AIBU to say no to my teenager becoming vegan.

[Abloodybigholeintheground]

My 15 yr old daughter has messaged me about wanting to become vegan (she is currently away staying with friends for a month). She became vegetarian a few months ago and it has been extremely hard to get her to eat a decent diet as she has always been a very fussy eater with an extremely restrictive palate. When she ate meat she was just the same but we had a few meals that she loved and ate well. She has spent a lot of the past few months refusing veggie meals I have prepared as she doesn't like them, she doesn't like most veggie substitutes (sausages etc), is not a fan of any spicy food....she has been a nightmare to feed and god knows what she eats at school! Now I don't have an issue with the ethical side of things despite the fact that we live in a rural farming community and our work roles are part of the farming community. We also keep our own animal species for eggs and meat so that we can be producing high welfare local food. But I understand environmentally and ethically if she is not happy with eating animal products. However with her very picking eating, with our incredibly busy lifestyles and two other kids to feed, our limited access to shops that stock much in the range of veggie or vegan foodstuffs, the lack of vegan food at school (and packed lunches are not an option) and the fact that she doesn't ever cook and if she doesn't eat with the family she will just have a bagel or toast, AIBU to say to her that becoming a vegan at this stage is just not workable for her or for us?

A true vegan will not use anything that is [...] handled by anyone who is not also a true vegan.

Sorry but this is complete and utter twaddle! I have a lot of vegan friends (I'm vegetarian) and they are more than happy to eat the vegan food I cook for them!

When she starts dating, kissing involves the transfer of animal (human, hopefully) fluids, so she'll have to resign herself to being single her whole life!

In 30 years of listening to twaddle about vegetarian/ vegan lifestyles, that's right up there with the most ridiculous and tedious. Vegans object to what they see as the exploitation of non-human species. It's not about the transfer of animal fluids, but about that exploitation. Kissing isn't (generally, done properly) exploitative.

(Of couse, most people who claim to be vegan will make exceptions to their veganism when the alternative is inconvenient for them. Oh, the hypocrisy of the holier-than-thou!)

IME people who make dietary and lifestyle choices based on ethics will all reach some form of compromise, for whatever reason. You can call it hypocrisy if you will, but it's usually realism, or the ability to compromise, whilst trying to do their bit to reduce cruelty. For the OP this means eating meat but producing it as ethically as she can. For me it was eating fish because my mum refused to let me cook and my dad refused to eat any meal that didn't involve killing something. As a compromise I ate fish because it meant there were times when things were then easier for my mum, who did all the cooking.

As pp have said, make compromises and you're a hypocrite, refuse to compromise and you get accused of preaching. In over 30 years of being either vegetarian or fishitarian, I've never lectured anyone on their dietary preferences. In return, I've listened to an awful lot of bollocks about what I eat.

My 11yo DD has just become a vegetarian and doesn't like Quorn or other meat substitutes. I was one for 4 years in my teens and my mother made it really difficult for me, and I was determined not to put her through the same thing. I went vegetarian with her for the first two weeks, sat down with her to search for recipes she might like, and we shopped for ingredients and cooked them together. It was incredibly time consuming (and expensive to start with, but we have the basics now!) but I would do it again if she decided to go vegan (I suspect she will in a year or two). We have made some fantastic meals that have really lifted us out of the usual spaghetti bolognese, chicken curry, and stir fry rut, and used ingredients I've never used, like bulgur wheat and halloumi cheese.

Would it be worth trying something similar but vegan? If she is determined to go vegan, learning about it and supporting her by helping her to make nutritionally good choices, as well as learning what you could adapt, might be interesting and fun. It would also get her to take responsibility for at least some cooking, and ensure she's getting the nutrients she needs. Having a positive response might also encourage her to think beyond her comfort zone in terms of what she thinks she likes or doesn't like.

People who try to denigrate vegans are usually very unsettled.

Good for her for being compassionate and having strong morals I say! But I get your concerns on the dietary front.

If I were you I would buy some vegan recipe books and follow some vegan recipe accounts on Instagram (if you're not on Instagram, she will be I'm sure!). Sit down with her and go through them and work out the sort of things she would eat.

Vegan food is great in that it keeps for ages in the fridge. For example, I roast a huge batch of veg (aubergine, red pepper, asparagus, courgette, etc.) and it will keep for a week in the fridge. I also make a huge batch of pico de gallo (chopped tomato, jalepenos, coriander, red onion) which also keeps for a week. I then make up "Buddha bowls" - roast veg, pico de gallo, roast potatoes, salad, avocado, lentils or black beans (both from a can), hummous, sprinkled with seeds - the variations are endless! - and have them throughout the week, interspersed with other vegan meals like green thai curry or a pad thai (which can be done in 10 mins), or pasta with a tomato sauce, olives, roast aubergine and basil, for example.

I became vegan about 5 months ago and feel an awful lot better for it and am now much more adventurous with my cooking.

The two things to watch for are iron and B12. I put a sachet of Spatone (natural, iron-rich water from a spa in Wales) in a glass of orange juice in the mornings, which sorts the iron. For B12, I eat marmite (very rich source of it) on seeded toast every morning and have a glass of Berocca a day (full of all B vitamins).

Hope that helps!

