DH dislikes DM and is rude to her

[whattodo9]

I've never posted before but am really sad about the situation at home. My DH used to get along so well with my DM until my DS was born 5 years ago. Suddenly, DH became resentful of my DM , saying that she tries to interfere and feels she has a say in how our son is raised, is manipulative and plays on my emotions. DM helps with childcare as we both work full time so she was looking after DS 3 days per week at our house and now he is at school, she does the school run and collects him 3 times per week. I understand that this might be too much for DH as he feels that he lacks privacy in our house and she is there too much but she has done us a massive favour over the years looking after DS ( at our mutual request)and so of course she is close to DS . DH gets upset if she makes any small comment or suggestion regarding our son ( which is rare, she never imposes her view) and I try to tell him that most grandparents do make comments now and again. if you don't like it just ignore it, don't get upset. She does not spoil our son but if they have a day out and she buys him a small present, my DH gets upset and says she should ask permission before buying a toy. Recently he became upset as he was telling our son off during diner and my DM said ( "just let the child eat then you can tell him off"), he shouted at her about telling him what to do in his own house and stormed out and he now wants nothing to do with her. The next day he completely ignored her and she was in tears because she felt so uncomfortable. Since then he has literally said "Hi" and "bye" to her. He says he does not like her and has nothing to say to her. If he sees her in public, he will not speak to her and will make an effort to speak to strangers instead. I have told him how much this is upsetting me and every argument we have is usually because of discussions based on his behaviour to my DM ( this is just the latest incident in a string of unpleasant situations over the years). His parents are not alive, we see his siblings very rarely and he never knew his grandparents. I try to tell myself he does not know any better but I am very close to my DM , she is the only close family I have apart from my DH and DS so this rift is really upsetting me. I always thought that when I married someone, they would treat my DM like part of the family but he really makes his dislike known. She is single and DS is her only grandchild so she does dote on him. The worst part is that my DM continues to be so nice to him, cooking meals for him, asking me about his wellbeing, babysitting for us if we have a date night etc. without realising what a di*k he is being. I obviously do not tell her all he says as I don't want to upset her. I feel he is happy to take advantage of her helping with childcare when it suits him but he treats her worse than you would treat a stranger. Is this normal? We've been together for 15 years so I know how stubborn he is, no matter how much I speak to him about this, once he makes up his mind, he does not change. I was raised to treat everyone who comes to your house well and to be polite , speak to them and be civil. He believes it is his house and he does not need to say hello or make any conversation if she is there as he sees her so often. It's so awkward and really making me dislike him and affecting our relationship although he does not realise this. I am always so nice to his family and cannot comprehend how someone can behave so disrespectfully to his elder and also someone who has not done anything to him and has only tried to help him whenever he needed it. She has treated him like a son and he just shows such disrespect, it makes me cringe. Just wanted to get some opinions. Apologies for the long post, it's been building up for a while.

Your update makes me think he's a very unpleasant person indeed. He's treating her like a servant- she arrives 'too early' for him, he doesn't speak to her, and has had plenty of chances to have her less involved and pay for alternative care, he has chosen this 'for his son' as he believes family care is better, more convenient and cheaper and then treated her like shit.

I'm sorry, you have allowed this to happen too, because it is better and more convenient for all of you (even knowing he's going to ignore her), and I wouldn't.

I think your plan to let your mum care for your son in her own home and away from your husband is a good one. I think his nastiness will carry on though, and personally I could not love a person who hated my mum and had let her do so much care for free whilst despising her as a person.

It does sound childish, OP, I agree with you there. He doesn't have to have a close read with your DM; I don't find my MIL easy to get on with whereas she's always wanted me to be like a daughter to her, and I think it's hurt her that I haven't reciprocated, but these are things that you can't make happen. But I know it's my issue and I wouldn't think of complaining if she was in our house to help us, that's just plain ungrateful; in those situations you just suck it up and get on with things, if you're an adult. So complaining that she's 5 minutes early, well that is definitely childish.

He is unpleasant.

She's his servant. He requires her to do her duties without looking at him or talking to him. He requires her to be invisible.

Actually she's not your servant, cos servants get paid and have rights.

Slaves don't get paid, and are treated like dirt. That's what she is to him.

So he wants her to continue with childcare but he isn't prepare to offer even the most basic civility to her ?

It seems that you, your Mum and your DS are all having to change your routine in order to accomodate his bad behaviour. In fact the thing that needs to change is him, he needs to pull himself together and stop being so vile.
If he can't manage that, I would be showing him the door frankly - the way he is treating your Mum is a pretty poor example to your DS, it's not OK to treat anyone the way your DH is treating her, she's a member of your family, your child's grandmother and he is completely shunning her - it is cruel and thoroughly nasty

I'm sorry you are caught in the middle here, it must be horrible for you.

this is just the latest incident in a string of unpleasant situations over the years
Is what stands out most to me.

