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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.. To be furious at DH's ex Wife?

517 replies

SSDGM · 23/08/2017 13:03

DH split up with the mother of his kids years before he met me. In fact he had another 10 year long relationship in between us. Now their youngest DD is 19 and in employment the time has come to sell the house (or her to buy him out) as agreed. However she's changed her mind and is pleading poverty. She's ignored solicitors letters and mediation requests or left any correspondence to the last minute and has said she's about to be out of a job due to illness. DH has had enough and has instructed solicitors that Mediation will not work and to go straight to court. She now wants him to just sign it all over to her and walk away.
I'm fuming because I have 2 now adult DS's from my first marriage and after their father and I split I made a point to ramp up my career to look after us all where she has just ignored the passing of time and can't now cope without the maintenance and tax credits she got before her DS/ my DSD was of age. I have a little nest egg put away for a house deposit and earn a decent salary. She has now said she will come after MY money and she will be given the house they shared by the courts because she's poorer than I am.
DH is self employed and earns less than I do.

AIBU to want to get involved? How dare she sit on her arse working part time for years after the kids were old enough to take care of themselves and then piss and moan it's unfair that we have a nice life and should give her everything. I've always been nice to her to keep the peace, but I'm losing patience. Why can't she just bugger off?

OP posts:
InvisibleCities · 23/08/2017 16:09

So go to court asap, which is sounds like you are doing, and ask for 50% of the house. It's down to her or the court officials to decide otherwise. (And he could put the extra money for his kids if he wanted to.) He's been more than fair, and she's taking the piss.

LisaMed1 · 23/08/2017 16:10

There is such a thing as an order to force sale, and the legal board can give you some idea about what it entails but my understanding is that it is (a) expensive and would possibly cost more that the house's original cost and (b) is slow and may not be finished up by the time the endowment pays out.

If she gets your DH's name off the mortgage then she is the only one liable for any shortfall. Otherwise the bank can go after him. Her father may have given her a heads up. Or I may be barking up the wrong tree (hope I am)

I suppose you could wait until the endowment is up, pay off any shortfall (there may not be any or much as it is a comparitively small mortgage) and then it doesn't matter if his name is on the deeds or not, there will not be another mortgage for a broker to worry about.

Happytobefree17 · 23/08/2017 16:10

You haven't said what your DH's view is. Is he passionate very letting you deal with it all or is he actually addressing these issues HE caused?

SerfTerf · 23/08/2017 16:10

Look, wipe all of this from your mind for half an hour and try to put a figure on what peace of mind and a fresh start is worth to you.

If the legals come in at less than that, get on and get your legal resolution and then put it all behind you.

Happytobefree17 · 23/08/2017 16:11

Passively, not passionate very Hmm

Original poster
SSDGM · 23/08/2017 16:11

He knows he's not innocent in this. Believe me. I can't bollock him about stuff he did before me though. That would just be unreasonable. I want to be thought of as the reasonable one of his wives 😉

OP posts:
LisaMed1 · 23/08/2017 16:11

If someone doesn't cooperate with the court process then an order for financial separation/order to force sale/order to remove the DH from mortgage can take years

HadronCollider · 23/08/2017 16:13

I was a single mum who had to find childcare. I had to put a roof over mine and my boys heads and looked forward to them reaching (mostly) independence. The last step in moving forward with my life after marrying this glorious bellend of a best friend who makes me happier than anyone else on the planet is being held up by someone who chose not to plan for her future. I will take that just a bit personally.

It's hardly 'strumming my pain with her fingers' stuff though is it? You're taking the actions of a woman who was around a long time before you and is just trying to look out for her own and DCs interests far too personally. You've not had one good thing to say about the woman and have criticised her working hours as if she owes you something. YABveryU.

Happytobefree17 · 23/08/2017 16:13

I can't bollock him about stuff he did before me though. That would just be unreasonable. I want to be thought of as the reasonable one of his wives 😉

Bingo Grin

TheNaze73 · 23/08/2017 16:14

I don't think you have anything to worry about. She's talking out of her ring

SerfTerf · 23/08/2017 16:14

Bitching about HER for stuff that happened (or didn't) before you met him doesn't exactly sound uber-reasonable and elegant either, you know Wink

I'm wondering if there's some (credit file) impediment to her just clearing all of this up that she doesn't want to disclose.

LakieLady · 23/08/2017 16:16

So.. been reading through and having a think about all that's been said and I've come to the conclusion she's actually, from what I've read, played this very well. She refused the divorce so he had to go for one without her signature, refused to make any sort of legal financial agreement for either the house or the kids, has ignored any and every request to finally get it sorted out and she in all likelihood will walk away stinking of roses and with a nice story about how her Ex is a bastard. All because she did nothing. Christ, I'm thinking now maybe I should pay her off after all so I can have my home with my husband.

I have quite a bit of sympathy with this point of view but he cocked up massively by getting the divorce without settling the finances. If he hadn't bothered with the divorce, the house would still be an asset of the marriage and he would be in a much stronger position financially.

I can also see it from her point of view: he pissed off and left her to pay the mortgage and the endowment premiums all these years, while she struggled to bring up children and hold down a job while suffering from ill-health, now he wants his share of the house he hasn't paid a penny towards while it was shooting up in value.

The first thing I was told when I saw a solicitor about my divorce was "Whatever you do, do NOT get divorced without settling all the finances". And my house wasn't even in joint names.

