DH dislikes DM and is rude to her

[whattodo9]

I've never posted before but am really sad about the situation at home. My DH used to get along so well with my DM until my DS was born 5 years ago. Suddenly, DH became resentful of my DM , saying that she tries to interfere and feels she has a say in how our son is raised, is manipulative and plays on my emotions. DM helps with childcare as we both work full time so she was looking after DS 3 days per week at our house and now he is at school, she does the school run and collects him 3 times per week. I understand that this might be too much for DH as he feels that he lacks privacy in our house and she is there too much but she has done us a massive favour over the years looking after DS ( at our mutual request)and so of course she is close to DS . DH gets upset if she makes any small comment or suggestion regarding our son ( which is rare, she never imposes her view) and I try to tell him that most grandparents do make comments now and again. if you don't like it just ignore it, don't get upset. She does not spoil our son but if they have a day out and she buys him a small present, my DH gets upset and says she should ask permission before buying a toy. Recently he became upset as he was telling our son off during diner and my DM said ( "just let the child eat then you can tell him off"), he shouted at her about telling him what to do in his own house and stormed out and he now wants nothing to do with her. The next day he completely ignored her and she was in tears because she felt so uncomfortable. Since then he has literally said "Hi" and "bye" to her. He says he does not like her and has nothing to say to her. If he sees her in public, he will not speak to her and will make an effort to speak to strangers instead. I have told him how much this is upsetting me and every argument we have is usually because of discussions based on his behaviour to my DM ( this is just the latest incident in a string of unpleasant situations over the years). His parents are not alive, we see his siblings very rarely and he never knew his grandparents. I try to tell myself he does not know any better but I am very close to my DM , she is the only close family I have apart from my DH and DS so this rift is really upsetting me. I always thought that when I married someone, they would treat my DM like part of the family but he really makes his dislike known. She is single and DS is her only grandchild so she does dote on him. The worst part is that my DM continues to be so nice to him, cooking meals for him, asking me about his wellbeing, babysitting for us if we have a date night etc. without realising what a di*k he is being. I obviously do not tell her all he says as I don't want to upset her. I feel he is happy to take advantage of her helping with childcare when it suits him but he treats her worse than you would treat a stranger. Is this normal? We've been together for 15 years so I know how stubborn he is, no matter how much I speak to him about this, once he makes up his mind, he does not change. I was raised to treat everyone who comes to your house well and to be polite , speak to them and be civil. He believes it is his house and he does not need to say hello or make any conversation if she is there as he sees her so often. It's so awkward and really making me dislike him and affecting our relationship although he does not realise this. I am always so nice to his family and cannot comprehend how someone can behave so disrespectfully to his elder and also someone who has not done anything to him and has only tried to help him whenever he needed it. She has treated him like a son and he just shows such disrespect, it makes me cringe. Just wanted to get some opinions. Apologies for the long post, it's been building up for a while.

[SkintAsASkintThing]

Do you want your son to treat his future wife and mother in law like this ?? To think it's ok to take favours off someone but treat them with contempt ??

By staying and raising your son in this environment you are normalising abusive behaviour, this is how we end up with generations of arseholes......all they're doing is copying the behaviour that has become normal to them.

[NataliaOsipova]

You don't want your MIL to have/express an opinion on the way your child is parented? Absolutely fair enough. But then you don't ask her to do three days of free childcare a week. You do it yourself, or you pay someone else to do it. It's called not being able to have your cake and eat it.....

[junebirthdaygirl]

She did cross a line at the table and his reaction sounds like it wasnt the first time.
I think your ds should go to dms house after school as it all sounds tense at this stage.
However your dh needs to watch his manners. Is he short tempered with you or with ds or other people? Is he generally a good dh or a moody pain? Ask him what suggestions he has for minding your ds. Would he be happier to put him in a creche?
There is a price to be paid for having gm doing it. Is that price too high for him? If it was his dm constantly buying stuff , interferring how would you feel ? You escape all the mil trials constantly listed here.
I think a lot of people men and women would react to mil undermining them but maybe not as rudely as him.

[BertrandRussell]

This really is fascinating- if this was a mil the advice would be completely different!

[GreenTulips]

It wouldn't - if you aren't happy then you pay a professional to drop and collect

Usually £25 per day school term - £35/40 school holidays?

