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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH dislikes DM and is rude to her

174 replies

whattodo9 · 23/08/2017 17:13

I've never posted before but am really sad about the situation at home. My DH used to get along so well with my DM until my DS was born 5 years ago. Suddenly, DH became resentful of my DM , saying that she tries to interfere and feels she has a say in how our son is raised, is manipulative and plays on my emotions. DM helps with childcare as we both work full time so she was looking after DS 3 days per week at our house and now he is at school, she does the school run and collects him 3 times per week. I understand that this might be too much for DH as he feels that he lacks privacy in our house and she is there too much but she has done us a massive favour over the years looking after DS ( at our mutual request)and so of course she is close to DS . DH gets upset if she makes any small comment or suggestion regarding our son ( which is rare, she never imposes her view) and I try to tell him that most grandparents do make comments now and again. if you don't like it just ignore it, don't get upset. She does not spoil our son but if they have a day out and she buys him a small present, my DH gets upset and says she should ask permission before buying a toy. Recently he became upset as he was telling our son off during diner and my DM said ( "just let the child eat then you can tell him off"), he shouted at her about telling him what to do in his own house and stormed out and he now wants nothing to do with her. The next day he completely ignored her and she was in tears because she felt so uncomfortable. Since then he has literally said "Hi" and "bye" to her. He says he does not like her and has nothing to say to her. If he sees her in public, he will not speak to her and will make an effort to speak to strangers instead. I have told him how much this is upsetting me and every argument we have is usually because of discussions based on his behaviour to my DM ( this is just the latest incident in a string of unpleasant situations over the years). His parents are not alive, we see his siblings very rarely and he never knew his grandparents. I try to tell myself he does not know any better but I am very close to my DM , she is the only close family I have apart from my DH and DS so this rift is really upsetting me. I always thought that when I married someone, they would treat my DM like part of the family but he really makes his dislike known. She is single and DS is her only grandchild so she does dote on him. The worst part is that my DM continues to be so nice to him, cooking meals for him, asking me about his wellbeing, babysitting for us if we have a date night etc. without realising what a di*k he is being. I obviously do not tell her all he says as I don't want to upset her. I feel he is happy to take advantage of her helping with childcare when it suits him but he treats her worse than you would treat a stranger. Is this normal? We've been together for 15 years so I know how stubborn he is, no matter how much I speak to him about this, once he makes up his mind, he does not change. I was raised to treat everyone who comes to your house well and to be polite , speak to them and be civil. He believes it is his house and he does not need to say hello or make any conversation if she is there as he sees her so often. It's so awkward and really making me dislike him and affecting our relationship although he does not realise this. I am always so nice to his family and cannot comprehend how someone can behave so disrespectfully to his elder and also someone who has not done anything to him and has only tried to help him whenever he needed it. She has treated him like a son and he just shows such disrespect, it makes me cringe. Just wanted to get some opinions. Apologies for the long post, it's been building up for a while.

OP posts:
Whatthefoxgoingon · 24/08/2017 13:58

Thing is, if you accept a high level of free childcare and housekeeping from a family member, they become like a parent. You can't expect them to just do whatever you tell them to and never have their own opinion about raising the child. Confused for that you need an employee who will do as you instruct (and quite rightly won't stick around if you misbehave towards them!)

CorbynsBumFlannel · 24/08/2017 14:15

Only read the op and the first few replies.
Is it possible that you are so close to your mum that you don't see what your dh is seeing? I have to say that if someone chimed in to tell me not to tell my child off while I was in the middle of telling them off I'd find it really irritating and feel that they were making it harder for me to discipline. If this is typical of your mums behaviour then I'm not surprised he dislikes her tbh.
And it doesn't sound like your mum is particularly upset by your dh if she is happy to undermine him like that.

teaandtoast · 24/08/2017 15:00

Op, I think you are minimising your mum's undermining of dh and her interference. She had her way with her rules of dinner being a pleasant time when you were young. She needs to realise that you and dh have your own way of doing things and she should butt out.