Take out the fact that this is your DM. Here is a person who not only provides whatever childcare you ask for free of charge and in a loving way, but also cooks for your H and keeps his welfare in mind. By your own words she doesn't over indulge your DS and both of you have agreed that she is the best person for the job. To make life easier for the three of you, she's flexible, also does the running around and appears and disappears as instructed. Over and above all this, DS loves her and is happy with the arrangement.

If I was your DM or MIL, I just wouldn't want to be put in such an unpleasant and uncomfortable situation.

Taking out one occasion at the dinner table, when DM was in the wrong to undermine him, although to a degree I also feel mealtimes are not a good time to tell a child off unless it's correcting something they're doing there and then, would your H be so disrespectful and rude to a paid professional?

You don't choose your in-laws and it is perfectly normal for there to be tensions in that relationship. However, he really needs to appreciate what his MIL does for his family. It is saving him a fortune in childcare and taking a whole lot of stress out of your lives, he could at least repay her by being polite and civil when he is around her. He is acting like a spoilt, petty child if you ask me!

I wonder if it has just gone too far.

If your DM no longer did childcare, would your DH go back to being nice? I guess not

You've seen something about his character that can't be unseen

Something that's not actually a surprise to you, given what you've said

Is he rude to waiters? Just out of interest

Yes, I think it has gone too far and probably cannot be fixed. I do feel terrible about the situation as I never expected for him to completely stop speaking to her and show such a nasty & stubborn side. And I'm sorry I put my mum through this.I mentioned before but they used to have a very good relationship years ago before DS. I'll give it a few months of the new arrangement and see how things work out but I do feel stuck in the middle and having to be peacemaker between my husband and my mum. DS is very observant as well so eventually he will start questioning why his dad never speaks to granny. This has really soured my opinion of DH though and posters, you are right, I don't feel I can stay with someone in the long run if he continues to be so nasty to my mum. I have seen him fall out with a friend before and completely cut him out of his life so I know how stubborn this man can be about making up with someone.

From someone in your DH's position, I used to like my MIL, but several small incidents of undermining, slight boundary oversteps, and her desire to treat me as a daughter when I have perfectly good parents and don't want her to try and fill that role, have built up over the years to make it very hard to be in her presence. Your DH could try to be more civil, of course, but he didn't have kids with your mother, he had them with you, and it's hard to deal with someone playing parent 3, especially when they undermine you. No matter how much childcare someone does, they shouldn't undermine a parent.

From your update, it is making your husband sound even worse, he sounds a throughly unpleasant individual, who cannot even afford your DM basic manners. He wants to use her, at the same time treating her like the dirt on his shoe, as that is what he is doing and it is unacceptable! Unless there is a huge backstory, and your DM is in fact a nasty, toxic individual, or has treated him very badly, this would be a massive dealbreaker in the marriage, and I would have to end it.

Muffin I hope that you afford your MIL decent manners and curtosy! From what you have said, she has not done anything majorly wrong. Its nice that she wants to treat you like a daughter, you are the lucky one, many on here would love that, but instead have toxic and nasty MIL, who want to hurt them.

I do treat her with manners and courtesy. It just takes more effort now than it used to, and that makes me sad. With my DP's support, I took a couple of months off seeing her after I reached breaking point with her low-level undermining to try to minimise my negative feelings. I know in my heart she means well, but I wish I'd drawn clearer boundaries earlier before it soured the relationship for me. Perhaps the OP's husband can get back some civility with a similar break?

no problem with DM looking after DS, he just does not feel the need to speak to her or have anything to do with her

Does his literately just ignore her? Say she spoke to hi would he answer?

Wow that's appalling behaviour, even if your mum was a bit of an interferer it doesn't warrant him blanking your mum like some sort of over grown teenager. He need to communciate.

Is this normal?

If you are seriously asking whether it's normal for someone to be so rude, disrespectful and contemptuous towards an older person who has bent over backwards to help them, then there are larger issues at stake here.

Your husband is the type of person who sees fit to ignore his wife's mother, who has been of enormous help in caring for his child, in the street.

He doesn't like her. So he's happy to ignore the many kindnesses she has shown him and his family, and treat her like a piece of shit on the bottom of his shoe. Nice.

oh ok Muffin. Op he sounds awful, she has every grounds not to speak to him, he is acting like some god in which everyone should bow to. He wants his way, even if it means inconvening everybody else. Selfish and controlling.

His behaviour is absolutely awful op - he actually sounds slightly unhinged.

Who on earth thinks it's acceptable to be so nasty to someone, especially if that person is doing their best to help you all?

I absolutely knew he'd be like this in other situations.

