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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say no to my teenager becoming vegan.

152 replies

Abloodybigholeintheground · 23/08/2017 14:14

My 15 yr old daughter has messaged me about wanting to become vegan (she is currently away staying with friends for a month). She became vegetarian a few months ago and it has been extremely hard to get her to eat a decent diet as she has always been a very fussy eater with an extremely restrictive palate. When she ate meat she was just the same but we had a few meals that she loved and ate well. She has spent a lot of the past few months refusing veggie meals I have prepared as she doesn't like them, she doesn't like most veggie substitutes (sausages etc), is not a fan of any spicy food....she has been a nightmare to feed and god knows what she eats at school! Now I don't have an issue with the ethical side of things despite the fact that we live in a rural farming community and our work roles are part of the farming community. We also keep our own animal species for eggs and meat so that we can be producing high welfare local food. But I understand environmentally and ethically if she is not happy with eating animal products. However with her very picking eating, with our incredibly busy lifestyles and two other kids to feed, our limited access to shops that stock much in the range of veggie or vegan foodstuffs, the lack of vegan food at school (and packed lunches are not an option) and the fact that she doesn't ever cook and if she doesn't eat with the family she will just have a bagel or toast, AIBU to say to her that becoming a vegan at this stage is just not workable for her or for us?

OP posts:
LorLorr2 · 23/08/2017 14:39

She will need to start cooking herself if I'm honest. It sounds like it'd be quite a task for you. There are so many Youtube videos with vegan recipes and things, there are tools to learn from!

toomanycatsonthebed · 23/08/2017 14:40

Hello,

I am a vegan mum to one carnivore and one veggie teenager (twins). I transitioned from vegetarian to vegan after 35 years about 7 years ago. It is not too hard to do, though it requires imagination and care to ensure you are eating well. I would applaud her ethical stance but she may need lots of support to eat a full range of macro and micronutrients. I would suggest that before you and she embark on this, she writes out a meal plan for a week (with the shopping list for that week listed as well). It will give her more responsibility and a chance to really reflect on what a vegan diet will look like. And then maybe you two could go over it together to check she has complete proteins in there, enough iron sources, veggies etc. There are lots of online resources for her to find great recipes. I am not suggesting you cook a complete separate menu for her, but it will give you both a chance to talk about what will work and maybe for her to be realistic about what a vegan diet will entail. Does she eat nuts, seeds pulses, legumes, dark leaf veggies, tofu, vegan Quorn, grains (not just rice), fruit and a range of veg? If not most of these, then she will be in danger of deficiencies. And she will need to find a source of B12 in some form. In my experience with teens, it is better to interestedly go with the flow than push back too hard when they have a Big Plan for something. That way we can stay involved and have some input lol! Good Luck!

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 23/08/2017 14:40

YABU.

You can't reasonably stop her from being vegan, but it wouldn't be unreasonable for her to make her own meals (with some initial help from you)

Branleuse · 23/08/2017 14:41

only if she cooks for herself

fruitpastille · 23/08/2017 14:44

I feel your pain. I have a similarly fussy vegetarian but at least he will eat quorn and dairy!

It's draining having to think about it to be honest - mine would live on pasta/houmous/chips/beans. If I tried to give him meat he would just leave it and eat the rest of the meal.

Have you tried different brands of vege sausages etc? The freezer section is a good place to look.

Original poster
Abloodybigholeintheground · 23/08/2017 14:44

MaryLennox she doesn't like chips!!
She used to eat certain pasta dishes-with tuna or bacon and cheesy sauces, bangers, beans and mash, Spaghetti Bol, cottage pie, Sunday Roast, pizza, basic salad stuff ....all very "safe" foods. Didn't like stews, casseroles, stir fry, curries etc, dressings, flavours, mayo etc were all no. Eating out anywhere as a meat eater was a nightmare a small she never liked anything! When she decided to be veggie I switched to Quorn in place of mince (tolerable but didn't like the texture), tried other substitutes, different recipes etc but her diet became really poor and she didn't cook herself meals, but has always eaten and enjoyed dairy products. So this switch to abandoned them as well will leave her with very little that she likes. Yes I agree, she needs to start cooking and she also needs to be a bit more mature about her tastes but unless she returns home (tomorrow) as a completely different girl to a month ago, I can't see it happening. (Our friends she has stayed with are meat eaters and have worked really hard to accommodate her fussy veggie palate but have also struggled!).

OP posts:
IDoDaChaCha · 23/08/2017 14:49

I wouldn't put all the work in myself to accommodate one new vegan in a family household. If she wants to be vegan she's old enough to research and cook for herself. If she refuses, she gets what is cooked in general. Tough.

sharklovers · 23/08/2017 14:49

Tell her that she'll be cooking for herself from no on. This attention seeking nonsense will be knocked on the head in no time.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 23/08/2017 14:50

What toomanycats said. I'd love to be vegan and believe it the ethically responsible choice, but it's bloody hard and requires more planning and time that I have. She does need to take some responsibility for making sure her diet is adequate and healthy.

Viviennemary · 23/08/2017 14:53

She can become vegan if she likes. But must do her own food shopping and cook her own meals. Oh and get a part-time job if the food is more expensive than you normally provide at home. I've seen kids pandered to far too often in the past and folk tying themselves in knots over different diets. Blow that for a lark.