Your dh's ignoring her stems, imo, from being the least worst way of interacting with her. Perhaps he fears snapping at her if they speak?

Take a calm, objective look at the situation before you cast dh in the role of Mr Always Wrong. Your mum is not blameless.

Madwoman5 · 24/08/2017 15:11

**He said he has no problem with DM looking after DS, he just does not feel the need to speak to her or have anything to do with her.
What the actual fuck? Who does he think he is? Pompous prat.
I misread who told ds off earlier. Yeah dm kinda overstepped here but ghosting her after all she does for your family? Could he not have....gulp....spoken to her about this like an adult, agreed ground rules and moved on? Tell him to grow the fuck up.

teaandtoast · 24/08/2017 15:15

I wonder if the mum likes stirring things...

ambereeree · 24/08/2017 15:19

OP my mum looks after my dd when i am at work and tbh if my OH spoke to my mum like that I would ask him to leave. She has helped you both and of course like most gps like to spoil a little as well.
Remember the way you and your DH treat your mum will be remembered by your DS and he might speak to you the same way one day.

whattodo9 · 24/08/2017 15:20

I understand that DM should not have interferred and did say that to her after. Just to clarify, we were not all at dinner together. DH came home early when DS was having his dinner ( he eats earlier than we do) and saw that DS had been playing with something that he shouldn't have so told him off, fair enough. DS being 5, got upset and stopped eating. Just when he started eating again, DH came in the room and told him off about something else ( something very minor). Again , DS got upset and stopped eating. This is when DM chimed in to say let him eat peacefully. I happened to be on the phone at the same time with DH so heard the second half of this conversation and the subsequent fallout. I'm not saying she was right to say anything but also feel that DH could have been more adult about his reaction and not behave in such an ignorant manner. Like posters have said, perhaps it's a build up of many minor issues but I can never find it in my heart to be knowingly rude to someone.

OP posts:
DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus · 24/08/2017 15:21

How does he treat your friends?

hatsoncats · 24/08/2017 15:24

What is seen cannot be unseen. You can't ignore this.
Now you know just what sort of man you are married to.

Your mother is an enormous support to you all, and does it unpaid, for love.
Asking for calm at the dinner table is not undermining, it is simple good manners.
This one incident does not make her an interfering MIL.

Your DH treats her with rudeness, disrespect and contempt.
He deliberately intimidates a caring Grandmother.

What happens if DH starts to treat you in the same way?
Would you be happy if your son mimicked this aggressive behaviour?
What happens if your son starts to treat Grandma in this manner?

ambereeree · 24/08/2017 15:25

Sounds like a bully to me who is taking out his frustrations with your DM on your DS

Titanz · 24/08/2017 15:32

If my MIL was constantly undermining my parenting in front of my own child I would be furious. I'm not saying he's dealing with this in the correct way, and I'm not saying your mother is a bad person - shes obviously wonderful - but she needs to respect the fact that he is the parent.

BTPlonker · 24/08/2017 15:33

Even if he had a good reason to be annoyed with her your DH's behaviour would be well and truly out of order! As it is it is just appalling. Your Mum sounds like a lovely and tolerant person. I suspect when you do finally decide to leave him, she will be incredibly relieved! You would not be depriving your son of a father if you left, as presumably they would still see each other? You would however be removing him from a situation where he is learning that it is acceptable to ignore people who are helping you out.

mickeysminnie · 24/08/2017 15:38

You need to tell your husband that you will no longer tolerate him being so rude to your mother. He either plays nice or HE finds someone else to childmind.
From what you say, your mum is not interfering, she got one thing wrong in four years??? Christ! I hope your husband is as perfect.
Personally I cannot believe that YOU would sit back and watch him treat your mum like this and do nothing. YOU are just as responsible for his reprehensible treatment of your mother as he is. I hope you are absolutely ashamed of yourself. I feel really sorry for your mother!

whattodo9 · 24/08/2017 16:02

Trust me , we have had many discussions / arguments of his behaviour towards her and I have got nowhere. I can't make him be nicer if he does not want to. I realise the only thing I can do now is to try and remove DM from the situation by doing the childcare at her place and seeing if this helps and if he continues to be unpleasant then I'll have to really think about more drastic options. I think he also needs to step up and do more childcare himself as he is quite happy to leave the majority to me.