£120 per week x 6 weeks holidays £720 or £1400 per year

25 x 3 £75 per week term time £450 per half term £2500 per year

Total around £4000 or £330 a month

It's his choice - make him sort it out and pay for it - see how much he values your privacy

[stella23]

fwiw op I wonder how often your dh feel undermined by your mum, I think your mum has crossed a line. So she feels that dinner should be a nice place to eat. Nothing to do with her. It's not her place, it's yours and dh.

I wonder how often your dh feel undermined by her and whether it's a regular thing, from the opening post it sounds a bit of a regular occurrence

[MargaretTwatyer]

This sort of thread just shows up the bloody hypocrisy and misandry on MN.

If we had a post from a woman in the DH's position it would read something like this:

My MIL is around at my house all the time. She does provide free childcare which I'm grateful for but is also around here a lot of the time when me and DH are home too. She undermines my parenting and in particular discipline. She is also a sounding board for DH complaining about me and says I am 'not normal'. I am increasingly impatient with her and am finding it difficult to smile politely and make her welcome as I don't feel comfortable with her presence in our lives. DH is unhappy I am avoiding her and not making her welcome and seems to think that if he had to choose between me and his mother it might be her. He thinks because they are so close and she helps with childcare I should put up and shut up and that my inability to accommodate his mother means our relationship is being undermined.

I can guarantee that poster wouldn't be called a dick or a cockwomble. And her partner would be called a 'man child' who couldn't cut the strings to Mummy.

I agree that paid childcare might be a good idea. But lessening the mothers presence has to be a priority. No marriage can survive this sort of third wheeling unless both partners are absolutely fine with it. I imagine it wasn't an issue before DC was born because she wasn't as present. And I doubt many partners male or female would be happy with a parent in law becoming such a huge daily part of their life without their consent. I'm not surprised he's fucked off.

[greenlavender]

He's not covering himself in glory but I can see that it must be claustrophobic for him & I wouldn't be at all pleased to be undermined when disciplining my own child. Two sides.

[Summerswallow]

I disagree, anyone on MN who says any family member does free childcare (let alone cooking and babysitting) will be told that if you get it for free, you have to suck up their ways. Or pay yourself. MN doesn't like people getting childcare for free (from MIL or mums).

I agree that the balance needs resetting- the OP is in a good position to do this, but in the meanwhile, the husband needs to stop being nasty to his MIL in her own home. I don't love my MIL to bits, but I don't blank her, ignore her, have 'incidents' with her, get cross if she buys toys or say nasty things about her- nor would I allow her to do three days a week childcare as I know I couldn't stand it. The OP needs to listen to her husband, then to her heart, and it will tell her if he's genuinely being pushed out in his own home (what with all that free childcare, cooked food and time to go out with his wife) or whether actually, he's quite a jealous person and has no relationship with his own family and would prefer his wife to do the same.

[Softkitty2]

He is controlling and trying to ISOLATE YOU and cut your support network.

How can you be with someone who blatantly disrespects the woman who has raised you and helped you out so much?

[Cambionome]

What you are totally ignoring Margaret is the fact that the op's dh is being deliberately rude and unpleasant to his mil.

No one ever would or should condone that type of ignorant behaviour on here.

[Mrswinkler]

Just put myself in his position and yes, it would do my head in. He's been very rude but I can see why. He needs space from your mum.

[travis45]

My thoughts exactly @BertrandRussell @MargaretTwatyer

[Need20yearsofsleep]

Does your husband have his parents around still? It could be a bit of a reminder to him his aren't there to do the same or if they are they don't help out as much could be a bit of jealousy. My dh lost both his parents and doesn't like to go to family parties or dinners as you know men don't feel feelings 🙄 maybe speak to him explain how you're feeling about him doing this and see what he says and try to get to the route of the problem. It could be something in his head and nothing to do with your dm

[LoyaltyAndLobster]

That would be enough for me to leave him, as I wouldn't have anyone disrespecting my mother.

[Decaffstilltastesweird]

I wondered that too need. I don't go to Mother's Day stuff with DH, his siblings and their mum as I find it a bit painful, having lost my mum a few years ago.

[DoJo]

You don't want your MIL to have/express an opinion on the way your child is parented? Absolutely fair enough. But then you don't ask her to do three days of free childcare a week.

