DH dislikes DM and is rude to her

[whattodo9]

I've never posted before but am really sad about the situation at home. My DH used to get along so well with my DM until my DS was born 5 years ago. Suddenly, DH became resentful of my DM , saying that she tries to interfere and feels she has a say in how our son is raised, is manipulative and plays on my emotions. DM helps with childcare as we both work full time so she was looking after DS 3 days per week at our house and now he is at school, she does the school run and collects him 3 times per week. I understand that this might be too much for DH as he feels that he lacks privacy in our house and she is there too much but she has done us a massive favour over the years looking after DS ( at our mutual request)and so of course she is close to DS . DH gets upset if she makes any small comment or suggestion regarding our son ( which is rare, she never imposes her view) and I try to tell him that most grandparents do make comments now and again. if you don't like it just ignore it, don't get upset. She does not spoil our son but if they have a day out and she buys him a small present, my DH gets upset and says she should ask permission before buying a toy. Recently he became upset as he was telling our son off during diner and my DM said ( "just let the child eat then you can tell him off"), he shouted at her about telling him what to do in his own house and stormed out and he now wants nothing to do with her. The next day he completely ignored her and she was in tears because she felt so uncomfortable. Since then he has literally said "Hi" and "bye" to her. He says he does not like her and has nothing to say to her. If he sees her in public, he will not speak to her and will make an effort to speak to strangers instead. I have told him how much this is upsetting me and every argument we have is usually because of discussions based on his behaviour to my DM ( this is just the latest incident in a string of unpleasant situations over the years). His parents are not alive, we see his siblings very rarely and he never knew his grandparents. I try to tell myself he does not know any better but I am very close to my DM , she is the only close family I have apart from my DH and DS so this rift is really upsetting me. I always thought that when I married someone, they would treat my DM like part of the family but he really makes his dislike known. She is single and DS is her only grandchild so she does dote on him. The worst part is that my DM continues to be so nice to him, cooking meals for him, asking me about his wellbeing, babysitting for us if we have a date night etc. without realising what a di*k he is being. I obviously do not tell her all he says as I don't want to upset her. I feel he is happy to take advantage of her helping with childcare when it suits him but he treats her worse than you would treat a stranger. Is this normal? We've been together for 15 years so I know how stubborn he is, no matter how much I speak to him about this, once he makes up his mind, he does not change. I was raised to treat everyone who comes to your house well and to be polite , speak to them and be civil. He believes it is his house and he does not need to say hello or make any conversation if she is there as he sees her so often. It's so awkward and really making me dislike him and affecting our relationship although he does not realise this. I am always so nice to his family and cannot comprehend how someone can behave so disrespectfully to his elder and also someone who has not done anything to him and has only tried to help him whenever he needed it. She has treated him like a son and he just shows such disrespect, it makes me cringe. Just wanted to get some opinions. Apologies for the long post, it's been building up for a while.

[dustarr73]

The op is used to her mother,so its not as bad for her.But from the husbands pov there seems to be 3 parents and 3 people in the marriage.

I think a chat is in order for both of them.Your dm minds the child in her house.And your dh has to be nice,no rude remarks you have to have a good look op and see all sides.

[User02]

It seems terribly bad mannered of your DH to expect all the child care you are getting for free when he does not treat your DM with basic common decency. It is not good for DS to think this is how to behave.
Other pp have worked out the fees you would have to pay for childcare. Another way would be for you to be a SAHP and suffer the loss of your earnings.
I wonder if this is connected to MN or not but some grandparents refuse to do any child care. There are often moans about DM and Mil on here.
Another point to be careful of is that DM could decide to give up childcare because she is made uncomfortable in your house. Could be she expects you to be aware of DH's lack of manners and sort it out.
Think it all through for yourself but I would be long gone

[SonicBoomBoom]

What does your DH think about paying for childcare instead of your mum doing it for free?

[Voiceforreason]

I have seen this situation before. I think it is not so much jealousy as possessiveness. DM is fulfilling a need in terms of child care and dh is subconsciously irritated by that. Having said that I believe dm overstepped the mark by commenting at the dinner table. That was not her place to do so. Two things therefore to tackle here. Dm needs to refrain from interferring in dh parenting practices and dh needs to understand that dm is not a threat to his family loving him. I think they are both jostling for power over op and her dc. They both need to be put right.

[user1499333856]

I have some sympathy because it's very hard having an in law in your house all the time. The frequency of your mother being there is a lot. Please remember that wanting your own space and privacy is normal.

A lot of people on here also argue that if you get free childcare then you have to compromise on parenting autonomy, sorry, I don't agree. It's very wise to respect people in their own home and let parents feel and be parental.

