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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH dislikes DM and is rude to her

174 replies

whattodo9 · 23/08/2017 17:13

I've never posted before but am really sad about the situation at home. My DH used to get along so well with my DM until my DS was born 5 years ago. Suddenly, DH became resentful of my DM , saying that she tries to interfere and feels she has a say in how our son is raised, is manipulative and plays on my emotions. DM helps with childcare as we both work full time so she was looking after DS 3 days per week at our house and now he is at school, she does the school run and collects him 3 times per week. I understand that this might be too much for DH as he feels that he lacks privacy in our house and she is there too much but she has done us a massive favour over the years looking after DS ( at our mutual request)and so of course she is close to DS . DH gets upset if she makes any small comment or suggestion regarding our son ( which is rare, she never imposes her view) and I try to tell him that most grandparents do make comments now and again. if you don't like it just ignore it, don't get upset. She does not spoil our son but if they have a day out and she buys him a small present, my DH gets upset and says she should ask permission before buying a toy. Recently he became upset as he was telling our son off during diner and my DM said ( "just let the child eat then you can tell him off"), he shouted at her about telling him what to do in his own house and stormed out and he now wants nothing to do with her. The next day he completely ignored her and she was in tears because she felt so uncomfortable. Since then he has literally said "Hi" and "bye" to her. He says he does not like her and has nothing to say to her. If he sees her in public, he will not speak to her and will make an effort to speak to strangers instead. I have told him how much this is upsetting me and every argument we have is usually because of discussions based on his behaviour to my DM ( this is just the latest incident in a string of unpleasant situations over the years). His parents are not alive, we see his siblings very rarely and he never knew his grandparents. I try to tell myself he does not know any better but I am very close to my DM , she is the only close family I have apart from my DH and DS so this rift is really upsetting me. I always thought that when I married someone, they would treat my DM like part of the family but he really makes his dislike known. She is single and DS is her only grandchild so she does dote on him. The worst part is that my DM continues to be so nice to him, cooking meals for him, asking me about his wellbeing, babysitting for us if we have a date night etc. without realising what a di*k he is being. I obviously do not tell her all he says as I don't want to upset her. I feel he is happy to take advantage of her helping with childcare when it suits him but he treats her worse than you would treat a stranger. Is this normal? We've been together for 15 years so I know how stubborn he is, no matter how much I speak to him about this, once he makes up his mind, he does not change. I was raised to treat everyone who comes to your house well and to be polite , speak to them and be civil. He believes it is his house and he does not need to say hello or make any conversation if she is there as he sees her so often. It's so awkward and really making me dislike him and affecting our relationship although he does not realise this. I am always so nice to his family and cannot comprehend how someone can behave so disrespectfully to his elder and also someone who has not done anything to him and has only tried to help him whenever he needed it. She has treated him like a son and he just shows such disrespect, it makes me cringe. Just wanted to get some opinions. Apologies for the long post, it's been building up for a while.

OP posts:
whattodo9 · 23/08/2017 18:03

I agree she should have held her tongue when he was telling DS off but DM is a little old school and believed dinner time should be peaceful and you can say you want after eating instead of creating a scene at the dinner table. I did explain this to DH and also nicely spoke to her ( separately) that she should not have gotten involved. She certainly does not undermine him all the time as she has never pushed any opinions on us. She does make suggestions now and again but I'm sure all grandparents do that. I remember my grandmother always giving my opinion to my mum and my mum taking it with a pinch of salt if she did not agree. Also , DM arrives 10 mins before we leave for work and leaves in the pm as soon as we arrive home so it's not like she is just hanging around at our place.

OP posts:
Snausage · 23/08/2017 18:04

OP, I feel awful for you! What a horrid situation.

Your husband is a cockwomble.

I do think that you need to stand up to him. Not so much a conversation, but tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable. You both still rely on your mother to do the school runs so, unless he wants to fork out for someone else to do it, he needs to wind his neck in and apologise to both you and your mum.

DP and I rely heavily on my mum who looks after DS (her only grandchild) twice a week, spoils him rotten and dotes on him. If my DP ever treated my mum in such a way, he'd be kicked out to live with his mum until realised his behaviour was unacceptable and begged my mum for forgiveness.

Sidenote: I've just read your post to DP. His response: "she's married to a knob".

kittybiscuits · 23/08/2017 18:05

Your husband is a cunt. What do you plan to do about it?

RosieMapleLeaf · 23/08/2017 18:08

If my MIL was in my house multiple times a week and commenting on my parenting and I was having to be grateful for it I think I would be quite unpleasant after 5 years also.

SomethingOnce · 23/08/2017 18:09

Rosie, I assume you'd be prepared to find the money for paid childcare, yes?

Nocabbageinmyeye · 23/08/2017 18:09

You would leave but you have no other relatives? How many more do you need? Your mother does the share of a large family!

RosieMapleLeaf · 23/08/2017 18:12

SomethingOnce
Yes, I would rather go without a lot of things and pay for childcare than be beholden to someone.

Ceebs85 · 23/08/2017 18:15

Your husband is behaving like a child. I do get why he'd be annoyed by being told how to parent in his own house and it must be difficult to often have someone there extra however he is happy to use the free service she's providing so the least he could do is be civil. He can't have his cake and eat it too!

Fairylea · 23/08/2017 18:16

Your dh sounds deeply unpleasant. You say you don't want to break up the home for ds sake but what kind of messages do you think he is learning from the way dh treats his Grandmother? It's actually very damaging.