My husband and I share childcare of our kids, but I wouldn't expect him to undermine me over a matter like that in front of our children. It's got nothing to do with whether she's paid for childcare or not, and everything to do with overstepping boundaries.

Clearly the OP's husband has put himself significantly in the wrong with the way he reacted, but it sounds like he might feel as though he is 'up against' the OP and her mother when it comes to raising his children and I can understand him finding that frustrating.

From the OP's posts, it isn't clear whether he has actually been given the option to pay for childcare, esp now that it would be cheaper as their child is in school, or whether the status quo has become so ingrained that he feels as though he doesn't have a say.

Or he might just be a cunt - I'm not completely discounting that, just trying to imagine how I would feel in his shoes.

[LazaUbi]

I would say exactly the same if it was the man's mother rather than the woman's. She is doing three days of childcare for them for free! Of course she has an opinion and a right to say it in that situation.

I would not put up with any 'advice' on parenting from my own parents but they were terrible parents, did nothing to support me from 16 onwards, rarely see us and have never looked after our DC for even an hour so why should I? My response to this thread was driven by the level of involvement of the mother in the family's life (as were many others, I believe), not whose parent she happens to be. You can't have if both ways, using her for free childcare then telling her to keep out of how the child is raised.

[Coldkebab]

Dm goes as soon as they return home. I dont feel she is intruding on privicy. My dm had my dd while i worked right up until she died earlier this year. She used to walk down to my house with no warning just for her exercise as she hqd lung cancer. I loved it and so did dh as we knew our time was limited. Please dont let him be mean anymore dm wont be here forever and you will regret it. I think if dm took ds to her house then that would work well and you could catch up with her after work relaxed even stay for dinner at her house. Good luck

[Coldkebab]

Dm goes as soon as they return home. I dont feel she is intruding on privicy. My dm had my dd while i worked right up until she died earlier this year. She used to walk down to my house with no warning just for her exercise as she hqd lung cancer. I loved it and so did dh as we knew our time was limited. Please dont let him be mean anymore dm wont be here forever and you will regret it. I think if dm took ds to her house then that would work well and you could catch up with her after work relaxed even stay for dinner at her house. Good luck

[Cherrytart6]

Start by telling him how much his rude behaviour is making you dislike him. And that you are disliking him more and more each day. And you are hitting a critical point where you're about to ask him to leave because you won't tolerate him anymore.

[caffeinestream]

I can honestly see both sides to this.

Your mum is doing a lot of childcare and helping you out in a huge way - you don't have to pay for childcare or worry about paying late fees etc. if you're running late at work. That's really good of her and your husband should be a lot more appreciative of how much she's helping you both out.

BUT I can totally see why he's struggling. I get on with my MIL but I would struggle dealing with her in my home before/after work three days a week, on top of her cooking meals for me and commenting on my parenting. She's in his home, raising his child - that can't be easy.

I think if you want her to carry on providing childcare, she should do it in her own home - one of you can then collect him after work. I'm not sure many people would want their IL's in their house three days a week while they're at work, even if they're helping out by providing childcare.

I also disagree with a lot of PP's who think that providing childcare means you can comment, criticise and decide how the child is raised. You and DH are the parents - you make the rules and decide how your son is raised. Your mum goes along with what you want, she doesn't get to make the rules.

[Onetedisbackinbed]

Your poor mum having to put up.with that crap! She obviously loves you and dgs and won't tell him where to stick it because it may jeopardise her relationship with you both. He needs to be told his behaviour is unacceptable and reminded she is doing you all a favour. Can you price up after school club cost to spell it out to him what she is saving you financially and demand he is suitably pleasant and appreciative towards her?

[InfiniteCurve]

Reading this has made me feel how precious some people seem to be about the whole parenting bit,specifically that no one else has a right to comment or criticise how a child is parented.
I don't think adults outside the family should be criticising,or constantly going on - but no comments? From grandparents?
Maybe this MIL is constantly commenting and involved,but OP has just described one occurrence.I don't see why a grandparent shouldn't comment occasionally,and if DH doesn't agree with her he can say so,politely.But of course he was busy shouting at his DS,wasn't he?
My grandmother lived with us - everyone managed to continue speaking and being polite to each other.

[Nanny0gg]

if they have a day out and she buys him a small present, my DH gets upset and says she should ask permission before buying a toy

And that's reasonable?