That said, your mother is giving your family a lot in effort, love and energy. If DH isn't happy with childcare arrangement then he has to fix it.

Having Grandparents who provided long term childcare can cause as many problems as it solves. Ultimately it's DH's life and he has to either compromise and be polite or pay to afford childcare.

[AhveHeardIt]

Was thinking the same as MargaretTwatyer and BertrandRussell.

[AhveHeardIt]

Having said that, I agree with PPs who say that in that case the OP would be told to put up with it (or some of it) or find alternative childcare.

[NataliaOsipova]

A lot of people on here also argue that if you get free childcare then you have to compromise on parenting autonomy, sorry, I don't agree. It's very wise to respect people in their own home and let parents feel and be parental.

My point about the compromise on parental autonomy isn't because the childcare is free (I probably phrased it badly) - or not in and of itself. It's more that, if you have a close family member doing that amount of childcare, then they become a de facto parent, or at least an equal carer for your child. If you have a nanny, then there are clear boundaries there; it's ultimately an employer/employee relationship. If you're a grandparent (and I have a good friend in this position), then I think it fundamentally changes the nature of your role and your relationship with that child. So it's unrealistic for either parent to expect a nanny's detachment.

[user1499333856]

Had this been about OPs MIL then responses would have been very different.

This could be my post. My MIL helps with childcare (3/5 days a week from 7am 😳). She's amazing but her continual presence makes my blood boil. And before I am flamed, she loves her grandchildren and we pay also for some daycare. We have gone with the arrangement for a time but I can't do it any longer. I'm done with the intrusion, interaction, feeling actually uncomfortable in my home that I bloody pay for. MIL isn't at fault but I can't stand the compromises any longer. We pay for privacy.

[user1499333856]

@NataliaOsipova

Thing is, I think OP's husband wants a nanny's detachment. But that costs money!

[Summerswallow]

I just hope all those getting their mothers/MIL round their houses at 7am (!), cooking the tea, caring for the children more than half the week, but bitterly resenting it tell them as quick as possible! I'd definitely offer to help out if my children had children, but I wouldn't want to intrude on their lives or spoil their marriages, I'd hope I was helping them out with support, money and date nights, and if this wasn't the case, I'd want to know pretty damn sharpish. I wouldn't be living to do childcare, I'd be doing it as a favour, and if it wasn't one, I'd want to know.

[user1499333856]

My MIL is fantastic but I think the extent she is willing to step in is overboard. I do not ask for it. DH does, and she is doing his share. Not mine! Worked 7 days a week at one point while he sat on his arse, and still she was there. Unacceptable.
Mumsnet classic 'you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem'


That I did. And now I have control back of my own home. Grandparents grandparenting and parents parenting. Poorer and richer for it!

[happypoobum]

Your DH sounds awful.

I don't understand how you tolerate living with such a wanker.

[user1499333856]

Agreed. It took quite a while to change the situation too.

[NataliaOsipova]

And now I have control back of my own home. Grandparents grandparenting and parents parenting. Poorer and richer for it!

User - I think that sums up the dilemma perfectly!

[AhveHeardIt]

I'd like to hear his side of the story but cannot fathom being so rude to my MIL (and she and I have had many issues with her being overbearing since my son was born) that I wouldn't even acknowledge her in the street, however this bit bugs me>> cannot comprehend how someone can behave so disrespectfully to his elder. I hold no truck with someone being one's elder being any more deserving of respect than anyone else. That's by the by though.

[Summerswallow]

It is difficult to change as people will be hurt- on the other hand, the child in this situation is growing older anyway, so the opportunity to use after-school clubs and so on is more obvious and less personal than taking them away and putting them in nursery- I'd just say 'X wants to play with his friends after school more now, so we're starting to use the after school club, we'd still love it if you'd do Fri pick up if that would be ok?' and visit on weekends as and when (dad doesn't have to go for a while).

I bet you weren't downright rude to your MIL's face or refuse to speak to her when she was doing childcare, though, were you?

[Mittens1969]

I agree that your DM sounds lovely and she's saving you so much money on childcare!

It was definitely very rude of your DH to talk to her like he did, when she's doing so much to help. And actually she has earned the right to have an opinion on the best way to handle certain disciplinary issues. Although I do think that interfering with him telling his DS off was inappropriate and understandably annoyed your DH, it was such an overreaction on his part to go off on one like he did.

I would agree with PPs suggesting that maybe it would make sense for her to look after your DS at her house more, at least for a while, for your DM's sake really. No way should she have to put up with that kind of abuse when she's doing so much to help you.