Hastalapasta · 23/08/2017 14:54

I am veggie, since 10 yo. My DM made me cook for myself if I did not want the food she had made.

Thug kitchen, ella woodward are great for recipes.

MoreThanJustANumber · 23/08/2017 14:54

Tell her she can let you know what she needs in the way of ingredients with a couple of days notice and she can make her own meals. Simple!

happypoobum · 23/08/2017 14:55

YABU as it's really way too controlling to be telling a 15 year old what to eat.

However, my DS became vegan at 16 (was vegetarian before that) and now he just cooks his own food. He had to do all the research himself about what he could and couldn't eat, and gave me a list of things I could buy easily at supermarket. Anything that was too ridiculously pricey (goji berries!) I just said they didn't have it in.

If anything it has reduced my workload as I don't have to think about cooking vegetarian food for him any more, he does all his own, unless I am eating something that suits anyway, for example a vegetarian curry with rice or vegetable stir fry, or risotto.

Hobnobs are vegan by the way. Does DD like them?

Ilikehappy · 23/08/2017 15:05

It sounds a bit attention seeking, but turn it round so it does become a positive way of giving her some attention. Tell her you will need her help planning and cooking and it can be something you do together. Maybe you will try out some of her vegan meals or a few vegan products and enjoy some of them.

Another thing is to suggest that she sticks to having dairy until you find some nice alternatives then switch rather than going "cold turkey" and maybe if she goes places with no nice vegan choice. That's a good start and she can work up to becoming a complete Vegan when she has worked out a few nice choices to replace her favourites.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 23/08/2017 15:13

Why is it attention seeking? Some of us really do have ethical concerns and for what it is worth the less attention I could draw to mine the better - i.e. I really, really wish I could just go anywhere and expect to find vegetarian/vegan food without there being a fuss!

Ttbb · 23/08/2017 15:17

Tell her to either eat what you cook her or to cook for herself.

Ilikehappy · 23/08/2017 15:17

It sounds attention seeking because she makes such a fuss about food all the time, not because she wants to go Vegan. I wouldn't think that way if she wasn't being fussy and refusing food and so on.

Pengggwn · 23/08/2017 15:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WombOfOnesOwn · 23/08/2017 15:21

You need to make sure this isn't an eating disorder. Look up "orthorexia" and see if this makes her behavior make more sense. I think you'll find it becomes much clearer. Many teens with very restricted palates and very little they will choose to eat are dealing with orthorexia. Veganism is a VERY common step in orthorexia. It is a serious, terrible medical condition that can cripple or kill you. Learn about it before any damage is done.

Original poster
Abloodybigholeintheground · 23/08/2017 15:21

It's not attention seeking-it's a choice (fuelled by access to all and sundry on the internet). But it's completely impractical for a teen who has what I think is a rather immature approach to food and who has never shown any interest in cooking anything but a bowl of plain pasta.... Now if it was my youngest child I would have fewer concerns, but since he has just taken a joint of beef out of the oven that he prepared with wild herbs he gathers himself I don't think there is much chance of that! Odd that the youngest loves cooking so much and will experiment with all sorts but the other two just want an instant fix!! And now an instant, complicated vegan fix.... Hmm

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 23/08/2017 15:23

local (as in miles from us!!) shops and businesses are struggling as it is so I like to support them. Then they may well stock things for her if she asks.

I turned veggie as a teen and had to cook my own meals. It was great. Lots of books from the library and I learned to cook really well. It's easy now with the internet and blogs and so on.

However, the issue is that it sounds like she doesn't actually like a wide enough range of food to keep her healthy. So have her meal plan a week or two of all meals. They have to be healthy, balanced, include lunch options and source-able foods. I hope she likes legumes!

Ribrabrob · 23/08/2017 15:24

If she wants to be a vegan, let her. This probably sound preachy and I don't mean it to be (I'm not even vegan), but if she messaged you and said mum I want to eat pigs anuses and the breast milk of a cow, what would you say?

Maybe have a think about what's weirder - eating those things above, or not eating those things...

YetAnotherSpartacus · 23/08/2017 15:25

Odd that the youngest loves cooking so much and will experiment with all sorts but the other two just want an instant fix!! And now an instant, complicated vegan fix

Is it too evil to pose for your youngest the problem of vegan meals his sister might like and let him problem solve?

Original poster
Abloodybigholeintheground · 23/08/2017 15:27

Will read up about orthorexia but TBF I had quite strong likes and dislikes as a kid and just wasn't really bother much by food. Didn't have an eating disorder, just ate to satisfy hunger. Also had a similar build to her-slim and petit (all changed now!) It wasn't until I was an adult that I discovered real cooking and the fantastic things chefs can produce! So I really don't think it is a problem. I did also have a few years of Vegetarianism but never veganism. For her choices and our lifestyle it is just a challenge to far I think....

OP posts:
titchy · 23/08/2017 15:28

Well just tell her if she wants to go vegan she needs to give you a shopping list of ethically sourced local produce, produce a menu plan that includes the required nutrients, protein etc, and cook for herself.

Otherwise you won't incorporate it into your cooking. Simple surely?

This could be an opportunity for her to learn how to cook! If she won't do that you won't entertain her veganism.