GreenTulips · 23/08/2017 18:21

without realising what a dik he is being*

She knows - and you know she knows - She's just waiting for you to wake up and smell the coffee

He can still have a relationship with his son - EOW and one night after school

user1468353179 · 23/08/2017 18:22

He's being a knob. Your mum is saving you 100's a month by doing childcare for you. Tell him to grow up.

imjustanerd · 23/08/2017 18:23

I wonder if everyone on here would be giving different advice if this was the op having a problem with her MIL?

dustarr73 · 23/08/2017 18:25

I'm not excusing your dh but it sounds like your an spends too much time in your you.

Lack of privacy is not my.Its your DM, that's why it doesn't bother you.Now switch, say it was your mum doing the childcare.Wouls you be as happy with MIL bein g there all the time.

Maybe a compromise dm brings d's ho.me with her and you pick him up from there.

Ttbb · 23/08/2017 18:25

Provided that your mother behaves as well as you say she does then he is massively overreacting, you should send him to therapy.

carefreeeee · 23/08/2017 18:34

Your DH is obviously being unreasonable and very rude. However I don't think it would be a good idea to just dump him over this as some have suggested!

I think you need to work this out separately with both of them. First sit down with your DH and talk about childcare arrangements and how he sees things working out if your mum wasn't there to do all she does. Perhaps he has ideas of how he thinks it could be managed so their paths don't cross as much. If he feels he has no privacy that probably needs to be addressed. If nothing else it might make him realise that you need her help and he will just have to put up with it until your son is older. (anohter 5 years maybe? so not forever.). Really he does need to be polite though, and if he has issues to talk about them to you.

Then perhaps have a discussion with your mum about what has come out of this, explain that much as you are grateful etc you do need some space in your relationship, she should understand that. Can she have DS at her house, or just do a bit less childcare? I'd also explain that your DH feels a bit left out because she does more of the childcare and ask her to avoid giving any 'advice' or commenting at all when he's around. Ask her to just advise you only if she does have something she wants to say.

carefreeeee · 23/08/2017 18:36

I seriously can't believe people are advising the op to leave her husband just because he is getting annoyed about the MIL being in the house 3 days a week! Is this really people's first reaction to a normal problem in any relationship? How about trying to discuss the issue and work it out?No wonder there are so many divorces!

Birdsgottafly · 23/08/2017 18:36

"I wonder if everyone on here would be giving different advice if this was the op having a problem with her MIL?"

It wouldn't, they are told to put up with it, or pay for childcare.

"Maybe a compromise dm brings d's ho.me with her and you pick him up from there."

So three people get their routine altered and it is more inconvenient, to suit (once again) the DH in the equation?

EC22 · 23/08/2017 18:41

I was so angry reading your post. He is behaving so badly.

I have no advice. If it were me, if I couldn't get my other half to treat my mum respectfully, appreciating all she has done, I think I would have to reconsider staying in the marriage.

Summerswallow · 23/08/2017 18:45

First, can your mum care for your child in her home and not yours for a while. Not for your cockwomble husband's sake, but for her sake, as walking into his face as she does her unpaid and unappreciated childcare three days a week must be pretty upsetting.

Then I'd have a chat with him and lay it out like this: 'yes, my mum is involved a lot in our lives, but that's because we chose to have her care for our child, for free, three days a week saving us several thousand a year in nursery fees, plus having her do babysitting, date nights and so on. If you don't want that any more- let's put our child into nursery/pay a babysitter, and we can have our house to ourselves. If you want her to carry on, then you have to shut up and put up, because you are essentially abusing her good nature in doing this free work and it's not fair. Either treat her nicely, or let's stop the work she's doing for us and have a more distant grandparent relationship where we just visit and she doesn't care in our house'.

I'd also add 'I love my mum, and I know she's a nice person, so every time you slag her off, you are hurting me, if you carry on, it will seriously affect how I feel about you. It already is'.

He might well feel overwhelmed in his own home, in which case, this will give him a chance to get out of this situation by paying for additional childcare and resetting the relationship.

No-one is nasty about my mum though, she's amazing, does childcare, bought the children so much, cared for them in emergencies, helped my husband with his career, and whilst I don't expect him to think she's a saint, and don't mind the odd moan or him
bodyswerving the odd family event, I won't take full scale nastiness either behind closed door or to anyone's face when they have been helping our family so much for the past decade- and nor should you (and if he started treating my mum like a piece of shit on his shoe, I'd leave).

thethoughtfox · 23/08/2017 18:50

What Summerswallow said: nailed it!

AlpacaLipsNow · 23/08/2017 18:56

What Summerswallow said but with additional emphasis on what you couldn't afford to do without her. How expensive and difficult it is to get a babysitter and how you'd have to economise if you pay child care.

I wish I lived near my mum. It's a nightmare without family help.

LazaUbi · 23/08/2017 18:59

Your mother sounds lovely. I wish I had a parent who could and would be prepared to help out that much! Awful that he's upsetting her so much. Also agree with her that having a go at a child during dinner is not appropriate.

It's so childish of him to give her 'the silent treatment' over something so petty. He is an adult, he should be able to communicate like one to resolve any issues he has.

I would tell him this behaviour is ungrateful and unacceptable and that he needs to grow up and apologise to her.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 23/08/2017 19:09

He really is behaving badly. But, this... :

I always thought that when I married someone, they would treat my DM like part of the family

...makes me wonder if the problem is that you and your DH have different ideas of the role in-laws / grandparents will have in your family life.

I love my mil. She's lovely. But, I do not treat her a strange part of our family, (DH, dc and me).

Your mum sounds amazing btw and he absolutely shouldn't be so rude to / about her.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 23/08/2017 19:10

Sorry, I meant "...as part of our family".

I seriously hate autocorrect sometimes.

teaandtoast · 23/08/2017 19:18

I think she was rude to say that to DH at the dinner table. I'm not surprised he was pissed off with her.

Is there a way to stop her being the 3rd parent and revert to a grandmother role?

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