OP posts:
DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus · 24/08/2017 16:04

How does he treat other people in your life, is he okay with you going out without him?

Hont1986 · 24/08/2017 16:10

Tbh I would be very interested in hearing this from your DH's point of view. Even from your perspective I can see why he would be annoyed.

whattodo9 · 24/08/2017 16:14

He's fine with that although it's less girls night outs and more weekend playdates etc. nowadays. I do have other friends but don't feel comfortable discussing this issue in detail with them. This is why I came on this forum, to see if others experience similar tension or if this is truly odd. This has been happening over a period of time so after a while, I just wonder if it's normal to have these issues in families.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 24/08/2017 16:24

I feel he is happy to take advantage of her helping with childcare when it suits him but he treats her worse than you would treat a stranger. Is this normal?
It's not fair of him and if your DM decided to stop the free childcare at the start of term and drop you in it, he'd still strop and probably call her a few choice names.

If I did not have DS I would have left already
That is illuminating. I suppose DH has no inkling of this?
Does he at least stay civil in front of DS?
If he can't be mature enough to acknowledge her after one awkward incident it comes across as petty and childish.
If it is possible for DM to look after DS at her place, it makes more work for you collecting him but that way she is not subjected to a cold atmosphere with her son-in-law in DS's home.

Even though he must know it makes you unhappy, he has made a mountain out of a molehill, I don't think I'd be in the mood for date nights until this gets resolved.

DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus · 24/08/2017 16:27

My concern is that it's a way of alienating you from someone you love.

Your mum sounds lovely, he should be grateful to her, not rude. She is saving both of you a fortune and your child is with someone who loves him while you work.

I would tell him to stop his disrespectful behaviour, tackle it head on. If you don't, or feel that you can't, then you have to ask yourself why that is.

whattodo9 · 24/08/2017 16:32

I have tried. He says that he is doing nothing wrong in just saying Hi and Bye, he has nothing else to say to her and will not force himself to make small talk, why should he? How can you reason with someone who firmly believes that he is right?

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 24/08/2017 16:33

How does he treat you? How does he treat your ds? The more you post, the worse he sounds.

worridmum · 24/08/2017 16:34

Replace DM with DMIL and responses would be totally different

BarbarianMum · 24/08/2017 16:35

Out of love and respect for you, if for no other reason.

Hont1986 · 24/08/2017 16:40

DM is overstepping her bounds and it is straining your marriage and you still won't tell her to back off.

I mean he is literally telling you this ("saying that she tries to interfere and feels she has a say in how our son is raised, is manipulative and plays on my emotions.") and you still don't see it, or at least won't act on it.

You say you aren't sure you want to stay with him but how sure are you that he wants to stay with you. Like the earlier poster said, he doesn't have a MIL problem, he has a DW problem.

Osirus · 24/08/2017 16:55

You do need to get your mum to back off a bit. It doesn't matter how much free childcare one does, it does not give them the right to co-parent.

Maybe when she has backed off a bit he might treat her with less contempt. It sounds like he just needs some space from her and hopefully, under the right conditions and balance, he may start to thaw.

I agree that if this had been about your MIL, the responses would have been different. I actually read your OP expecting the responses to be somewhat different to what they are.

He does need to be more grateful and less controlling about certain things e.g buying toys, but I think if talking won't help removing your mother from the situation as much as possible may help take the pressure off. It sounds like you are already trying to keep them away from each other and in time things will hopefully improve.

I think if your relationship is otherwise well, you really shouldn't leave him over this!