It's an unholy mess, and the sort that makes lawyers a comfortable living.

ADishBestEatenCold · 23/08/2017 16:17

"But if he's legally entitled to any of the original deposit he paid when the house was bought (before they married) then he should go for it, right?"

No. Wrong. Not if pursuing a 50% share of 4k is going to cost him 20k in legal fees.

If you are not careful you could end up loosing your nest egg down that sort of route.

Get him to offer to give her his share of the house (to give up all right to asset /debt associated with it) before it occurs to her that actually, she could possibly get an even better deal than that.

Original poster
SSDGM · 23/08/2017 16:20

He has been active in seeing a solicitor (the original one decided a couple of months into this that they didn't do family law any more and let the case go, so he had to find another) ExW spent 3 months pithering over going to see a solicitor saying she was "too stressed" to think about it. He attended his mediation appointment and kept up to date to see if the mediation had heard from his ExW and communicated with them afterwards to find out the outcome, but of course they couldn't really tell him what happened. His solicitor contacted him to say the Ex had said her solicitor was "on holiday" and then she was "too ill" to attend any other mediation until September (this was in July). He contacted his solicitor to say he thinks it would be best to take this to court and he's just had a letter to say his Ex is about to "take a significant reduction in her income due to illness". Fucking mess.

OP posts:
nocampinghere · 23/08/2017 16:21

LisaMed1 Wed 23-Aug-17 15:30:08
nocampinghere £4k is a lot of money to me.

well of course £4k is not to be sniffed at but that is nothing compared to what solicitors are going to cost to get this sorted!

LisaMed1 · 23/08/2017 16:24

nocampinghere £4k is a drop compared to the solicitor's bill to get anywhere. You are absolutely 100% completely right on that!

OP - Sending good vibes.

Motherbear26 · 23/08/2017 16:25

I know it's already been said but this is just as much your dh's fault as it is the ex wife's. And tbh I would not have been at all keen to combine finances with someone like this. The ex may have buried her head in the sand but so has he, and you knowingly chose to marry into this mess so it isn't really fair to blame everything on the ex.

There's not much you can do about that now though. For the sake of 2 years you could just wait it out, accept liability for any shortfall and then be done with it as I doubt she has the resources to take you to court for more. However if you are seeking closure now (which is what you say you want) you might be better forcing matters and taking it to court yourselves. I doubt you'll get a great deal considering legal fees and the fact that she has paid the mortgage for the last 15 years, but by the same token I don't think she'll have any joy accessing your savings and it will be over and done with sooner.

I did have a small concern about your dh's reluctance to deal with this sooner, even during a 10 year relationship. It seems very convenient that he has been 'unable' to financially commit to anything for such a long period but hasn't taken steps to rectify this. And surely with only 2 years left before the mortgage is paid, on a house that has doubled in value, he should be able to get another mortgage with you now?

LakieLady · 23/08/2017 16:39

I get your reasoning, RealBiscuit, but the I think the figures involved are a lot smaller and the risk of OP's DH having to pay to clear the mortgage are slim to non-existent.

The house was bought for £35k with a £4k deposit, so the mortgage would be £31k. There's also been a secured loan of £10,000. The house is, as believed to be, worth £90k, the equity must be at least £49k before any expenses - 90k - (31k + 10k). The endowment must have some value, so the equity may well be more.

It's a total bugger because I don't see how OP's DH can get his hands on any of the equity without going to court, which is likely to be so costly he could end up with next to nothing. The ex is holding all the cards and can afford to play the long game, especially if she knows that OP and her DH really want his name off that first mortgage so they can buy somewhere else.

If I was in OP's shoes, I'd be saying let her have the bloody house.

Elendon · 23/08/2017 16:40

The only person who has 'played this well' is your husband!

SerfTerf · 23/08/2017 16:41

Well he's now got another bustling woman taking control of things Elendon 😄

HiggeldyPiggeldy · 23/08/2017 16:42

The reason the original advice we got said he was entitled to 50% was that the property was bought for them both to live in and she has had "enjoyment" of it while he had to pay rent elsewhere.

it may have been a house for them to live in at first but then it became a family home for them and the children, he then left and paid nothing for 15 years? (17 by the time the endowment runs out), his ex' "enjoyment" is raising their children and maintaining the mortgage, endowment and the house, him renting elsewhere from what you say previously was with previous partner then you, so his costs will have been reduced, I don't think he will have a right to 50% and her lower income and earning capacity will be taken into consideration against your combined income

Happytobefree17 · 23/08/2017 16:43

To be honest I think the EXW is just doing what she needs to do to protect herself. And if what she is doing is within the bounds of the law then she's not wrong to do what she is doing from a legal point of view.

Happytobefree17 · 23/08/2017 16:44

The only person who has 'played this well' is your husband!

YY to this!

Kittychatcat · 23/08/2017 16:49

Op, if I were you I would get my own legal advice (different solicitor to your DH) on how to protect myself from this mess. Don't buy a house until you know that DH has a separated ALL finances from his ex.

LakieLady · 23/08/2017 16:56

I agree with that, Higgledy. I reckon he'd be lucky to get 30%. If it was a 25 year mortgage, she will have borne the full cost of that for over 2/3 of the term by the time it's paid off.

And if she could satisfy the court that her earning capacity was significantly less than his, his share could be a lot less.