insubstantial.

missymayhemsmum · 24/08/2017 22:15

If he wants to be in his daughter's life he needs to sort out his transport. Not your problem, unless it suits you to do the pick ups and drop offs, or for him to pick her up from school.

newnamechange84 · 24/08/2017 22:29

I've got two views on this. My ex moved 40 miles from us nearly five years ago. Over my dead body was I ever dropping off/picking up my kids when he made the choice to move all that distance. I've had hell from him for that bit imo it was his choice and I won't be inconvenienced by it. I've dropped them off a handful of times under duress, the one time I had to actually run him round for the afternoon to ensure that he had a hire car for the weekend as his was off the road 🙄 Not forgetting the fact that he was an abusive, cheating cunt. However, if all your ex does is one weekend a fortnight, as mine does, then you have every right to tell him that he has to make the effort. If he wants to see your DD then he will. 15 miles isn't that much and it's the principle of it that would bother me. He sounds like a lazy arse.

MyOtherProfile · 24/08/2017 22:33

OP herself states that its 1hr to 1hr 20 minutes.
so between 2 and 2hr 40 minutes
But that's 1 hr to 1 hr 20 on a Friday and the same again 2 days later. Some kids do thst ebery day to get to school! There are some people with very parochial lifestyles on here.

becotide · 24/08/2017 22:54

there's nothing wrong with having a parochial lifestyle. It's funny how many people flee the excitement of cities when their children start being influenced by their peers, desperately seeking the parochial lifestyle!

katronfon · 24/08/2017 23:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoneyBackJefferson · 24/08/2017 23:40

MyOtherProfile

Some people travel 4 hrs to get to work and back (Monday and Friday), whilst renting a room in the week.

I wouldn't want to do that (again) either.

MyOtherProfile · 25/08/2017 06:43

But this isn't 4 hours is it?

Whatsername17 · 25/08/2017 06:53

The way I see it is that 15 miles and a couple of buses would not stop me from seeing my kids. If I were ever a nrp, is miss them so much it wouldn't matter. If he can't make the effort to travel 15 miles once a fortnight he doesn't deserve to be a dad. I take it he does more than just sit at home all day. He must have hobbies or a social life? I doubt they are on his doorstep. Therefore, if he makes the effort to travel for that he can make the effort to see his child. Yanbu, op. Do not argue with him. Just repeat. I can't drop her off as I am at work. I will pick her up.

Coastalcommand · 25/08/2017 07:49

The issue for me would be DD having to get the bus with her dad. I grew up in a single parent family, no car, having to get buses everywhere. It was miserable.
I hated how long everything took onnthe bus, and how unreliable they were. Plus I couldn't read on them or I'd feel sick.
I wouldn't put my child though that if I could help it.

strawbsalot · 25/08/2017 07:54

Some people are being real drama llamas about getting a bloody bus.

MissWimpyDimple · 25/08/2017 08:32

My ex moved around the same distance and I do expect him to do the majority of pick ups/drop offs.

The only reason I do it is if I need to change the arrangements for some reason.

He has a car though. I don't think I would expect him to do a round trip like that on the bus!

Do you have a partner who can stay with your youngest?

I would say that if you can't make it (you are at work etc), then obv he has to collect if he doesn't want to miss out. But otherwise you need to do the drop offs.

Can't your youngest have dinner first/after?

MyOtherProfile · 25/08/2017 08:46

I grew up in a single parent family, no car, having to get buses everywhere. It was miserable.
A return journey once a fortnight though?

BoneyBackJefferson · 25/08/2017 11:22

MyOtherProfile

the point is that just because one person is prepared to do something doesn't mean that others have to or should.

the OP is changing the arrangement she should pick up the slack, I realise that this isn't everyone's view.

Atenco · 25/08/2017 11:44

"The issue for me would be DD having to get the bus with her dad. I grew up in a single parent family, no car, having to get buses everywhere. It was miserable"

Oh come on! I also "grew up in a single parent family, no car, having to get buses everywhere" What's more I have never had a car and am over sixty. How much cotton wool should a child be wrapped in? The world is choking up with cars.

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