I think the only way we could help with recipe ideas was if we had a list of foods this girl will eat.Listing delicious meals is great unless it has things this fussy eater will not touch.I have a feeling she will be one a restrictive and repetitive diet and either for genuine reasons or from the stubbornness of being a teenager will not back down,live on bagels and become ill.

True and it's repeatedly being shown that not eating dairy, eggs and meat is healthier than eating it

No it hasn't.

A true vegan will not use anything that is [...] handled by anyone who is not also a true vegan

I think they mixed up vegan with kosher or something there!

When DD decided to become veggie I posted for advice on food and drink. I wanted to support her decision but the rest of the family did not want to join her. I got lots of lovely helpful advice and none of the hostility of the vegan posters on here. I am a bit .

Sibling teasing is also a tough one. DS loves to tease DD but equally he recognises that she has never once been preachy or tried to convert him. That attitude has earned her some respect.

She will be more likely to get an eating disorder if you force her to eat things her ethics believe she shouldn't be. She should be supported to eat a healthy vegan diet

When she starts dating, kissing involves the transfer of animal (human, hopefully) fluids, so she'll have to resign herself to being single her whole life!
Omg, what a load of crap
I couldn't eat quorn, really bad for ibs

Well this thread got a bit weird didn't it!! Also find the assumption that if a girl is a fussy eater then she is pegged down for an eating disorder.....but anyway.
Daughter is home. I said no. Bought some frozen veggie stuff to stock up on, quite a lot of it is vegan, but she chose to eat the stuff with cheese in it. We haven't had a long talk about it but I think she has accepted my reasons for saying no because of her poor diet. She has admitted she loves meat and other animal products but doesn't like to think about killing things. I think we will be able to find a happy medium and TBF I'm not sure she would be able to stick to it anyway! She is very academic and discussing that an incorrect diet could effect her brain function is a real game changing for her as she hopes to ace her GCSEs next year.....
Need to do a school stuff shopping trip so I'm sure it will be discussed further. As predicted brothers are ribbing her mercilessly

Maybe you should try to teach your sons not to tease people who have different beliefs to them. How odd.

And you are punishing the boys appropriately? Right? Poor girl.

if she really wants to be vegan she should have the opportunity to try cooking for herself properly.

And you are punishing the boys appropriately? Right? Poor girl

I would hope not.

It is a tricky diet to have without feeling like shit.
You need to artificially supplement her otherwise she will be short of iron, vit d, calcium and vit d.
There are plenty of healthy vegans but it requires a lot of intelligence and effort you may not want.

I'm a vegan (now) and I've had eating disorders (past).

I don't agree with saying 'no' to stopping eating meat, but your daughter is clearly not even managing being vegetarian.

I'd argue that going vegan needs to be a gradual process, especially as she doesn't like so many vegetarian foods.

My own fussy daughter announced she wanted to be vegetarian, so we're currently doing one animal at a time, which is giving her a chance to get used to vegetarian food while still getting a decent diet. That seems to be working well, and she's expanding the range of vegetarian food she will eat gradually.

I'd suggest your daughter goes back to eating some meat at the moment, and try again gradually, or she's just going to end up ill.

Im not vegan. Im vegetarian and if someone forced me to eat meat I would resent that person for ever. I would try to accommodate it but yes to her taking on some responsibility. I would actually probably use it as a bonding exercise with my teen if it were me. I would say lets research recipe sites and enjoy finding new things together. But at the end of it she should have a week's worth list of food that she would be happy to eat. Or explore if she is happy to eat eggs from someone with back yard chickens which may be more acceptable than the intensive egg industry which I agree is grim. I think with teenagers the best course of action can often be dialogue and pick your battles. Obviously there are safety and important issues where parents get a veto but I disagree that this is one of them. If she goes vegan I recommend the veg supplement from the vegan society. Dont take any risks with B12.

It's her choice, not yours. However, she's old enough to start taking responsibility for her choices. Finding vegan dishes to make is no longer the issue it once was but I'd make it clear that her diet wasn't your sole responsibility. i'd prepare and cook some dishes for three days and provide the raw ingredients for the remaining four and let her get on with it.

It's her choice, not yours

No. It's her choice when she shops, pays for and cooks all her own food. Until then it is at least partly her mothers choice.

OP, what I would probably do at this point is accept the possibility that your dd is now ready to change from the lazy fussy teenager she has been into a responsible person acting from genuine conviction.

Sit her down and explain that you want to support her in this but that you have to feel sure that her nutritional needs are being met, that this is perfectly possible but that it will involve some work. Tell that since you are unable to take on more work, she will have to come up with a nutritional plan, source some recipes and do some cooking, but as long as she does this, you are very happy to support her. Then see what happens. If she is serious, she will do the work; if she isn't, she won't. Give her the benefit of doubt. You never know, she may surprise you.

Noone is suggesting the OP should force feed her teen. But she is not obliged to spend money on buying extra food unless she can be sure that her hitherto fussy dd is going to eat it either. Putting the dd in charge of the planning is a way to ensure that.

Missed the OP's last post- and can't say I like it very much. Why do you allow bullying in your home? Why are you not prepared to discuss your dd's concerns in an adult way?

Siblings teasing each other is not bullying, ffs. It is what siblings have done since the dawn of time, and will continue to do until we all die out.

the way the OP describes it seems a bit more relentless than just teasing