Everyone feels frustration, annoyance, hemmed in by other family members. That's normal. Being downright rude and contemptuous to others, especially others who are in their homes helping them, facilitating date nights (to support his marriage!) and so on- that's another step, and those type of people are always rude and contemptuous to others as well. It's not stubbornness, actually, it's bullying behaviour.

You are already very isolated OP, with no family beyond your mum. He's cut off his friend, he wants you to cut off all time with your mum except when she's looking after your son (so fine to care for him til after 7pm 3x a week, but not fine to take him out and buy him a toy), and has no family relationship himself. I would choose a life outside this very small world with an angry man myself.

I think it's pure jealousy and bitterness on his part which is why he's behaving like an immature bully.

DH used to get along so well with my DM until my DS was born 5 years ago. Suddenly, DH became resentful of my DM
He was enjoying it whilst he was the centre of attention.

His parents are not alive, we see his siblings very rarely and he never knew his grandparents
He's resentful of the love and attention your mum gives your son - something he never got - and it stings him.

So to punish your mum for this he's going to act like she's dead/doesn't exist?
Like his parents.
When he's forced to be in the same room/interact with your mum, he's going to be distant and cold with her.
Like his siblings.

have you discussed this with him? that he's projecting his own issues onto your family?

Op, I would arrange for paid childcare. That way your poor mum won't be having to interact with someone who treats her with such disrespect and contempt. It's a really tricky situation but you can't keep it as it is as it's simply not working. I agree with previous posters who have mentioned lines becoming blurred, it's probably best all around if your mum takes a step back.

How many MIL threads like this are there though? I think the main problem is lack of honest communication between all sides. He doesn't communicate at all with MIL. He actively avoids it at all costs.
You placate your DM tactfully and nicely, so she doesn't understand the issues she is causing.
Your DM moans about her treatment to you. You don't communicate DH's complaints to DM.
She oversteps the mark undermining his parenting in his own home.
If this was a MIL thread, everyone would be telling you 'you have a DH problem not a MIL problem'
I was the DH in this situation, I got no support from my DH. I stood by helplessly and was made to feel unreasonable and in the wrong as my MIL waded straight in and did her very best to just sideline me from own children's lives. She let herself in my house uninvited, undermined my parenting, booked holidays for her and the kids without even asking me, made alterations to my house without even asking me. She read school letters not addressed to her, made sure she got tickets to school shows before me, so that I couldn't go, insidiously put me down at every opportunity etc etc, all dressed up to look like it was all for my best interests. So I looked like other posters are saying your DH is.
And yes, I went, over the course of years, from liking MIL and being happy to meet up with her for coffee and going shopping with her, to actively hating her.
The fact is, this arrangement is not working any more.

Feel very sad for yourDM She does not deserve your DH bad mannered controlling boorish behaviour

Recently he became upset as he was telling our son off during diner and my DM said ( "just let the child eat then you can tell him off"), he shouted at her about telling him what to do in his own house and stormed out and he now wants nothing to do with her

Assuming that this was a 'normal' parent telling off from your dh and he wasn't shouting/screaming/abusing your ds then IMO your mum was very rude and overstepping the mark here. She completely undermined your dh and clearly saw it as her place to step in, when it really wasn't.

Shouting and storming out sounds like an overreaction unless this was after a build up of similar incidents in which case his reaction is more understandable, if not handled very well.

You seem to see no issue with your mum butting in like this which to me speaks volumes...I think it's possible you're a bit blind to your mum tbh and minimise her overstepping and trying to be a third parent which has built up over time.

DH used to get along so well with my DM until my DS was born 5 years ago. Suddenly, DH became resentful of my DM. He was enjoying it whilst he was the centre of attention

Also I think this suggestion is bordering on the ridiculous. Few adult men feel the need to or would WANT to compete for the attention of their MIL!

If attention was the dh's problem it's far more likely he would be resentful of and abusive towards the op for the attention the baby started getting.

OP please don't let this man isolate you from your mum. He sounds desperately unpleasant and I wonder how he'd treat you if you displease him. Or your ds?

One way to see if he's just a misunderstood/put upon man who got isolated in his own home (despite being asked to make the decision about childcare several times and always choosing the mum to do it and rejecting the more expensive options) or a more bullying type is: do you have other friends, family, social interactions? How is your husband in his friendships? With his workmates? What about you- do you have BBQ's over at your house, go out with your work friends, have close female friends you can call on the phone and does he support and encourage your friendships?

If it's all about the mum, it'll be isolated just to that one frustrating situation. If in fact, he's the angry type (which the fact he cut off his friend as well makes me think he might be), the OP will also have difficulty inviting over her friends, family and so on for fear of him being rude/angry/not encouraging. Do you have friends, OP or other support outside your mum?