[Aeroflotgirl]

He sounds deeply unpleasant and rude! So woukd he be happy if you both started to pay for childcare then! I woukd sit down and talk to him about his behaviour and how it makes you feel. If this still carries on, move in with mum.

[Merida83]

so while i get that he is being a bit ott maybe he is fed up with her involvement and such high contact! he may feel she is too involved. could it be he'd be happier if you started to use some other form of childcare, such as before and after school club or a childminder. it might be he is/was only 'happy' with using her as you are happy with it. he may have felt that it was worth giving it a try as yeah it could help financially and it would be nice for family to be involved but he now feels that its just too much. have you actually sat down and spoke to him to ask him for his suggestion as to how to improve or resolve the issues.

tho i don't get why he thinks she should ask before buying him toys/gifts but it might be that its now all just rolled into one and things that are of no real consequences as becoming a big deal to him as he feels its all related and all a sign of her being too involved for his liking!

i personally think questioning your whole relationship over this is odd/off if you are otherwise happy etc. just try talking to him and accepting that it may be time to ask your mum to do less childcare and be less involved. and maybe talk to her again and emphasise that while you appreciate her help she needs to not butt in/comment at all if your DH is parenting your ds no matter how she feels or how much she disagrees etc. she needs to learn to just bite her tongue no matter how she feels about any of the situation that occur.

good luck

[Aeroflotgirl]

Mabey also, visit her in her home, instead of her coming to yours.

[PaganGoddessBrigid]

Only read the op but has he any idea how much three days childcare would cost!?
Also it is much better for yr son to be cared for by his grandma.
He is ruining what is a good arrangement for the sake of his ego and inability to be pleasant.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Even though he might feel your mum is interferring, and is there often, he is deeply rude and unpleasant. Even, if you see your mum at your house, and she does not come much, his behaviour towards her, would make me think that bit less of him tbh. My mum us awful to my dh, she is one of lifes negative and quite possibly toxic people, but he is still polite and nice to her when she comes to stay. You expect him to have decent manners.

[Bubwiser]

I think for the sake of your family, you should try to find alternative childcare, at least for a trial run. I would be furious if my DH treated my mum like this, but I would at least try to give my marriage a shot for the sake of my child if I still loved DH. When this is sorted out, maybe you could assign an evening once a week, which your mum can spend with your DS alone, and you can also take this opportunity to have a date night with your DH. Minimalise contact between your mum and DH for a while to see how it goes.

[whattodo9]

It's been really interesting and helpful to read the different opinions. I do try to see it from his pov as well and understand about the privacy issue, hence the reason why I ask DM to arrive just before we leave for work and leave as soon as I get home. On the occasional time she arrives 5 or 10 minutes early he complains that she is too early. I asked him "should she stand on the street and wait for 5 mins before coming in?" When I went back to work after mat leave , DS was 1 year old and we looked at all the options ( nursery, childminder, DM etc.) and decided on putting him in nursery 2 days and DM would have him 3 days. We both decided that it would be better for DS to be at our home with someone we knew would care well for him and were not keen to leave him with a stranger. After this last incident, I spoke to DH again and suggested we look at alternatives ( we previously looked for after school carers or for me to work PT) and he said he has no problem with DM looking after DS, he just does not feel the need to speak to her or have anything to do with her. He felt she was too dramatic to be in tears after he ignored her , she felt intimidated by him walking around the room like she did not exist. Another reason we decided to have her care for DS in our home was we felt it would be better for his wellbeing i.e. him being at home with all the bits he would need. Her place is considerably smaller and I would only get to hers at 6:45pm after work. Then have to ferry DS home by 7:15pm and get him ready for bed. When he was younger, this would mean him going to bed later than he should. Now he's older, I think the best solution would be to have DM keep DS at her place after school and I'll collect him after work to limit contact between DM & DH. It means we all get home later ( and of course I do all the collecting). Really though, all i'll be doing is keeping them apart, I don't think his opinion or treatment of her will improve and am dreading things like birthdays & Xmas when they will still be meeting. The thing is, I don't mind paying if we could find a good childminder but we both decided together that it would be better for DS to be with DM and they do have a very good relationship which is nice to see. I can see after a few years that it's true familiarity does breed contempt but still feel it's very impolite & ungrateful for DH to behave like this when we are the ones asking her to continue the childcare. Of course she may say something that irritates him sometimes but isn't that a part of family life? It's true he wants a nanny's detachment & timekeeping but a grandmother's care & love and yes she is very involved in the childcare agreements but as his reactions are so strong it does make me wonder if he is possessive & unpleasant and I'm really starting to see true colours or just very childish?